Daughters of Rebecca (28 page)

Hortense looked at her for a long moment, then nodded. ‘Of course, honey. You are looking a little pale, I must say.'

Llinos felt sure that Hortense understood the situation and was making things easy for her. ‘I will see you in the morning – you too, Binnie.'

She glanced at Joe but he rose and, avoiding her gaze, refilled the glasses with the ruby port, which shimmered like blood in the candlelight. Llinos felt cold. Was it a portent of the fate that would meet one of them? But she was being foolish. Joe placed the glasses on the table and the illusion vanished.

Llinos went upstairs to her room. Her head was a whirl of chaotic thoughts. Could she slip out unnoticed? Perhaps she had better wait until the house was quiet. She did not want to answer difficult questions.

She lay rigid for what seemed hours then heard footsteps outside the bedroom, the sound of muted voices. The door handle turned and Llinos sat up quickly as Joe came into the room, closing the door behind him.

‘We have to talk,' he said. He sat beside her and she bowed her head ashamed to look into his face.
He put his arm around her shoulder, kissed her cheek and then her mouth.

She pulled away from him. ‘No!'

‘You refuse me what is my right?' he asked quietly.

‘You forfeited the right when you took a mistress,' she said abruptly. She tried to slip off the bed but Joe drew her into his arms. ‘Don't go. Stay with me just for tonight. It's not much to ask, is it?'

She thought of Dafydd waiting for her, she thought of the joy she would find in his arms. Then she looked at Joe. Tears were glinting on his dark lashes. How could she leave him now without making a scene? After all, she would have the rest of her life to live with Dafydd.

‘I'll stay for tonight, Joe.' She undressed swiftly, remembering the time when Joe was sick, how she had climbed into bed with him knowing he needed the comfort of her arms. She had tried to force the incident from her mind, refusing to accept that she had betrayed Dafydd, but now the thought of Joe's lovemaking set her pulses beating. When she climbed into bed she kept as far away from him as she could.

At last, the warmth of the bed and the closeness of Joe's body eased the tension. On the edge of sleep she relaxed against the familiarity of her husband. She knew so well the scent of his skin, the silk touch of his hair against her cheek.

‘I love you so much, Llinos.' His whispered words brought her wide awake. ‘I never stopped loving you, you must know that.' His mouth covered hers, burning with need, and for a
moment she remained quiescent. Then he touched her breast, his fingers teasing her nipple.

‘No!' She pushed him away. ‘I can't do this!' She put her hands over her face as hot tears ran down her cheeks and between her fingers.

‘I can't, Joe. I can't sleep with the two of you. What would that make me?'

He pulled her close to him. ‘You want me as much as I want you,' he said. ‘I ache for you, Llinos. Please don't turn me away.'

Slowly, sensuously, he began to kiss every part of her body. She tried to resist him, she held herself away from him, but he would not leave her alone. He kissed her again and again, and at last her fingers tangled in his hair and she felt the old desire flood through her. Joe was so dear, so familiar. She knew every part of him. She traced the outline of his muscled arms with her fingertips, she breathed in the scent of him, of the open air, the fresh spring grass, and she wanted him.

As he lay above her she drew a ragged breath. She could not think rationally any longer for this man was her husband and she loved him. The truth was like a blow. But if she loved Joe then what was it she felt for Dafydd?

At the thought of her lover, she tensed, trying to ease herself away from Joe's arms. But it was too late, she had allowed him too close. She could not push him away now. In any case, she did not want to push him away.

She moaned as Joe entered her. He teased her with the old sweetness, bringing her to the brink then drawing away like the outgoing sea. She heard her own murmurs of pleasure and
abandoned herself to him. He was once again the young, eager Joe, full of love for her soul as well as her body. All that had happened between them seemed to vanish in the heat of their passion. At last the shuddering climax of passion flooded through her. She clung to her husband's strong shoulders, pressing him into her. At last, she fell away from him exhausted, sated.

She lay back against the pillows hearing Joe's breathing in the silence. Neither of them spoke. All at once, shame engulfed her. She had betrayed Dafydd and herself. She was no better than a woman of the streets or the animals of the field who mated indiscriminately. Softly, she began to cry.

‘
IT WAS WRONG
of me, Joe, and please don't read too much into last night.' Llinos watched as Joe closed the bedroom door behind them. The smell of breakfast hung on the air, the rich bacon, the devilled kidneys and the platter of eggs. The meal that had been provided for the visitors was over.

‘I'm sorry, Joe, it's all my fault and it was a mistake,' Llinos said quietly. She moved over to the window, and saw Binnie and Hortense in the garden, walking together, hand in hand. Her throat ached with unshed tears.

‘You are my wife,' Joe said softly. ‘How can you say it's a mistake to sleep with me?'

She held up her hand. ‘Just leave me alone until I sort out my feelings, Joe, please.' She had promised Dafydd she would go to him last night and she had broken her word. How could she live with herself? ‘I'd better go downstairs and talk to the cook about lunch.' She sighed. ‘Americans seem to enjoy hearty appetites. I suppose that comes from long days spent outdoors.'

She was talking to Joe as if he were a mere guest, someone to whom she had to be polite.
Llinos wanted nothing more than to run away, to go straight to Dafydd and explain why she had not come to him, but he would have left for Bristol by now and, in any case, what would she say?

She left Joe alone in the bedroom and went to the drawing room where Shanni was sitting in her usual seat, her shoes abandoned on the carpet, her feet tucked up under her skirts.

‘The Americans seem very nice people,' Shanni said. ‘They met Dafydd, then.' Her tone was heavy with innuendo. ‘I saw him ride away as I was coming back from my walk. Dafydd seems keen to be with you, doesn't he?'

‘I'll ask you to keep your nose out of my business, young lady,' Llinos said. ‘Remember that you are a guest in my house and behave accordingly.'

‘So he did call. How awkward.' Shanni returned to her book, her eyes downcast, but a smile turned up the corners of her full young lips. Llinos wanted to slap her.

The day seemed to pass in a haze of pain and doubt, and Llinos felt she needed time alone to gather her thoughts. The presence of Binnie and Hortense made everything more difficult, but she could hardly be rude to her guests. Otherwise she would have gone to the house she and Dafydd shared, and there she would have waited for his return from Bristol. She would have had time alone to think of a way of explaining to him what had happened.

It was a relief when, later in the day, the carriage rolled up outside bringing Lloyd home
from college. Llinos hoped his presence would add a touch of normality to what had become a nightmare.

‘Lloyd, my lovely boy, you're taller than ever!' Llinos hugged her son then held him at arm's length. He was as tall as Joe, with Joe's startlingly blue eyes but otherwise he favoured her family. ‘Come into the drawing room and meet our friends,' she said, pinching his cheek.

‘Mother, behave.' Lloyd was smiling good-naturedly. ‘I'm not a little boy now.'

Binnie greeted Lloyd warmly, and Hortense hugged him then kissed both his cheeks. ‘Seeing you sure makes me pine for my own boys.' She sounded just a little tearful.

‘Getting homesick already, honey?' Binnie teased, and Llinos envied the rapport between husband and wife. They had an inner peace, something she and Joe once enjoyed but which was now lost for ever.

That night, Llinos made up a bed for herself in her study. She had no intention of sharing a bed with Joe again. She needed to clear her head, to decide just what it was she wanted. And what did she want?

She could not deny that she had enjoyed Joe's love-making – he was her husband, he knew what thrilled her. But, she reminded herself, he had shared his passion with Sho Ka, had given the Indian the love he should have kept for his wife.

She lay for a long time staring through the window at the moon and the brightness of the stars against a velvet sky. Somewhere out there was the God she worshipped in her church.
Out there, too, was Joe's Great Spirit. Why did neither of them answer when she prayed for guidance?

The next day it was decided that Llinos would take Hortense on a shopping trip. She dressed with little enthusiasm, wondering dully if Dafydd was home yet. What would he have been thinking when he was away? That she had let him down, betrayed his trust.

In the coach, Llinos made an effort to talk pleasantly to Hortense. She knew the other woman was alert to the tensions in the house. She wanted to confide in Hortense: there was a wisdom about her that was encouraging yet Llinos hesitated. It was hardly right for a hostess to burden her guests with her problems.

It was Hortense who provided the opening she needed. ‘What's gone wrong, honey?' she said softly. ‘I know your Joe was not always faithful but he loves you very much. Anyone can see that.'

‘Is that enough, though?' Llinos said. ‘I am still bitter that he gave his love to another woman, that he even had a child by her. It's hard to get over a betrayal like that.'

‘It was a betrayal,' Hortense agreed. ‘But men think differently from us women. They don't look on intimacy with another woman as a betrayal. If you ask any man, he'll tell you the wife is important and the other woman . . . well, she's not.'

‘And would you stand for that with Binnie?' Llinos challenged.

Hortense shook her head. ‘I would not.' She laid her hand on Llinos's arm. ‘But I nearly broke
up my marriage because Binnie didn't tell me the truth about his past. In the end he was honest with me. So long as there is honesty a woman can cope with most trials and tribulations, don't you think?'

‘Maybe,' Llinos said. ‘But have you forgiven Binnie for not being honest with you in the beginning?'

‘I came to understand that he kept things from me out of fear. If he'd told me he had a wife at home I wouldn't have given him a second glance.' She smiled. ‘And now I would be alone, with no-one to love me.'

‘The trouble with me is I don't know what I want,' Llinos said. ‘I do know I can't give Dafydd up.' She glanced quickly at Hortense. ‘You knew he and I were lovers, didn't you?'

‘I knew the minute I saw you together,' Hortense said. ‘And I can't tell you what to do or feel. All I can say is that Joe loves you more than life itself.'

The coach drew to a halt outside the large emporium in the high street, and as she stepped out into the sunlit street Llinos felt a flutter of excitement. What if she met Dafydd by accident? Would he stop and talk, or would he walk right past her? It would be no more than she deserved.

Still, she was clear about one thing: she needed to see Dafydd soon. She wanted to be with him, to talk to him, to tell him she loved him.

‘This looks a fine store.' Hortense was staring up at the huge window display. ‘I've never seen the like of it before. Just look at the fine china. The place must be a wonderland inside.'

‘Let's go in and see.' Llinos forced a light note into her voice but there was a constriction in her throat: the china Hortense had admired was made at the Llanelli pottery. She followed Hortense, who walked eagerly to the double doors of the emporium. Then she saw it: a sign in bold lettering inviting customers to step inside and meet the pottery owner, Mr Dafydd Buchan.

So Dafydd was home from Bristol and he was here in Swansea. Her mind was racing. Why had he not sent her a note? She struggled for composure.

The store was dim after the brightness of the street, and Llinos narrowed her eyes, peering into the gloom. The porter touched his hat. ‘Which department, ladies?' he asked.

Hortense smiled. ‘All of them, of course! My goodness,' Hortense turned to Llinos, ‘West Troy is a backwater compared to Swansea. I'm surprised Binnie ever wanted to leave here.'

Llinos smiled absently but her eyes were searching the faces in the crowd for Dafydd's. Her heart was thumping. What would he say to her?

The china department was thronged with shoppers; some of its wares were being sold at knock-down prices, a good plan designed to promote the more expensive dinner-and tea-sets.

She saw him then, and Llinos was almost afraid to move. Dafydd was seated at a large table, explaining to a young girl how the painting on the dinner plates was executed by hand.

Llinos stood as though frozen, staring at him, wanting him so badly it was like a pain. How could she ever think of giving him up? He glanced
towards her, as though drawn by her thoughts, and stared straight into her eyes. It was as if they were suddenly alone. The sound of voices grew dim and Llinos could see no-one but Dafydd. He was rising, coming towards her, taking her hands. ‘Excuse us for just a moment.' He bowed politely to Hortense. Without waiting for a reply, he led Llinos into a small back room and put his arms around her, holding her tightly as if he would never let her go.

‘I love you, God help me!' His tone was pained. ‘When you didn't come that night I was devastated. As soon as I returned from Bristol I came to Swansea and to the house to see you.'

‘But I was there all the time. Did Joe stop you speaking to me?' Llinos said breathlessly.

He kissed her cheeks, her eyelids, her mouth. ‘No, not Joe. I tried to stay away, to be honourable, but I can't live without you, whatever your son says.'