Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead (19 page)

“Looked like you had a lot of people though. Did she sell enough to shut David up?”

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“It took a while, but most people ended up buying something.

And then this one lady showed up with her daughter and bought like ten bags so that was good, but oh my god, was she obnoxious.

I heard she got into Penn early decision, but obviously it wasn’t based on a personal interview or using SAT words. All she said was, ‘
ew,
gross’ and ‘
um,
noooo.’”

“Sounds about right. So what did you pick out for you?”

“This.” Mindy fetched the Chanel bag. “Karen said it’s the hottest thing.”

“Wow!” Beth examined it with the eye of a jeweler. “It’s a great fake. You can’t even tell.”

“I guess that’s the whole idea, not that I understand why anyone would spend a ton of money on a designer bag that’s as mass produced as the ones I get at Target. And don’t hate me for saying this, but every time I see someone wearing Coach or Louis Vuitton, I think, wow, you just gave me permission to judge you.

You’re insecure, shallow, you can’t think for yourself—”

“Really. So if one day I gave you one of my Michael Kors bags, you’d say no thanks?”

“Well no, I guess not. I mean I like nice things too, but—”

“Richard is leaving me!” Beth blurted. “He took a job at Nike just like you said.”

“What? Mindy had to let that sink in. “Oh my God!”

“Mommmm!” Stacie yelled. “Tell the little bee-ach to get out of my room. I don’t have her freakin’ iPod!”

“Sorry, hold on.” Mindy ran to the foyer. “Jamie! Get out of Stacie’s room. You were supposed to be in bed an hour ago.

You’ve got the Terra Nova tests in the morning.”

“Are your kids usually up this late?” Beth sniffed.

“Unfortunately, yes. Just hold on. I’ll go get my stun gun and be down in a second.”

When Mindy returned, it was to a spotless kitchen. “Wow.

Can you start tomorrow?”

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“Don’t laugh.” Beth threw out a cup. “I may need a job . . .

hopefully one that doesn’t require hairnets or time cards.”

“What’s going on?”

“I don’t even know where to start.” Beth gazed outside. “Can I make some tea?”

“Sure . . . if you promise not to insult me by rinsing out the cup first.”

“Stop. I’m not that bad.” She looked in the kettle. “Oy. When’s the last time you used this?”

“The Boston Tea Party.” Mindy sat down.

“Sorry . . . I have this thing about being sanitary. I’d hate to start an outbreak of typhus.”

“Knock yourself out . . . as long as you don’t ask me to get up again.”

“Sure.” Beth sighed. “Can I get you something?”

“A case of beer and a straw.”

“Too fattening. I’ll make you some tea.”

“I hate tea.”

“You’ll love mine. It’s a special blend of . . . ,” she began as she searched the cabinets. “Where are the tea bags?”

“You mean tea bag.” Mindy rested her head on the table. “It’s around here somewhere. Jamie and Ricky were playing catch with it this morning.”

“You’re joking, right?”

“Yes I’m joking . . . third cabinet on the right, bottom shelf

. . . the only one I like is peppermint, and only after you add hot chocolate.”

“You’re very funny.” Beth went into action. “I can’t believe we were never close.”

“You dare say that to me in a room full of sharp knives?”

“I’m trying to make amends. . . . I really need a friend.”

“Why?” Mindy sat back up. “Don’t you have a whole group from the country club and your tennis league? And what about 166

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all those girls you go to Canyon Ranch with every year?”

“They’re around . . . I just don’t . . . things are different now

. . . they know me one way . . . I just can’t . . . I don’t want to be her anymore.”

Suddenly Beth leaned over the counter and cried. It was a loud uncontrollable sob that would otherwise be heard at the news of a loved one’s funeral and Mindy didn’t know how to react. Had it been one of her children, or Artie or Nadine or her mom, she would have hugged them and stroked their hair. But this was Beth.

“I’m sorry.” Beth blew into a tissue. “I don’t know what it is about being with you. . . . I always feel like I can cry.”

“I get that a lot. Here. You sit and I’ll watch the tea. I promise you won’t die from it.”

“Thank you.” She clutched a wad of tissues as if they could protect like Band-Aids. “Everything is such a disaster and I’m so miserable and I just want to blame someone, but the statute of limitations is up on my parents, and the girls have done nothing wrong, and Richard has done everything wrong, but I can’t decide if he lies to me because I’m so unhappy with him or I’m so unhappy with him because he lies about everything.”

“You
know
?” Mindy’s eyes opened.

“
You
know?” Beth’s eyes opened wider.

“I don’t know what I know . . . I’ve heard gossip, but I really try not to listen because half the time it’s not true . . . and the other half it is.”

“I hate this town,” Beth whimpered. “Why can’t people mind their own damn business?”

“Oh, come on. You don’t really think it’s different anywhere else. We’re all voyeurs today. Whether it’s Paris Hilton or the family down the block, it’s so much more fun to judge someone else’s life. Then you don’t have to bother looking at your own.”

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“I guess.” She tried to collect herself. “So what’s the word on us?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“No, I want to know. I’m sure everyone here was talking tonight. What did they say?”

“Just stupid stuff. Someone thought they saw Richard with this girl on Fire Island.”

Beth nodded, surprising Mindy. Where was the denial? The righteous indignation?

“Who knew? I could have saved money if I’d just had my neighbors do the spying,” she mumbled. “I’ve spent thousands on private investigators and that stupid nanny cam.”

“
Ew, ew, ew . . .
you think that Richard and Marina?”

“God no. She had much better sense than that. But don’t you remember? Before Marina we had that Bridget, the au pair from Sweden who used to run around in halter tops and shorts and spritz on my ninety-dollar-an-ounce perfume right before Richard got home? I don’t know what the hell I was thinking when I hired her.”

“I do remember her. All of a sudden Artie started dieting. Did you ever catch them?”

“No, but I fired her anyway. You know how boring it is sitting through hours and hours of video day after day waiting for something to happen? The most I caught her doing was stealing my pistachio nuts. Anyway, my point is that I’ve always had to keep an eye on Richard. He drinks too much and he’s a big f lirt.”

“So you’ve never actually caught him with another woman.”

“Another woman, yes. A nanny, no, thank God. But trust me, he’s never getting angel wings.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Mindy sighed. “I’m in shock. To us, Richard’s always been this stand-up guy who’s so funny and helpful. A few weeks ago he came right over when Artie couldn’t 168

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get the grill started, and he got Stephon Marbury’s autograph for Jamie. Plus he’s such a great dad. He’s always taking the girls skiing and to Disney.”

“That’s the thing. When it comes to impressing people, he’s the best. Then you pull back the curtain and his stories have more holes than a golf course. He’ll be out of town on business and I’ll say I heard on the news it’s raining there and he’ll say, no it’s a gorgeous day. Then he’ll come home and tell me he got soaked because he didn’t have an umbrella.”

“Well has he tried counseling? What about talking to the new rabbi? He seems pretty with it. You can’t give up without a fight.”

“All we do is fight.”

“You know what I mean. You’ve been together all these years, and you have a beautiful home and a family. And what about Jess’s bat mitzvah? You have to work this out.”

“That’s just it,” she cried. “He called me from his hotel just now and said he wants out.”

“I don’t believe it. I’ve seen you together and family is his whole life. Remember the night we came home from the airport with Aaron? Richard looked like he’d been crying because he thought you were playing around.”

“It’s an act.” She grabbed more tissues. “The whole thing is an act.”

“No way!”

“That’s how pathological liars are. I’m always telling him to forget Penn Station. He should get off at Broadway. And believe me, you’re not the only one he’s fooled. Why do you think his clients love him so much? He comes off as this boy genius who’s funny and charming. Of course his bosses all know he’s full of shit, but business is business.”

“Then why put up with it? I can’t even screw up the car pool without you getting crazy. He lies to you and that’s okay?”

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“No, of course it’s not okay, but why do you think I get so upset over the car pool? It’s because it’s one of the few things in my control.”

“Yeah, but still . . . How do you accept this kind of life?”

“My therapist says the reason I don’t fight back is because then I’d have to acknowledge that I’m a hypocrite. When I started seeing Richard, he was engaged.”

“You mean you found out later?” The kettle whistled and Mindy searched for clean mugs.

“No, I knew from the beginning,” she sniffed. “She was always coming by the office. Richard was my boss at Grey Advertising. It’s all so cliché. The whole story about long hours and tight quarters. He had an office with a couch and a door with a lock.”

“So wait. That’s the deal? Because you knew he was capable of dishonesty then, you think you have to put up with it now?”

“I realize it sounds stupid, but yes. The whole relationship started out on the basis of lies and deception, so how shocked can I be that he’s doing it to me? And the other reason I tolerate all his crap is because, well, aside from my marriage, I have a very nice life.”

“Wait. What? A bad marriage is a minor inconvenience? I could never live like that.”

“You say that now, but it’s not that simple. You look at what you’ve got versus what you’d lose, and don’t jump all over me for saying this, but maybe the difference between us is that I have more to lose. I’ve got the house of my dreams, the freedom to spend my day as I please, we take great vacations, I’ve got medical insurance. You’ve heard of friends with benefits? This is marriage with benefits. It’s just not love.”

“That is so sad.”

“I used to think so, too. Then I realized half my friends were in the same boat. They’re actually happy they’re out of love with their husbands. They shop all they want, have this great life, and 170

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don’t have to deal with sex. It’s like the cell phone ads. Nights and weekends are free.”

“Well that doesn’t sound very appealing to me. You deserve the real deal.”

“No such thing.” Beth sipped her tea. “Happily married is a myth. Women fake it like they do everything else.”

“Not me . . . I mean yeah, I get so pissed sometimes I want to kill Artie, but I still love him.” She toyed with the pocketbook.

“Although I do agree that a lot of marriages are like this bag. You think no one can tell it’s a fake, but that doesn’t make it real.”

“Huh?”

“Well, at first glance it looks authentic and there’s no reason to think otherwise. But examine it closely and you’ll see the stitching is crooked and the label is coming unglued. Maybe the reason the real bag is worth so much is because it will stand the test of time. Maybe the reason you’re having such a hard time with Richard is because you accepted the knockoff.”

“Lovely thought,” she sighed. “I’ve got dozens of designer bags in my closet but my marriage is a fake . . . except for one major difference. My marriage has been no bargain. I’ve paid dearly for it.”

“Fine, but now what? You can’t just throw it out.”

“It’s too late.”

“Not if you still love him. Do you?”

“I have no idea what that even means anymore. I know I used to. He was so smart and beautiful and he totally cracked me up.

I couldn’t wait to be alone with him.”

“Well, look, I’m not saying take it back to the honeymoon stage, ’cause Lord knows the thermostat gets turned down for everyone. I’m just asking, is there enough heat to try?”

“Why bother? He’s made it clear that he wants out.”

“Yes, but what do you want? What if in spite of everything you still love him and he feels the same about you? I’ve seen Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead

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the way he looks at you and as long as there’s no Oscar statue in your living room, I don’t believe it’s all an act. I think he truly adores you.”

“Who knows?” Beth threaded her tissues.

“Okay, let me ask you this.” Mindy went on. “Whose name is the house in?”

“Both of ours . . . why?”

“Because I saw this doctor lady on Oprah who talked about an idea that might work.”

“I’m listening. What’s the idea?”

“Can’t tell you unless I get my Lucky Charms.”

“You have Lucky Charms?”

“The Costco size.”

“I’ll get the milk!” Beth raced to the fridge. “Do they still have those little green marshmallows? Dibs on those!”

Fifteen

The last thing Mindy needed after her all-night “cerealathon”

with Beth was to get an early-morning wake-up call from Stacie.

“MOM!!!! I got it!” she shrieked from the bathroom.

Ohmygod!
“I’m coming!” Mindy hightailed it down the hall.

“Mommy’s coming.”

“This is so gross!”

“Can I come in?” Mindy stood outside the door.

“No!” Stacie yelled. “You’re going to slap me.”

“I’m not going to slap you.” Mindy laughed. “I don’t even understand that silly tradition. Do you have the pads I bought you?”

“MOM! Oh my God, why don’t you just yell so the whole block hears?”

“I’m not yelling. Tell me what you want me to do.”

“I don’t know. . . . My stomach is killing me and it went through my pajamas. I am not going to school.”