Dear Evie: The Lost Memories of a Lost Child (11 page)

“All in good time, Katherine. You are getting stronger, and the memories are allowing you to feel the emotions you have held in for so long. Give yourself a few days to absorb all your new information. Evie wanted to be heard, and she is speaking loud and clear now. The truth will come out, and my hope is that once it does, the two of you can heal.”

She patted my hand and helped me up from my reclined position then walked me out. I was glad I had agreed to the hypnosis. Despite the emotional roller coaster I had ridden, I still felt calm and somewhat rested. I was ready to work hard on bringing up memories and making them my own.

For the next few weeks I felt as if I was getting closer to having true memories of my childhood. Each day something would happen that caused me to recall an event and things continued to flood back. I was remembering new things all the time. Not all were sad or horrible. Some were actually happy times. When Ralph Dark would be away working or drinking and Mama and Evie were alone, they would have a grand time. The wonderful closeness that Evie… that I had with my mother became my favorite memory, and I couldn’t help but cry one day when I realized I was missing my mama.

I remembered her and I missed her. I hoped that soon I would know what happened to my mama. I knew she and Ralph Dark burned up in the house, but why? What happened in that house all those years that Evie has refused to remember and that I was still too traumatized to accept as my own memory?

Dear Evie:

I remember you. I know that you loved to color, and one of your favorite snacks was applesauce and carrot sticks together. That is kind of gross if you ask
me. I remember how much you loved that doll Mama fixed up for your birthday and that you slept with it every night. I remember you were given a pair of pink cow girl boots when you were six, and you wore them all the time until they were just too small and you couldn’t stand how they hurt your toes another minute. I know you liked to visit Carla next door because she always offered you cookies and milk in a real teacup and saucer. I also remember how afraid you were of Ralph.

I can tell there are some memories still hidden. Let me hear you, Evie, so we can be okay. Please let me remember what happened when Mama died. Why didn’t she come out of the house with you and the baby that night? I have to know, Evie. Help me remember.

Katherine

Chapter Eight

I knew my parents, the ones who had adopted and raised me, would be wondering what was happening, so I paid them a visit to just connect and feel more grounded. Bill and Vanessa Tipton had been so good to me. I always knew I had a wonderful childhood once I came to stay with them, but until the memories of earlier years started flooding back, I had not truly appreciated the love they had given me and the sacrifices they’d made. Now that I could remember Grace, I realized she and Vanessa were a lot alike, at least, before Ralph Dark came into the picture. Vanessa wasn’t sure why, but I hugged her several times and told her how much I loved and appreciated her, and how much I appreciated both of them.

“We love you too, sweetie, you know you’re our sunshine,” she chirped.

I think if I could remember Frank Moon he would have been like Bill Tipton. No one could have asked for a more loving father, and I knew I would always love him, but now more than ever he was also my hero.

While waiting the few weeks for my next appointment with Dr. Anna, I decided to work on another part of my recovery: finding the brother I had not known existed until a few weeks ago. I knew his name was Stephen and since he was Ralph’s son, I assumed his last name was Dark, unless like me he had been adopted and his name had changed. Carla had heard he was taken in by a family, but for now I would go on the assumption that it was still his name. I spent hours searching the Internet for people with that name. Who could have guessed there were so many people with the same name? I was going to have to go on another visit to Harmony, which I knew Jason would not like.

“It’s a nice little town. Why don’t you and Gracie come along with me? We can have a picnic, and I can show you around.”

He was too busy, but the fact that I was taking Gracie with me seemed to make him less anxious. It would be an adventure. I could introduce her to Carla and show her the pictures of me as a little girl. Maybe the fact that I was in the company of such a cute little helper would make people more willing to open up to me with information. Gracie was so excited about going on an adventure with Mommy. I had worked hard to keep the scary parts of my quest hidden from her. She only knew that I was looking for a friend, and I hoped someone in the town could help me find him. I told her I wanted to introduce her to a really nice lady who knew me when I was her age. Until I knew more about Stephen, I felt like that was enough information for Gracie. Plus, if I couldn’t find him, why tell her about an uncle she could never meet?

I tried the local hospital first, but privacy laws would not allow them to give me information. No one would so much as confirm a baby by that name had been born in that time frame. I also tried the elementary school but all they really could give me was confirmation of what I already knew: my name and age when I was a student there and my mother’s name. I had taken a copy of my adoption record, which contained the information already. I doubt they would have told me anything without that. I went to see Carla Wilson next. Before walking up to her door, I stood and looked again at the lot where my early childhood home had stood. One of the pictures Carla had shared on my earlier visit was of us in front of our house. The house was almost as big as Carla’s house. Had it not been for Carla Wilson and her generous heart, we could have never afforded such a house. It had a large porch with a swing on it and it was pale yellow with green shutters. The picture had shown beautiful flowers on either side of the steps leading up to the porch, and I imagined that as a child I had helped Grace plant and tend them. I could see it in great detail in my mind now. I was starting to remember furniture and curtains that my mother had purchased at the thrift store. Even with our limited funds, she’d managed to make it an attractive and comfortable home.

Gracie pulled on my pant leg to bring me out of my memory and back to my mission. When I rang the bell, Gracie was hiding behind my legs. She was a little shy when meeting new people.

“Katherine, how good to see you again. I was a little surprised when you called.”

Before I had time to say anything, Gracie popped out from behind me and walked in as if she owned the place. Carla took in a deep breath and her eyes were as round as saucers. She looked as if she had seen a ghost. She looked at me, then back to Gracie. When she looked at me again there was no doubt at all that she knew who I was.

“Evie, is that you?”

Carla just stared at me for several minutes and as tears welled up in her eyes, she embraced me. I could physically feel the love she must have had for Evie. It was an overwhelming sense of relief to her. That little girl she had loved like a granddaughter and had worried and prayed for those many years since the fire was standing in her house once more. It made sense now that when my dreams first started I assumed they were about my daughter Gracie. Apparently she looks just like I did as a little girl.

“This is Gracie, my daughter,” I said in a voice that sounded almost like an apology. I felt guilty for having kept my true identity from Carla, but I think she had suspected it all along. Her expression told me I was right.

“Your Evie all grown up, aren’t you, Katherine?

A smile crept across her face, and she held my chin in her hand and looked at me with questioning eyes, as if confirming what she knew. She took a handkerchief from her pants pocket and wiped her wet cheeks.

“I guess I am, or that’s what they tell me. I don’t remember much of it yet.”

I proceeded to tell her what had brought me there. I was very cautious and even tried to spell things that might give too much information to my young daughter who was like a sponge trying to soak up every word of our conversation. Carla held my hand and seemed so sad at the confirmation of her worst fears. Her eyes would blink back the tears often, and she would pat my hand in sympathy and understanding but said nothing.

“Some of the memories are coming back, but it feels like it happened to someone else, not to me. I apologize for not telling you that in the beginning, Carla. It has been a long road for me trying to accept that the dreams I have been having are actually memories of my childhood. I know now that I am Evie, but I don’t remember being Evie. I still feel like Katherine. Evie is the child in my dreams”

“When that child walked in I almost fell over from the shock,” she admitted. “Except for the hair color, she is the spitting image of little Evie. It took a minute or two for the reality to sink in that Evie would not still be that young. The only logical conclusion was that you were my little Evie all grown up. When you told me her name, I knew for sure. Your mother would have been thrilled.”

Carla placed her hand on my cheek, and I could see the love in her eyes for the little girl she had been a grandmother to so long ago. We sat and talked for a while. She served us cookies and tea. Well, Gracie had milk with her cookies, but in a real teacup and saucer. I felt as if I were looking at a reflection of a time past when I was just a little girl having a tea party with my dear friend from next door.

I remembered being happy when I was with Ms. Carla. I told her about some of the things I remembered. I told her of the fond memories I had of her and how special she made me feel with her tea parties, and I told her about my quest to find my brother. She brought me the pictures and told me I could keep them this time.

“See, Gracie, that’s me when I was around your age.”

Carla was just mesmerized by Gracie and how much it felt like times past.

“Oh, wait. I have something that might help,” Carla said.

She came back with an old postcard my mother had sent her when she went with Ralph to visit his parents. They lived in Florida, and Evie had stayed with Carla for the few days they were away.

“I don’t want the brat whining and messing up the trip,”
was what Ralph had told Grace when they dropped me off. She repeated his words with a look that made me think something sour had come into her mouth.

She also told me how Ralph had pointed out that Evie wasn’t their grandchild, so his parents wouldn’t want to meet her anyway. Carla told me it had really hurt Grace that he felt that way. She had cried when she came to ask Carla to watch Evie.

“I truly think she felt trapped in a situation she didn’t know how to get out of by that time. After all, she had a child with him then and there was no guessing that he would leave him behind or allow Grace to take him if they parted ways.”

The card was a picture of the ocean and Mama had written the words, “Love and miss you.”

“I remember thinking how sad it was that they didn’t want to meet such a wonderful, loving child.” She smiled at me while giving the complement.

“I remember that. I had so much fun staying here for four whole days. It was like summer camp.”

We both laughed about the things we’d done that week. Carla had made it special for me. We’d baked dozens of cookies, made a fortress out of her beautiful quilts by draping them over the dining room chairs, and she’d read me so many books I’d lost count. The memories were flooding over me, and as she reminisced over those days long ago, I was a child again and she was my grandmother, not biologically but in my heart. I remembered the love I felt from her and the love I had for her in return. Carla Wilson had given my scary childhood a bright spot of hope and, I was glad I was recalling the good feelings I’d enjoyed in her house.

“There’s one more thing, Evie… I mean, Katherine, that I want you to have.”

She seemed a little embarrassed by her slip of the tongue but quickly recovered and rushed to the closet to retrieve something. She brought out a box, and inside the box was a paper bag covered in stickers of brightly colored flowers. Carla reached down into the paper bag and pulled out a blond, curly haired doll. The very instant that her bright blue eyes and little red plastic lips peeked out of the sack, my heart was filled with joy. My first impulse was to grab the doll and hold her close, but Gracie ran to her and grabbed it before I had a chance. When I looked into the little plastic face, a flood of memories poured through my mind, and I knew the doll as well as I’d ever known anyone on earth. I looked at Carla Wilson, and we both had wet eyes from tears we didn’t want to shed. As Gracie sat and loved on the doll from Evie’s past, I placed my hand over Carla’s and smiled with overwhelming gratitude.

“You saved her for me. I remember I asked you if she could live with you because Ralph started teasing me so much about playing with dolls. He used her as a threat to keep me in line.”

I had a strange knot in my stomach. I knew the doll held all my terrible secrets. I knew she held a memory that scared me more than any other I’d had, but I didn’t have any idea what it could be. But at the same time it was as if I’d been reunited with my best friend in the whole world. Carla smiled and nodded without speaking. I could tell she was working hard to hold back her tears.

Memories had flooded back for both of us. Hours spent in the old swing on her front porch, singing childhood songs, and reading storybooks she kept safe for me at her house. I realized then that Carla had been the keeper of my best memories. Grace and Evie had both sought refuge with her, and I remembered the love I had for her as a child. I struggled not to cry in front of Gracie, but the ache in my heart was almost too painful and a few tears did escape. The memories of the dear woman did not feel like they were just Evie’s memories. They belonged to me as well, and I gladly welcomed them into my mind and heart to keep forever this time.

Once Gracie finished looking the doll over, she handed it to me. I stared into the eyes of the doll as if they held the keys to my childhood. If she could speak, there were secrets that only that doll could reveal. Like a movie playing in my head, I recalled the day I brought the doll to Carla. Ralph had made it impossible to enjoy my companion. It was close to my tenth birthday. My body was showing slight changes, and Ralph seemed to be more aware of them than I was. Small breast buds were making it necessary to wear a beginner’s bra. It had no cups. It just basically helped make the growth less obvious in a T-shirt. Hair had shown up in areas usually kept covered, but Ralph knew. I’d finally talked my mother into letting me use the tub in the bathroom down the hall. In exchange I helped to keep the clothes washed up and hung to dry in other places so not to obstruct the tub. Ralph had insisted that I not lock the door.

“If you slip and fall, we couldn’t get to you,” was his reasoning.

He could think of more reasons to come in when I was taking my bath. He needed a shirt that had been hung to dry, even though he was not leaving for work, or he was checking on me because he heard a bump and thought I might have fallen. He even came in a few times to use the toilet. He made no effort to face away or keep me from seeing his penis. When I looked away, or if I tried to cover my body, he would laugh in a way that made me feel so strange in the pit of my stomach. A fear of something I didn’t understand, like when I was younger and he would sit on the edge of the tub while I washed myself. My doll companion had been a witness to it all. She was with me always, and I would hold her tight to me when he would make me feel afraid.