Defining Us: The Calvin & Eric Story (69 Bottles) (22 page)

“WHAT’S up, T?”
 

“Nada, just calling to invite you over for dinner tonight, and to see if you’ve talked to Eric or Dex since we got home?”
 

“Dinner? Tonight?”
 

“Yeah, Addison’s cooking, wanted to see if everyone wanted to get together.”
 

“I don’t know, Talon, today’s been kind of a rough day.”
 

“How so?” he asks, and I knew he would.
 

“Long story. Let me get back to you on that. Eric? No, I haven't seen him today yet, but I did see him last night.”
 

“Oh?” He does a bad job of hiding the shock from his voice. “How’s that going?” he asks the obvious.
 

“Ahh, it’s going…I think.”
 

I’m interrupted by a knock at my door.
 

“You think?”
 

“Hey, can I call you back? Someone’s here.”
 

“No, have you heard from Dex?”
 

I roll my eyes as I make my way from the bedroom toward the door. “Nope, I’m pretty sure he’s locked himself up with Raine by now. I don’t imagine we’ll see him until we board next week.”
 

“Yeah, alright, I’ll text you the address.”
 

I open the door and standing beyond it is Eric and my heart warms when a genuine smile spreads across his face. “Actually, how about a rain check? Tomorrow night instead?” I ask.

“Yeah, alright. Whatever.”
 

“Really? You gonna fucking whine?”
 

“Shut up, no, I…Addie’s kind of excited to have everyone over.”
 

I shake my head, the dude is seriously whipped. “Eric, you want to have dinner at Addison’s tonight?” I ask and I hear grumbles from Talon through the phone.
 

“You coulda just told me he was there, fucker.”
 

“He just got here, he was at my door.”
 

“Oh…oh, well, fuck. Dinner’s at eight, come over around seven?”

“Why so we can all sit around while Addison busts her ass?”

He snorts a laugh. “Alright, fine, seven-thirty, no later.”
 

“Yeah, whatever,” I laugh into the phone and he hangs up.
 

I hold the door wider for Eric to come in. “I guess we don’t have a choice,” I tell him and he laughs. My phone chimes with a text. It’s Talon giving me Addison’s address. I roll my eyes and stow my phone. The urge to kiss him is making my lips twitch. I want to so bad, but I’m not sure how to react to a; his being here and b; the fact that he’s here much later than I thought he would be.
 

“Dinner with them sounds fun,” he says and I close the door. A big fat pink fucking elephant has taken up residence in ninety percent of my apartment as we just stare at each other.
 

“So…” I say with deep hesitation.
 

“So…” he counters and I want to sock him in the shoulder, something we’ve always done whenever neither one of us says anything, but I resist the urge, unable to take the chance that he’s on edge.
 

“Can I take you being here as a good sign?”
 

He smiles at me. “If you thought Dr. V was going to scare me away from you, you had the wrong idea. If you were hoping he would, well, I don’t know what to say about that.” His voice is confident at first then dips into shy uncertainty.
 

“I want to kiss you.” The words are out before I can stop them, before I can stop myself from the admission of what I want from him.
 

“Nothing is stopping you, Cal.”
 

I rush at him, throwing my arms around him and pulling his lips down to mine. He gently, slowly wraps his arms around me, holding me to him as our lips dance. I lick at his bottom lip which puckers for me and I nip it between my teeth and his breathing spikes and his arms tighten around me. I slide my tongue in along his, my head swims, lost to his warmth and the overwhelming sensation of finally having him back in my arms.
 

His arms loosen and his hands slide up along my back, sending a thrill through me. Sending desire through every inch of my body. I feel his cock stiffen against me and I respond the same. “Fuck,” I growl before claiming his mouth with more gusto, more finesse, more desperation than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. Not with Billy, not with any of the other guys, and certainly not with women.
 

Eric’s hands slide in under my t-shirt as my tongue dances with his. I run my hand into his hair and fist it. Pulling him into me tighter, hotter and harder. Letting go and losing myself in his warmth, his closeness and nothing else matters, but I start to pull back. Not for a lack of want, but for the uncertainty of what might happen if this keeps up. I know I’m not ready for that.
 

“Everything that happens is entirely up to you,” he tells me through his heavy breathing. “I will not push you to do anything, this is your ship, you’re driving it.”
 

“What do you mean?” I ask as I pull back from him. I’m not angry, just confused.
 

“I think we both need to settle down a little before we can talk,” he tells me as he slowly untangles his limbs from me. His hands sliding down my back cause me to shiver and that desire from a moment ago reignites.
 

“I’m alright. I swear,” I tell him. It’s true. “Each time I kiss you, I get pulled further into you, pulled further away from everything else.”

“Good. That’s what I hope to hear every day, but I realized something yesterday, after what happened in my bedroom.”
 

“Oh?” I pull back from him a step. He doesn’t flinch to let me go, he knows that space is good, that I need some, though I’m not angry, I’m curious.
 

“Well,” he starts to pace away from me, “Things were good, hot and heavy, until I told you I was beyond the point of maintaining control.”
 

“I know.” I cross my arms over my chest, widening my stance, taking a defensive posture and he scowls at me.
 

“But what I think triggered you was that you felt like you were losing control of the situation. Somewhere in your mind, you thought that my losing control was going to be something that was going to get you hurt.”
 

His words slide over me like black tar, killing my buzz from kissing him in an instant, the same thing that happened yesterday. The feeling is normal when I’m about to panic, when my libido is wiped clean. “I know you’d never hurt me.”
 

He gives me a small smile from across the room. “You know that, in your heart, but what’s in your mind is telling you something different, and Calvin?”
 

“Yeah?”
 

“There is no reason your mind should tell you any differently. It’s how you were reprogrammed. Your mind thinks that someone else trying to take control is someone who is going to hurt you, or worse.” I watch as he turns red with worry. “Fuck, I wish I could kill that son of a bitch.” I watch as his hands ball into fists.
 

“He’s already dead,” I tell him. His eyes snap to mine. “No, Jesus, no, it wasn’t me, but it was certainly someone else who he’d gone after. They just beat me to it,” I tell him and it’s the truth. I don’t remember exactly how I found out about it, but I remember that I did and I remember reading the subsequent information about the trial of the man who’d killed him a couple of years after I’d walked out of that facility. I remember the sense of relief and safety that washed over me at the time.

“Dr. V and I talked about it. A lot of what needs to happen now is on you. I will do my best to stay in control of myself, to let you take over, lead the way. If you think about it, you know that I’m right, that Dr. V is right. So all of the times you’ve kissed me since coming clean, what’s happened?”
 

“Nothing. I’ve been able to kiss you with very little repercussions.”
 

“But what do you think would happen if I walked up to you, right now and kissed you?”
 

The tar is back, my body starts to shake like I’m in a freezer naked.

“Relax Calvin, I’m…look at me. I’m over here.” His voice is calm, comforting and reassuring. I fight the sludge, I fight the panic and look at him, look into his eyes and slowly but surely the sweat dries up, the shivering stops and the darkness disappears. My talisman. “Better?” he asks and I nod. “Dr. V and I both agree that until you can fully, without doubt or reservation, trust me, that you have to be the one to take the lead.”
 

“I don’t know if I can do that.”
 

He gives me a wide smile. “I believe you can. You’ve already proven that you can. That is where we need to start.”
 

“I don’t know how far I can take it.”
 

“I’d chain myself to the fucking bed if that’s what it would take.”
 

I shake my head. “No, no, no because then I’d…fuck, Eric, I’d be taking advantage of you. I’d be-” I swallow instead of finishing my sentence.

“You can’t take advantage of the willing, Calvin. But I know we’re not at that point yet and we might not be to that point for a long time and that’s okay. I’m okay with that,” he tells me with so much conviction it’s scary.
 

“But I’m not. Jesus, Eric, don’t you get it?”
 

“Get what?”
 

“I want to be with you so fucking bad that…but…I’m afraid that if I’m not around you then you’ll realize this isn’t worth it…”
 

“Shh, stop right there. Do you honestly think that I would have gone to Dr. V if my intention was to simply fuck you and walk away? That all I want from you is sex? That all I want is for you to get over your fear of me, of men, of who you are and just let you go on your own?”
 

I freeze, letting his words consume me, letting his conviction wrap me in a blanket of warmth and understanding, a conviction I know I needed to hear in order to be able to do this.
 

“Calvin, you could go out and fuck a hundred men, right now, if it meant that when you were done, you were cured of what haunts you. If it means that when you got back here, however long it took, that I could have you so completely that I’d never have to worry about stepping too far, pushing you to the point of panic, goddammit, I would fucking let you walk out that door right now.”

That statement was the driving force behind my decision to figure out a way to make this work. I knew, at that moment, that it didn’t matter what I did, how I did it, or when I did it, that Eric was going to stand by my side, no matter what. I took that new knowledge and ran away with it. Letting the conviction of his words envelope me to the point of making this work, no matter what the cost.

“WHY is this decision so hard?” I ask no one because I’m the only one here. I’ve been pacing my apartment for more than ninety minutes.
 

It’s not, it shouldn’t be this hard, it shouldn’t. “Goddammit,” I grumble.
 

I want to see him. I need to see him. I fucking miss him like mad. We haven’t seen each other since parting ways after Addison’s impromptu dinner party last week. Tomorrow we leave for Denver and the last leg of our tour.
 

I look at my pile of stuff, already packed and ready to go. But I don’t want to stay here, not tonight. Tonight I want to spend it with Eric, but… I shudder.
 

I’ve been fighting the inner war, fighting to maintain control of myself and not let those assholes win. I’ve given those fucking doctors and that goddamn institution enough of myself, I’m tired of it. I’m sick of staying away from what it is that I really want, Eric.
 

His name in my head spurs me on. Desperate to not only see him, but to find it in myself to sleep with him, in the same bed.
 

After this weekend, the text messages, the bantering back and forth, the open and raw honesty between us, it seems logical, it seems like the next step. But can I do it?