Denial (54 page)

“Is this really what you want right now?” she squeaks. My hands loosen automatically. It’s so nice that she actually cares if I’m into it, but that means she knows sometimes I’m not. That can really fuck with someone’s self-esteem and I won’t do that to Maya.

No. That is not what I want right now. It should be, it always should be, but it’s not
. No one wants to hear that. I can’t answer her. Twisting in my slacked grip, she interlocks her fingers with mine, guiding my hand out of her hair until it’s secure in hers. Fuck, I always tumble when she does this.

“It’s not what I want right now,” she lies. I think.

“Yes it is,” I shoot back defensively.
It always is.

“No, it’s not.” She’s trying not to be pissed.

“I know your body. If I hadn’t fucked up back there, you’d be dripping.”

“Isaac,” she breathes, almost dismissively, shaking her head. “No, I wouldn’t.”

“You always do.”

“Okay, yeah, eventually, I would. But it doesn’t have to be that way.”

“You like it better when I top you.” That came out whiny. Fantastic.

“No, I don’t.”

Alright, I’m doing a shit job right now, but why is she arguing? Not against herself, what she really wants. She believes it. But I’ve seen her squirm, watched her writhe, screech, buck, squirt, go limp. There’s only one way to get her there, and it isn’t through sweet nothings and gentle kisses. I’m right on this one, I wish I wasn’t, but I am.

“I am officially requesting normal sex,” she declares. She always pulls this nerdy shit on me. I love it. It makes me chuckle, lifts the mood.

“You don’t have to do that for me,” I say, and she rolls her eyes. “I know you like it better the other way.”

“No, I don’t. I promise.”
Don’t lie to me, not tonight
. “Okay, maybe my body and some fucked up part of my psyche does. But I really like it the other way too.”

“I know you do but—”

“No, Isaac,” she says firmly, but she’s rattled, her lips trembling. It rattles me. I’m out of my element. That was a very real no. “I wouldn’t be able to… enjoy it when you take over if that’s all it ever was.”

Everything is still for a second, and I can finally breathe. That was the perfect thing to say. Too clever. I repeat the phrase over and over again in my head, trying to figure out how it can’t mean what I want it to mean. “That doesn’t make sense. We started this first.”

“No, we didn’t.” She curls up smaller in my lap, her voice so timid and quiet. She’s technically right about that, I suppose, because she freaked out when I tied her up in the beginning. My heart sputters out for a few seconds until it hurts as I think back on that first time I kissed her, when we broke the rule that started everything.

“Why? Why is it like that?”
It is not just you
.

“I don’t know. I just need it.”

“Me too.” I’d regret my honesty if I wasn’t looking down at her smiling against my shoulder right now. She grips my hands tighter, leaning into me, hiding her face in my chest. She is. So. Fucking. Cute. I must say that to myself at least a hundred times a day.

4
2

I love it here, folded up against his broad chest, his thick fingers interlocked with mine, spreading them farther apart than they naturally go. If only there was some way to stay here forever. Isaac lifts my chin and I feel the smile drop from my face when I see the absence of one on his. Oh. We’re still on this.

Apparently this is a bigger issue than I thought it was. Ever since that fight, he has been extra cuddly when we have sex. Still rough, but so snuggly at the same time. It’s perfect, the best of both worlds and I am in heaven, cloud nine, happier than I’ve ever been, completely, entirely satisfied on every level. He can’t see it though, and I don’t know how to show him. It’s hard to bring up Since we’ve reinstated the no-talking-to-keep-the-bubble-intact-for-as-long-as-we-can protocol.

“Do you believe me?”

He takes a moment before answering. “I want to.”

“Isaac, it is okay for you to want normal sex. It makes sense, you know, for you to want something different than what you’ve been doing.” Do not use the word novelty. He’s still beating himself up for that one.

“Yeah, I’ve thought about that. That’s not it.”

My anxiety spikes. I’m worried about him, I have this gut instinct that playing this harmless little game isn’t very good for him. The end is getting closer, we don’t talk about it, but there is a clock in my head, each second ticking by is so loud it hurts my ears. He hears it too. If he isn’t losing himself in my body, the wheels in his head are spinning, I can see it on his face. Every morning, he wakes up more stressed out than he was when he went to bed. He’s plotting, planning, and I want to let him know that he is not alone in this.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’m relieved that you want it.”

“Relieved?”

“Yeah,” I peep. “I keep waiting for this big reveal where you tell me you want to take it to the next level, like, BDSM-wise.” He scoffs. “What?”

“Me too,” he says tentatively.

“I very much enjoy the informal rough sex where I don’t have to worry about getting punished if I look at you or touch you when I’m not supposed to.” I tense up, an image of Luke’s face when he’s angry infiltrating my thoughts. I can’t let myself think about him for even a second. How the hell did I ever let him do that shit to me?

“
Rookie?” he whispers, pulling his hands free of mine so his arms can surround me. “Maya, it’s okay. I never enjoyed that part, there is no chance that I’m going to spring it on you down the line.”

“You promise?” I almost laugh because I sound so much like him.

“Yes. Hey, calm down. Just breathe.”

His hand travels to my neck and I start to relax. Of all the ways he can touch me, that one is by far my favorite. The world melts away until there is nothing left except him, the rhythm of his breathing, the sound of his heart beating behind his perfect chest muscles against my cheek, his delicious scent filling my nostrils.

“As far as I’m concerned, we can keep it on the shelf for later,” I confess. “When we need to spice things up.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you know we’re not going to be this hot for each other forever, right?”

“We’re not?”

My heart sinks. “No. This part isn’t permanent.” Why the hell would he know that? He’s never dated anyone else. Crap. “It’s called the infatuation period.”

“I am not merely infatuated with you, Maya.”

“It doesn’t matter. It still happens.”

“Is this, like, a scientific fact?”

“Yes,” I laugh. “It typically lasts from six months to two years.”
I really hope you’re still interested when it wears off.

“So, wait a second, you mean I’m going to be liberated one day?” He sounds relieved.

“Liberated?”

“From this constant, never ending obsession with keeping my dick on, in, or near any part of you that I can get.”

I blush. “Well, if you look at it that way, yes, Isaac, your penis won’t hold you hostage forever.”

“Wow. So eventually we’ll be able to cook dinner without me bending you over the counter every damn time? Or watch an entire movie and still be paying attention at the end?”

“Yes.”

“That is fucking awesome.”

Could you be any cuter right now?
“I’m very glad you see it that way, because it often spells the end for a lot of relationships.”

“Well not ours. Why didn’t you mention this sooner? I’ve been feeling like such a fucking pervert lately. I can’t get enough.”

Right? Me too!
“That is normal. And normal sex won’t be this exciting forever, so drink your fill. We can play later.”

“Really?”

“Yes. If you just want super cuddly lovemaking interspersed with occasional bouts of  holding my hands down or pulling me down by my hair as a way of telling me that you want a blow job, that is more than fine with me.”

That big grin I was just staring at disappeared. “Lovemaking?”

“That’s what it’s called. That’s why it feels so intimate.”

“So, um, you don’t have to… actually
be
in love first, to use that label?”

My stomach flips over.
“I’m not really sure. The word gets thrown around quite a bit. I don’t think so.”

“Okay,” he says quickly.

For the first time in a while, his face is a mask, his smile forced, his eyes unable to meet mine. He doesn’t let me look at it for long because he’s off like a runner that just heard the gun shot, attacking me, teasing my nipples, claiming my throat with his quivering lips. My traitorous body wants to let him keep going but my heart is pounding.

I just hurt his feelings and he is doing his best to hide it. There is only one reason why. I’m tired of fighting it. I don’t care if it’s too damn soon. I don’t need to know every single one of his many secrets to be sure of what I’m feeling. He didn’t use the words, but he just told me. He tells me every time he touches me, every time he looks at me. I owe it to him to go first, I suppose, seeing that I came here convinced I was in love with someone else and did my best to convince him too.

“Hey,” I murmur. “Isaac. Slow down.” He groans painfully and speeds up. “Hey, come here. Look at me. Please. I need to tell you something.”

“Maya,” he moans, reluctantly giving in to my request, his timid eyes meeting mine.

“I do,” I peep. He looks at me skeptically. “Have to be in love first.” We both inhale a ragged, nervous breath. “I love you, Isaac. And yes, I’m sure. I promise.”

I am so glad I got him to look at me first so that I’ll always have this crystal clear memory of the way his face morphs. Happy eyes, glassy with happy tears that mirror my own and the biggest smile I’ve ever seen him wear.

“Me too.” Of course. I’ll never be one of those girlfriends that hears that over the phone and feels slighted. “I fell in love with you the moment I saw you, Maya. I love you.
So
much
. It’s the only thing I have ever known for sure. It’s the only thing I have ever wanted. And it’s even more incredible than I thought it would be.”

I thought he made me melt before. I tell him again to see the reaction on his face, feel it ripple through his body pressed next to mine. He says it to me over and over, in between his kisses and my giggles as he lays us down on the bed. His lips and hands are everywhere at once and my own can’t stop either.

It’s so hot in here, but my skin is covered in goose bumps and I’m shivering. So is he. His tongue is in my mouth, claiming mine. I love the way he tastes. The way his flesh ripples beneath my fingertips. His hands travel the length of my body as our eyes lock together. He looks as happy as I feel.

“You’re really mine now,” he whispers. “All mine.” I groan affirmatively into his kiss. “I’m going to keep you forever, you know that right? Forever.”

I squeal as he rolls on top of me, his weight crushing me into the soft mattress. Butterflies rise out of the shattered jar in my stomach as heat radiates between my legs.
Forever.
I want that. I’ve never let myself want it this much before. Every kiss that dots my skin is a promise that I can feel he will keep.

His kisses grow more intense, spine lengthening, shoulders squaring.
Mmm, yes, please
. My body listens to his, he doesn’t have to tell me. I want what he wants. We synch up perfectly. There is no label to put on this and it sure as hell isn’t a game.

Every declaration of his love echoes in my ears, coaxing a tear to fall. He doesn’t chase them away this time and I feel a few of his own hit my cheek as he presses his forehead against mine. My legs open, so eager to receive him that I squirt in anticipation. He groans, that tilted cocky smile crossing his satisfied face.

“Yeah, it’s for you, silly,” I mutter. “Not the kinky shit you do to my body.
You.
”

Well, that just popped out. If I wasn’t this horny and off guard I never could have been that honest. And I never would have heard this sound he’s making as he drives himself inside of me, half a feral growl, half a vulnerable sob. A sound that sums up his essence. My ferocious beast. My lost little boy. My Isaac.
Mine.
As much as I am his. I can feel it.

I shatter at the first thrust, screaming his name against the mark I left on his shoulder, bucking up into him, begging him to come with me.
Don’t fucking perform, just be with me.
He does, his arms crushing me into his chest, letting his full weight pin me, trapping this energy dancing in our writhing bodies.

I finished, he finished, but this is far from over. He is still hard as a rock inside of me and I am still squirming and pouring out for him. This kiss is everything, it’s everywhere, timeless, yet so fleeting. We can’t stop, our lips only pulling apart to laugh. I know he’s thinking about the first time this insanity overtook us like I am.