Dark Winter (21 page)

I’d had some understanding of Kelly’s condition, but only some. I knew men who’d suffered with post-traumatic stress disorder, but they were big boys who’d been to war. Hughes told me it was natural for a child to go through a grieving process after a loss – but sometimes, after a sudden traumatic event, the feelings could surface weeks, months or even years later. This delayed reaction was PTSD, and the symptoms were similar to those associated with depression and anxiety: emotional numbness, feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and despair, and reliving the traumatic experience in nightmares – exactly what had happened to me at Hunting Bear Path.

Hughes’s diagnosis rang so true, but then, as I was to discover, just about everything she ever said rang true. Kelly hadn’t fully recovered from the events of 1997, and I didn’t know whether she ever would. Seeing your whole family head-jobbed took some recovering from. But she was a fighter, just like her dad had been, and had made dramatic strides. Under Hughes’s care, she’d moved from being a curled-up bundle of nothing to being able to function in the big bad world. It was just a fucker that that world was full of sex, exams, boys and drugs, all conspiring to send her back down the black hole it had taken her so long to escape from.

26

There was a gentle knock on the door before it opened and the receptionist popped her head round. ‘Kelly’s here.’ We stood up as Dr Hughes put her special smily face back on.

‘Dr Hughes, I haven’t told her yet, and I want to myself later today.’

Kelly came in, apologizing. ‘The taxi driver didn’t know the way. He had to get his book out.’

Carmen and Jimmy were still in the reception area, and I could hear Jimmy getting a hard time. Carmen was somehow managing to make the driver’s incompetence his fault. I sneaked a look at the new plaster on Kelly’s right hand.

‘Shall we go up, then, Kelly?’ Hughes had an arm out to usher her away. ‘There’s still quite a bit of time left.’

Kelly looked pleased, then gave me a raised eyebrow. ‘Are you going to be here?’

I nodded. ‘See you in a bit.’

I got a slight smile from her as they left the room. I didn’t know whether she was pleased to see me or just glad to escape from those two for the best part of an hour.

Jimmy looked relieved as I walked into Reception. He always made the mistake of assuming there was safety in numbers. I opened the door for them. ‘Shall we go for a cup of tea round the corner? It’s pointless waiting here, isn’t it?’

Jimmy was up for it but we had to wait for Carmen to agree. Eventually we walked along to the main and found a table in a pretend French café staffed entirely by Croatians.

‘Have any letters come for me yet?’

She shook her head while studying the menu. ‘No, but we left before the post. It’s such a long way, you know. That stupid man didn’t know where he was. Don’t they have to sit a test? Look at these prices – one fifty for a cup of tea.’

Jimmy nodded his thanks to the waitress as she wrote down our order and took it to the counter. We all went back to studying our menus, already stumped for conversation.

The girl rescued us a few minutes later by returning and plonking down two teas and a coffee for me. I pushed two antibiotic tablets through the foil of the card, which didn’t escape Carmen’s eye. ‘I’ve got a cold coming on,’ I said. ‘Just trying to knock it on the head.’

‘As long as you don’t knock it in my direction. I’ve only just got over one. Well, it was more flu, wasn’t it, Jimmy?’

Jimmy sparked up. ‘I think it’s just black-cab drivers, dear. Our one was a minicab.’

‘Well, they should have to do the test too.’ She turned and gave me a theatrical aside. ‘He’s going deaf, but he won’t admit it. I told him to see the doctor, but, oh, no . . .’

I swallowed the first pill with a sip of frothy coffee. I bet he was deaf. I would have been in his position. ‘There might be another letter coming to you,’ I said. ‘It’s not important, I can always come and pick it up after I’ve finished this work.’ I scooped a bit more of the froth from the top of the brew to help the pill down. There was no point putting this off any longer. It was time to cut to the chase. ‘Carmen and Jimmy, I’ve got some disappointing news. Kelly’s got to go back to the States tomorrow.’

‘But—’

‘I know, I know, but I’m going to be working for longer than I thought. Dr Hughes is already finding somebody in the States for Kelly, so that’s a good thing.’

‘Surely it’s not a good idea to chop and change—’

‘What I need,’ I cut across whatever she was going to say, ‘is for you to change her flight. Can you do that for her?’

‘Oh, but we haven’t got that sort of money.’ No problem was too small to escape Carmen’s radar.

‘If you just change it, I’ll pay any extras with my card, I’ll phone them with my details. It’s just I haven’t got time to do the organizing, and she has her ticket. I have to start work at twelve.’

‘How do we do that?’

‘Have you got a pen?’

She fished in her bag and I wrote, ‘London Heathrow to Baltimore American Airlines; Sunday 13th’, on a paper napkin.

‘That’s all they’ll need to know,’ I said. ‘Give them her ticket and they’ll do the rest. Just call American, the numbers are on the ticket. If they can’t do it, just book any airline to Baltimore for tomorrow. Any travel agent will do it for you. Tell them that once they’ve got a seat reserved I’ll phone in and get everything squared away.’

I was removing obstacles before Carmen could zero in on them, but she was still looking like she’d swallowed a wasp. ‘When are you going to tell her? It’ll upset her even more, you know, the poor mite.’

‘I know. In a minute.’

Almost unconsciously I checked the signal on the phone, and Carmen looked even more anxious. ‘Do you have to go?’

I was tempted to say yes and just bin her, but the Croatian coffee was good. And for all Carmen’s faults, Kelly loved her, which was why I’d posted the antibiotics for them in case there was a drama once Kelly had got away safely.

We all lifted our cups and drank in uncomfortable silence. Jimmy fidgeted with his spoon and Carmen looked at the traffic outside one moment and back at me the next, as if she was trying to say something but couldn’t find the words, which wasn’t a problem she normally had.

A minute or two later I was finished and went to dig out my wallet.

‘Oh, no, we’ll see to this – won’t we, Jimmy?’

I smiled. ‘Thanks. Well, I suppose we’d better—’

‘Nick?’ Carmen’s hand was on my arm. ‘There’s something I’d like to ask you. Before you go. In case, you know . . .’ She was still struggling.

Oh, fuck. Please don’t let them be asking for money.

‘I – well, we, Jimmy and I – there’s something we’d like to ask you. It’s about Kevin.’ She spent some time trying to clear her throat. ‘He never told us what he did, but we could guess. It was the same sort of job you do, wasn’t it?’

This was difficult. If Kev had chosen not to tell them, why should I? What the fuck. ‘Yes, sort of.’

‘It was for the government, wasn’t it?’

‘Yes.’

Carmen smiled, and Jimmy looked as if he was going to burst with pride. ‘We thought as much.’ Then her smile faded. ‘Nick, that’s why we worry so much. Look, we’ve had our differences, but we know that deep down you care for Kelly and want the best for her. We do know that, and we understand that you don’t have the sort of job you can say no to when they call you. It can’t be easy for you, trying to juggle all these things at once.’

I opened my mouth but Carmen hadn’t finished. ‘There’s something else, Nick. It’s embarrassing for us to say this because we’re her grandparents, but you see, well, the truth is we’re not really up to looking after her – not for more than a day or two at a time, anyway. We love her dearly, of course, but it’s just too much of a strain. We can’t bear to see her so unwell, needing a psychiatrist and so on. If anything happened to you and Josh, well, we just don’t think we could cope with her ourselves, and then what? And Kelly – what about her if something happens to you? I’m sure Josh would do his best, but how would Kelly survive, having to go through it all a second time? I know you think we’re just silly old fools, but we do worry. We worry about it all the time.’

It was my turn to look away. ‘I guess it’s not easy for any of us, eh? But things will get better. Kelly will start her treatment in the States, I’ll be with her again in two or three weeks. As soon as we can, we’ll come back over. It’ll be like none of this ever happened.’

She looked at me expectantly. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I just stood up. They both smiled uncomfortably before Jimmy stammered, ‘We—we’re g-getting a black cab back, so he should know the way.’

I thought I’d leave them to it. ‘Tell you what, you two stay here and I’ll go and pick up Kelly, OK? It’ll give me a moment to talk to her. I’ll leave my bags.’ I got a smile from both of them as I turned and walked away, but with the exception of Kelly, I didn’t think I’d ever seen people look so lonely.

27

There was going to be no easy way to tell her. In the past I’d just have lied, but somehow I couldn’t do it any more.

I checked the signal again as I walked into the waiting room and sat down with a magazine. It wasn’t long before Kelly emerged with Dr Hughes. She said her short goodbyes to the doctor, thinking that she was going to see her on Tuesday. ‘Where’s Granny and Gramps?’

‘They’re having a cup of tea round the corner. Fancy one?’

We came out into the April sun and I psyched myself up – but Kelly got there first. ‘Nick, can I tell you something?’

‘Of course. Unless it’s something horrible about me.’

A smile flickered across her face, then a more serious look. ‘I want to tell you what Dr Hughes and I have been talking about. She’s so brilliant, Nick. I can tell her everything and it’s like she really understands. It’s like chilling out with Vronnie, only her advice makes sense.’

I took her hand and squeezed it. She probably thought it was because I was pleased with her or something. She looked up into my eyes. ‘The thing is, Nick, I’ve been, well, not all the time, but I’ve been making myself sick.’

I resisted the urge to look away. I didn’t want her to think I was disgusted with her, or that I already knew. If I was disgusted with anyone, it was myself. ‘Really? Why have you done that?’

‘Well, you know about my gymnastics, right? We get together and count each other’s ribs, and if they’re hard to count that means we’re too big. Vronnie’s in gymnastics too, and one day she pinched my side and got hold of some fat, and it just totally freaked me out. I made myself sick after dinner that night and it was horrible, but I did it again and it wasn’t too bad, and now it’s not that hard to do at all.’

I didn’t know how to respond. I just couldn’t believe the timing.

I felt like Carmen, struggling to find the right words. ‘Are you going to tell Granny and Gramps?’

She looked at the ground and shook her head. ‘I don’t think so, do you?’

‘Probably not. What about Josh?’

‘What do you think?’

‘I know you probably don’t want to, but he loves you and he’s really trying to help.’

‘Yeah, I suppose.’

And then I took a deep breath. ‘Kelly, I’ve got a drama . . .’ I felt her hand stiffen in mine. She knew what was coming. ‘I’ve got to go away. Yes, it’s work. I’ve thought about it, and I reckon it’s best that you go back early. Josh and everyone are back later today, so if you went tomorrow—’

She pulled her hand away. ‘But I’m due at Dr Hughes’s on Tuesday, right?’

‘I’ve told Dr Hughes, she knows you’re leaving tomorrow. I asked her not to say anything because I wanted to tell you myself. Look, you’re better off getting back to the States and starting with whoever she’s organizing to help you.’

‘But I want to come back on Tuesday.’ Her voice quavered. She stared at me, tears welling and just starting to fall down her face. ‘I want to see her, I need to see her, she’s the only one who—’

‘It’s better this way. You’ll just be starting with the person she recommends a little early.’

‘How am I supposed to get better when you keep doing this to me?’ She moved her head sadly from side to side. ‘You say you want to be with me, but you don’t. You don’t understand . . .’

‘Be fair – how can I get to understand if you don’t tell me what’s happening?’

Her tears had stopped and her body stopped moving. ‘But I have now, haven’t I? You’re still leaving.’

Shit, she had me on that one. ‘Look, going home now means you can start seeing another therapist all the sooner. We were only ever going to be here for a short while, and Dr Hughes has done well, hasn’t she? I mean, look what you’ve been able to talk about. Now we have a good base to work from back home. Isn’t that for the best?’

Bastard!
The cell rang and Kelly put on her most sarcastic voice. ‘Hello, work calling. Hello, work calling.’

I hit the key, then rehashed it. Suzy was out on the street. ‘He’s called and we’ve a meet in an hour and forty-five.’

I put on a happy voice. ‘OK. I’ll call you back in a few minutes.’

Her voice was full of tension. ‘Do you understand? I’m leaving now for Starbucks. You need to be there – don’t let me down.’