Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (35 page)

As luck would have it, that’s the same position we get in to watch TV.

Blow jobs and TMJ

After two years of marriage, my wife now refuses to give me blow jobs. She says it aggravates her TMJ. I knew she had occasional pain and discomfort, but this is the first time she has mentioned it in relation to sex. Is this for real?—A.L., Chicago, Illinois

When a woman performs fellatio, she may open her jaw wider than usual and for an extended period of time. That can aggravate temporomandibular joint syndrome, which is damage to the sliding joints that join the lower jaw to the skull. (TMJ syndrome affects four times as many women as men, and most often women in their 30s and 40s.) The detrimental effect of temporomandibular disorders on a couple’s sex life has not been given much space in medical literature, but jaw-locking and pain are common concerns. Dentist John Taddey, author of
TMJ: The Self-Help Program
, points out that in extreme cases, a hug, a kiss, or even being jostled in bed may cause pain. A woman’s feelings about fellatio also can play a role. One specialist recalls a patient who disliked giving blow jobs so much she clenched her teeth before sex. That aggravated her TMJ as least as much as fellatio. But the consultation gave her an out on “doctor’s orders.” (We assume her partner soon began suffering from stress-related disorders of his own.) If your wife doesn’t have such misgivings, physical therapy and jaw exercises can ease her pain in and out of the bedroom. In the meantime, let her know that it’s not necessary for her to imitate a suction pump when she gives you a blow job—instead, she can use her tongue, hands and lips to tease you into oblivion. For women who find that fellatio occasionally leaves their jaws sore, take a minute to stretch before-hand. If your partner asks what the hell you’re doing, tell him, “You’re so big, I’m afraid I might pull something.”

Can vegetarians swallow?

My wife is a vegetarian. She’s worried that she might be ingesting meat byproducts when she swallows my semen. Can you put her mind at ease?—J.F., Toms River, New Jersey

For your sake, we’d better. Vegetarians don’t eat meat because of concerns for the welfare of animals, or because they believe it’s healthier. Assure your wife that no living thing suffered in the production of your semen—except you, waiting for your next orgasm. Semen contains protein but no meat, eggs or fish, and it’s low-fat. Even vegans, who are stricter about the rules, agree that swallowing is not an issue. We found this at eatveg.com: “Oral sex is vegan even though it may involve putting flesh in your mouth, as it shouldn’t involve any cruelty or exploitation, and said flesh is eventually returned to its owner.” By the way, many women report that vegetarians’ semen tastes better.

Her dirty mouth

I thought I was a clean freak until I met my boyfriend. If I ask him to go down on me, he acts like it’s going to make him sick because it’s “dirty down there.” (Of course, his penis is never dirty when he wants a blow job.) He’ll engage in foreplay only when we’re in the shower and I’ve been scrubbed for 15 minutes. This is affecting my ability to climax because he makes me feel dirty with all his complaining. What should I do?—K.J., Chattanooga, Tennessee

Dirty? Is he nuts? We think your pussy is adorable, and you haven’t even blown us. In fact, a woman’s vagina is more sanitary than her mouth. We don’t see much of a future with this guy. Make a clean break—and don’t forget to kiss him goodbye.

He gets blown, I get nothing

Whenever I initiate sex with my husband, it turns into a blow job. I don’t mind, but when I’m done, he says he’s tired and rolls over. If I ask for something in return, he says, “I promise, tomorrow night,” but tomorrow never comes. I’ve resorted to pleasing myself right in front of him. Any suggestions?—G.T., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Quit extending credit. It’s like a fire sale—when the door opens, you have to grab what you want. Once you have your husband erect, take charge of his cock and use it for your own pleasure. He’ll get his along the way. Tell him you’ll blow him anytime he wants, but only if you’re sitting on his face. Wake him up with a wet pussy in his mouth. Sit him on the bed, blow him until he’s moaning, then shove him on his back and climb aboard. One lick for him, two for you. That’s the formula. Tape it to the refrigerator so he won’t forget.

How can I deep throat?

I’d love to deep-throat my husband, but I always gag. Any suggestions?—R.C., Cleveland, Ohio

Besides keep trying? We asked a few of the women who have deep-throated us for their advice. They all said it helps to date a guy with a small penis. (Funny.) Keep one hand on the base of your husband’s erection at all times to maintain control over the depth of penetration. You also should tell him not to thrust—if he does, party’s over. Some women take a slow, deep breath and swallow a little at a time; others find it easier to breathe normally. One girlfriend practiced on a dildo before surprising us. Another said the worst time she had was when she felt queasy from drinking. The more turned on you are, the easier it may be. Coming down on the guy from above might help. Have him lie or sit. If you’re kneeling, his erection is going to hit the upper part of your palate, which is more likely to trigger a gag. Violet Blue offers another method in her
Ultimate Guide to Fellatio
: “The best position is lying on your back, with your head tilted back and slightly off the edge of a bed or couch. Time your up and down strokes with each breath. Inhale as you draw him in, exhale as you draw him out.”

Yoga love

My girlfriend first sat on my face, then arched her back and gave me head. Does this position have a name?—K.R., Telluride, Colorado

It’s a yoga move called the chakra-asucka.

Do women like blow jobs?

Do women enjoy giving oral sex?—M.S., Seattle, Washington

Most women enjoy the reaction they get.

Dipstick mark

I’d like to treat my husband to a blow job that leaves a lipstick mark on his cock. I have found, in practice, that most rouges don’t adhere. Any suggestions?—D.B., Phoenix, Arizona

A heavy layer of Red Coromandel Chanel once left a deep impression on us. How about a game of lipstick dipstick, in which you try repeatedly to extend your best mark? Everyone wins when you leave a ring that touches his belly and balls.

Blow party

My friends and I conducted an experiment with our girlfriends and wives. Whenever we requested oral sex, we used the term “blow party” instead of “blow job.” What woman wouldn’t rather go to a party than a job? What do you think?—G.T., Huntington Beach, California

The revolution starts now. Just don’t talk about your blow parties near any cops.

Am I blowing him too much?

I have been sleeping with a friend for the past five years. Sex always starts and ends with my giving him head. Can a woman blow a guy too much? If I cut back, will it change the way he thinks about me? I think I’m spending too much time giving one man so many blow jobs. I guess I wish he appreciated them more.—C.S., Columbus, Ohio

Appreciated them or appreciated you? After five years this isn’t a friendship—it’s a cheap date. You won’t hear complaints from your buddy, because even routine sex is better than nothing. And while we could give you a long list of techniques to shake things up, those would eventually become routine as well. If you want more intimacy, you need to find a more intimate relationship.

Hiccup cure

My wife couldn’t get rid of her hiccups, so she said she wanted to deep-throat me to relax her throat. Have you heard of this?—B.T., Indianapolis, Indiana

Until we received your letter, hiccups had no known purpose.

I’ve deep throated my husband so many times to cure hiccups that now he jumps when I cough. This morning, when I started hiccuping while he was at work, I left him a voice mail: “I, hic, need you, and you’re, hic, not here!”—S.B., Salem, Indiana

Making an impression

This girl and I were making out on a couch in a friend’s apartment. After we had sucked on each other for a while, I made my move downstairs. A moan and a groan later she asked if I wanted her to kiss my penis. She sucked until I came in her mouth, then she lifted my shirt and spit the semen on my stomach. Next she pulled off one of my socks and used it to wipe up. She turned the sock inside out and threw it on the floor. Thank God I remembered not to put it on the next morning. Have you ever heard of this technique, or was she just fooling with me?—J.F., Mishawaka, Indiana

That’s a technique? It sounds more like an audition.

A bite to remember

Soon after my divorce I began dating a stunning redhead. One evening, as we did 69 on her new sofa, I felt a sting in my penis. Her upper denture had caught on the skin of my erection. She got the denture out of her mouth, but we couldn’t remove it from my now limp penis. We had to go to the ER, where a doctor used a wire cutter to get it off. I ended up with an inch-long scar and a memorable story for my urologist. The accident turned out to be a blessing in disguise, because from that point on her blow jobs were all toothless, which is a hell of a sensation. With all the people who wear dentures, it’s hard to believe we’re the only couple who have had this misadventure. Have you heard of this happening to anyone else?—A.J., Ardmore, Pennsylvania

You’re the first. Congratulations. We’re sorry you had to go through that trauma to discover the joys of the gum job. Joan Elizabeth Lloyd, author of
Nice Couples Do
, has collected a number of anecdotes online about toothless sex, including one from a guy who wrote, “It wasn’t until my wife had dentures that she was able to perform oral sex beyond a kiss on my penis. She has a small mouth, and oral sex had been too demanding. Now she says it’s more sensual for her because she can feel on her gums what she never could with teeth.” But one woman wins the prize for dedication. “Because my husband is so good to me, I decided that I would make all his oral sex special,” she wrote. “I’ve had only one cavity since I was a child, but I eventually found a younger dentist who was willing to pull all my teeth without keeping records. Some people might find this perverse, but I believe that when two people truly love each other, sacrifices like teeth are worth any inconvenience.” Personally, we prefer our blow jobs with a little danger.

About a year ago the Advisor received a letter from a woman who planned to get braces. She feared that her orthodontia might hurt her husband when she gave him oral sex. I hope it’s not too late to share a story from my early days as a doctor. In the summer of 1949 I was a resident in urology at a large Midwestern hospital. Late one evening, two couples came into the emergency room, one leading the other. The second couple caught my attention. The husband was walking backward, followed by his wife, who was bent over at the waist. The first couple had covered the woman’s head and the man’s midsection with a towel. We led them to an exam room. You guessed it. The uppermost tip of the husband’s foreskin had become wedged in his wife’s new braces. She couldn’t speak. The man was afraid he’d have to be circumcised. I did a penile block and injected the foreskin with anesthesia. A few careful cuts and he was free. A dental resident removed the skin from the woman’s braces while I sutured the fellow’s penis. An hour later, he was back in the ER. The couple had gone home and had intercourse, and his stitches broke.—G.G., Scottsdale, Arizona

A few stitches wouldn’t have stopped us, either.

ORGASM

What goes around, comes around.

Let’s have another

When my girlfriend and I were having sex during a cruise vacation, I had an orgasm and remained inside her mostly erect. Nothing new. But after catching my breath, I again became fully erect and achieved orgasm with ejaculation within a few minutes. This scenario was repeated twice (my girlfriend actually said, “Again?”). Short of taking a cruise every weekend, is there a way to attain this level of sensuality on a regular basis?—C.M., Fort Lauderdale, Florida