Dedicated to God (15 page)

I’ve been lucky because the twenty years I worked, I enjoyed it. Not everybody likes their work. If I had it to do over, I wish I had gotten into that right away rather than go to medical school. I had some training in computers already, and the insurance company gave me some training. At the time, women weren’t being paid equally with men, so to catch up to make us on the same level, all of a sudden, every little while, I got a pay raise. It was really funny; I would come home and I had another pay raise! They were big chunks!

In the meantime, right across from where I worked there was a Catholic church, and almost every day I went to Mass down there. I had this thought that I should start praying the rosary again. After high school, the rosary was in the back of a drawer in my bedroom and there it sat. I don’t think I prayed
the rosary at all during college. I don’t know where this inspiration came from, but I thought I should start praying the rosary. I started trying to do it when I went to bed. That was a mistake; you start praying these prayers when you get into bed and you just fall asleep. So that didn’t work.

One Christmas, I think I was down at my mother’s house. She lived a block away. She was in her late seventies. Her brother used to live with her and he had left some books in a cabinet, including
The Song of Bernadette
, a book of fiction about Saint Bernadette of Lourdes.

That’s where it all started. I read that book and something just clicked. I got interested in her life, which started a desire to read other spiritual books. I started going to Mass all the time. During the week it was in Chicago, where I worked, but then on the weekend where I lived in Indiana I would go wherever they had Mass early in the morning. I had this real desire to pray. I wanted to pray a lot.

I was so excited about this new thing that was happening to me. At lunch-time, I couldn’t wait to get out and go to a Catholic bookstore; I’d spend almost my entire lunch hour browsing the books and buying some new ones. I was just so excited about all this.

I remember that I loved baseball. I loved the Chicago Cubs. My mother did, too. She noticed that I lost interest in that. The Cubs game would be on at her house and I’d be outside reading. Things like that were changing. My family noticed that, and my mother would get upset because I always wanted to be at church. I’d take off to go up and just pray by myself. It was just such a strong desire to do that, to be alone.

One morning as I was coming out of Mass, an older woman came up to me. She noticed I was always at Mass. There is a statue of how the Blessed Mother looked at Fatima. Some people would take that statue into their homes and they’d invite people in to say the rosary and prayers; the statue would stay for a week and then go on to another house. She invited me out to her home because she had it in her home, and so I went out there and then I got to be real friendly with her. She read a lot of spiritual books and biographies of saints and we got to talking a lot. I was having all these desires to read about saints and spiritual things, and so I had someone to talk to and share my experience with. I couldn’t share with my family; they were concerned. I couldn’t relate this to them because they were upset that I was being so taken away by wanting to go to church all the time and wanting to pray. I had this lady I could talk to. She mentioned one time when I was out
there one evening, “Maybe you have a vocation to a religious life.” I thought, that’s impossible because of my age. I said, “What kind of religious group would I go to?” Sisters that serve the sick with nursing, or that teach—I didn’t have any of those qualities. I didn’t understand it, but I still had this desire to pray and dedicate myself to God. It went on like that for a while. She knew a priest, and it was a real coincidence because he had just been up to
this
monastery teaching the sisters Gregorian Chant.

I got up enough courage to call him and I went to see him and while we were talking, he just came out after a while and said, “Maybe you’re being called to the contemplative life.” That wasn’t a shock because I had that feeling. One time I was reading a book about monks and the contemplative life. I had this feeling, that’s what God was asking me to do. I can’t explain how it was; it was interior. Deep down I knew that’s what I was supposed to do. It was a real coincidence, the priest had been up to this monastery teaching the sisters here Gregorian Chant. He mentioned this monastery to me. I said, “I’m probably too old, though.” He said, ‘Well, we’ll call.” Then I got information.

What impressed me when I got the pamphlet was they all wore long habits and there were pictures of them at night, kneeling before the Blessed Sacrament. I saw all that and said, “That looks great!” It made such an impression on me. I got up enough courage to call here and that was real hard, to pick up that phone to call and make an appointment, because this was all so strange. I had no idea really what the monastic life was all about. It was all new to me. I just knew that God was calling me. I knew for sure. There weren’t any doubts. In some ways, I had it easy because a lot of the women that come here are looking; they’re searching; they don’t know quite what they want. They go to different monasteries, look into the active life. I didn’t have that. I knew I was supposed to come to this—to the contemplative life, for sure.

My mother, when I approached her about the contemplative life and showed her the pamphlet, it just really hurt her. She didn’t want anything to do with it. That was hard because she was so much against it. She was older. And she was sick. Since I wasn’t married, I took care of her a lot. I was close to my mother, and she was getting older. She had a bad heart, but I think she died of some kind of cancer. She was always getting blood transfusions. But I knew God came first. It was really hard, but that was just the way it was. I’m sure now she understands.

The second time I visited the monastery, I just wanted to ask some questions about what I had to do to get here. I was so anxious to come and so afraid they wouldn’t take me and it was like, “Let me in!” I kept wanting to know, “What should I do next?”

I had a strong conviction that I knew I belonged at the monastery. I was supposed to come here. It was what I was supposed to do. It was just I had to hurry up and get here. I couldn’t wait; I was just real anxious to get here. I really was confident, even though I didn’t know much about the life from reading the pamphlets. It’s not the same as coming here and living. I can’t understand why, but I was very sure that this was it. I knew for sure I was coming. The Mother Abbess gave me a list of things you have to bring and I started on that. It’s kind of funny things when you think about it. It was real funny because I needed a white blouse with sleeves and I had the hardest time finding one. I had to go way up the north side of Chicago; a religious store sold them for kids. I made such an effort, such a big thing out of this. They have some of the things at the monastery, and if I didn’t get them, it wouldn’t have been the end of the world. I needed a blue blouse for working outside in the garden as a postulant. I was wanting to get all this stuff—a sewing kit—exactly what was on the list. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world if I hadn’t gotten it; they would have gotten it for me.

It’s all so interior it’s hard to put into words. When you have doubts, you know that. But this was just so clear. You have that inner peace, so you know you’re doing the right thing when you don’t have turmoil, when you’re at peace.

This made my life meaningful. It gave meaning to my life. Such a crooked path. I don’t know why it was me. It’s hard to understand. God wanted me, so I guess He loves me the way I am, so that’s all that counts. It’s all past. You can’t change it. Not everybody’s life is perfect. Things fall into place. Anyway, I’m here and that’s something. That’s special. Not everyone is called to this life.