Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States (5 page)

But the Revolutionary War was not over yet. No, the historic Treaty of Ending the Revolutionary War was not to be signed for five more long years, years of pain, years of sacrifice, and—above all—years that will not be included in this book, because at the rate we’re going through history here, we’re never even going to get to the Civil War.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

1. Have you ever flushed anything inappropriate down a toilet? Explain. 2. How come, in the famous oil painting by Emanuel Leutze, it looks like

George Washington has a group the size of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in

his rowboat? 3. Whatever happened to the Hessians, anyway? You never see them around.

Against all odds, the colonists had won the war against England; now they faced an even greater task: planning the victory party. Who should be invited? Where would they put their coats? These were just two of the questions confronting the leaders of the fledgling nation. Also, extreme factions in several states felt that there should be some kind of government.

And so the leading statespersons from all thirteen states gathered in Philadelphia for a Constitutional Convention. There, over the bitter objections of conservatives, they voted to approve the historic Fashion Statement of 1787, under which delegates were required to wear knee pants, tight stockings, and wigs accessorized with ribbons. It was a radical pronouncement, and the delegates paid a high price for it—nearly half had to purchase completely new wardrobes. The convention had established that the old way of doing things was not going to be acceptable, which meant that they also had to come up with a bold new designer look for the government.

But there was much disagreement among the delegates about exactly what this look should be. Some wanted a weak president and a strong legislature. Some wanted a smart president and a dumb legislature. Some wanted a very short president and a deaf legislature. The New York delegation, typically, wanted a loud president and a rude legislature. Day after day the delegates argued, but they seemed to be getting no closer to agreement, and the new nation was in danger of collapsing before it ever really had a chance to get started. But just when the convention appeared to be at a total impasse, the aging statesman Benjamin Franklin rose to his feet and, as the other delegates listened raptly, emitted a three-foot streamer of drool. The others alertly took this to be a sign from the wily veteran Communicator that it was time to ratify the U.S. Constitution, and so they did.

THE U.S. CONSTITUTION

The Constitution divides the federal government into three equal branches:

1. Mammoth, labyrinthian departments set up for purposes that no individual

taxpayer would ever in a million years voluntarily spend money on. 2. Mammoth, labyrinthian departments set up for purposes that probably made a

lot of sense originally, but nobody can remember what they are. 3. Statuary.

This separation of powers creates a system of checks and balances, which protects everybody by ensuring that any action taken by one part of the government will be rendered utterly meaningless by an equal and opposite reaction from some other part.

The highest-ranking officer in the government is the president, who is elected to a four-year term after a three-year, nine-month campaign in which he is required to state that he has a Vision and plans to provide Leadership. The president’s primary duties are to get on helicopters; bitch about Congress; and send the vice president abroad to frown with sorrow at the remains of deceased foreign leaders.

The Constitution also provides for the election of a Senate, which consists of two white men in gray suits from each state; and a House of Representatives, which consists of three or four hundred men named “Bob” or “Dick” with blond wives whose hobbies are gardening, furniture, and the mentally retarded. The primary duties of the members of both houses of Congress are:

1. Running for reelection. 2. Having staffs. 3. Getting subsidized haircuts. 4. Sending out newsletters featuring photographs of themselves standing next

to the president, designed to create the impression that the president is

relying upon them for advice and counsel, when he is in fact trying to

remember who the hell they are.

How a Bill Becomes a Law

First the bill secretes a substance that it uses to form a cocoon, and then it … No, sorry. That’S how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. The way a bill becomes a law is:

1. A member of Congress notices that there is some problem afflicting the

nation. For example, he might notice that the nation is not observing a

sufficient quantity of idiot official days and weeks, such as National

Tractor Mechanic Awareness Week, and so he introduces a bill to correct

this problem. 2. The bill is referred to a committee, which forms a subcommittee for the

purpose of going to Geneva, Switzerland, to see if there are any facts

there that might be useful. 3. The bill is reported back to the committee, which holds hearings and

receives testimony from interested parties such as the American Aspirin

Bottle Manufacturers Association. 4. Needed amendments are attached to the bill, for example an amendment

designed to protect the American consumer from the potential dangers of

aspirin bottles manufactured by unfair foreign competitors. 5. The bill is reported out of the committee. 6. Everybody goes on vacation for a couple of weeks. 7. The bill is reported back to the committee. 8. The bill is reported to the police. 9. The Supreme Court declares the bill to be unconstitutional. 10. The Cheese stands alone.

The Bill of Rights

The first ten amendments to the Constitution are known as “The Bill of Rights,” because that is what everybody calls them. These amendments spell out the basic rights that all of us enjoy as Americans:

The First Amendment states that members of religious groups, no matter how

small or unpopular, shall have the right to hassle you in airports. The Second Amendment states that, since a well-regulated militia is necessary

to the security of a free state, you can buy high-powered guns via mail

order and go out into the woods with your friends and absolutely vaporize

some deer. The Third Amendment states that you don’t have to quarter troops inside your

house. “You troops are just going to have to sleep on the patio” is a

perfectly constitutional thing for You to tell them. The Fourth Amendment states that if your aunt had testicles, she would be your

uncle. The Fifth Amendment states that your Fifth Amendment rights cannot be violated

until you are advised of them. The Sixth Amendment states that if you ar accused of a crime, you have the

right to a trial before a jury of people too stupid to get out of jury

duty. The Seventh Amendment states that if you are in the Express Lane, and you have

more than one item of produce of the same biological type, such as two

grapefruit, you have the right to count these as one item in order to

keep yourself under the ten-item limit. The Eighth Amendment states that if You are seated directly in front of a

person who has to comment on every Single scene in the movie—and we are

talking here about Perceptive Comments, such as when a movie character is

getting into his car and the person behind you says, “He’s getting into

his car now!”—then you have the right to go “SSSHHHHH?” two times in a

warning manner, after which you have the right to kill this person with a

stick. The Ninth Amendment states that you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife. The Tenth Amendment states that, OK, if your neighbor’s wife is dropping a lot

of hints, really coming on to you, that is a different matter.

Ratification of the Constitution

it took a long time for the states to ratify the Constitution, because in those days communication was difficult. After a state legislature had voted for ratification, a messenger would be dispatched on horseback to carry the word to the new nation’s capital. Often he would ride for days over poor roads through sparsely populated wilderness areas until he realized that the new nation had no capital. “Ha-ha!” he would remark to his horse. “That darned legislature has tricked me again!” Then he would be attacked by bears. Clearly a capital was needed. The logical choice seemed to be Washington, D.C., a city blessed with a natural beltway teeming with consultants.

Also we should keep in mind that women and minority groups were continuing to make some gigantic contributions.

THE ELECTION OF THE FIRST PRESIDENT

The leading contender in the first presidential election race was George Washington, who waged a campaign based on heavy exposure in media such as coins, stamps, and famous oil paintings. This shrewd strategy carried him to a landslide victory in which he carried every state except Massachusetts, which voted for George McGovern.

And thus it was that on October 8, the newly sworn-in president stood before a large cheering throng of his fellow countrymen and delivered his famous inaugural address, in which he offered the famous stirring words “We cannot [something] the [machines? birds?] of [something] will never [something]. As far as I know.” Unfortunately, there were no microphones back then. This was only one of the problems facing the fledgling nation, as we shall see.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

1. How come history books never have sex scenes? You know, like: “James

Madison, unable to restrain his passion any longer, thrust his

ink-engorged pen into the second draft of the Federalist papers. 2. Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, With a top speed of

120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

How long, traveling at top speed, will it take the cow to travel 360

feet?

Once the federal government was organized, the biggest problem was how to pay off the fledgling nation’s massive war debt. The Founding Fathers were starting to get disturbing letters like this:

Dear Mr. Father:

This is the fourth time we’ve written regarding your outstanding balance of $23,784,982.34. While we certainly value your fledgling business, we must inform you that unless you immediately make arrangements to repay this amount, we will regretfully have to return you to British rule.

Sincerely, The VISA Corporation “More Powerful than God”

Fortunately, one of the Founding Fathers was a shrewd financial thinker named Alexander Hamilton, who came up with an idea for repayment of the debt based on a concept so brilliant—and yet so simple—that it remains extremely popular with governments to this very day.

“Let’s print money with our pictures on it,” Hamilton suggested.

And so they did. The hardest part was deciding which Founding Father would get to be on which denomination of bill, an issue that led to the infamous duel between Hamilton and Aaron Burr, both of whom wanted to be on the fifty. Burr won the duel in overtime, although years later he died anyway, little realizing that his great-great-grandson Raymond Burr would go on to become one of the widest actors in American history.

THE ELECTION OF 1792

George Washington decided to run for reelection in 1792, because he felt that his work was not finished. In fact, it wasn’t even started, because, the roads being what they were, he had spent his entire first term en route from his Virginia home to the temporary U.S. capital in Philadelphia. His slogan was:

VOTE FOR GEORGE WASHINGTON

“He’s Almost As Far As Baltimore.”

Washington was reelected unanimously and reached Philadelphia several months later, only to learn that the capital was now operating out of Washington, D.C., which he managed to reach just in time to deliver his famous farewell address, containing the prophetic warning “We should get [something] has to [something] these darned [something] complex all over the place.”

THE RISE OF POLITICAL PARTIES

With Washington no longer on the scene, political parties began to form, the main ones being the Republicans, the Federalists, the Sharks, the Home Boys, the Del-Vikings, and the Church of Scientology. The major issue dividing these parties was whether the United States should enter into an alliance with France in its war with Britain. It was not an easy decision: On the one hand, France had provided invaluable support during the Revolutionary War, support without which the colonies might never have achieved their independence from the brutal tyranny of England; on the other hand, France contained a lot of French people. You tried to form an alliance with them, and all they did was smirk at your pronunciation. Ultimately a compromise was reached under which the United States signed a treaty with brutal, tyrannical old England, and sent the wily veteran diplomat Benjamin Franklin over to mollify France with a nice basket of apples, which he ate en route.

In 1796 John Adams was elected as the nation’s second president, thanks to the support of the Anal Compulsive Party, whose members believed that henceforth presidents should be elected in alphabetical order so that it would be easier to remember them all during history tests. It was during Adams’s administration that the famous “XYZ Affair” took place. What happened was, Adams sent a diplomatic mission over to France to protest the fact that the French were seizing American ships and redecorating them by force. When the Americans got to France, the French foreign minister told them to meet with three secret agents, known only as “X,” “Y,” and “z.”

“If you can guess their real names and occupations,” the French foreign minister said, “you’ll receive diplomatic recognition and the Brunswick pool table!