Dead Stars (30 page)

He used to love reading NatGeo the Magazine but it started getting too sado-porn for his tastes. Fucking Rupert Murdoch bought it, fucking Murdoch ruins everything. Destroys. The last time he flipped through one was a few months ago in the waiting room of a pain doc. Foto of a farmer in the snow perched over the carcasses of two reindeer whose antlers became entangled. The old Swede said he figured it took them three days to die.
Fuckin Murdoch
.

Hummingbirds scared him—too much like fibrillating
s. They reminded him of what he thought his own
must have looked like before the small, secret coronary. (Nobody even knew he'd had one except an RN he kept semi in touch with, she was a dope fiend, sometimes they FaceTime geni-cammed, she stuck a hairbrush up.) This deepvoiced narrator guy was talking about how a praying mantis could kill a hummingbird.
Say what?
Jerzy PAUSED the docu to google praying mantis because he got temporarily
fakakta
& thought maybe a _/|\_ mantis really
wasn't
an insect like he fucking
thought
—but no! shit! It
was—
unpausing the Tivo so the narrator could say that mantises waited
in ambush
, fucking
waited!
at the feeders! for the hummingbirds to come! How the fuck could that be? How could it? because that demonstrates
intelligence
, how do you even
recognize
a hummingbird feeder if you're a fucking insect, how do you
lay in wait,
you're a mutherfucking
insect
, & if an
insect
can kill a
bird
then maybe it could learn to recognize
the door to my fucking room
 . . . . . . . . . . .

With stupendous effort, he kept reality checking to make sure he wasn't having a freak-hallucination. When it became too much, he MUTED (letting it continue to PLAY, hoping the mutherfucking docu would do him the favor of
ending
by the time he came back), & hit the kitchen for something to eat but of course he wasn't hungry. Decided to look for gum, looked in the drawer where Tom-Tom kept lightbulbs & screwdrivers & tacks, couldn't find any, actually didn't feel like gum anyway. Then he wanted a cookie, there happened to be an actual cookie jar on the counter (but no cookies, he'd need to remedy that, he'd pick up his latest fave, Tim Tams, Tim Tams for Tom-Tom, she'd get a kick out of that,
chewy caramel chewy fudge chewy baca Tim Tams——shit. Maybe I should just run out right now to the 24-hour Ralphs
) so he went back to his room to smoke, his attention back on the 3 torn
Can You Spot the Differences?
pages, couldn't remember if he'd torn them out or if Tom-Tom left em for him, Tom-Tom was always tearing mindless shit out of mags & leaving it for him to peruse . . . . . . . he sat back down, eyes averted from the screen.

He tried calling T
²
's cell, bored, horny, imagined it ringing beside her dead body, or
ringing ringing ringing
while she was being raped by the police. Hung up & went back to Biggie & Martin, the mantis (Biggie) & the hummingbird (Martin), lit the crack pipe, scoped the 3 torn-out pages, thought about going for TimTams, handfucked for a hot sec to Emma, jacked to Rob, Biggie Martin hummingbird MUTE
pipe jack/rob lowe's dick in his mouth emma back to rob back to emma back to rob back to emma he cums kitchencookie jar no gum in the hardware drawer useless phonecall to TomTom TimTams
UNMUTE

rub

just one

more

off (Lea Michele's hairyhaileejewish arms&pussy he thought about going to the tube that featured CATEGORY: HAIRY/JEWISH

There they are: side by side: the Mantis and the Hummingbird.

Can You Spot the Differences?

      morephonecallstoTomTom         morekitchentrips         more crackpipejacking         GBH         mantisjack biggie biggie martin i love lucy who ate the fucking cookies         tries to jack can't cum finally sleeps.

EXPLICIT

[Tom-Tom]

Domain Change

“Hey,

guest what
, sunshine? Alice doesn't
live
here anymore! Not for long, anyway . . . that is
correct
, we are
moving
. We are movin & groovin—to Mt. Olympus! You heard me,
biatch
, we are
chariots on fucking
FIRE. Tell you more about it later, hon, you will not
believe
how it came down, the
opportunity
, man, it is all
gunna
happen
, it's all
happening
, & you better start wishing
large
, Large Boy, cause right now there aint a
in the sky that's gonna say no to you. Lotsa airplanes in the night sky, sunshine.
When you SWISHER 'pon a star, makes no diff——
& on
top
everything, it's a
moneybag year
, Chinese
moneybag year
, did you know that, Holmes? Bet you didn't. Young money, cash moneybag.

“Man
shit
Jerz, you look like shit warmed over. You gotta cut back, dude, cause I can't be bailin you outta no psych ward, I ain't got the
time
. And my shit's just gonna get busier . . . just take a shower, OK? you fuckin
smell
, can you please just take a frickin shower? Pretty please? Jesus pull up your fucking pants, that bumster shit aint gunna play up on Olympus, playground of the gods . . . here, let me help, that's a good boy, & no I will
not
suck your dick while I'm down there, you couldnt get it up anyway . . . see? See that? I sucked & it aint gettin close. You probably can't even feel it. That's one mushroom cryin in the rain, aint growin like the rest of em. That's one dead fuckin shroom. Straighten up, Jerzy! Straighten up your room, boy, straighten up your shroom! Straighten the fuck
up
. That's some short woody you got there, Woody. You aint gonna be peckin too much with
that
woodpecker, Woody.

“All right, come on, let's go sunshine, I'm puttin your skeevy unshowered ass to bed
right now
,
shit
man, you know maybe you need a girlfriend, a steady fuck might tighten you up, cause you're married to that pipe, you're becoming a sadsack eunuch mutherfucker, & I aint shittin you Jerzy, the Tom-Tom train is
on its way
, friendy-friend, bout to pull out the
station
. Today, I secured the mothership! We bout to take
legal possession
, & as you
know
sweet cheeks
possession
is 9/10s of the law . . .
choo
choo choo choo
choo
choo choo choo—that's right, baby boy, one foot after the other, you doin
real well
, we're putting you to beddy-bye cause the Tom-Tom train is leaving the station & you
best
not be running down the track all tryin to hop on . . .

“All aboard! Last stop: Mt. Olympus! We all gonna be Mounties, we be Mounties listenin to that Sermon on the Mount! & if you
expect
to have a place
onboard
, my friendy-friend-friend, you have
got
to get yourself
togethuh
. Cause
we are
dust, we are golden. & we got to get ourselves back to the——
ouch! Now
come on
tweety-pie, stop draggin your mutherfuckin feet, man you
are
a sorry-ass crackhead mutherfucker. What the fuck happened to you? You know we oughta see if your sister wants to fuck you, pregnant girls are always way horny, you see em rubbin up against posts like a cat when nobody's lookin . . . maybe ReeRee could use a little on the side! Maybe ReeRee needs your peepee HAHAHAHAHAHA! O don't look all like that, you
know
you'd
love
it. Hell,
I'd
love it. I might just lend a helping hand.
Like a good neighbor, Tom-Tom is there . . .
Cause I know how to cervix a pregnant gal, Sue Sylvester-style. Tell you what, when sissy & me are a happy couple, all cozy, I'll invite you over once in a while, you can help me give her head. Good help is tough to find these days. She'll already have had the kid, & by then another'll be on the way, but this time it'll be a celeb's baby, none of this teen mom boyfriend shit. We want a kid with an
annuity.
Get us like an Ashton love child. Make him pay through the nose . . . but I am telling you, once sissy's mine? There is
no way
I would let you tap that
solo
, no
fuckin
way
.

“You know what you've got to learn, Jerzy? What
you
need to learn is how to move the fuck
on
. Stop your
cryin
. Man that shit is unbecoming.
I
know what time it is. You're still crying in your bong about Jigger Blue.
The night is bitter, & Jerzy lost his nigger . . .
oops I mean jigger . . .
and all because of the Jew-schvartzuh who got away!
Sunshine, you have got to
move on
—just like
Jennifer
&
Renée
&
Demi
&
Ashlee
&
Scarlett
&
Sandra
. Those girls know how to
get laid
, then
move
the fuck
on
. They make a movie with a guy, they're armored up cause they've been hurt too often, but he's gorgeous, never mind he's been married 4 times & cheated on his last wife while she was having chemo—you know, they're thinking maybe
this
is the one, they lower their guard, get all
vulnerable
&
involved—
the publicists already have the brakes on, cause the publicists know what's coming, they see the breakup even before the hookup, the pubs are smart, except for the one who got her ass shot on Sunset, & they start saying shit like
they're just friends
yoddy yoddy
they value each other like good friends
, all that yoddy yoddy horseshit, but suddenly the
is head over heels, usually the guy she's tripping on is a
of way lesser magnitude, the pubs are freaking because they know the whore's track record, but it's too late, PDA pics are flooding the internet
proving
the authenticity of their love, & why not, who would begrudge, doesn't the dirty whore deserve to have a boyfriend who's maybe going to lead her to marriage & babies? Hasn't she been unlucky in love
enough
? Hasn't she dodged every STD known to science in her career as a
who 
fucks lesser
s? Hasn't she succeeded in hiding the 2 miscarriages & the 2 ectopics? Hasn't she put that pussy through bootcamp, & isn't she old enough to be dead in the ovaries? Oh & she
tries
to go forward with a degree of caution because she's been burned before but this time
fuck
it sure does feel like it's going to
last
, the Bad Boy sucks & fucks every hole, ooh he's good at it too, even fucks the holes in her
, every hole the bitch has, & you
know
there must be holes only celebs have, I am
telling
you, Holmes,
s
are
different than you and me! And then
o shit
someone leaks that the relationship is
slipping away
, the pubs of course knew it was coming, they rush in and say no no no! That's bullshit, they've never been happier—as a couple—& here are pictures from their holiday in Hawaii to prove it! Then:
BLAM BLAM BLAM
they've got sperm & egg on their faces
both parties
are
moving on!
O they still think the world of each other, they're going to continue their relationship
as friends
, but they've decided to
move on
because—get this, Jerzy! I read it on the US Weekly website—shit I can't remember what couple it was about but it said, it said, they decided to move on
because ‘at the end of the day, they weren't on the same page'—
At the end of the day they weren't on the same page!!!! I swear Jerzy that's what it said!