Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead (4 page)

“Frankly, I don’t see what concern it is of yours why I’m going, but if you must pry, I’ve been invited to participate in a creative competition sponsored by a Fortune 500 company.”

“Oh God.” Mindy collapsed in a kitchen chair. “The one from Downtown Greetings?”

“Yes. How did you know?”

“Go get the letter!” Mindy ordered Artie. “Run!” She watched him scurry off. “Faster . . . The reason I know about it is . . . well, I entered it, too. The writing contest part.”

“You can’t be serious. I, at least, have an award-winning art portfolio from my days at Grey Advertising. What do you have?”

“What do I have?
What do I have?
I have years of experience buying cards. I’m a very big sender.”

“Wow. Great résumé! At least when they see my design work, they’ll know they’re dealing with a pro.”

“I guess. But the contest rules did say no experience necessary.”

“So? Contest rules always say no purchase necessary, but do you believe that?”

Yes?

“Well what did your letter say?” Beth snapped. “Are you in?

Are you going?”

“I’ll let you know in a sec . . . Artie, where are you?”

Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead

25

“Sorry.” His cheeks were flushed. “It fell behind the waste-basket.”

“Probably an omen.” Mindy took the letter, but her vision was blurred. “I can’t read this.” She handed it back to him.

“For God’s sake,” Beth snorted. “We’re not talking about a four-year ride to Harvard.”

“No, I mean I don’t have my contacts in yet . . . what’s it say?”

She began to pray.

“Hold on. It’s a little confusing . . . We liked your entry, yadda, yadda, yadda . . . thousands of qualified applicants . . .”

“I knew it! They rejected me.”

“Well, of course.” Beth yawned. “You’re an amateur.”

“And that’s why we look forward to having you join us at the Oakbrook Hills Marriott on Thursday, April twelfth, at nine a.m. !”

“I’m in?” she squealed.

“Looks like it.” He hugged her.

“I’m in! Oh my God, I’m so excited, I’m in!”

“You’re kidding?” Beth moaned. “Look and see if it’s addressed to you.”

“Yes it’s addressed to me.” Mindy cried as if she’d won the contest. “I’m so happy. Artie was right. You have to stay positive.”

“Well don’t get all cocky yet,” Beth said. “It’s only the pre-liminary round. And let’s be clear about something. I didn’t enter this silly thing because I’m a bored little housewife who needs a hobby. I’m doing it strictly for the networking opportunities, so please don’t expect us to hang out or anything.”

“Sure.” Mindy didn’t dare retaliate now that Beth had agreed to drive.

“And one other thing,” Beth went on. “I’m just reminding you to take in our mail while we’re away next week. I stopped the papers, but Richard likes to see the bills right away.”

26

Saralee Rosenberg

“Beth, wait. I can’t help you out. We won’t be here either.”

“Really? You guys never go away.”

“Well, it’s been a while, I know.” She watched Artie head upstairs.

“What are you, like driving to Atlantic City?” Beth snickered.

No
,
the Queen of England invited us to Balmoral
. “Actually, it’s my birthday and my in-laws’ anniversary. They’re taking the whole family on a cruise to the western Caribbean.”

“A cruise? Oh, gross! Those ships are like giant bacteria mag-nets. You board healthy and next thing you know, a thousand people are stuck in their cabins with Legionnaires’ disease.”

And Artie calls
me
negative?
“We heard they’re taking extra pre-cautions now.”

“Whatever. What are you doing with your mail?”

“Filling out one of those vacation stop cards at the post office.”

“Well do that for me, too, then, because I have so much going on before we leave.”

Not me. I have three kids and a job. I wish I could think of good ways
to kill the day.

“Wait,” Beth said. “Maybe Nadine could take in our mail.”

“But she doesn’t live in the neighborhood.”
And she’s my friend,
not yours.

“
Well I’m not going to pay her if that’s what you’re suggesting.”

“I wasn’t suggesting anything.”
Oh my God!

“By the way, when is that new family moving in next door to you?”

“In a few weeks, I think. Why?”

“I could have asked them . . . What’s their story anyway? Have you met them?”

“Yes and they were very sweet. I just can’t believe Nancy and Paul moved to Atlanta.”

“Well in my opinion, she was crazy to say yes.”

Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead

27

“She didn’t have a choice. Paul was transferred, got a big raise and a promotion—”

“Oh, please. Not in a million years would I ever allow Richard to uproot our family. This is what happens to wives who let their husbands make decisions. Anyway, what’s their last name? I’m curious if it’s the family I heard about.”

“Don’t remember. But she’s a dentist and he’s a something or other.”

“That was helpful . . . Do they have kids?”

“Yes, a little boy around two or three and I think she looked pregnant.”

“Better her than me, but if it’s who I think, she has a sister who is building that humongous house on Halyard Drive.”

“Oh gee. I would love to be on the open bay.”

“Yeah, never gonna happen.”

“Beth! Oh my God!”

“What?” she whined. “I’m just saying . . . Anyway, the sister is supposed to be this hotshot divorce lawyer. I heard she scares the crap out of husbands.”

“Well I’m sure she’s very nice when she’s not in court.”

“Who cares? It’ll be like having a watch dog in the neighborhood. Might come in handy one day if—”

“Beth, sorry to cut you off . . . I gotta go. Thanks for driving today. I’ll make it up to you.”

“Damn right! And I’m picking a day when it’s pouring out, like now.”

No
,
you’ ll pick a day like Hurricane Katrina.

“What happened?” Artie returned, wondering why Mindy’s hand was Krazy Glued to the phone.

Her eyes welled. “Where should I start? She’s mad that we’re going away, she said cruises suck, she’s already got an attitude about the new neighbors, and get this . . . she entered the contest!”

28

Saralee Rosenberg

“What can I tell you?” He checked the time. “At least you stole some of her thunder and got her to do us a favor. Sounds to me like things are looking up.”

Mindy nodded and wiped her eyes.

“Mommy!” Ricky yelled from upstairs. “I throwed up again.”

Beth laid on the horn. Finally the Shermans’ garage opened. It was bad enough she had to do the runs to both the middle school and elementary school this morning without having to be made to wait on top of it. “Oh, good,” she mumbled, “here comes Miss Chubby Cheeks.”

“Mommy, stop it,” twelve-year-old Jessica said. “You promised you wouldn’t say mean things like that anymore. Stacie’s my friend, and Mrs. Hanley says when you say bad things about people you’re hurting yourself worse ’cause—”

“I don’t know what you are talking about. I am very nice to her.

I just don’t understand why she has to be so loud like her mother and it’s ridiculous that she’s always got crumbs on her clothes.

She’s thirteen years old already. Look like a young lady!”

“Hey, Jess. Hi, Mrs. Diamond,” Stacie sang. “My mom said to say thanks for driving.”

“Any time,” Beth muttered.

“Mommy?” Jessica asked. “Can me and Emma go over to their house after school?”

“Not today. We have to finish shopping for our trip.”

“I don’t think you could anyway,” Stacie said. “Ricky was barf-ing this morning.”

“Oh Christ!” Beth snapped. “It better not be the flu! Jessica, do you have your hand sanitizer in your backpack?”

“But Mom! Mrs. Hanley says that stuff is bad for you. It takes away the good germs.”

“Enough with the Mrs. Hanley nonsense already. Is she leaving for Aruba in four days?”

Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead

29

* * *

By the time Beth finished both school runs, she had six minutes to make it to her nail appointment. Of all times to be driving behind the USS
Imbecile.
Didn’t this guy know the accelerator was on the right? Finally he turned and Beth started to cruise down Sunrise Highway, fortunately behind a FedEx truck. They were always in a hurry, too!

She just wished her right eye didn’t feel so saggy. Oy! What if the Botox had been injected too close to her eyebrow and she had the dreaded droopy eyelid? That’s what happened to her friend Jill. Except that Jill had gone to one of those clinics that got sued for using illegal batches, whereas Beth had gone to a board certified plastic surgeon chosen by
New York
magazine as

“the eye guy you want to see.”

She dropped the vanity mirror to take a quick peek, just as the FedEx driver decided not to run the yellow. Didn’t he have packages to deliver by ten thirty? She slammed on the brakes but was already on the truck’s tail, and the rain-slicked pavement showed no mercy.

Within seconds she was eating an airbag. Fortunately it was lo-carb.

Three

It was after two when a bedraggled Mindy arrived home from the pediatrician, the bank, the hair salon, and Burger King. Just as Artie predicted, Ricky had a little nothing virus and was ready to rock and roll. She, however, was dying to crawl under the covers.

Waspy said he’d review Artie’s figures but wasn’t making any promises. So now the only guarantee was that she’d be up nights working at her full-time job: worrying about their future.

Thankfully she could count on being kept company by the Artie Sherman Trio: snoring, farting, and teeth grinding.

En route to the powder room, Mindy noticed that the answering machine was blinking like crazy, which could mean only one thing. Everyone in her immediate circle was having a personal crisis that only she could avert.

In just the past week, she’d watched Karen Gold’s kids after school so that her neighbor wouldn’t have to rush home from the city. The next day, Mindy waited for the painter at Meryl Shechtman’s house, thereby enabling Meryl to keep her ap-Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead

31

pointment with her therapist. And in an uncharacteristic act of chutzpah, Mindy posed as a tough-talking lawyer in a phone conversation with the electrician who had botched a lighting installation in Nadine’s kitchen. So convincing were her threats, the guy hightailed it back to work that afternoon.

As for who was calling today, however, every call was from Beth. Seems she had smashed her new Lexus
“all because you are so
goddamned irresponsible” (beep) “and you forced me to be late” (beep) “and
this never would have happened if you had driven like you were supposed
to” (beep) “and my face is an absolute mess. I’ ll see you in court.” (beep)

“Hey! Did I tell her to drive like Danica Patrick?” Mindy asked the answering machine. It was no secret that Beth had been picked up for speeding so often, a cop gave her a season ticket.

Then the phone rang and she froze. Ever since Ricky decided his tree house wasn’t complete without caller ID, they had to go back to answering the kitchen phone the old-fashioned way: guessing.

“Hello?” she answered.
Please be a chimney cleaner
. “Hi. No, I didn’t listen to my messages yet . . . Oh. Sorry. Yeah. I must have had my cell on vibrate . . . Oh my God. Are you all right? That’s unbelievable! First Domino’s is slowing down, now FedEx. Who can you trust?”

But the news didn’t end there. Seems that the Diamonds’ auto insurance policy only had a small rental allowance, which forced Beth to choose between “some shitty little tin box from Detroit”

and a Korean car with cloth seats “and NO NAVIGATION!”

“I should never have let Richard handle these matters,” Beth fumed. “How the hell does he expect me to show up at the club with some little piece of crap car?”

“I’m really sorry, Beth,” Mindy fought the giggles. “But at least you weren’t badly hurt. That’s the main thing.”

32

Saralee Rosenberg

“Oh bull! My eye droops, my cheek is bruised, and my whole face is red from powder burns from the airbag. I look like I went ten rounds in the ring. Wait until everyone hears what you did to me.”

“Mom! Mommy! Mommmm!” little Ricky screamed from the staircase.

“Jeez!” Mindy said to Nadine. “If I was passed out on the kitchen floor, my kids would step over me to get to the fridge.

But the second I pick up the phone . . . What is it?” she hollered.

Ricky rushed into her bedroom, cheeks f lushed with news.

“Emma fell. She’s crying.”

“Oh my God, Nadine, I gotta go . . . If I suddenly disappear, check Beth’s trunk.”

Mindy flew downstairs to find Stacie, Jamie, Jessica, and Ricky all huddled around Emma, who was crumpled in a ball at the bottom of the staircase. She was holding her ankle and sobbing. “It hurts. I want my mommy.”

“What happened?” Mindy demanded.

The elder statesmen, Stacie and Jessica, started talking at the same time. “We were just playing hide-and-seek.”

“Ricky was it and Emma couldn’t find a good place to hide.”

“She musta tripped on something running away.”

“I can’t feel my fooooot. . . .”

Mindy looked around. The staircase was beginning to resemble a mini landfill right down to the falling debris. But clutter had never been an issue the Shermans spent much time debating. Beth’s kids, on the other hand, lived in a hospital-clean house. The first time she and Artie got the grand tour, she whispered, “What? No velvet ropes?”

Now as Mindy looked down at a tear-faced Emma, she wondered about the rumor that Beth used to glue coasters to her Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead

33

baby bottles. Unfortunately, she would have to ponder that when she wasn’t dealing with a medical emergency.

“Mommy and Daddy just went to visit the car at the body shop, honey. They’ll be back soon. Can I take a look?”