Daystar (36 page)

Belial sat.

He held her hand.
 
“You need to face what occurred without demonizing your past self.”
 
He steadied his hands.
 
“You did not deserve what happened.
 
You were not hurt because you were innocent.”

“Yes, I was.”

“Shh.”
 
Helion interlaced their fingers.
 
“You were hurt because Uriel was a sick, broken thing.
 
What he did has nothing to do with your qualities.
 
He was twisted, his design flawed.”

“I could have fought harder!”

“What would you have done?
 
How would you have fought harder?
 
You loved him, like you loved the rest of us, you did not know.
 
How can you fight what you do not understand?
 
You could not, because you could not even conceive of what he would do.
 
None of us could.
 
No one was more horrified or taken by surprise than Berith, and they were from the same mold.”

Belial began to cry.
 
“I thought he would help me!”
 
She wiped at her tears.
 
“He said you asked him to come and help me!”

Helion trembled.
 
“I did.
 
I showed Uriel where you were.
 
I thought he could,
would
help you.
 
I led him to you and for that I am forever, utterly at fault.”
 
He leeched out her pain.
 
“I can never undo what he did, but you should not be the one to suffer for
my
mistakes.”

“I should have known!”

“Why?
 
You trusted me, but
I
was the fool.
 
I delivered the lamb to the lion.”
 
Helion bit his lip.
 
“That should have been my punishment, not yours, Belial.”

She looked up.
 
“Heli.”

“I tried to go back when I realized, but he had moved you.”
 
Helion’s face was haunted.
 
“I went to Lucifer so that he could retrieve you.”
 
He gulped.
 
“When I saw what Uriel had done I fled when I should have stood with you, comforted you, you needed me then, and I ran.”

Belial shook her head.
 
“No, Helion.
 
By the time Lucifer came he had already killed me and remade me out of him, a golem for his amusement.
 
He said he loved me.”
 
Belial wiped her tears.
 
“I thought that was all love was for some time.”

He squeezed her fingers.
 
“But you know differently now?”

Belial trembled.
 
“Andrealphus, I—we always were in love.”
 
She smiled through her tears.
 
“He was so cautious, afraid of making a mistake.
 
He would have been gentle.”

“He
needs
you, Belial.”

She looked away.
 
“For the hurt my death brings him I am forever sorry, but I remain here, inside you.”

Helion shook his head.
 
“There is no me anymore, Belial.
 
We both exist in this place.”

“
What?
”

“This is not inside anyone’s head, Belial.
 
We are both here, wherever this is.”

“How could you leave Whitney?”
 
Belial got to her knees.
 
“Go back this instant!”

Helion tapped his eye.
 
“One way ticket I am afraid.”

“Helion!
 
What have you done?”

He tapped his chin.
 
“I believe it is called an end-run.”

“Explain yourself!”

Helion linked their hands.
 
“I made the possibility of my return contingent on your return.
 
I offer you a second chance.”

She frowned.
 
“What do you mean by that?”

“You died at Uriel’s hand; he killed you almost as soon as he had you.”

“Yes.”

“What he did, he did to your second self.”

“Yes.”

“Then I offer you a restart.”

She frowned.
 
“I don’t understand.”

“You wake up as if you had never died the first time, as if you never went on.
 
You skip over it and reclaim yourself.”

Belial blinked back tears.
 
“Back to the way I was?”

“Yes, the memories of that event gone.”

“How can they be split from me?”

“I will keep them, they will be mine.”

She shook her head.
 
“I cannot do that to you.”

He rubbed her hands.
 
“We are connected now, I have seen them, experienced them already as if what he had done to you was done to me.
 
I already have them.
 
I can cope.”

“But they are me, I am them.”
 
Belial pulled her hands back.
 
“Without it, I will not be Belial.”

“No, that is not the truth.
 
You are not that event; it is not what defines Belial.”
 
Helion reached for her again.
 
“Do you like the Belial you became?
 
Let your heart speak, not the cancer that had been, but the heart that is in you now and answer me honestly.
 
Does the sweet girl look upon the woman and approve?”

She closed her eyes, her answer immediate and ragged.
 
“No.”

“The drive for death?

Belial shuddered.
 
“His.”

“The violence?”
 
He searched her gaze.

“His.”

“The ecstasy from killing and maiming?”

Belial gagged.
 
“His.
 
All of it was his.”

“Then what, out of all that you are now, is truly and only yours?”

Belial sobbed.
 
“Love for you, for Dahlia.
 
The rest, you are my family.”
 
She looked at her hands.
 
“I love colors, and flowers, and I love jumping with Andy.
 
I love Andy.”

“You had this before Uriel hurt you?”

“Yes!”
 
She nodded.

“That is Belial, the girl that loved to play, loved beauty and loved life.
 
That is Belial.”

“Yes!”

“Belial, I want to give you back what he stole.
 
You say those feelings, those memories you have are part of you, but are they?
 
Or are they just pieces of him that remain in you?
 
Do you keep him alive by holding on to the desires and feelings he buried in you?”
 
Helion showed her an image of her pyre.
 
“Andy and I killed his body, but through you his legacy lives on, his desire to hurt and kill lives on.
 
He tortures you from beyond.”

Helion took her hand and pulled her to her feet.
 
“Reclaim yourself and become the Belial that you should have been.”

Tears rolled down her cheeks.
 
“Heli, I am afraid.”

He hugged her.
 
“There is nothing to be afraid of, you are strong.
 
You have family, you have friends, and you have Andy waiting for you.”

“But if I forget, I will be defenseless again.”

Helion kissed her forehead.
 
“We will let no one hurt you ever again.”

Belial leaned against him.
 
“Where did you get this strength from?”

Helion smiled.
 
“Whitney gives me far more than she credits herself for and you, you give me the reason to be strong.”
 
He kissed her cheek.
 
“It is my turn to be the strong one.
 
Let
me
support
you
.”

Belial squeezed her eyes shut.
 
“Will I ever know what happened?”

Helion wrapped her in a wing.
 
“When you have had time to develop on your own I will reconnect with you again and share if you wish, but not until you have had the chance, as I have, to grow up.
 
No child should have to know of those things.
 
No person should be defined by evil.”

Belial nodded.
 
“You promise that you will share them if I ask?”

“I solemnly swear.”

She sniffled.
 
“What will I know when I wake?”

“You will know that you were sick for some time, but that you are healed now.”

“What of Andy?”

“He loves you, Belial.
 
You do not need to worry about Andy.”
 
Helion smiled.
 
“Go be yourself again.”

Belial blew air out of her cheeks and nodded.
 
“What do I have to do?”

The image of the pyre twisted until it was Uriel at their feet.
 
Helion handed Belial a knife.
 

Belial felt the blade in her hand.
 
She looked at Helion.
 
“I’m going to miss you, Heli.”

Helion shook his head.
 
“No, Belial, you’re not going to miss a thing this time.
 
Now, kill the motherfucker.”

Belial turned to Uriel and drove the blade into his heart.

***

“Bee aye tee.
 
Bat.”
 
Jegudiel looked at the chalkboard on the wall.
 
“Bat!
 
Right?”
 
He sat at a small school desk in Paimon and Furcas’ living room.
 
Dawn light made the room appear pink.

“Right-o.
 
Bat.”
 
Paimon nodded as he came in from the kitchen.
 
“Bean?”

Bean sat next to Jegudiel at a similar desk.
 
She wrinkled her nose and concentrated.
 
“See aye tee.
 
Cat!”

Furcas beamed from his spot on the living room couch.
 
“She’s so
smart
.”

Paimon rolled his eyes and set out a plate of fresh baked cookies.
 
He slipped off his apron.
 
“Yeah, she’s
my
daughter.”

Jegudiel looked at the next word, sounding it out.
 
“Dog!”

Bean watched Jegudiel and smiled.
 
She’d aged since the pyre to a three-year-old.
 
She giggled, stood in her chair, and bit Jegudiel on the shoulder.
 
She tore through his t-shirt with her pointed teeth.
 
Jegudiel hummed loudly, swearing in his head.
 
He patted her on the head gently as tears seeped out of the corners of his eyes.
 
Bean dug her painted fingernails into his skin and scratched trying to illicit a reaction.

Furcas frowned.
 
“She really needs to stop doing that.
 
Bean, let go.”
 
He walked over and picked her up.
 
She clamped down harder on Jegudiel.
 
Blood dripped down her chin onto her lacy dress.

Jegudiel stared at the chalkboard as his hands twitched.
 
“Aye, bee, see, dee—”

Furcas tapped Bean on the nose.
 
“I said let go.
 
You are being naughty.”

Paimon jumped on her desk and made a face at her.
 
Bean laughed and grabbed for his nose, releasing Jegudiel.
 
Jegudiel sagged and clutched at the wound, covering it as it healed.

Furcas wiped her mouth off with a towel.
 
“Why is she so bloodthirsty?”

Paimon shrugged.
 
“Dunno, biting and scratching are your things, dear.”
 
He stuffed a cookie into Bean’s mouth.

Jegudiel held his arm.
 
“May I maybe not sit within biting distance of her?
 
Or maybe I can just leave?”

“No.”
 
Paimon erased the letters on the chalkboard.
 
“You are still my ward and I say you stay.
 
You need to learn how to read.”

Jegudiel frowned.
 
“Why?”

“So you can write out all the stupid poetry in your head.”
 
Paimon smiled and wrote down their next lesson.

Jegudiel eyed Bean.
 
“But do I have to sit right next to her?”

“She likes you.”
 
Paimon grinned.
 
“Just buck up.
 
I know you want to write out the poetry we heard you singing to yourself in the shower earlier.”