Defector (4 page)

M
y fingers shook as I arrived in front of the white door to Alec’s room. Alec and I had originally planned to meet in two hours to have dinner together in the cafeteria. I brought my fist up against the door, but I didn’t knock, just rested my knuckles against the smooth surface. Maybe Holly was right. Maybe I shouldn’t talk to Alec. But how could I pretend nothing had happened?

“Alec’s in the dojo.”

I whipped my head around. Tanner stood behind me, dressed in workout clothes, covered in sweat, a towel hanging around his neck. Two guys stood a few steps behind him. One of them was Ty, Tanner’s older brother. He was in his twenties and had been gone on a mission in Afghanistan or Iran or something like that until very recently. He looked remarkably like Tanner—same dark skin, long limbs, almond-shaped eyes, but he had shaved all of his hair off and his nose was slightly crooked, as if it had been broken and not treated properly. The look in his eyes was distant. I didn’t recognize the stocky, muscle-covered guy beside him.

After a quick nod in their direction, I turned to Tanner. “Huh? What did you say?”

“Alec is giving Devon and Phil kickboxing lessons in the dojo. He’ll be there for at least another half hour,” he said. There was a hint of curiosity in his voice.

“Oh, thanks.” I forced my lips into a smile. Tanner stopped rubbing the towel over his mohawk. The guys must have sensed the rising awkwardness because they excused themselves and headed off to their rooms.

“Something wrong?” Tanner asked.

I shook my head. “No. I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” I said. “I just need to talk to Alec. Thanks for telling me where to find him.” I hurried past him, but I could practically feel his eyes burning into my back. If I was acting that rattled around Tanner, it was unlikely that I could hide my feelings from Alec.

When I arrived on the ground floor, I could already hear panting and the sound of someone kicking and hitting the punching bag. I hesitated in the doorway to the dojo, unsure if this was a good idea. Alec had always been the one thing at the FEA that I could count on. This could be the end of my relationship with him, of the thing I’d been longing for since I joined the FEA. What would I do if that disappeared?

The familiar scent of the dojo welcomed me: rubber from the new green workout mats mixed with the pungent odor of sweat. I’d spent so much time surrounded by the smell that it didn’t even bother me anymore.

Alec was pulling off his boxing gloves and began unwrapping the protective tape from his fingers when he glanced my way. He gave me a quick smile before he turned back to Devon, who was punching the bag, his face furious and determined. Phil was sitting on one of the green mats on the ground, arms wrapped around his knees. His head was tomato red, his clothes drenched in sweat. It was obvious that he wasn’t as fit as Devon and Alec. The workout clothes hung loosely on his wiry frame, their fit much too big on him.

When Devon stopped pummeling the punching bag, he glanced in my direction, but as quickly as his gaze settled on me, it moved on.

The smile that had been playing on Alec’s lips died. Could he feel my inner turmoil? Alec’s eyes rested on mine, and our surroundings became a blur. I could hear Phil talking, could see him struggle to his feet from my peripheral vision, but nothing could penetrate the whooshing in my ears.

Alec said something to Devon and Phil, who both glanced at me briefly before they grabbed towels and water bottles and walked toward me, then out the door. When they were gone, Alec moved toward me. His hands were still taped, but he didn’t bother unwrapping them further.

“What’s the matter?” he asked softly as he came to a halt in front of me. I searched his gray eyes, looking for a hint of something, anything, to keep me from saying what I was about to say. He touched my shoulder. “Tess?”

I took a step back so his hand slipped off me. I couldn’t focus when he was touching me. I could see the confusion on his face, but there was something else mixed with it. Compassion? Understanding? Regret? Or maybe I was just looking for things that weren’t there.

“Kate came to my room today. She told me everything about you,” I said. I was proud that I managed to keep my voice from cracking. I fought the urge to cross my arms in front of my chest, to create a shield between Alec and me.

He froze, his expression slipping from shock to anger and then to dread. “What did she say?”

“She told me that you’ve been keeping something from me all this time—that you’re a Dual Variant and that your secret Variation is reading and
manipulating
other people’s emotions.”

Alec stared at me, every muscle in his body so tense it looked like he might combust. “I—” Alec was lost for words. That was something I hadn’t seen before. And that more than anything else made me realize that Kate hadn’t lied.

“Tell me the truth,” I said quietly. I could see on his face that he was struggling to come up with a lie, and part of me wanted him to. Maybe I could pretend my talk with Kate never happened. Maybe I could pretend Alec hadn’t kept a secret from me. But I wouldn’t do that to myself. I was worth more than that. I’d put up with enough while he was torn between Kate and me.

Alec hung his head, the tension leaking from his body. “It’s true. I am a Dual Variant. Major thought it would be wise to keep my ability a secret, since it was something people often didn’t take kindly to.”

No kidding. “Everyone knows about Kate’s variation. I think they could have dealt with yours as well.” It was easier to talk about it in general terms, but other questions burned in my chest. Questions I was scared to get the answers to.

Alec began picking absentmindedly at his tape. Was he buying time? Considering once again how much to tell me? “Kate doesn’t have a second Variation she could have hidden her mind reading behind. Major had no choice but to let everyone know,” he said eventually. “And people are more concerned about hiding their emotions than their thoughts, in my experience.” He took a step closer once again but didn’t try to touch me. “I wanted to tell you.” His face looked so earnest and imploring, my heart gave a thud. But this time I wouldn’t let it turn me into a fool.

“Then why didn’t you?” I demanded, anger slowly but steadily taking the place of my hurt.

“Major forbade me. He thought it would endanger our community.” He hesitated, like there was more, and my anger flared again.

“You should have told me once we started dating. I had a right to know.” I clenched my fists. “I
trusted
you, Alec. When I was broken and thought I could never trust anyone after how my mom treated me, you gave me back my ability to trust.”

His expression turned pleading. “I know, and I’m sorry. But I wasn’t allowed to, and I knew you’d hate it if you knew that I could read your emotions.”

“Yes, you knew how much I would hate it, and that’s why you were glad that Major’s order gave you a justification not to tell me. At least admit that.”

“No,” he said. He gripped my hands. “I hated that I had to lie to you. Please, you have to believe me.”

I wanted to believe him. But that didn’t change the fact that he’d violated my privacy without my knowledge for the past two years. “So you always knew what I was feeling? And even now you can read my emotions, right?”

We stared at each other. He dropped his gaze and sighed. “Yes. But it isn’t something I can just switch off. Even if I don’t want to, and, believe me, most of the time I’d be glad to be spared having to deal with everyone’s emotions all the time. Sometimes I manage to tune it out, but it’s not always easy.”

I tried to imagine how it must be, to be overwhelmed with the myriad of emotions from people around me, with their fears and worries. Sometimes I could hardly stand seeing the sadness on Holly’s face. How much worse would it be if I could actually feel it like it was my own? A tiny part of me felt sorry for Alec, but the bigger part held on to my anger.

“Have you ever manipulated me?” I asked.

“I could manipulate people’s emotions if I tried,” he said slowly. “But it would be a breach of FEA rules, you know that.”

“That doesn’t mean you’ve never done it. Answer my question. Yes or no. Have you ever manipulated me?”
Please say no
, I thought. But I knew that he’d be lying if he did.

“Only for your own good. I wanted to help you,” he said reluctantly. “I couldn’t stand to see you scared. I shouldn’t have done it.”

“They are
my
emotions. I can handle them.”

Alec shook his head in despair. “Tess,” he whispered. “I’m really sorry.”

Sorry that I found out?
I wondered, but I didn’t say it. How could I ever be sure about anything around him?

“You don’t trust me,” he said.

“Did you just gather that from my feelings?” I asked.

He sagged against the wall of the dojo. His eyes looked tired. “I know you’re upset, but even if I couldn’t read your emotions, I’d know it from the look on your face.”

I wrapped my arms around my chest, as if that could stop him from looking into my heart, from seeing everything I didn’t want him or anyone else to know. I thought of all the times I’d lusted after him and all the nights I’d imagined kissing him. Even now, thinking about how he must have felt my desire for him every time we were close made me want to run and hide from the shame. But what if he had been responsible for my feelings? “So you never made me feel something I didn’t?” I whispered.

He frowned, then his eyes widened. “You mean your feelings for me?”

I couldn’t bear looking at him, so I stared at the floor-to-ceiling mirrors lining the other end of the dojo. One of them had a crack in it that had been there for months.

He touched my shoulders, bringing our bodies so close together that I could feel his warmth. “I’d never have done that, Tess. What kind of person do you think I am?”

“I don’t know what to think anymore. I thought I knew you, and suddenly it turns out you’ve been keeping a huge secret from me. I have to think about it. I—I just feel so unprotected.” Even that admission made me feel even more vulnerable. But what did it matter around Alec? All of my feelings were fair game.

Alec’s hands slid off my shoulders. “I always hated that part of me. It was why my parents hated me, why they couldn’t stand being in a room with me, much less looking at me. It’s why they wanted me gone. I always knew that this Variation more than my strength would scare people.”

I took a deep breath. “I think we need a few days away from each other. I still—”
Love you.
I didn’t say it. I couldn’t, not when a part of me hated him at the same time for what he was capable of, for knowing me better than I probably knew myself.

He touched my cheek, and for the briefest moment I leaned into the touch but then turned away. I needed to leave before he broke through my resolve. He probably didn’t even need his Variation for that.

“I love you, Tess,” he said quietly when I was halfway through the door.

The words felt like someone had thrust a knife into my heart. I’d wanted to hear those words from Alec, had long imagined and dreamed of the moment when he’d finally say them, had pictured the happy glow on my face when I’d hear them and how I’d pull his face down to mine to kiss him and whisper the words back to him over and over again. Today wasn’t that day. And now that day would never come. Without looking at him, I strode away from the dojo, toward the elevator. Alec didn’t try to stop me.

“T
his is so messed up,” Holly said.

I scratched my pencil over the paper, doodling black twirls around the list of names I’d written down with Holly’s help earlier. A dull fury burned under my skin. It covered up the underlying sense of betrayal and loss. But nothing was lost yet. Alec and I hadn’t broken up. He still wanted to be with me, and I wanted to be with him. And yet it felt like something had been broken in a way that couldn’t be fixed.

“Do you really think Tanner could be a Dual Variant? He doesn’t seem like the type to keep a secret.”

“Neither did Alec,” I said. Though that wasn’t exactly true. Alec was the more secretive, brooding type. “He’s Alec’s best friend. Even if he isn’t a Dual Variant himself, that doesn’t mean he didn’t know about Alec’s extra Variation.”

“I don’t think Alec would have told him, if he didn’t even reveal it to you,” Holly said thoughtfully.

I wanted to believe that Alec was the only one who was hiding something, but I couldn’t trust any of them. Not yet. Not after finding out that the person I’d trusted most besides Holly had lied to me from the start. “I have to talk to Major,” I said finally. Maybe he’d tell me the entire truth, now that I knew about Alec.

Holly’s eyes grew wide. “Whoa. Have you lost your mind? Major will go ballistic if he finds out that you know about Alec. He won’t tell you anything.”

A crackling sounded from the speakers in the ceiling. Holly and I raised our heads at the same time to stare at the white painted squares. My insides felt like someone was squeezing them. What were the odds that Major would message me or Holly on the day I found out about Alec’s Variation?

“Holly, Tessa, in my office in ten minutes,” Major barked, and with a hiss the speakers went out again. Silence followed.

Holly glanced at me. “Uh, why do I think this isn’t good?”

“Because it isn’t.” I glared at the picture of Alec and me on the digital frame on my nightstand. We’d taken it only two days ago. A red gummy bear was wedged between our lips, our eyes crinkling with laughter. A moment later, he’d swallowed it. When I’d protested, he’d silenced me with a kiss. That seemed like a lifetime ago.

“Come on. Let’s go. We can’t afford to be late.” Holly jumped up from her bed and dragged me to my feet. The desk chair groaned as it spun from the sudden movement. A good reflection of the way I felt.

• • •

“Sit down,” Major waved a hand at the two free chairs. The third was already occupied.

Alec. Of course he was here. His eyes followed me as I crossed the room and sat in the far left chair so that Holly ended up between him and me. It was ridiculous and childish, but if this talk was about what I thought it was—me finding out about Alec’s Dual Variation—then I needed the space, or I’d end up strangling him. Kate would have been here if she were the one who’d told Major about her slip of the tongue. So that left only Alec. I could still feel his eyes on me. They seemed to burn into me, ignoring Holly and Major completely. He could probably feel my anger, and for once I almost welcomed it.

Major’s gaze darted between Alec and me, and his frown threatened to swallow his eyes. “I’m sorry, did something occur that I should be aware of?”

The question leaked some of the tension from my body. So he didn’t know.

“No, sir,” Alec and I said at the same time. Major’s frown and the lines around his mouth deepened as he narrowed his eyes in suspicion. I’d faced that look too often to be intimidated by it. Realizing it, he stared down at a file lying opened on his desk. Holly relaxed visibly in her chair.

“So why did you want to see us, sir?” Alec asked, his voice all business. I wished I had his talent to switch off my emotions. I bet his Variation factored into that. Outside the picture window, it had started hailing, and the icy stones lashed angrily against the glass.

“I have a new mission for the three of you,” Major said, shuffling a few pieces of paper around.

“So soon?” I blurted. It had been only a few weeks since I’d returned from my first mission in Livingston. There were classes to complete before I was sent out into the field again. And my previous mission still haunted my dreams.

“I thought we’d agreed to keep Tessa in headquarters for a while until we’ve determined if Abel’s Army will target her,” Alec said disapprovingly.

Why did he make it sound as if I was the only target? The clunk-clunk of hail hitting the window filled the awkward silence of the room. Holly watched the scene with wide eyes. This would be her very first mission. I scratched my shoes over the gray tiled floor, unsure what to make of Alec’s strange reaction.

Major’s lips thinned as he folded his fingers on the desk in front of him. “It’s not my decision, sadly. A politician has been getting death threats, and one of his bodyguards was seriously injured during a recent attack. Secret Service is convinced that we’re dealing with Variants. Apparently the government may have done some bargaining with shady individuals. Now this is mob business, and Abel’s Army might be doing some of their dirty work for cash.”

“If Abel’s Army is responsible, Tessa can’t be involved in the case. It’s too dangerous,” Alec said urgently.

“What would our mission entail?” I asked, tired of everyone discussing my safety as if I wasn’t there.

Major’s lips turned up into the semblance of a smile. “Our main job is to catch the people responsible for the death threats and the attacks.” He turned his attention to me. “But in order to do that and keep the politician safe, certain people think you should impersonate him.”

“Who is he?”

“Senator Jack Pollard,” Major said. I didn’t know him, but a senator? “He was with the FEA a while back, then he turned politician and started working for the State Department. He tried to establish a cooperation between our government and foreign organizations that were similar to the FEA.”

“There are Variant agencies in other countries?” I asked. Somehow it had never occurred to me that there might be Variants around the world, not connected to the FEA.

“Yes,” Major said. “So far his cooperation efforts haven’t worked out though. Not that we’ve been revealing anything about the FEA to other countries, so why would they?” He paused. “Anyway, now he ensures that the FEA prison abides official regulations, though he’s never actually set foot inside.” It didn’t take much to hear the contempt in Major’s voice. “Mainly he’s an advisor for the government on matters of organized crime.”

“So he’s fully aware of the involvement of Abel’s Army with the mob and other crime organizations?” Holly guessed.

“Indeed,” Major said. “His affiliation with them is likely the reason for his becoming a target.”

“How long would I need to pretend to be him?” I couldn’t imagine living someone else’s life again so soon after my last mission.

“You’re not going to take anyone’s place,” Alec interrupted me. “Not when Abel’s Army is involved.”

I stared at him, speechless. What the hell had gotten into him? His gray eyes were boring into me as if he was trying to send me some secret message. I was so sick of him deciding what was best for me when he couldn’t be honest himself.

“That’s not for you to decide.”

“You don’t know how serious this is, Tessa.”

“Enough,” Major said sharply. “This is an order. I won’t tolerate your insubordination. If you can’t keep your emotions in check, I’ll pull you from the mission and will send Tanner as protection for Tessa and Holly.”

Alec’s face turned to stone. “No. I have to be there.”

Major searched his face for a long time, then nodded and turned back to me. “You’re going to take Senator Pollard’s place for one event. The senator has been invited to speak in front of a few hundred law students.”

“He’ll talk about us?” Holly asked in a hushed voice.

“Of course not,” Major said curtly. “He’ll give a speech about organized crime.” He turned to me once again. “Apparently the Secret Service believes that this’ll be the perfect opportunity for Abel’s Army to strike. It’ll be your job, Tessa, to replace Senator Pollard. You’ll be giving his speech, and you may need to talk to a few people, if necessary, but we’ll try to keep your contact with outsiders to a minimum.”

“So I’ll have to memorize his speech and learn everything about organized crime?”

“I doubt you can learn everything in two days. But it can’t hurt for your future missions to get familiar with the structure of the mob and similar organizations.”

“Sir,” Holly said meekly. “What will be my job?”

“You and Alec will accompany Tessa for her safety. While Alec will be part of the official security staff, you’ll be keeping an eye on things discreetly, using your Variation. It’s time that you’re finally part of a mission.” Major’s eyes narrowed. “Summers and Alec assured me that you can do this. Do you agree?”

Holly nodded hastily. “Yes, sir. My Variation has improved a lot. I can stay invisible for several hours.”

“That will do for now. You should make sure that your record is over a day by the end of the year,” Major said.

Holly shrunk on her chair and cast her eyes downward. Why couldn’t Major praise her for her improvement? Didn’t he realize how difficult it had been for her?

“Do Pollard’s bodyguards know of the mission?” Alec asked.

Major glanced up from his desk. “No,” he said. “No one else knows. The senator thought it wouldn’t be wise to tell them about it.”

“But they know about the FEA and Variants?” I said.

Major’s lips twisted. “No, apparently it’s hard to come by entirely trustworthy security personnel, unless you’re the president.”

Well, that made me feel safe.

“Pollard will visit headquarters tomorrow. He’d like to meet you before entrusting his reputation to you, and since you’ll have to touch him to gather his DNA for the mission, I agreed.” He gave a dismissive nod. “That’s it for now. You can return to your rooms.”

Alec tried to catch my eyes as we left Major’s office, but I ignored him. The moment we were outside, he grabbed my hand. “We need to talk. Just one minute.”

Holly waited for me a few steps away. “Should I wait?”

“No. It’s okay. You go ahead.” After she disappeared into the elevator, I followed Alec to the other end of the corridor, far away from Major’s office and his ears.

“You’ll have to trust me for this mission, Tess,” he said. We were standing far too close. I craned my neck to look into his eyes, and the emotion there stopped me from stepping back. “That’s rule number one for bodyguards and their charge.”

“Don’t worry. My feelings won’t disturb the mission. I’m sure you won’t let them,” I said coldly.

“Fuck. Don’t you get it? I don’t give a damn about this mission. I’m scared for you. They’re using you as bait again. Just like last time. I couldn’t protect you then, and you almost died. I won’t let that happen again.”

Words rose into my throat, but I couldn’t bring them out. Despair and worry crowded on Alec’s face. His palm felt warm against my cheek. What did it matter that he could read my emotions? It didn’t change what I felt for him. Alec leaned down until our breath mingled, and I could practically feel the heat of his lips on mine. One kiss and maybe everything would be okay.

Don’t
, a tiny voice warned, but it couldn’t compete against Alec’s warmth, against the smell of him, against the look in his gray eyes. Our lips collided, and it felt like the world around me had faded to black, like nothing mattered but him and our kiss. I jerked away. How could I know he hadn’t planned this, gauging my emotions until they told him what he was waiting for? How could I know that I wasn’t just feeling what he wanted me to feel?

Alec slumped against the wall. For a long time, we just stared at each other, and the look in his eyes almost killed me. I whirled around, away from the pain on his face. I had bigger things to worry about: Abel’s Army and the next mission. If what Alec said was true, Holly and I were in great danger.