Daring the Wild Sparks (17 page)

Everyone stands again—I’m assuming for a prayer. Prior to it beginning, Finn’s candle wildly flickers and then inexplicably popping. We watch the candle as embers tumble onto the white, paper disk surrounding it, before speedily burning out. Immediately looking at each other, we quietly chuckle in amusement.

After the prayer, we all sit back down. Finn puts our hands on his lap this time and I whisper into his ear, “You’ve always been amazing at creating mad sparks in my life.”

He smirks at me as I lean away from him, grinning and biting my lip to keep myself from giggling, possibly bringing the Vigil to a halt and being scolded by the priest.

When it’s time to blow out our candles, we do so and then tuck them into the book slots in front of us so they can cool down since burning down a church on Easter would be both tragic and bad luck.

Finn’s hand is still firmly in mine when we all stand for another song. I watch the people around us singing, except for Finn and Ricky, who continue their boycott on singing. If Rod were here, he’d no doubt be singing the wrong words loudly, and most likely,
really
inappropriate words to boot, not caring even if God himself threw a lightning bolt at him.

We sit and stand for prayers a number of times prior to the people being baptized are called to the altar steps. There are three of them, one man and two women. Next, two women being confirmed are called to the altar. They all face us, some of them looking nervous. They are all then instructed to kneel before the altar.

Father McGinty, who I’ve come to learn is the priest’s name from a church bulletin, announces, “Let us kneel.” Finn and Ricky move their legs, I follow suit, and they bend to flip over a wooden thing with padding on top that is connected to the bottom of the pew in front of us. Finn and Ricky kneel, but I’m not sure what to do. I’m an outsider. Do I participate in kneeling or would that be blasphemous? I don’t want to overstep and be banned from ever entering a Catholic church again.

Finn looks at me sitting frozen on the bench, and gently pulls my hand, nodding his head to the side, indicating for me to join him.

Hesitant, I sweep my hand behind me so that my dress isn’t left on the pew, causing yet another embarrassment, and I kneel in between Finn and Ricky. Finn puts his arm around my back and scoots closer so that I’m firmly against him, idly stroking my forearm with his fingers. The smile on my face is jubilant. Oddly, this is the closest I’ve ever felt to him.

From my peripheral, I can see Ricky scrutinizing me. I lean my head closer to him and whisper, “What?” I smell his woodsy cologne and it instantly reminds me of the one I gave to Finn. My two bodyguards are outdoorsy to the core.

He shakes his head and smiles. What is on Ricky Tesco’s mind? As with Rod’s, it’s probably better off that I don’t know.

I watch as the three people walk to a large, marble-looking, stand that opens into a big bowl at the top. The first woman leans over as Father McGinty uses a ladle to pour water three times on the top of her head. He says, “In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

I’ve never been baptized. My parents weren’t much into any religion. My mother is Jewish, but never practiced and my father grew up Episcopalian. Jared and I were mutts, I guess, never belonging to a community like this. It would’ve been nice to belong somewhere, to have had a place to go when I needed guidance or just to pray in God’s house. Adam Beckett is an excellent dad, but he worked all the time. He left us with his parents while he worked 12-hour shifts as a Boeing structural engineer. We hardly ever saw him. Jared and I mostly lived at our grandparents’ house, even having our own bedrooms there. Often, we stayed with them for weeks on end. My dad tried the best he could with the cards he was dealt when my mother left him with two young kids. I don’t know how he did it, or how he would’ve done it without his parents’ help. Although he wouldn’t have, he could’ve just left us, too.

I don’t talk about my mother much with Finn. I told him what happened to her when he asked where she was. Surprisingly, he was quiet when I told him, not having a response to my admission. He only stared at me with an odd look etched onto his face. I can’t change anything about the past or how she felt about being stuck with us. I didn’t ask him what he thought because I honestly didn’t need to know if he pitied me, wanted to laugh, or if he even felt indifferent about it all. I’m not even sure which one of those would hurt the most.

After the three people are baptized and more prayers are said, Father McGinty has us stand again and invites everyone to renew their own baptismal promises. He asks the congregation three questions and the entire room, including Finn and Ricky, reply.

Answering the first question with his deep voice, Finn quietly utters, “
I do
.”

That is not how I expected him to respond and I’m taken aback. I never thought he’d ever utter those two words in a church. Shivers tingle along my spine, while a heaviness weighs in my heart.

Father McGinty asks another question and once again, everyone responds with, “I do.”

This is killing me.

He then asks a third question. I close my eyes and wince, waiting for the punch to my stomach. “I do,” everyone responds a third time. This goes on three more times. Tears blur my eyes and I stare down to the bench in front of us. This feels like a mean joke, although, I know it isn’t. It’s just me.

Father McGinty picks up a metal wand-looking thing and walks around the pews, sprinkling the parishioners with water. Once sprinkled, the reaffirmed, baptized faithful make the sign of the cross. He ambles his way over to us. I bow my head and feel the water droplets lightly peppering my head and I try to soak in as much of the blessings I can. Finn lets go of my hand and he and Ricky cross themselves. I truly wish I belonged instead of feeling so spiritually alone and left out in the cold.  Finn grabs my hand again, fitting our fingers together like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

I wonder how Finn feels about me not being baptized. That’s something else we’ve never talked about. Is there another reason he doesn’t bring me to church with him, besides not wanting people to know he’s dating me? Maybe he already knows I’m not baptized; therefore, considered an infidel. A heathen. Could that be it? Is he ashamed of me and I had not considered that as the real reason? I pray he doesn’t think of me that way.

He wouldn’t, would he?

If I could change things, I would. But, how? How does one join a church? I’ve heard becoming a member of the Catholic Church isn’t easy. Can’t I just sign a paper? Say a pledge? Is there an initiation?  Do I even tell Finn that I’m considering it? Or, do I go off and find my own church? Would he laugh at me like that girl he laughed at in high school? I had never even thought of Finn being like that. He could very well be laughing at me now of how ugly I am on the inside.

Suddenly, applause fills the room. Finn releases my hand and claps for the people on the altar, and I bring myself to do the same. Even Ricky applauds them. Looking to the newly baptized, they appear to be joyous. Do they now feel like they belong?

Finn reclaims my hand and squeezes it. I glance over at him. His dark eyes search mine. Can he read my mind and my inner turmoil? Does he see how impure my soul is?

I give him a weak smile and return my attention to the people at the altar; though, I can feel his eyes boring into me. I can never tell him how I feel. It’s humiliating and I feel so dirty, unworthy of his love now since I’ve seen this side of his life. How could I have been so stupid? I’m not even close to being in his league. I’ve been demanding more from him when he should be demanding more from
me
, but am I even worth it? I’ve been begging him to change his mind about marriage and having a baby, but here I am, so…
beneath
him. He even got a tattoo with my name on it. It’s as if my worthlessness is pervading him like a disease.

My soul is unclean and unholy. I’m unfit to even be in his presence.

I feel an icy, cold panic setting in. It’s gripping my heart and lungs like a vice, enveloping my body and soul; spreading through me as if it’s liquid lightning, igniting my deepest and most gaping insecurity of all:

I don’t deserve Finn Wilder.

With the hand not holding Finn’s, I grip the pew in front of me and glare at the dark brown wood. Finn moves his mouth to my ear, “What’s wrong?” I don’t avert my eyes from the bench as I shake my head. He straightens and I vaguely see him looking over me, either giving Ricky a look or mouthing something to him.

More prayers are said and the six members then receive oil on their foreheads in the sign of the cross. Then each are given a taper candle in which they light from the Paschal Candle. Outside, bells loudly ring. We all stand and sing, well, everyone else does. Always the observant cop, Ricky watches everyone else and Finn watches me.

As the altar is being prepared, it dawns on me that the most humiliating part is yet to come:

Communion.

We come to a point where Finn and Ricky once again get down on their knees. Finn tugs my hand and I quickly kneel beside him. I watch Father McGinty pouring wine and blessing the wafers. I’ve been to church a few times with my grandparents, but they didn’t go often either, or at least, they didn’t go when Jared and I were staying with them.

“Are you okay?” Finn whispers in my ear. I nod, but keep my eyes glued to the woman’s back in front of me. Finn pulls my hand to his mouth, furtively kissing my hand, brushing his lips over my ring. He leaves my hand against his mouth as we watch Father McGinty bless the communion.

We stand and the congregation replies to what Father McGinty says to us. I’m so lost: in the service and in life in general. He could be giving a weather report for all I know. He then offers us peace and instructs us to give the sign of peace to those around us.

What
?

How am I supposed to know what to do?

People around us shake hands.

Oh.

Others hug.

Ricky grabs my hand, yanking me to his chest, crushing me. “Peace, Hadley,” he says with too much humor in his voice.

I wheeze and huff a breathless laugh. “Let go of me.”

Finn’s hand wraps around the back of my arm and he pulls me out of Ricky’s embrace, saving me from an imminent suffocation. He folds me into his arms and gives me a hug. Oh, how I love these arms.

This
is my home.

“What’s wrong?” he whispers down to me.

I shake my head, scraping his chest. “Nothing.” His body stiffens.

I don’t think he believes me.

Since he’s right-handed, Finn moves his arm from around my waist to shake a few offered hands. Ricky shakes hands with people behind us. The woman in front of me offers me her hand, as well as a smile, and I return them both.

Kneeling once more, we watch everyone on the altar take communion, this includes all the new members for the first time participating.

I’m now officially the only one in this church who won’t be partaking in it.

Ricky nudges my arm and I look up to his face. He bends his head to my ear. “What’s going on?”

“What?” I whisper back.

“There’s something bothering you.”

“No.”

“You’re not supposed to lie in church.” I choose to ignore that comment. He sighs and adds, “Your boyfriend is worried about you.”

I lean into Ricky so that Finn, or anyone else around us, can’t hear. “How does he know anything is wrong with me?”

He frowns at me before asking, “Is that a real question?”

Tilting away from Ricky, Finn is unexpectedly in my other ear. “Becks, you
will
talk to me.”

My cheek brushes against his stubble at his close proximity. “It’s nothing, Sparks.”

He leans back, eyeing me strangely. I look back to the altar, while Finn is in my ear again. “
Sparks
?”

I nod, but don’t elaborate
. The flaming wick spitting fire reminded me of the feelings he kindled in my heart when we first met. Finn is like a roaring wildfire that has engulfed my life, but he’s also those small, unassuming, yet rebellious, sparks that set my world ablaze in the first place.

Sparks
. It feels perfect, but I’d have to ease into it, unlike how he did with
Becks
. He grabbed onto that one and took off straight for the end zone.

I watch entirely too many sports with Finn.

Ricky and Finn, along with the rest of our pew, stand. I rise so that I can let them through. Finn lifts the kneeling thing up with his foot so people don’t trip over it. As everyone in our row passes in front of me, I peer around me to see those that have already taken communion are kneeling again. When he leaves, I put my foot underneath and pry the thing back down. I kneel and wait for the boys to get back. I also say a few prayers.

The first one: for Finn and me.

The second one: for my disgraceful soul.

The third: for my rapidly unraveling sanity.

The cold panic has leveled somewhat, but it has only morphed into dread and foreboding apprehension.

I watch Finn and Ricky standing in line. Ricky whispers to Finn. I know they’re talking about me since my ears are ringing and burning. How is it that obvious something is bothering me?

I have got to hide it better
.

Before I am able to look away, Finn glances over his shoulder and his dark eyes ensnare me.
Dang it
.  He turns and whispers something back to Ricky. Are they discussing my recent revelation? How can they even know what I was thinking?

I nervously glimpse around me to all the people having just received communion or are still waiting. I feel like I have a beacon on top of my head, pointing down at me, telling everyone that I don’t belong here and that I’m ungodly.

From behind my clasped hands, I stealthy flick my eyes to my two escorts. Ricky is receiving communion, while Finn waits for his turn. I bite my lip and look away. I can’t watch him because it’ll remind me again of how much better he is than me.

Closing my eyes, I bury my face into my hands. I’m not supposed to feel like this. It’s a church, an Easter service that was uplifting me. Now, I feel like I don’t belong here and I was unceremoniously cast back down to Hell.

Hazily, I notice Ricky stepping behind me and over my legs. He kneels beside me and angles his head to me, whispering, “What’s up with you, Hadley? If you don’t want to talk to Finn, talk to me.” I can smell the holy wine on his breath.

I shake my head. He sighs and I hold my breath so I don’t have to smell the pungent souvenir of his redeemable soul.

Ricky glances up when Finn returns to our pew. Kneeling down, he instantly puts his arm around me, clasping my hand on top of the pew. Leaning close, he kisses my temple and I again hold my breath. How am I ever going to be able to kiss his lips again after we leave here? Will his kisses forever be a reminder of how irredeemable I am?

Why hadn’t I thought of this before? I can’t believe how naïve and unenlightened I was about Finn’s religion and how much his faith is ingrained in him. He attends Mass every week. He receives communion every week. How could I have been so stupid to think that I’m even worthy of his love?

I have faith. I honestly do. I believe in God, but has He turned his back on me since I’m not baptized? Does He still love me as I love Him?

I’m not good enough for Finn Wilder, how can I be good enough for God?

What do I do now?

We once again stand and Ricky flips the kneeling bench back up. Father McGinty says a few more things and we pray…again.

Since we’re in the back, we’re the first ones to leave after Father McGinty and Co. exits. Ricky leads us out and I concentrate on following him, while holding onto Finn’s hand behind me. We cut through the crowd, down the cement steps and to the sidewalk. Ricky stops off to the side so everyone else can pass us. Holding out his hand, Ricky skillfully catches my car key Finn tosses to him, as if they just read each other’s minds. I wouldn’t doubt that.

“We’ll be there in a few,” Finn tells Ricky, who coolly shrugs and strides to my car.

“Let’s walk,” Finn says, pulling me close.

“Why now?” I ask, really wanting to sit in the car with Ricky. Shit. He’ll interrogate me, too. The trunk it is then.

Finn doesn’t answer me as he steers us away from the boisterous crowd. “What did you think of the service?” he asks, playing with my fingers before he interweaves them with mine.

“It was nice.” It was a nice reminder of how I don’t belong anywhere: Finn’s public life, Finn’s private life.
My
own life doesn’t even like me much.

“Then, what’s bothering—”

“Finn!” We immediately stop walking and turn in the direction of the shrill voice.

Finn groans, “Damn it. She wasn’t going to be here tonight.” A blonde woman wearing a pink dress approaches us, and Finn presses our palms crushingly together. He sharply takes in a deep breath before plastering a stiff, fake smile on his face, always the crowd pleaser.

“Finn! I thought that was you!” She trots to us as fast as her tall, beige heels allow her to. I let go of Finn’s hand, but he quickly takes it back with a steel grip. He gives me a hard, yet pleading look, while his jaw muscles twitch like he’s crunching ice with his teeth.

The woman hugs Finn as he looks away from me, but grips my hand tightly. She resembles Julie. “My dear boy! I haven’t seen you in five years!”

“Hi, Aunt Reggie,” Finn mutters, patting her on the back and hugging her awkwardly. Holding onto his shoulders, Reggie steps back and assesses his appearance. “My handsome Finn is back!” she exclaims tearfully. “You are even more good-looking than the last time I saw you! Why
is
that?” Because Finn Wilder only gets better with age, which only makes me look like a hag next to him.

“Um, I have no idea.” His eyes dart around as he scratches the back of his head. Now he actually looks
embarrassed
, not something I ever have witnessed before.

Her attention abruptly switches to me. “I see why you look different.” Her eyes twinkle and she turns back to Finn. “My sweet little Finn Robert is in love!” Dropping his hand, Finn glances at me with a crooked smile.

Reggie lets go of Finn’s shoulders as her eyes float all over me. “You must be Hadley. Jules talks about you all the time. She absolutely adores you.” She offers me her hand. “I’m Regina, Julie’s sister. Call me Reggie.” I smile and shake her hand as her gaze alternates several times between Finn and me. “You’ve been together, what two years?”

“Three,” I answer her.

“
Three
?” She repeats disapprovingly and nearly glares at Finn. “
That long
? So, Finn Robert, when are you going to propose to this beautiful woman?” I automatically look at him, instantly wishing I hadn’t. His eyes widen before he runs his free hand over his open mouth. Oh, shit. She has pissed him off. In front of a church. How did he shift from first to fourth gear so fast? I suppose now would be a good time to pray that he doesn’t go off in front of all these God-fearing witnesses, with a cop in the backseat of my car, nonetheless.

Reggie continues to sign her death warrant. “Your mother wants you to marry Hadley. She’s worried that she’ll get tired of waiting for you or that someone else will snatch her up from you!”

Finn’s earlier words come back to me, ‘I need you to be on my side.’ I
am
on his side and right now, he needs me.

Putting my arm
s around Finn, I hug his side and he drops his hand from his mouth to hold me close to him. I say to Reggie, “We don’t have to get married for us to be together.” Reggie raises her eyebrows as I feel the shock from my statement gripping Finn’s body.

Reggie shakes her head, pityingly, and says, “Oh, honey. Don’t tell him that! Now he’ll
never
propose to you!”

I nonchalantly shrug and lie through my teeth. “That’s okay. I’ve accepted it. I don’t need to marry him to know he loves me. Nor do we need to get married to spend our lives together.” Finn hastily rubs my back and subtly blows out a breath
, remnants of wine flooding my face. I try not to cringe because his aunt is watching me as if she’s trying to solve one of those 3-D jigsaw puzzles without the goofy glasses.

“I think you’ve just blown your chances,” she informs me sadly.

I can feel the hot irritation radiating from Finn when he snaps, “Aunt Reggie, let
me
worry about our chances.” He hugs me into his side and clears his throat. “We need to get going. It was nice seeing you,” he says obligatorily, even though I know it wasn’t
nice
seeing her.

“Yes, it was,” she replies, the tears returning. She gives Finn another hug and smiles at him and then at me. “It was nice meeting you, Hadley. I hope to see you again soon.”

I nod. “Same here.” Not really. She just made me realize how stupid I’ve been.

Finn leads me down the sidewalk, away from other potential interruptions, when I stop him to say, “We really do need to get going. Ricky’s waiting for us in the car.”

He frowns and concentrates his eyes on mine. “Becks, we need to talk. What happened in there?”

I try
playing dumb. “What do you mean?”

“You were freaking out for some reason. Why?” He swings his head, peering around the parking lot and he licks his lips anxiously. “Did you not like the long service? Maybe the readings? Was it Ricky?” His eyes widen ever so slightly. “Me?”

I shake my head and look down to his black shoes—nice but nothing like any of Rod’s ridiculously expensive pairs. “No. It’s none of those.”

He puts his hands on my shoulders and stoops, trying to catch my eyes with his. “Then what, baby? I thought you wanted to come.”

I nod, but don’t avert my eyes to look at him. “I did. Thank you for bringing me.”

“Becks, talk to me.”

“Finn…”

He sighs and straightens, but leaves his hands on my shoulders. “Do you still want to go out to Bethany’s?”

I shake my head. “No. It’s an hour drive and I don’t really want to socialize with her neighbors tonight.” I finally sweep my eyes up to his face. “What did you want to do?”