Defy (13 page)

“I need to speak with you,” Prince Damian said. “And unfor-

tunately, the only time I dared broach this subject with you was

the middle of the night, when I knew there would be no listening

ears. However, since it would appear that you are not having a very

good night, perhaps I should wait for another time.”

“Of course not, Your Highness. I am at your service, always.”

“You’re sick, Alex.”

“No, my lord. I was indisposed by . . . emotional upset. I’m

95

fine now.” I prayed he couldn’t see the way my hands trembled in

the indistinct light of the moon.

“Indisposed by emotional upset?” Prince Damian echoed,

one eyebrow lifting. “Are you so ill at ease with me that you feel

you have to hide being upset over your brother’s death?”

I didn’t respond, staring at his chin rather than meeting

his eyes.

He gestured to the cot. “Alex, come, sit down. You don’t need

to stand at attention right now.”

I haltingly stepped forward but couldn’t bring myself to sit

down on the bed while my prince stood before me.

“Please sit down. We don’t need to always stand on such cer-

emony, especially when you aren’t feeling your best and it’s the

middle of the night.”

We stood there in silence as I battled with myself. I couldn’t

stop thinking about his nightmare, how I’d stared at him and even

let myself dream of him holding me in his arms. How I’d imagined

kissing him. We were treading on dangerous water. The closer I

allowed us to become, the harder it would be to keep the truth

from him. And no matter what, I could never let him find out my

secret.

Before I decided what to do, he did as he’d asked me to do,

and sat down on the cot with a sigh. He propped his elbows on his

knees and dropped his head into his hands. “I know I told you that

I kept a stiff upper lip when my brother died, but that wasn’t

exactly the truth.”

I stared down at his bowed head, my heart picking up speed.

Whatever it was I’d been expecting him to talk to me about, a

confession about his own brother’s death wasn’t it.

96

“When did you come to the palace — three, maybe four,

years ago?”

I nodded, but he didn’t look up. “A little over three years ago,

in the army barracks, my lord.”

“Then you never knew Victor. He was older than me and he

was the rightful heir.”

So slowly, my knee actually creaked in protest, I gingerly low-

ered myself down to sit beside him on the cot.

Damian turned to look at me. There was an expression of such

undisguised anguish on his face, it took my breath away. “I loved

my brother. He was killed by an assassin — a hired sorcerer. I was

with him before he died, but when we heard the sounds of fight-

ing, he made me leave. There was a passageway from his room to

mine. No one else knew of it. He told me to leave and I never saw

him alive again.”

I fought valiantly to maintain my composure, but it was a los-

ing battle. “Why are you telling me this, my lord?”

“Because you, of all people, understand. Because, for a while

now, I’ve known that of anyone on my guard, you’re the one I can

trust. I wish that you wouldn’t continue to pretend with me, Alex.

I’m telling you this so that you may know that you’re not the only

one who puts on a show for everyone around him. You’re not the

only one playing a part.”

My heart jumped into my throat. I blinked rapidly to clear my

eyes, meeting Damian’s pointed gaze with a feeling like a hand

had reached beneath my ribs and was squeezing the air out of my

lungs. My suspicions of him were true, then — he wasn’t the man

he portrayed himself to be. But was he trying to say he knew

my
secret?

97

“The fact that you’ve continued on, acting as though nothing

can shake you, even though losing your brother was obviously a

horrible blow, proves how alike we are.”

I slowly exhaled, the vise on my lungs releasing. He believed

the part I played was that of a dedicated guard, unaffected by the

loss of his brother. Did Damian suspect that I was hiding far more

than that? “Why did you have to pretend your brother’s death

didn’t affect you?” I asked to cover up how f lustered I was.

“Because a prince of Antion can’t afford to have emotions like

love or sorrow or grief. Not unless he wants them used against him.”

An uncomfortable silence fell upon us and I looked away from

Prince Damian to stare at my bare feet on the f loor. It hit me

again, how very little I really knew about the prince I’d served

day and night for the last year. Before these last couple of days, it had never occurred to me that the haughty, spoiled person I dis-liked might be nothing more than an act. But I still didn’t

understand
why
. Why go to such lengths to make your own people despise you? The man sitting next to me on the bed, talking

about the loss of his brother, was someone I could grow to respect,

even like.

“I need someone I can trust right now, Alex. And I hope I

have chosen correctly in thinking that person is you.”

“Of course, my lord.”

“You may call me Damian when we’re alone. I get tired of all

the
my lord
s and
Your Highness
es all the time.” He sighed, and I glanced over at him. There was nothing of the mocking royal heir

I was used to in his expression. Instead, there was only a great

weariness that lined his face beyond his years. Sitting this close,

98

looking at him in the moonlight, I was struck by how young he

really was — and yet, how old at the same time.

“My lo — um, Damian.” I haltingly spoke his name, my heart

skidding a bit beneath my rib cage. “I don’t understand what you

need me for. If you want me to trust you, I need to understand

what you’re doing at night. The secret passageways and letters and

everything else.”

Damian’s expression was unreadable in the darkness, but his

pale eyes pierced me. “If you prove
your
trustworthiness, in time, I hope to be able to answer your questions. But for now I need to

ask you to do something for me.”

“I am at your bidding, my lord.”

“Ah,” he said, “so we’re back to
my lord
, are we? I didn’t mean to offend you.” Damian paused and shook his head. “I don’t like

being so secretive, but I have no choice. Half of my family has

already been murdered. And though I believe I’ve chosen wisely in

trusting you, I have to make absolutely certain before I reveal any

more. I hope you can understand.”

I was silent for several seconds. He was right to be so cautious.

It was presumptuous of me even to have asked him to explain him-

self. I was lucky he didn’t punish me for my audacity. My exhaustion, my emotional state, the moonlight on his face, the low timbre of

his voice had encouraged me to become too lax.

But he was correct; we were more alike than I thought. Except

both
of my parents had been murdered by the enemy, not just one.

“I understand,” I said and I felt him relax slightly next to me,

as if the possibility that I might remain upset with him had made

him worried.

99

“I do hope to be able to tell you more someday soon. It would

be a . . . relief to have someone to confide in.” Damian glanced

over at me. “Don’t you agree?”

Now it was my turn to stiffen. “What is it that you would like

me to do?” I asked, ignoring his question. My heartbeat was prob-

ably visible in my neck, it was pounding so hard.

Damian looked at me for a long moment, his expression

inscrutable in the moonlight. “The girl who attacked me,” he

finally said, “the one who is to hang tomorrow, belongs to the

group that was also responsible for killing my brother. It’s a

rebel group that seems to believe killing us both will break my

father and end this war. They are unfortunately wrong, if they

think losing his last son will stop the king. I believe I have discovered where their headquarters are and I need you to deliver a

message for me.”

“You wish to send a message to the people who want you dead,

and you want me to deliver it?”

“Yes. Does that frighten you?” He pursed his lips, attempting

to suppress a small smile.

“Of course not. I just don’t understand what you hope to

accomplish.”

“If you prove faithful to me, I will try to explain it all. But not

yet. If they question you, it would be better if you can honestly say you don’t know why I sent you. I will give you the message on

parchment, closed with my official seal.”

I contemplated him silently for a moment. He couldn’t know

that Tanoori had already told me about this group, that she’d tried

to convince me to finish the job for her. Now here Prince Damian

100

was, asking me to go to them on his behalf. “Where is it I’m sup-

posed to go?”

“I will procure a small map for you with exact directions. It’s

a network of caves about half a day’s travel from here to the north-

east. It’s a place they call the Heart of the Rivers because three

different rivers all converge near the entrance to their lair.”

“You wish me to go alone into the jungle?”

Damian cocked his head slightly to the side, appraising me.

“You
are
afraid. But that’s a good thing,” he continued when I tried to protest. “People who are too cocky in the jungle end up

dead.” He tapped one slender finger against his lips. “Is there any-

one else on the guard whom you trust without reservation?

Someone you could take with you who wouldn’t ask questions?

You couldn’t tell him about this” — he gestured between us —

“or the letters or anything else.”

Rylan immediately came to mind. “There is someone whom I

trust as though he were my brother. But what
would
I say?”

“You may tell him that I demanded you deliver a message for

me. That you don’t know who the people are or why or what the

message is, only that I said you had to do it. Everyone believes me

to be a petulant, spoiled prince who forces others to bend to his

will, even if it’s some crazy whim. He’ll easily believe it.”

I looked at Damian, surprised to feel a reluctant new respect,

even regret, for the life he lived. He spoke of others’ opinions of

him without self-pity, his tone matter-of-fact. But though his voice

and expression were devoid of emotion, his eyes held unhappiness

when they met mine.

He must feel so alone.
I’d never thought someone who had

101

servants and guards at his beck and call, parties every night, and

women throwing themselves at him all the time could be lonely.

“Rylan won’t ask questions,” I said quickly, to cover my confu-

sion. “And I would feel better if he came with me.”

“Then you have my permission to ask him.” Damian looked

away, and the window into who he really was snapped shut.

“But what about the king’s orders that someone be with you

at all times — and Captain D’agnen’s order for me to guard your

room at night?”

“If you leave at first light, you should be able to make it there

and back by nightfall. I will tell the captain that I ordered you and Rylan to go.”

I didn’t like it. Even if I was back by night, that left an entire

day with me gone, and Deron didn’t know about Eljin yet. I didn’t

like leaving Prince Damian here without anyone knowing that a

sorcerer might be in the palace. Especially now that I knew a sor-

cerer had killed Damian’s brother. What if Eljin was here for the

same reason?

But if so, why wait? And why fight for a position on the per-

sonal guard, letting everyone find out who he was first?

“Alex, can you do this for me?”

I only hesitated for a moment. “Yes. Of course.”

“There’s one more thing. Are you familiar with bloodroot?”

“The plant?”

Damian nodded.

“I know what it looks like. There was a patch of it that grew by

my old home. Why?”

“I need you to collect some while you are in the jungle.”

102

“Don’t you have servants for that kind of thing?” I immedi-

ately snapped my mouth shut, shocked at myself for speaking so

boldly. But Damian just lifted one eyebrow.

“I’d rather not ask the servants. I would also appreciate it if

you didn’t mention the bloodroot to anyone else, either. Including

Rylan.”

“Why?”

He remained silent, looking at me.

“Fine, I can get the bloodroot, too.” I finally agreed, con-

fused by his odd request. Bloodroot wasn’t common, but I was

sure I’d be able to find it for him. The question was why he would

want it — and why the secrecy. As far as I knew, its only use was to be crushed up into a poultice to help slow bleeding.

“Thank you.” Damian let out a sigh, then stood up. “I should

go, then, and let you get some rest before you leave.”

I glanced up at the darkening skylight above us. The moon

had traveled out of sight and soon the sky would lighten with the

coming dawn. I realized that if I made this journey, I wouldn’t be

here for Tanoori’s hanging. Maybe it was better that way. There