Darkwood (8 page)

We removed our outer clothing and Caroline arranged my gown while Harriet dressed Isabel in hers. When we were ready I turned to look at Isabel in her cornflower blue silk. She looked totally enchanting. A smile added to that enchantment and Pru had arranged her hair in a chignon and decorated it with silk flowers to match her gown. Pru then went to fetch the other ladies.

‘You must try your headdress and veil,’ Mother said. ‘We need to see the total effect, don’t we, Rachel?’ Aunt Rachel agreed and between them placed my headdress on and arranged the beautiful veil.

Now both of you, stand in front of the mirror,’ ordered Mother. Isabel and I did as we were bid. The picture which stared back at us seemed almost unreal. A bride who didn’t seem like me at all and a beautiful bridesmaid in a blue which complemented the wedding gown perfectly.

‘Oh, Miss Silvia, I can hardly believe it is me,’ Isabel declared. As for myself I was pleased the veil covered my face for tears sprung to my eyes as I thought of Gareth and how much I loved him, a love which I knew he did not return, idly wondering at the same time what flowers he would choose for our wedding posies, as it was tradition for the bridegroom to present his bride with the flowers she carried and I also wondered what his feelings were for, alas, he had not proclaimed them to me.

That evening after dinner, I sat in Lizzie’s armchair looking at my wed-ding gown which hung from the picture rail by the door, the flames from the fire casting eerie shadows across it, at times appearing that someone other than I wore it. Then I thought of Isabel and how pleased she was at being my bridesmaid and how lovely she had looked in the cornflower blue gown. What would she do when the wedding was over?

I fervently hoped she would not revert to her solemn ways. Maybe I could help by giving her some company to ensure she wouldn’t be disinterested in life again and she could teach me the piano. I’d never play as well as her, but I could make some endeavour for her sake. Estelle came to mind and the outbursts I’d witnessed in recent days. She needed help, this I knew with certainty and pledged to assist all I could.

She was so exquisitely beautiful, would that I had half of her beauty. The thought of Gareth caused my heart to skip a beat. His proposal in the morning room had been a gallant gesture, but he’d only done it to make things easier for me, once he’d rescued me from his ruthless brother and from Estelle also, but surely any man would have helped a lady in distress.

He’d altered the master bedroom, but with what thought in mind, to please me or to ensure that I would share his bed? I walked over to Lizzie’s sampler on the wall. Gently running my hand over it, I made a silent plea, help me, Grandmother, show me what is right.

After some thought I decided to seek out Gareth for I needed to speak to him. As I walked down the staircase I looked over the banister and recalled the evening I witnessed Estelle’s outburst.

I tried the dining-room first for he sometimes lingered over his port. As I opened the door I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. Gareth was sitting alone at the table, a glass in his hand. He looked at me with some surprise.

‘Why, Silvia, I thought that you had retired for the night. What ails you, for you look pale.’ His voice held concern and for a brief moment I hesitated before I spoke.

‘I’m sorry, Gareth. I cannot marry you. For now at least we must cancel our wedding.’ With these words I left him. He looked stunned and as I climbed the staircase to my room, I heard him call my name.

‘Silvia, an explanation is called for.’

But tonight I could not explain anything for I hardly knew the answer myself.

9

‘I am mortified, Silvia,’ my mother’s voice berated me next morning when I was hardly awake. ‘You have your dress and the church booked, what are you thinking about.’ As she spoke, Mother paced up and down my room.

‘It is not about gowns and churches, Mother,’ I replied quietly.

‘Then what is it about? Tell me for I am interested to know why you have called off your wedding to such a catch as Gareth.’ Mother spoke harshly.

‘Love Mother! It is about love!’ I stressed the word.

‘And what would you know of love at your tender age?’ Mother scoffed.

‘I know I feel love, but it is not returned. I cannot marry a man that does not love me, Mother.’ I uttered with sincerity.

‘Well, he’ll certainly not love you now and that’s a fact.’ She laughed as she spoke. ‘And who’s to pick up the pieces and cancel all the arrangements?’

‘I shall do it myself today,’ I offered. ‘And it doesn’t mean I’ll never marry Gareth.’

‘You can be sure he wouldn’t consider marrying you after this charade,’ Mother interrupted, waving one arm in the air as she spoke. I could see she was getting more agitated by the second.

‘Calm down, Mother,’ I pleaded.

‘Calm down! When you’ve brought nothing but shame and disappointment upon me, and what will your Aunt Rachel think? Tell me that.’ Her voice was getting louder.

‘Aunt Rachel will understand.’ As I spoke the words I was sure that this would be so.

‘Understand!’ exclaimed Mother. ‘What I suggest, my girl, is that you come back with me today to Exeter, for that is where I shall be going as soon as it can be arranged.’

‘I have no intention of leaving Darkwood,’ I said stubbornly. Tor my intention is to get to know Gareth better.’ Mother headed to the door, before opening it she indicated with her hand to the ivory gown still hanging on the picture rail.

‘And what are you to do with this pray tell me, for it cost a pretty penny?’

‘My intention is to store it in the wardrobe and wear it one day soon.’ I hoped my voice held conviction. Mother tossed her head with an air of contempt and slammed the door behind her, while I stood on a chair and lifted down my wedding gown and laid it across the bed.

Sometime later Pru came to me, ‘The mistress is in a foul mood, Silvia, and says that we are to go home today.’ As she spoke, Pru dabbed a handkerchief at her eyes. I got up from the armchair and placed one arm around her shoulder.

‘Please don’t cry, Pru,’ I entreated. ‘You can stay with me if you care to, for Kitty will look after Mother.’

‘Could I really, Miss? Oh I’d like that.’ Pru’s face lit up and as quickly looked crestfallen again. Tut I’d need permission from your mother.’

‘Don’t worry,’ I consoled, ‘I’ll speak to Mother on your behalf.’ It was quite a battle, but Mother agreed to Pru staying with me understanding that I’d be left alone without a maid.

Mother left Darkwood with all her belongings at one o’clock that same afternoon, Aunt Rachel and I stood on the path waving until the carriage was out of sight. I felt a great sadness in my heart which Aunt Rachel must have sensed for she took my arm and suggested that we have a cup of tea in the drawing-room.

‘Silvia,’ began Aunt Rachel as she poured tea for the two of us. ‘If you are not ready for marriage to Gareth I do understand, but may I ask how you feel about him?’

‘I truly love him Aunt, but before I can marry him I need to know that he loves me too. I cannot condone marrying someone for the wrong reasons, for some time I thought I could, but realised last night it would be the wrong thing to do,’ I replied truthfully.

‘And you have no misgivings?’ My aunt inquired.

‘None at all,’ I replied emphatically.

‘This is all that matters. Now I want you to go and rest in your room and come down to dinner this evening looking your best for I shall ensure Gareth joins us. In the meantime, I shall call at the vicarage and explain to Mr Poulter and Isabel, I will also need to get a letter to our relations at Lydford.’ How kind my aunt’s words were, so different from Mother’s and I wondered how two sisters could be so different.

‘And what of Estelle?’ I asked, suddenly thinking of her also.

‘Estelle is indisposed and could be for some time, but I don’t want you to worry your pretty little head about it. Now run along and I’ll see you at dinner.’ My aunt’s voice was firm and would brook no argument.

I sat in my room by the fire all afternoon mulling things over in my mind, and praying Gareth would not be adverse to joining us for dinner that evening, for I longed to see him. Pru carefully put my wedding gown away in the wardrobe covering it with muslin. That evening it took me some time to decide what to wear. I decided on the lemon-coloured silk with the scooped neckline, simply because I’d worn it on the first evening Gareth had addressed me by my Christian name.

I asked Pru to fashion my hair the same as well, covering it as the back with the snood that matched my dress. I tried to recreate the effect of that previous evening which seemed so long ago. I clasped the cream pearls at my neck and slipped the ruby and diamond betrothal ring on my finger, it sparkled in the light of the lamp and I knew that to wear it would be a statement for Gareth, hopefully conveying the message that I was still betrothed to him.

Looking in the drawer of the dressing table for a handkerchief, I chanced on the lace bag belonging to Lizzie which I had placed here on the day of our arrival at Darkwood after finding it at the bottom of the wardrobe.

The yellow roses were almost the colour of the dress I wore, and thought to take it to dinner with me. I pressed the lace to my cheek feeling close to my beloved grandmother who I felt sure had guided me last night.

Putting the bag on the top of the dressing table I selected a pretty white lace handkerchief which I intended to place in the bag. Opening the twisted gold clasp I went to push the handkerchief inside when I felt something tucked in the bag, taking it out I could see that it was a folded envelope very like the ones in Lizzie’s writing desk. I took it over to the armchair and sat down unfolding the envelope. I looked at it back and front several times.

Although it was sealed, I could see nothing had been written on it. I got up and went to the desk and took an envelope out, it matched perfectly to the one I’d found. Sitting back in the armchair I considered what to do.

Part of me said that I should take it to Aunt Rachel, but my heart said to open it as I’d found it. The lace bag had obviously been overlooked when the wardrobe had been cleared out. I looked again in the bag to see if it held anything else. Reaching my hand in the bottom I touched on a small metal object. On bringing it out into the light of the lamp I could see it was a small brass key, probably the one missing from the desk.

I’d discovered it too late as Douglas had put a new lock on only the other day, so I tucked the key back in the bag. Holding the envelope again for some time I made a decision, right or wrong to open it myself for she was my grandmother and I loved her. My hand was unsteady as I unsealed it, thinking that this had lain unseen for many years.

There was a sheet of paper inside which at first I was reluctant to remove. My heart pounding, I eventually found the courage to retrieve it, unfolding it I could see bold handwriting written in blue ink which had faded a little over the years. Tears stung my eyes as I saw the name Lizzie at the bottom of the page. I lay my hand which held the letter on my lap trying to pull myself together before reading something that had been written so long ago. It could be a letter never posted to her family or an invitation, things I’d mulled over before when the desk was first opened, but unless I read it I’d never know. Nothing could have prepared me for the content of the letter as I read.

April the 23rd 1851.

No longer can I stand Samuel’s infidelity. I see Jared’s face at every turn to remind me of it, my heart bleeds for his mother, Kate, who died giving birth to him at the tender age of sixteen years.

I lay no blame on her, she was just a child and would have succumbed to Samuel’s persuasive ways with women as I surrendered to it long ago. I have some sympathy for Jared not knowing his true parentage, will he ever know that he is Samuel’s illegitimate son? The sad fact is that after laying him at Rachel’s door he disowned him, I feel I should lay bare to Jared the truth, but can no longer endure Samuel’s wrath either, and now the servants are gossiping yet again that a girl in the village is with child by Samuel.

I cannot bear their hushed silence as I walk into a room or the glances of sympathy in my direction. Whoever reads this first will know why I must end my misery and explain it to my beloved grandchildren, Gareth and Silvia, when they are old enough to understand it. Gareth who is full of endearing ways already and Silvia who at such a young age appreciates the written word.

My heart is heavy that I shall not see them grow into adulthood, but my depression is such that I can no longer carry on. The laudanum awaits me, calling me and I have to reach for it, Samuel will despise me for it, that I would dare to escape in this way, but that is the trump card I shall forever hold over him for I have no other and I shall lie forever surrounded by the bluebells in Darklady’s Wood.

Lizzie.

I could not at first take it in, Jared’s name jumped up at me as I looked at the letter again, I could hardly believe it. Jared was Samuel’s son, or should I believe it? And I recalled the cruel twist of his mouth and ruthless manner so like my grandfather, and that led me to think that Jared was in truth my uncle.

A sob escaped my lips as I realised my beloved Lizzie appeared to have taken her own life because of my grandfather’s cruelty and philandering ways. Oh my Lord, I thought, clutching the letter to my bosom and recalling the words, I shall lie forever surrounded by the bluebells in Darklady’s Wood. She had taken the laudanum in that beautiful wood and lay to die on a carpet of bluebells, I could not bear it, I needed someone to share this pain with me and my thoughts flew to Gareth, my beloved grandchildren, Gareth and Silvia.

I stood up tears streaming down my face, tucking the letter back into the lace bag intent on finding Gareth before dinner, was there no end to my misery? The thought ran through my mind, Gareth’s endearing ways, was I so wrong to doubt him, wrong to tell him that I could not marry him on the foundation that he had not declared his love for me?

My feet practically ran along the corridor, sobs escaping my lips as I ran, my hand tightly clutching the bag lest someone take it from me. The fact that I didn’t know which was Gareth’s room hadn’t occurred to me. I ran blindly on, the skirts of my lovely dress dragging along the carpet as another miracle happened and Gareth stepped out of the master bedroom into the corridor.

‘Gareth, Gareth!’ I shouted, sobs still racking my body as I tumbled headlong into his arms, his arms went around me cradling my head on his shoulder, no matter how I tried I couldn’t stop crying, I’d never felt such despair.

‘Silvia, sshhh,’ he whispered trying to calm me but to no avail so he led me into the bedroom which he’d so caringly refurbished for me, the thought of which made me worse. He sat me in the armchair by the fire which was still burning in the hearth and pulled a bell cord that I had not noticed before.

Leaning on the floor before me he tried so hard to pacify me, in no time at all Dotty appeared, her eyes were like saucers taking in the scene before her, we would be the talk of the kitchen, but I didn’t care. My dishevelled hair, red cheeks and sobs would be relayed to the cook no doubt.

‘Dotty, please fetch Miss Silvia a large brandy and tell no-one,’ Gareth instructed the bewildered girl. ‘Now Silvia please tell me what causes you such distress.’

‘Jared... Jared...’ I sobbed looking Gareth in the eye, I must have looked a sight. ‘Jared is not your brother, he is our uncle!’ I paused for breath, ‘And our beloved grandmother took her own life in Darklady’s Wood! Oh Gareth, I cannot bear it.’

Dotty arrived with the brandy, Mrs Trigg at her heels.

‘Is there something wrong, sir?’ Knowing full well there was, as she took in the scene before her.

‘Please leave us, Mrs Trigg and tell no-one,’ said Gareth, thrusting the glass of brandy into my trembling hand.

‘But the mistress is asking for you both, sir. What shall I tell her?’ Mrs Trigg persisted.

‘Tell them we’ll be down soon, Mrs Trigg please, now leave us.’

‘Come along, Dotty,’ said Mrs Trigg pushing the girl through the door, taking her displeasure out on the poor child. I gulped the brandy, clutching the glass with a trembling hand, and thankfully the sobs subsided.

‘I know you are distraught dear heart, but tell me how you found this out,’ Gareth asked softly.

‘I found this letter in Lizzie’s bag.’ And I fumbled to unclasp the bag and handed Gareth the letter, sobs starting again as I handled it. Gareth stood by the fireplace slowly reading the words which must have been as painful to him.

‘This would explain why we can’t find Lizzie’s grave, for it would be in unconsecrated ground. I can understand your distress for I feel it to, but we need to tell my mother, for it would appear she could shed further light on all this.’ Gareth spoke sensibly I realised and at last I was beginning to calm myself, sound sense was suddenly replacing hopelessness.