Defining Us: The Calvin & Eric Story (69 Bottles) (5 page)

“What’s that?”
 

“Bring him with you. Talk here, talk in front of me.”
 

I start to object, but Doc interrupts, “Think about it. It’s neutral, it’s safe, and lastly, I can help you explain some things that you might not understand yourself.” His voice goes distant and he tells someone something. “I have to run, my next appointment is here. Think about it.”
 

“Yeah, alright,” I tell him and we hang up. I toss my phone into the chair and put my head in my hands, allowing my vision to morph to something unreal, something dreamlike, the fantasy…the one where sex doesn’t hurt so much.

“WHY are you hiding over here?”
 

I turn in the direction of the voice and watch as Talon leans against the railing next to me. This probably isn’t the best place to carry on a conversation. We’re in a bar after all, but when Talon wants to talk, there isn’t any place off limits. That’s the amount of tenacity that he has. Then again, his motivation and drive have gotten us this far in our careers and that means he’s someone you listen to, no matter what.

My eyes leave Talon and like a homing missile, they find
him
once again just as he throws his head back laughing at something the guy sitting next to him said. “Just people watching,” I tell him.
 

“People or Peacock watching?”
 

My eyes dart to his. “Am I that obvious?” I ask, bringing the beer bottle to my lips and sucking down more than half of it. Our eyes never look away from each other.
 

“Yeah, maybe a little. More so to me, I think, than anyone else.” Talon finally breaks our eye contact as he looks down over our group of people. The bar itself isn’t packed, but it’s not empty either. Just enough to mix into the crowd. “So Raine flew back to Los Angeles last night,” he says out of nowhere. I want to roll my eyes because I know he won’t say anything more on the issue, he’s waiting for me to say something, but the news surprises me.

“Well, that explains Dex’s dickwad attitude.”
 

He snorts, “She didn’t even say goodbye.”
 

“Ouch.” I shudder at the thought of being abandoned.
 

“Pretty much. He’s pissed off because he can’t go running after her.”
 

The waitress approaches us and hands me another beer. Talon orders one for himself and off she goes. “She means that much to him?” I ask skeptically.
 

Talon shrugs, “Yeah, I guess so. He’s been in a foul mood since leaving Atlanta.”
 

“He’s dealing with a lot. I can’t imagine being Raine and discovering all this bullshit about the guy you're with.”
 

He shoulder checks me. “I’m pretty sure she knew what she was getting into but Dex doesn’t see it that way. He thinks that he has to protect her from his past and that’s not something he can do, no one can.” He turns his back on the railing, I think he’s going to leave but he leans back against it, resting his elbows and overlooking the small crowd behind us. We’re elevated above the main floor and the rest of the band, but there isn’t a lot going on up here, which was why I came up here in the first place.
 

Talon succeeds at something he’s done best since we met; his quiet questions. He’s waiting for me to start talking. My eyes land on Eric and the guy he’s sitting with. The guy is definitely his type, well, all except for the fact that he could probably squish the wannabe with his bare hands, or step on him. My fingers flex around my beer bottle as the guy leans in and whispers something in Eric’s ear and I can see the faint blush spread across his cheeks.
 

“If he makes you so jealous, why aren’t you down there talking to him yourself?”
 

I grind my teeth in frustration. “If it were that easy, don’t you think I would be?” I mutter then ask him, “Do you ever look at someone and all you can see when you look at them is something that can only be described as ‘home’?”
 

“Every damn day,” he grunts before turning back around. “Every time I look at either one of them, that’s what I feel.”

“But you’re with them.”
 

“I am, but looking back on it now, I felt it the moment I rounded that corner and she was standing there, before you, as a matter of fact,” he tells me.
 

“But did you know immediately that’s what you were feeling?”
 

“Aw, hell no. I just knew I saw something I wanted, but it took me a long time to realize that what I wanted wasn’t something I could dispose of the next day. It was…it’s hard to describe…”

“No, I get that,” I cut him off. Thankfully the waitress returns with his beer and another for me. I quickly down the rest of mine and replace the fresh bottle with the old.
 

When the waitress leaves, Talon wastes no time in continuing the mini-inquisition he has going on. “If that’s what you’re seeing, why are you sitting up here watching him talk to…”
 

“Because it’s easier this way,” I say through gritted teeth.
 

“I highly doubt that.” He turns toward me. “Listen, I can’t pretend that I understand it because honestly, I don’t. A part of me always thought that you were waiting for him to admit it to himself,” he tells me.
 

I can’t deny his statement. “In a way, I think I was,” I say cryptically before sipping my beer.

“So he’s out and I know you’re not oblivious to how he feels about you.” I give him a sideways glance, drinking more beer. “That’s what I thought.” He swallows down the last of his. “So if you know how he feels about you, I can’t imagine anything in the world that would continue to keep you away from him.”

“Did Addison send you up here?”
 

He snorts a laugh. “Nah man, it’s honestly what I see when you two look at each other. There is something there, something I can’t quite explain because I’m not sure I understand it myself, but you know how sometimes you just know when something is meant to be?”
 

I don’t respond to him, I can’t. I’ve never been able to talk about my past with him, or anyone for that matter, and I’m not about to start now. “I have my reasons for keeping my distance.” Dr. V’s words come creeping back into my brain about social norms and society and I start to wonder if that is really what is keeping me away from it all. Not to mention the fact that if I was to finally tell someone about my past, if it wasn’t Eric, it would have to be Talon. Kyle and I are not that close, and well, Dex is a jackass and he makes no secret of that fact. While I’m confident that he could keep himself in check if it came to a heart to heart, he’s far from the first person on the list that I want to spill my guts to.
 

Talon shrugs, sets his beer on the table next to us, turns to me and places his hand on my shoulder. “Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate those reasons, brother. You should know that no one in this circle will ever judge you, or him, for your choices. Not me or Kyle - how could we? Certainly not Dex, he’s not oblivious to this either. We all love you and we love Eric, there is no judgment here.” He gives me a gentle squeeze before shoving off. I down the rest of my beer while I watch Eric and his new friend stand up and head toward the back of the bar.
 

“Damn it,” I grumble to myself.
 

“Hey there.” I turn to the voice interrupting me and find myself looking into the brown eyes of a gothic wannabe with a cute smile and hooker red lipstick.
 

“Hey yourself,” I tell her as she steps up closer to me.
 

“Wanna dance?”
 

I smile at the escape presenting itself, the piece of attention I need to stop myself from dwelling on what Talon’s just said to me. “Sure,” I tell her and take her hand.
 

I zip up my fly and leave…shit, what’s his name? Fuck, it doesn’t matter anyway. I leave him in the handicap stall of the men's bathroom. He had no problem kneeling before me, but anytime I tried to start anything, he shoved me off, so I gave in and let him suck.

Disgust washes through me. Why the hell do I do this shit to myself? Oh, yeah, because it’s my piss poor attempt at making him jealous. Piss poor because it never fucking works.

I round the corner and freeze when my eyes lock on him from across the bar. He’s sitting at the bar with some tiny trying-too-hard goth standing between his legs, kissing and licking on his neck.
 

What wouldn't I give to be that tongue?
 

Give it up…he doesn’t want you.

Fuck you…

My head and my heart begin their nightly argument. The inner war is getting old. The constant tug and pull from one direction to the other is nearly too much for me to handle anymore and walking into that bathroom served three purposes. The obvious, getting off. The next obvious was to make him jealous, and then the least obvious is my pitiful attempt at forcing myself to get over him and move on. A battle that has been playing out for months, if not years.
 

A battle I know I am going to lose, miserably.