Deep Surrendering (Episode Three)

“You can’t go to Europe. I forbid it,” I said as Fin and I walked hand-in-hand across the Harvard campus. The location had been his suggestion, and I realized I’d never actually seen most of it. I’d applied here, but hadn’t gotten in.

Most of the students had departed for the summer holidays, but there were still some out and about, basking in the sunshine.

“Fine. I won’t go back. But someone is going to have to tell my father,” he said. I shuddered and he squeezed my hand tighter and gave me a smile. He hadn’t told me much about his father, but I knew a little, and Rory had filled in some of the blanks. Ruthless businessman, rarely smiled, always wore a suit. The epitome of the patriarch of a public relations’ firm. I’d seen him from a distance at some of the charity events I helped organize, but I’d always been too intimidated to approach him. His son had inherited that quality.

“No, thanks. I think I’ll pass. But maybe you could just fake your own death or something. That seems to work in novels and soap operas. You could have a whole new identity.” The wind blew some of his coal-black hair in his face, and I reached to push it back for him.

He smiled at me and bent down to give me a kiss. Today I had the fun, flirty, sweet Fin. But tonight? Dark Fin would return, and I inwardly shivered in anticipation of meeting my dark prince again. Fun Fin would let me hold his hand, kiss him, and hug him. Dark Fin didn’t want to be touched, kept in control, and only kissed me if he wanted to. I liked them both.

“So what would my new name be?” he asked after he broke the kiss. We started walking along the path again, watching as several students tossed a Frisbee back and forth.

“Hmmm, that’s a good question. How about…” I tapped my chin with the hand that wasn’t holding Fin’s.

“Jason Storm?” he suggested. I snorted and shook my head.

“No, that sounds like a bad superhero name. How about Fitzwilliam?” Fin just gave me a look.

“It’s Mr. Darcy’s name,” I said.

“I know.” I knew that he knew. I’d seen a copy of
Pride and Prejudice
on his myriad of bookshelves.

We stopped and he backed me up against a tree. I put my arms around his neck and clung to him.

“You can’t go,” I said again, breathing him in. He only used a little cologne, and the rest of his smell was a combination of things, like detergent and mouthwash and his indefinable Fin smell. It reminded me of nights spent looking up at the stars.

“I have to,” he said, threading his hands through my hair. “But I don’t want to. I’d rather stay here with you. I’ve never had a good reason to stay put, and now there’s you.” I felt the same way. It was so soon, too soon, to feel this way. But nothing had been slow with Fin.

He wrinkled his forehead.

“I’m sorry, that was too much. I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t want to put pressure on you.” He was putting a
little
pressure on me. The harsh bark of the tree dug into my back, but I didn’t mind.

“No, it’s okay. I feel it too.” I pulled him closer and he ducked his head, breathing next to my ear.

“I wish I could bring you with me,” he said, holding me tight.

I leaned my head up and raised myself on my toes so I could whisper in his ear.

“How big is your suitcase?”

“So who was that tall drink of sex water we saw you with when this one hid under the table?” Chloe asked, jabbing her finger in my direction. She’d come over with the intention of borrowing … something, but she just happened to show up to get it when Fin was over. And I couldn’t seem to get her to leave.

Fin looked at me and I just shook my head at Chlo. Good thing I was used to her doing shit like this.

“That was a coworker. Her name is Serena and she’s straight. Sorry. She’s also engaged to another one of our coworkers, but you didn’t hear that from me.” He winked at us conspiratorially. “He was out of town and she didn’t want to be alone.”

“Is that what she told you?” Chloe said, cutting me off before I could say anything.

“Yes. And knowing Serena, it’s true. She’s always got to be surrounded by people,” Fin said.

“I was hoping she was your cousin,” I finally said. “But she’s not.”

“No, she’s not. But I’d rather not talk about her right now, because I’m here with you.” He pulled me closer to his side and kissed my cheek.

“Good answer, good answer,” Chloe said, giving him a slow clap of applause. “And on that note, I should let you do whatever you’re going to do. Make good choices.” She hopped up from the couch, gave Fin an intense look, blew me a kiss, and strutted out of the apartment, slamming the door.

“You have interesting friends,” Fin said. “Mine are much more boring.” This was the first I was hearing of Fin actually having friends.

I didn’t respond. Friends?

“I have friends,” he said. “They exist. I swear.”

“Uh-huh. I believe you. It’s just hard to, um, believe because you can’t date normally, so I figured you wouldn’t do friendship the same. Which sounds dumb now that I’m saying this out loud. Forget what I said.”

“No, it’s a fair point. Well, I guess my friends are mostly coworkers, since those are the people I see the most.” He thought for a moment. “And then there are some people I’ve met doing … other things, but I wouldn’t necessarily consider them friends.” His face changed whenever we got close to something he didn’t want to tell me. We were still doing the “one secret per night” deal. I hadn’t gotten my secret for tonight yet.

“What would you consider them?” I asked.

He sighed and moved until he faced me. “That’s another conversation for another night,” he said, brushing my hair over my shoulder. The air sizzled between us, and I could feel the shift to darker Fin. I’d wanted to stay at his place, but he’d said he wanted to stay here tonight. And by stay, I hoped he meant for the entire night, including sleeping.

“Is it?” I asked, my voice squeaking a little.

“Mmhmm,” he said, stroking the sides of my face and then fluttering his fingers down to my shoulders. I knew what would happen if I let him continue.

I grabbed on to his wrists and stopped his ministrations.

“Secret first,” I said, as he fought my grip a little. He looked up into my eyes as if he was going to protest.

But then he sighed and relented.

“You agreed,” I said, giving him his hands back.

“I did.”

Fin moved away from me. He seemed to crave distance when he talked about his past. I gave him his space and waited, scarcely breathing.

“Remember how I told you I pay for sex?”

How could I forget? I saved myself from making a sarcastic response by just nodding and biting my lip.

He took a deep breath and then held it for what seemed like forever.

“There are women, all over the world that I see.” I figured that out on my own. I couldn’t quite see where this was going yet, but he’d stopped talking and I thought maybe he needed some encouragement to get the rest of it out.

“And?” I said, tentative. I hated to say anything and break the spell he seemed to go under when he talked about things like this.

“And one of them is in Boston. She works at a club that I visit.” Now I was the one holding my breath.

Were there such clubs in Boston? Well, there probably were, but the average person wouldn’t know about them and they definitely wouldn’t be advertised as attractions to visit in a travel brochure.