Dear Coca-Cola (12 page)

I can only suggest you soak the current pack of Anchovies in milk to lessen the salt content which may make the product acceptable to your dilemma.

Yours sincerely

KEITH WILSON

MARKET MANAGER

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

12th May

Keith Wilson

John West Foods Ltd

Liverpool

Dear Keith Wilson

Thank you for your letter of 29th April.

I am trying your idea of soaking your anchovies in milk but thus far it has only been a partial success, inasmuch as that although it satisfies my craving for anchovies I am still unable to fulfil my marital obligations. Up to now.

I have something quite odd to report. Rather than waste the milk in which the anchovies have soaked, I have been putting it down for the cat, and what only a few weeks ago was a shagged-out old tom now has a definite glint in his eye and has taken to stopping out all night again. He has never had anchovy flavoured milk before of course, and there is no doubt in my mind that it is this which has perked him up.

I'll let you know if there are any developments as you might be on to a winner here.

In the meantime it has occurred to me that where John West's Anchovies in Olive Oil is concerned there are no economies to be made. What I mean is that when I buy beans I buy them in big cans, which are more economical than small cans. So given my passion for anchovies I would prefer to buy bigger cans of them, thus saving myself some money. Why isn't this possible?

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

JOHN WEST

KW/DLF

14th May

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

The final bit of help I can give you is to advise that we have just launched a lOOg Anchovies in Glass Jar.

These will shortly be available in Tesco and Sainsburys and hopefully other stores as we continue to launch this product.

Yours sincerely

KEITH WILSON

MARKET MANAGER

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

19th May

Keith Wilson

John West Foods Ltd

Liverpool

Dear Keith Wilson

I am sorry to hear that you are leaving John West, and thank you for the final bit of advice you were able to give me. Good luck with your new job. I enclose a small donation of five pounds towards your leaving present.

Unfortunately I have refused to shop at Sainsburys, ever since they made wild claims about the quality of their New Zealand Lamb, and I'm not on very good terms with Tesco either, so I won't be able to take advantage of your 100g Anchovies in Glass Jar. Perhaps your successor could advise me of any other outlets you are considering?

I am persisting with the milk-soaked anchovies and I am definitely feeling a bit friskier. It looks like this could turn out to be the best tip I have ever had, particularly as the cat is going from strength to strength on anchovy-flavoured milk, and has got the corner shop's tabby pregnant, according to the owner, Mr Singh.

Thank you for all your help.

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

JOHN WEST

KW/DLF

22 May

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you for your cheque for £5 but there is a misunderstanding as I am not leaving John West.

I therefore return your kind donation and wish you well for the future.

Yours sincerely

KEITH WILSON

MARKET MANAGER

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

27th May

Your ref KW/Raven/DM

Keith Wilson

John West Foods Ltd

Liverpool

Dear Keith Wilson

Sorry about the misunderstanding, but because you said in your letter of 14th May that it was the final bit of help you could give me I naturally assumed you were leaving John West's, as I found it difficult to believe that someone who had previously been so helpful would suddenly refuse to give help, especially to a good customer.

Anyway I'm glad we've got it sorted out because you now may be able to help me in a big way, as your idea of soaking anchovies in milk is proving to be the best idea since sliced bread. I have only been on them for four weeks and already I can fulfil my marital obligations, and then some! In fact my wife says it's like being on honeymoon again. (I hope not because I got her pregnant!) When you also take into account what has happened to our cat, who continues to terrorise the neighbourhood's feline population, there can be no doubt that milk-soaked anchovies possess outstanding aphrodisiac qualities. This is bound to be of tremendous interest to lovers of anchovies and lovers of sex alike, and even those who don't like the former could very well be prepared to put up with them if they gave them a sporting chance of getting more of the latter.

Bearing in mind the above, I am considering marketing Milk-Soaked Anchovies as a sex aid, and I would be grateful to you if you could like you to let me know your best price for anchovies in 100 Kg barrels, or whatever they come in; or failing that the name of your suppliers abroad so that I can do business with them direct.

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

NO REPLY!

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

25th March

Mars UK

Slough

Dear Mars

I have recently heard of the quite amazing phenomenon of Deep Fried Mars Bars. My wife and I have long been fans of Mars Bars, and buy at least ten each per week, but we've certainly never had them deep-fried. As we are most anxious to try them this way - it sounds divine - could you please send me a recipe post haste?

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (M

****

MARS

Our Ref:- O33623lB JAP

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

21 April

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

Thank you for your recent letter regarding a recipe for Deep Fried MARS bars.

Although we have produced a MARS recipe book in the past we unfortunately no longer have any copies available.

We are sorry that we could not be of assistance on this occasion but would like to thank you again for the interest you have shown in writing to us.

Please accept the enclosed MARS confectionery voucher as a token of our appreciation.

Yours sincerely

Jackie Corriette

Marketing Department

Enc:

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

28th April

Jackie Corriette

Mars Confectionary

Slough

Dear Jackie Corriette

You took so long to reply to my letter of 25th March that in the meantime impatience got the better of me and I deep-fried a Mars bar without the advantage of a recipe.

You will be pleased to learn that I managed to fry the Mars Bar in batter without too much trouble, but problems arose when I tried to eat it. My favoured way of consuming your divine confection is to cut it up into bite-size pieces, place the pieces on my wife's naked body, and then eat them off her. (She does the same thing to me but she prefers Toblerone, for some reason). It was tricky to say the least, cutting the hot gooey Mars bar into bite-size pieces, but even trickier trying to put them on my wife, the trouble being that they were still quite hot. Consequently she had great difficulty keeping still and they kept slipping off. Several pieces ended up on the bedroom floor and in the bedding, picking up fluff. Consequently I ended up with only one fluff-free piece, and even that was inedible, as by the time my wife could stand it on her body it was cold (The Mars Bar, not her body).

With the above in mind, should you ever bring out another recipe book and you include deep fried Mars Bars in it, I think you would be as well to point out that one shouldn't attempt to eat it in this manner.

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

15th April

Batchelors Foods

Croydon

Dear Batchelors Foods

I have just used one of your Delicately Flavoured Rice packets, and very nice it was too. I just wish there had been more of it. In fact I expected there to be more of it, as it clearly stated on the packet '3 to 4 servings.' To whom exactly, sparrows?

If this seems facetious it certainly isn't meant to be, because after following your cooking instructions, and dividing the cooked rice into four, I can honestly say that each of the four portions was a good deal smaller than the portions of rice I saw being doled out to the prisoners of war in the film 'The Bridge on the River Kwai.' In fact if they'd had to survive on your portions of Delicately Flavoured Rice there's a good chance they would still be building the bridge, Alec Guinness or no Alec Guinness.

Is it possible that I got a faulty packet?

Yours faithfully

T Ravenscroft (Mr)

****

Batchelors

April 21,

REF 0061055A

Mr T Ravenscroft

17 Lingland Road

New Mills

Cheshire

Dear Mr Ravenscroft

We regret to learn of your recent experience with a packet of Batchelors Delicately

Flavoured Rice.

We continuously monitor our quality control procedures to ensure that we achieve consistently high levels of product quality and the most meticulous care is taken to enable you to enjoy our products in perfect condition. It is therefore particularly disappointing to us that in this instance our product failed to give you complete satisfaction.

We would stress that this product, is of course, intended as an accompaniment to a meal. Before any new products are launched by us on a national scale, they are first test marketed in one or two areas for a long period of time. In this way we are able to collect all kinds of consumer reaction to the product, the type and design of packaging and, of course, quantities, texture and taste.

We sincerely regret that despite the precautions undertaken that you have had cause to bring this matter to our attention. We wish to express our sincere apologies for the inconvenience caused from this purchase and hope that you will accept the reimbursement enclosed as a goodwill gesture from our part. We trust that you will find all future purchases to your satisfaction.

Yours sincerely

Jayne Pratt (Mrs)

Customer Services Manager

Enclosure(s)

4xBatchelors 50p Voucher

****

Sincerely
17 Lingland Road

New Mills

CHESHIRE

27th April

Your ref 0061055A