Dear Lumpy (8 page)

Best love from all of us to all of you,

D

P.S. Thank you for your letter.

My father was not keen on Chappie, my dog. I had inherited him from a work colleague and he had never been properly house-trained, He would leave smelly turds in very unfortunate places (Chappie, that is, not my dad). However, my parents’ dogs made Chappie look like a saint.

Budds Farm

18 September

Dearest L,

I hope you’re all thriving and that Chappie and Henry are both behaving with reasonable decorum. I enclose £5: please get Rebecca something for her birthday. Your mother is in very good form. On Sunday we went to a champagne party with the Cottrills in the morning and to drinks and supper with Aunt Pam and Uncle Ken in the evening. We have killed the geese and the Bomers are coming to help eat one this evening. Mrs Alexander is back home after a nasty operation. The Bomers’ old dog Dor died suddenly and I think they all miss her. Your mother’s dog is settling down but still makes a fair number of messes. I have not seen Lupin lately and have no idea what he is doing or whether he has any sort of employment. Your mother is off to the funeral of Mrs Tweed who did portraits of you, your brother and your sister in your nursery days. We went to lunch with the Tollers and saw Celia and her baby, a large robust boy like a wrestler. I have sent you 20 polyanthus for your garden from Lowland Nurseries Ltd. They like moist peaty ground and a bit of shade.

Best love,

D

My mother’s geese were not a huge success and my father told Lupin that they tasted like a moist flannel shirt.

Budds Farm

12 October

Dearest L,

Your Mother’s big luncheon party went off reasonably well. One of the acceptors injured her leg badly in a fall and could not come, and Nidnod’s old boy-friend Gervase O’Donohue died the day before, of old age I presume. The food was excellent and the drink made up for poor quality by being in ample supply. The Burnaby-Atkins had returned from Brazil the day before where they had had a very good time. Hotels, food etc were excellent but the loos less so. You are not permitted to flush paper down the pan but have to put it in a special receptacle where it remains till a slave removes it. The mind boggles! Everyone seemed to enjoy the party but one or two husbands got ticked off by their wives for drinking too much or pinching the wrong bottom. We went to Ascot the day before and had a good lunch with the Abergavennys. I had to judge the horses in one race and the sponsors, Bovis Ltd, gave me a huge bottle of port that I could hardly carry to the car. I think Bovis are builders: I had thought it might be a form of food comprised of Hovis bread and Bovril. Lupin was down here with his friend Elizabeth who I like a lot. Unlike so many of her generation you can carry on a conversation with her without having to spell everything out. In addition she has a well developed sense of the absurd. Not particularly good-looking, but nice hair and excellent legs.

I dread Christmas. I would like to opt out of the so called ‘Festive season’ and retire to a Jewish hotel in Margate.

Love to all, D x

My father continues to enjoy the company of intelligent young women, especially if they have a good sense of humour and can give as good as they get.

Budds Farm

27 October

Dearest Lumpy,

I hope you are all reasonably well and behaving with suitable decorum. Life is fairly quiet here with large bills arriving with disheartening regularity. On Saturday we went out to Inkpen and arrived punctually despite Nidnod losing the way. We had been asked for 7.45 but dinner was not until 9.15 p.m. by which time I had drunk a large number of cocktails. I cannot for the life of me recollect what we ate for dinner or what part, if any, I played in the conversation. I do not think my host and hostess were desperately sorry when I eventually took my leave, implanting a kiss on a young girl I claimed to be a newly-found relation. Nidnod lost the way on the journey home. The following day we went to a stand-up lunch at the Parkinsons to celebrate his 60th birthday. Mr P. was in v good form as an aunt aged 94 had kicked the bucket, leaving him a house and some treacle. We arrived at 12:45 but the warm groceries did not materialize till 2.30 p.m. as Mrs P and her mother, a lady whose diet is almost entirely liquid, had had a tiff in the kitchen. Needless to say the guests were all slosherino and not making all that much sense. All this had a bad affect on your mother who was very tiresome when we got home and had a slanging match with a man who had come to stay. I have been buying a book for Mrs Surtees birthday. I chose Porky Pig’s Adventures in a Balloon (illustrated). We survived having Aunt Boo to stay though after 48hrs I was on the verge of crowning her with what the police call a blunt instrument. She lives in a fantasy world and never stops talking complete and utter balls. She even out talks your mother, no mean achievement.

Best love to all,

D

The Cringer has just been v sick. I have ordered a new carpet of revolting colour for my bedroom, your mother is installing a bidet in her bathroom. No more news.

Aunt Boo was my mother’s highly eccentric sister. My father once said her first husband, who was an actor and often played the part of drunken men, had spent his whole life rehearsing the part.

Chateau Geriatrica

Burghclere

Dearest L,

I hope you are all thriving and that you yourself are conducting your life with appropriate decorum. I saw Loopy at Sandown looking rather damp, cold and dispirited. I went up to London twice last week. The first occasion was a huge lunch at Grosvenor House full of politicians of all parties, trade union leaders, bookmakers, foreign ambassadors and all sorts of riffraff out for a free tuck-in. Just my luck that I found myself seated next to a Newbury neighbour (v rich) with whom I have nothing in common. Two days later I had lunch at the Greenjackets Club with Noel Thistlethwayte and John Surtees. This was good fun though I drank too much and could not keep awake on the journey home. Your mother is in fair form: she has been in Leicestershire with her aunt who is, alas, showing ominous signs of wear and tear. Your mother’s dog was slightly seedy after an injection the other day and was fussed over as if it was a delicate baby ten days old. I think the vet must have got a bit browned off! We had a very good dinner with the Surtees on Saturday: a bearded man staying with them for a day knocked off a bottle of whisky and a bottle of gin during the time he was there. I did not take to him all that much. A man was murdered in Newbury on Friday: I did not actually know him but I think he was a tramp who operated a lot in this area. There is a theory he had a quarrel with another tramp when both were sloshed. Lupin is staying with Robin Grant-Sturgis, one of his few friends that so far has managed to keep out of gaol. I had a letter from your godfather Mr Langton-May: he seems to be getting over his heart attack. The weather has been cold and wet and there is no sign of a daffodil yet. The wood stove has been a success and I find if I stoke it up well at bed time it is still going strong at 9 a.m. the next day. Aunt Pam was at Sandown wearing a peculiar hat. The house next to the Alexanders is up for sale, I only hope the purchasers are not as boring as the present occupiers. I had my best jersey cleaned at great expense and within five minutes of putting it on had spilt doughnut jam all down the front. Maddening!

Best love to all,

RM

V. dull letter but news in short supply.

My father once told me that if he was reincarnated he would like to come back as one of my mother’s dogs.

Dearest L,

I hope you are all well and flourishing. Jane and Piers have just left. Jane was in good form but looked distinctly tired and seems busy.

When I drove her to the station she found she had no money and touched me for a tenner. Goodbyee ten quid!

Nidnod is much the same as ever but managed to get bitten by Moppet with whose private life she was interfering. I had a letter from Lupin today. It was a catalogue of minor disasters and uncomfortable encounters with weird animals. He rated Nairobi a second class Camberley. He has adopted a toad and named it after Patrick Fisher. I have a severe cold in the head which makes me morose (more so than usual). I took Jane to the Bladon Art Gallery yesterday. She addressed me as ‘old Frump’ and the lady who runs the gallery thought Jane was referring to her and took umbrage! I bought some fudge there which tasted like a very old cowpat. Cringer very wisely would not touch it. A woman at Newbury has strangled her 82 year old husband with a dressing gown cord. She said he made too many sexual demands but of course she was really after the poor old wreck’s money. William Bomer has won a prize at Bradfield for an essay on Oscar Wilde. Not bad at 14!

Best love,

RM xx

P.S. I seem to have got involved in helping to run some racing competition for the ‘TV Times’ with Brough Scott. I have also let myself in for a BBC radio programme with John Oaksey. My new book ‘Derby 200’ is due out any time now. I have just read a flattering review of it in some paper. On April 4 we have been asked to the opening of an exhibition of Derby pictures and relics at the Royal Academy. I must make sure I have a clean collar.

Always a mine of information about all sorts of things, local murders in particular.

Chez Nidnod

Dearest L,

Here we are just back from Wales, land of male voice choirs, non-stop rain and ladies with dark moustaches. The weather was perfect when we drove up and perfect when we drove back but it rained without pause when we were there. The country is beautiful and made Scotland look like something on the southern railway about eighteen miles from Waterloo. The hotel was excellent, very comfortable, good service and rich food. The rest did Nidnod good though she slept very badly. The dogs had a marvellous time and loved the huge empty beaches. Solomon is now known as Canute because of his absurd conduct in respect of the sea. I hear Jane has been unwell at the seaside. I expect she has been tucking in unwisely to prawns, crabs etc. I have no idea where Lupin is. I have an idea he may have got bored with those dreary old German lorries he was endeavouring to flog. Your mother has been doing some rather odd microwave cooking including a toad-in-the-hole that gave the impression of having undergone a thorough going over at the local crematorium. We have a fair amount of fruit here and I must start picking blackberries. The Burghclere Barbecue and Firework Display was a success and 2000 people attended. The Lambourn Lurcher Show was good fun too though most of the dogs would be better employed as doormats.

Best love to you all

D

My mother was addicted to buying all the latest gadgets for the kitchen. She bought a microwave literally the second it came on the market. We all groaned when we saw it as we knew what the result would be. Terrible food boiling in the middle and stone cold on the outside. However, she was thrilled when she won a competition held by the manu facturers with the poem, ‘Ode to a Microwave’. I can only remember the last line: ‘the marvel of a scientist’s eye run by electriciteye’. My brother claims my mother’s misinterpretation of poetry successfully put him off it for the rest of his life.

Budds Farm

26 April

Dearest Miss Plumpling,

I’m sorry to hear you are not feeling all that well. Try and rest as much as possible. I went to Newmarket last week and the cold was intense. A fat man in a sheepskin coat dropped dead just in front of me. I hear you are off to stay with your sister in Northumberland. If you take that mobile doormat you choose to call a dog, remember that Miss C. is not a dog-lover and that her cat, besides squinting, is very highly strung. I have just bought my summer outfit at Marks and Spencers: i.e. a blue wool and canvas jacket slightly too small, and a pair of shoes (£5) that will disintegrate for sure if they ever get damp. We had a dullish lunch-party last Sunday: a middle-aged lady who had bicycled across America, a man with a beard and another with a speech impediment. The wine I had bought was just short of nasty but they lapped it up and politely suppressed wry grimaces. Lupin has just turned up here; he looks comparatively healthy. Newbury is more tolerable now they have banned cars from the main street. Your mother is seeing an oculist; perhaps the one with slight halitosis who puts his hand on ladies’ thighs. Moppet has just brought a decapitated mouse into the kitchen.

Best love

D

My father should never have been allowed to purchase clothing without strict supervision.

Budds Farm

1 July

Dearest Lumpy,

Not much news from here. July has started and I am still in my winter clothes. We did however have a fine evening on Monday so decided to go for a picnic. No expense was spared and your mother opened a tin of Libby’s corned beef. Unfortunately she cut her thumb very badly on the tin and I had to drive her to Newbury Hospital where seven stitches were inserted. End of picnic! As a matter of fact the corned beef was not all that good. Last Friday I arranged to meet your scatty sister Jane at 11.45 at an art gallery in Duke Street. I arrived on the tick; no sign of Jane, who turned up 30 minutes late having gone to the wrong Duke Street! It was difficult to see the pictures as the gallery was narrow and the viewers kept on getting in each other’s way. We had lunch at a place called the Lafayette. Two watery cocktails (tasted like orange Kia-Ora and ice, nothing else) cost me £6. For lunch we both had sardines in mustard sauce, some boring chicken, raspberries and a bottle of white wine. The bill was £35. Coming out of the restaurant we met Jane’s godfather Peter Black, just back from America, and we walked with him to Hatchards where I bought Jane a book. I couldn’t get a taxi to Waterloo and the underground was crammed with belligerent adolescents and Germans reading street-maps. I caught a very crowded commuter train to Basingstoke, and between Surbiton and Brookwood a man with really appalling dandruff slept with his head on my shoulder. I was glad to get home to fish-fingers and early bed. Your mother was in Gloucestershire watching polo. We went to a splendid golden wedding lunch party given by Gar and Nancy Barker. A sit-down spread (excellent lobster) for a hundred, lots to drink and admirable service. Gar’s speech was not an outstanding success as he quite forgot to mention his wife (the mainstay of the household) and was just sitting down when his daughter shouted out ‘What about Mum?’ We gave them rather a good book on dogs with many illustrations. I saw Loopy on TV. Old men often do stupid things (don’t I know it) and I don’t think Loopy was wise to get involved with the SS even though some of them purported to have blue blood and enjoyed hunting and shooting (chiefly Jews).