Dear Bully (26 page)

To Carolyn Mackler,
From Elizabeth in IL

Dear Ms. Mackler,

Hello, my name is Elizabeth and I am a sixth-grade girl. I really loved your book
The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big Round Things
. It is definitely one of my favorite books. The character Virginia Shreves really spoke to me in a way that no other character ever has. When I read this book, I felt like this was a book about me. I completely understand the way she felt in the bathroom when the Bri-girls were talking about her. I, having been ridiculed my whole life, would know that overhearing people trashing you is a lot worse than them saying it to your face. I feel like I couldn’t be this happy without the inspiration your book gave me. I can feel every emotion she feels with all the description you gave. When she bites the insides of her cheeks, I can taste blood. Whenever she cries, I can feel myself starting to tear up. I can especially feel the triumph of her rebellion. I think my favorite part is when she is in Seattle and she realizes she isn’t numb anymore. Thank you for writing this amazing book. I have never loved a book the same way before. If possible, please send a response to my letter. I would really appreciate it. Thank you so much.

Yours truly,

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth
by Carolyn Mackler

Dear Elizabeth,

I only just got your note. You must be in seventh grade by now! Every so often I receive a letter from a reader that makes me pause in my way-too-busy life (book deadlines and two young children), reflect on what I do, and feel moved by the fact that my novels might possibly speak to someone when they most need it. Thank you for writing that letter.

You said you’ve been ridiculed your whole life. While I wish I could wave a wand and evaporate all bullies and jerks (wouldn’t that be great?), I can’t. But I can say this: I totally sympathize. Before I get to my last paragraph—all about how someday you’ll be in high school (slightly better) and college (even better) and then you’ll hit the real world, where you can pick who you spend your days with (
not
people who ridicule you) and one day you’ll have a way-too-busy life, surrounded by friends who love you for who you are . . .
before
I talk about all this, I want to acknowledge how hard it is to be in the trenches. Believe me, I was there.

It started when I was in seventh grade. Someone slipped a note in my locker.
Dear Carolyn
, the person had written.
Welcome to Hoser High
. I didn’t know what a hoser was, but I had a sinking feeling that this couldn’t be good. It went from bad to worse. Boys started teasing me about being Jewish. They coughed “Jew” behind their hand as I walked into the cafeteria. In French class, when we learned the word
jupe
(meaning
skirt
), it sounded enough like
Jew
to make them turn in their desks and snicker at me while I lowered my head, my cheeks burning, my insides dying. As the bullying continued—everything from a group of kids making fun of me for showing up at school with wet hair to boys wearing swastikas on Halloween—my self-esteem tanked. I started junior high happy and confident. Sure, I was a little quirky and I didn’t care about clothes and I designed elaborate villages for my dolls, but at the beginning of sixth grade, I felt good about myself and my place in the world. By the end of eighth grade, I was skittish and nervous and insecure. I barely even liked myself anymore.

The hardest thing was that I didn’t know where to turn. It helped to read novels about teenagers with different lives and hope that someday I would escape my conservative small town. I had my best friend, though she was a grade younger and didn’t know how bad it was for me at school. I told my parents, who talked about it with the principal. But nothing got better. My teachers didn’t even make the boys remove their swastikas on Halloween!

This was twenty-five years ago. Maybe things have changed in the schools. Hopefully they have. Hopefully, Elizabeth, you have an adult you can confide in, someone at school who can help you. I know it’s tricky. I know that to tell someone risks calling further attention to yourself. I’m glad you were inspired by
The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big Round Things
. That was an important story for me to write, particularly when Virginia starts embracing herself as she is, not changing to please other people.

And this brings me to my inspiring last paragraph. The teasing subsided by the end of junior high. I went to high school and made new friends and had boyfriends and fell in love for the first time. I went to college and then became a novelist (my grown-up version of playing dolls!) and met my husband and got married and we now have two beautiful boys. No one teases me anymore. I feel safe in my life. Those hellish years are over.

Okay, one more paragraph. Because even though those years are over, they’re not. Being bullied is part of who I am today—in the way I think, the way I treat people, the way I raise my children. It was scarring. Now and then I have to take a deep breath and fend off the inner voice that says I’m, well, a
hoser
. But it also made me a deeper, more sympathetic, more compassionate person. It’s allowed me to write novels about teen characters and really feel what they are going through. Which, in turn, has resulted in letters from readers like you! Yes, I wish I’d never been bullied (enter magic wand here). But I’m writing to say that there’s hope on the other side. Hang in there.

Love,

Carolyn

Resources for Teens

NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

A twenty-four-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis.

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

THE BOYS TOWN NATIONAL HOTLINE

A toll-free number available to kids, teens, and young adults at any time—if you’re depressed, contemplating suicide, being physically or sexually abused, on the run, addicted, threatened by gang violence, fighting with a friend or parent, or if you are faced with an overwhelming challenge.

1-800-448-3000

www.boystown.org/national-hotline

www.yourlifeyourvoice.org

NATIONAL SEXUAL ASSAULT HOTLINE AND NATIONAL SEXUAL ASSAULT ONLINE HOTLINE

A free, confidential, secure service that provides live help operated by RAINN via their telephone hotline or website.

1-800-656-HOPE

www.rainn.org/get-help

TREVOR PROJECT

The Trevor Project is determined to end suicide among LGBTQ youth by providing life-saving and life-affirming resources including their nationwide, twenty-four/seven crisis intervention lifeline, digital community, and advocacy/educational programs that create a safe, supportive, and positive environment for everyone.

www.thetrevorproject.org

REACH OUT

Reach Out is an information and support service that uses evidence-based principles and technology to help teens facing tough times and struggling with mental health issues. All content is written by teens, for teens.

http://us.reachout.com

THE JED FOUNDATION

The Jed Foundation works nationally to reduce the rate of suicide and the prevalence of emotional distress among college and university students.

www.jedfoundation.org

IT GETS BETTER PROJECT

The suicide of fifteen-year-old Billy Lucas inspired “Savage Love” columnist Dan Savage’s website, where musicians, politicians, artists, and many, many more talk openly about growing up gay—and sharing how life got better.

www.itgetsbetter.org

RAVEN DAYS

“For surviving middle school, junior high school, and high school as a hunted outsider.” An organization for outsiders who are being bullied at school, for adults who remember what it was like to be bullied, and for those who want to help.

www.ravendays.org

Resources for Educators and Parents

STOMP OUT BULLYING

Stomp Out Bullying, a national antibullying and anti-cyberbullying program for kids and teens, is a program of Love Our Children USA.

www.stompoutbullying.org

TEACHING TOLERANCE

Teaching Tolerance, a program of the Southern Poverty Law Center, aims to reduce prejudice and improve intergroup relations in the nation’s classrooms and communities. Teaching Tolerance’s Mix It Up program is a national campaign that helps K–12 teachers develop inclusive school communities.

www.tolerance.org

INTERNATIONAL BULLYING PREVENTION ASSOCIATION

The mission of the International Bullying Prevention Association is to support and enhance quality research-based bullying prevention principles and practices in order to achieve safe school climates, healthy work environments, good citizenship, and civic responsibility.

www.stopbullyingworld.org

GLSEN

The Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network, the leading national education organization focused on ensuring safe schools for all students, envisions a world in which every child learns to respect and accept all people, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity/expression.

www.glsen.org

MASSACHUSETTS AGGRESSION REDUCTION CENTER

The MARC website offers free resources on bullying prevention, cyberbullying education and prevention, and violence prevention.

www.bridgew.edu/marc

STOP BULLYING NOW!

A campaign that presents practical, research-based strategies to reduce bullying in schools.

www.stopbullyingnow.com

NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR PEOPLE OF COLOR AGAINST SUICIDE

NOPCAS was formed to stop the tragic epidemic of suicide in minority communities.

www.nopcas.com

THE OPHELIA PROJECT

The Ophelia Project serves youth and adults who are affected by relational and other nonphysical forms of aggression by providing them with a unique combination of tools, strategies, and solutions.