Days Like This (15 page)

CASSIE SMILED A lot when June
was around. It was almost as if she brought out this part of Cass that was
hidden. I couldn’t stop staring at her. That smile was too perfect. God, I was
an idiot. I should’ve left too, run away. Fast and far, like she had. I thought
I could do this, but being around her made it harder.

I wasn’t as
strong as I thought. I already felt myself slipping into her grasp. Into that
same web that I lived in for ten years where Cassie was everything. Where I was
content as long as I was with her. I told myself I could get out at any time,
but part of me knew better than believing it.

“How long will
you be staying with us, June?” Mrs. H asked.

June smiled
and grabbed a slice of pizza. “As long as I’m welcome. I hadn’t really planned
this trip. I’m more of a play-it-by-ear kind of girl.”

“Me too,” Mrs.
H said in reply. “You’re welcome here as long as you want to stay. Any friend
of Cassie’s.”

Cassie shifted
awkwardly and I wondered what she was thinking. And then I wondered if I would
ever be able to stop wondering that.

“How long have
you known Cassie?” June asked me before she took a bite of her pizza.

I met Cassie’s
gaze across the living room. I hadn’t realized she’d been looking at me, but
now that our eyes were locked on each other, I could almost feel that she was.
She was still smiling, and the memory of the first time I saw her replayed in
my head. It’s crazy how something that happened forever ago felt just like
yesterday. “She stormed into my life when I was nine.”

“I think you
stormed into mine. I lived here first.”

“I was never
the storm,” I said. Cassie’s smile fell, but her eyes didn’t leave mine.
Staring at her like that made my head feel like it was floating, and like she
was the only thing I could see clearly. And she was mesmerizing. The curves of
her face were my anchor, and the light freckles on her nose were my sun, and
her lips were the key to every secret in the universe. I wanted everything. To
know it all again like I had before she left, but to explore it all with the
Cassie that sat across from me.

Cassie looked
away from me. Her eyes darted toward the ground, and I shook away the feeling. I
refocused. I couldn’t stare at her like that. Couldn’t think about her that
way. What was I doing here? This was stupid. I was stupid.

“Childhood
sweethearts?” June asked. Cassie sent her dagger eyes, but June didn’t seem
like the type to be swayed by Cassie’s looks. That was a rare thing.

Childhood
everything.

“Something
like that,” I said. I had to change this conversation. Talking about what we
were before wasn’t going to help anything. “How did you meet Cassie?”

June leaned
back on the couch. “Ah, she was hiding in the corner at early admission
orientation. I was drawn to her.”

“She does
that,” I said.

Both of those
things, hiding and drawing people toward her. I looked at her, and Cassie was already
staring at me again. With her eyes on me, I had the sudden urge to kiss her. To
move across the room and pull her up and surprise her with a kiss that held
everything I felt. To hell with who was watching us. Would that kiss be the
same as it used to be? Would it, like us, still fit so perfectly as it did a
year ago? Would it be more? Tornadoes and hurricanes that had been held at bay
for a year? Or had that changed as much as we both had?

My eyes
drifted to her lips, and I saw her breath hitch too. I wanted it. Her. I wanted
Cass. I wanted her so much that it was hard to think, hard to breathe, like all
the air had been sucked out of the room.

I had to get
out of there. I stood up quickly, knocking a glass of water to the floor. Mrs.
H yelled that she had it, and disappeared into the kitchen. I couldn’t be
thinking about kissing Cassie. I had to run.

“Sorry—I
remembered I have a thing. I should go,” I said.

 I slammed the
door on my way out.

JUNE AND I pulled up outside
of Dr. Lambert’s office. It was a bright morning. Perfect for playing tourist
of our little town for a couple hours.

“Where are you
going?” Mom asked as she got out of the car.

“I’m giving
her the whole Lumberton experience.”

“Start with
ice cream,” she said, closing the door. Even though she couldn’t see me, I
nodded.

 “Bye, Mrs.
H!” June yelled as Mom crossed the street. June already liked Mom. She spent
all day yesterday telling stories from her time in the music business. When Mom
told June she once met June Carter Cash, I knew she was hooked forever. My
mother could do that to people.

I tapped the
steering wheel. “So, what caused your impromptu visit? Aside from my crappiness
as a friend.”

“I need a
reason?” June asked, gathering her hair up into a ponytail.

I shook my
head. “No, but I think there is one. It’s been three days and you haven’t
mentioned Jason at all.”

She groaned.
“Jason and I broke up. He’s in Florida; I’m wherever. It was too complicated.
He was too clingy. I don’t screw clingy boys.”

“June, you are
a treasure. I don’t know how anyone let you go.”

“I don’t
either!” she yelled with a smile. “Where are we going?”

“Only the best
ice cream parlor in North Carolina.”

“At 10 in the
morning?”

“Are you objecting?”
I asked.

“To ice cream?
Never. I was clarifying.”

Having June
here was nice. We hadn’t talked about any of the other stuff, the real stuff,
but with her, it was easy. It was fun. She made me feel like it was possible to
be more than where you came from. I knew her story. I knew about her alcoholic
mother and her drug-dealing father. I knew about her life in Los Angeles and her
time in and out of foster care, and I knew that she had overcome that. June was
her own person; she was strong, and being around her made me feel like I could
be the same. She was probably the best thing that happened to me at Butler,
even though having her at my house was a little weird.

June reached
out and changed the radio station. Some poppy country song thing played in my
speakers. I groaned.

“I don’t
listen to that stuff,” I said, reaching out to turn it off.

“Harlen,
chill. Don’t be a music snob.”

“But I
am
a music snob.”

“Branch out a
little. Take a breath. I promise, it won’t kill you to listen to something from
this decade. Or the last one. I seriously don’t know how you grew up without
boy bands and pop princesses,” she said.

I shuddered.
“You don’t know that it couldn’t kill me. Bad music could very well kill me.”

She chuckled.
“Don’t be a diva.”

“I’m not a
diva.”

“You
totally
are a diva.”

I rolled my
eyes. “Driver picks the music.”

“Not this
time, Harlen. Not this time.” She stuck her tongue out at me. We were almost
there anyway, so it didn’t matter. I could block out this crap for a few
minutes.

The
poppy-country song ended and the radio station transitioned into something
darker. A smooth melody with a sharp edge started, and I perked up. There was
something about this that sounded raw already.

“Oh my God,
this song,” June started, reaching for the radio. “I’ll turn it off.”

I swatted her
hand away. “Why would you turn it off? It might not suck like everything else.”

“You don’t
know this song?” June asked, her voice getting higher.

“Know it? Why
would I know it?”

She released
this laugh-squeal thing. “Wait—you don’t know? You really don’t know? Is North
Carolina a black hole?”

She was acting
so strange. Even for June. I looked at her; her jaw dropped and her eyes were
wide. “Know what?”

The opening
lyrics started and my skin tingled. I knew that voice. That rough, deep,
scratchy voice. As soon as the line started, this pit formed in my stomach. I
listened closer, because there was no way.

I woke up
and you were gone // I should’ve known it all along // From that far-off look
in your eyes // And the smile that never stretched to the sides // Your mouth
was mine, but your heart was stone // And I tried to reach it, to break it down
// No matter what I did you couldn’t be found

I glanced over
at June, and the way her brow furrowed told me it was true. That was Rohan.

But now
you’re gone, gone, gone // Every memory I had is wrong, wrong, wrong // You
left without a word // You’re gone, gone, gone // You didn’t have the nerve to
say // Goodbye / But I should’ve known from the look in your eye // You’re
gone, gone, gone.

I closed my
eyes. This wasn’t happening. This could be about anyone.

The only
thing I have left of you // Is a memory of your head on my chest // And the goodbye
you wrote on the back of my chemistry test

Or it’s
totally me. June
flipped off
the radio before the song ended, and my hands were frozen on the steering wheel
in the parking lot of the ice cream shop, and my brain was reeling. Rohan was
on the radio. He wrote a song about me. I broke his heart.

June cleared
her throat. “Surprise?” What was that? I didn’t even know what had just
happened. “It came out last week.”

“How?” Rohan
was on the radio.

“I told you
they had a label interested, and when they played this song the label had to
have them.”

“It doesn’t
happen that fast!”

“Apparently it
can,” she said. “They’re going on tour for the whole summer.”

“Wow,” I said.
Rohan did it. He was on his way to getting his dreams.

“Yeah,” she
said. “Intense. Was that how it happened? On the back of his chemistry test?”

I nodded. June
didn’t say anything about it, but she didn’t need to. I knew I was horrible. I
knew it was.

“Let’s get
that ice cream,” June said, jumping out of the car. I followed her out even
though the last thing I wanted was ice cream.

WE TURNED LEFT on the
sidewalk a few feet from the ice cream parlor, but my mind was still on Rohan’s
song. I had no idea he felt anything serious for me. How much of those lyrics
were really his feelings? We’d only been together six months, and only
seriously for three of them. The first three were that exploration of the new
and exciting. It was never serious, at least I never thought. Then, I went to
see his band play and he introduced me as his girlfriend. Then, we were that.
Girlfriend, boyfriend—at least something to that extent. There was never a
discussion. There were never any “L” words exchanged or conversations about
feelings or expectations. I didn’t know leaving would break his heart, too.

“It’s okay,”
June said, staring at me as we walked. I glanced over to meet her gaze. “It’s
going to be okay, Cassie.”

“I know,” I
said, but I didn’t. My mind flickered back to Dr. Lambert’s office last week.
Was I so scared of being abandoned that I left everyone else? That I didn’t let
anyone in? Even June didn’t know what I didn’t want her to see.

June elbowed
me, and when I glanced up we were face-to-face with Graham.

I inhaled
sharply. Perfect. This was perfect. My heart was already falling to pieces, so
now, the universe was going to crush them.

“Hey,” Graham
said. He looked between the two of us, and I stopped moving. His whole presence
set me on edge, and his eyes focused in on me. I didn’t want him to look,
because I knew he would see that I was upset.

“Hey,” I said
back. Wordlessly, he used his free hand to fix that piece of hair in my face,
and his finger lingered on my cheek. I felt myself on the brink of losing it
when he pulled his hand away.

“We were
getting ice cream,” June said suddenly. She pointed to the store and bumped me
on the shoulder. She gave me a weird look. “Cassie said this was the best place
in the state.”

“It is; you’ll
love it.” Graham said without looking away from me. His expression went from
happy to concerned. “You okay?” he asked.

I nodded, even
though I was far from it. I didn’t want him to ask me anything, because if he
didn’t ask then I didn’t have to lie or worse, tell him the truth. But then I
wanted him to ask. I wanted to tell him and let him hold me and forgive me and
tell me it was going to be all right. I needed him, and I wanted him, and I
wished I didn’t feel either.

We stared at
each other and he knew I was lying. I could see it in the way his eyes narrowed
in on me, and the way he nodded slowly. I couldn’t tell him about this; it
would not end in a good way for us.

“How’s your
visit been?” Graham asked June, finally looking away from me.

“Great. Cassie
always knows how to provide the best entertainment.”

I raised my
eyebrows at June, but she flashed a big smile. I tried not to look back at
Graham. Not to be unnerved by him because I was close to losing it. I couldn’t
lose it in front of Graham.

“You want to
join us for ice cream?” June asked, her eyes wide as she looked between us.

Graham shifted
on his feet, and I looked at him again.
Say yes.
The air between us felt
frozen, waiting for something to happen. He was a magnet and my eyes were stuck
there on his face. On the sharp cut of his jaw, and the piercing grey of his eyes,
and the concern edging on his cheeks. I knew if he stayed he’d get the truth
out of me, and part of me felt like that was a good thing. I could tell him and
he would get it. Or he’d hate me.

My mind swayed
between that song and Rohan and Graham and how stupid I was all the time.
Especially about him. I left him to keep my mom’s mistakes from repeating in my
life. But it wasn’t my mom’s history I should’ve been worried about
repeating—it was my own. I was doing a fantastic job at fucking things up.

I reached out
and placed my hand on Graham’s arm. “I’m—” I started. I’m what? What am I?

Graham waited,
June waited, I waited for my brain to function. There was nothing.

“I should go,”
he said, pointing to the bag in his hand. “Groceries. But get the peach ice
cream. It’s homemade and it’s probably the best.”

June smiled.
“Noted.”

Graham cleared
his throat. “See you later, Cass.”

“See ya,” I
said. He lingered there for a second, eyes on me, as if he was asking me to
finish my sentence, and then he left. Wordlessly, June led us inside.