Dangerous to Know (39 page)

“Catherine says you think you can’t love a child. Because you believe Sebastian didn’t love you.”

He offered me a sardonic smile. “That was her parting shot to me, if I remember correctly. And she’s off her rocker. Of course I can love a child ..

“Then why don’t you go to London and get her, bring her back to France?

You could have a good life together, darling.”

“No way, rv. I’m better off alone.”

“I don’t think you are. She also told me something else, Jack.

She said that you confided things about Sebastian and she thinks he was suffering from something called disassociation.”

“Yeah. She spouted all that to me too! A lot of psychiatric mumbo jumbo!”

“Not necessarily, Jack. There is such a condition, I’ve discsed it with a psychiatrist I know.” I paused, then slowly I continued, “I think she’s correct. Sebastian probably was afilicted with it.”

“Well, well, well, so the worm turns.”

“No, not at all. But I’ve thought a lot about him in the past few weeks, since I’ve been working on the profile of him for the sund’y Times, and I’ve come to see him differently.”

“Tell me. I’m all ears.”

“I believe Sebastian had a problem being intimate with us, loving us on a certain level. He just couldn’t do it, the emotion wasn’t there.

Very simply, it was missing in him. And by us I mean you, me, and Luciana. My mother. And probably all the wives. You see, he never knew mother love, had never bonded with anyone during the first years of babyhood when that is essential. And yet, conversely, he was a caring human being, Jack. Look how concerned he was about the world, how he wanted to help those in desperate need. It was possible for him to do enormous charity work, to ‘love’ the world en masse, so to speak, because he didn’t have to be intimate with all those people out there.

He gave vast amounts of money, traveled the world making sure it was used properly. And gave the inpra’ssion of being a ‘loving’

man.”

Jack was listening to me, taking in my words, and I could see that I had reached him. I went on, “Sebastian tried so hard, he did the best he could for us and he did care about us, Jack. In fact he always showed the three of us how much he cared, demonstrated it in so many different ways. He gave you the chateau because you loved it so much.

It wasn’t for tax benefits, as you’ve so often implied. He encouraged you to work with Olivier and learn the wine business. I know he expected you to run Locke Industries and the Locke Foundation one day, but he never said you couldn’t do it long distance, the way he had always done. And he never once said you had to give up the winery.

He spent time with you, he encouraged you to do so many things when you were young. Sebastian helped to make you what you are today.”

Jack was staring at me in astonishment. “What do you mean, spent time with me? He never did that! He was forever traveling, always lumbering me with Luciana. And you, missy.”

I laughed in his face. “Oh God, Jack, you sound like a maungy little boy. And for what it’s worth, I’m the one who got lumbered with you and Luciana.” I leaned forward and grabbed hold of his hand resting on the table. “Listen to me! Sebastian did the very best he could for you! I know. I saw it. And he did spend time with you. He taught you how to ride a horse, play tennis, row a boat and swim, and many other things.

You’ve just blocked it out because you hate him for some un known reason. Why, I’ll never know. And I’ll never know why you can’t give him the benefit of the doubt.”

“You have always viewed him from a different angle. You see him differently than I, Viv!” he shot back.

“That’s true to some extent, I agree. But I think I’m beginning to see him more realistically. I know I always idolized him. And idealized him, as well. I’ve suffered from a complaint called hero worship for years. But I’m getting over that. He wasn’t perfect, I realize this.

He was moody and difficult, and one of the most agonized men in the world. That’s why he was morose and gloomy so much of the time.

And I believe his agony sprang from his awful childhood. Being brought up by Cyrus Locke and some hideous nanny, and then acquiring a dreadful stepmother like Hildegarde Orbach must have been perfectly horrible.

Foul. Poor little boy. When I think about his child hood my heart bleeds. Actually, in my opinion, he turned out very well under the circumstances.”

Jack was looking at me intently, digesting my words. He had an odd look on his face when he said, “You seem to have worked out his psychology very well … do you really believe he suffered from disassociation then?”

“Frankly, Jack, I do.”

He nodded. “You said he couldn’t love on a intimate level. Are you now telling me he couldn’t love you?”

“Yes, I am. I don’t think he loved me, not in the way you and I love people, Jack. Oh Sebastian said he loved me, gave me lip service.

And I know he cared very deeply about me and my welfare, and that he was sexually involved with me. Very much so. But sexual passion can’t be construed as love.”

“The worm has turned,” he said in such a soft voice he was barely audible.

“I see him in a new light,” I replied, “I understand him better, that 5

all. And I don’t love him any less than I ever did. My view of him has changed. Not my feelings for him. They’re still exactly the same.”

“I see.”

“Ty to give him the benefit of the doubt, Jack, can’t you? I think you’d feel better if you did. You have no reason to hate him.

He was a good father.”

He said nothing. He sat there staring at me across the table, and suddenly I understood without him saying it that I had got through to him. And I realized he respected me more than ever for being so honest with him.

I sipped my champagne. I, too, was silent.

Unexpectedly Jack exclaimed, “But he always took what I wanted-“

“What do you mean?” I asked with a frown.

“My Special Lady, for one. Your mother. I loved Antoinette very much.”

I was so taken aback I gaped at him and my jaw dropped. “Jack, my mother was a mother to you! She was a grown woman. They were heavily involved. She adored him. what on earth are you getting at?”

“I don’t know … I always felt I was in some sort of competition with him … for her love and attention. And yours. I couldn’t believe it when he married you. He took you away from me.”

“Oh Jack, I’m sorry. So very sorry you’ve been harboring these awful feelings of … frustration and anger. And quite obviously for years.

But Sebastian wasn’t in competition with you, don’t you see that?

You were only a little boy. He was a man and one who was lethally attractive to women.”

rried you. He took you away from me.”

“Oh Jack, I’m sorry. So very sorry you’ve been harboring these awful feelings of … frustration and anger. And quite obviously for years.

But Sebastian wasn’t in competition with you, don’t you see that?

You were only a little boy. He was a man and one who was lethally attractive to women.”

Jack sighed heavily. “I guess the shoe was on the other foot . .

. I suppose I was competing with him. Is that what you’re saying?”

“I think I am, Jack, yes.” I leaned closer to him. “I want you to do something for me. And for yourself, and this is vitally important, so please pay attention, don’t start looking around the restaurant in that way.”

He brought his gaze back to mine. “I’m listening, Viv.”

“I want you to go to London. Immediately. I don’t want you to waste any time. I want you to get Catherine and bring her back to Air-en Provence. I want you to marry her at once so that the baby is legitimate when it’s born.”

“Why?”

“Because I want you to start your life all over again. I want a new beginning for you, a new beginning for the Locke dynasty. The baby Catherine is carrying is the future of the dynasty. And Catherine her self is your future, Jack. You’ll never meet anyone more suited to you than she. And she loves you so much.”

He sat very still, listening attentively to every word.

I smiled faintly. “It’s odd, you know,” I continued. “I’ve just suddenly realized that Catherine loves you in exactly the same way I loved Sebastian.”

He lolled back in the chair, gave me a questioning look. And I couldn’t help thinking that he looked so very much like his father at this moment. Leveling his blue eyes at me, he lifted a dark brow.

“And how is that?” he asked finally.

“With all her heart and soul and mind,” I answered.

The quietness of the old mill at Lourmarin had been restorative, just as I had known it would be. That was one of the reasons I loved to come back to Provence, to bask in the stillness of my house, rediscover its beauty and the beauty of my gardens, to be at peace.

In the past two weeks the tranquility had been a godsend. I had sifted through my troubled thoughts, brought order to the chaos in my mind.

And now at last it was all so very clear to me. I understood every thing and I had finally come to terms with myself.

I had changed.

I would never be the same again.

And I would never see the world in quite the same way, either.

Elements beyond my control had wrought these changes in me Sebastian’s suicide, Countess Zoe’s confessions, Catherine’s insights, my new4ound knowledge of those I thought I knew, but had not known at all. And my new understanding of myself. I realized that at this moment. in time I wanted to walk alone. For one thing, it had now become clear to me that I could not make a commitment to Kit

‘Themain. But I think I had always known that.

Jack and I had become closer than ever, perhaps because I had been so forthright about Sebastian and my revised perception of him. And somehow I have helped Jack to see the future more clearly than be fore.

Jack was at peace with himself at long last. He had resolved his hatred of his father; the turmoil in his heart had been vanquished.

Jack had taken the advice I had given him in Paris. He had gone to see Catherine in London and brought her back with him to Air-en-Provence .

Between the two of us we had convinced her to become his wife.

They were married yesterday at the Chateau d’Case.

274Babam Taylor Bmdfovd It was an intimate wedding. We had all agreed this was the way it should be. Olivier Marchand and his wife Claudette were present, along with Madame Clothilde and her husband Maurice, and a few of the other old timers from the estate, whom Jack, Luciana, and I had grownupwith.

Luciana and Gerald had flown in from London, and Luciana was so cordial with me that I was amazed. She seemed happier and healthier.

The change in her was so remarkable that I wondered if she were pregnant.

Afterward we had been served lunch in the garden. It had been such a lovely May day with the lilacs in full bloom and Catherine had made a beautiful bride in a pale pink dress and coat which set off her red hair. Jack had never been smarter in his life. He wore a dark blue suit, white shirt, and gray silk tie and looked more like Sebastian than ever.

I had never seen him so happy. I was thrilled for him, thrilled for them both. They were going to be all right, those two. I had no fears.

Rising, I left my desk and walked across the library to the French doors overlooking the gardens. I stood for a moment staring out, thinking what a lovely evening it was. Then, pushing open the doors, I stepped onto the terrace.

My eyes turned toward the distant horizon.

The sky was changing as the sun sank low in the west. The colors along the rim of the horizon took my breath away: vermillion and orange running into peach and gold, violet bleeding into amethyst, and lilac striated with the palest pink. It was the most glorious sunset I had seen in a long time.

The radiant light streaming out from behind the darkening clouds looked supernatural, as if it were emanating from some hidden source below the line of somber hills.

Only the shrill ringing of the phone forced me to tear my eyes away from that extraordinary sky.

I stepped into the library and reached for the receiver. “Vieur Moulin . Hello?”

“Madame Trent, s’il vous plait.”

“This is she speaking. Hubert, is that you?”

“C’est mais, Madame. Bonsoir-” He broke off, his voice trembling as he strived hard for control.

I knew what he was going to say, the news he had to impart before he spoke again. “Is it Countess Zoe, Hubert?” I asked quietly.

“Yes, Madame. She just died a few moments ago. She realized she was dying this afternoon. She asked me to let you know. ‘Thlephone Madame Trent immediately, Hubert. She must be told at once.” That is what she said to me. It was her last wish. She died gently, Madame.

And she was at peace.”

“Was her son Charles with her, Hubert?”

“Yes. Monsieur le Comte was at her bedside with his wife and little son. And Mademoiselle Ariel. Monsieur finally overruled his mother last week and brought his sister back from Africa.”

“I’m so glad they were all with her,” I said, my voice shaking. I brushed the tears off my cheeks. “Thank you, Hubert, for letting me know. Good night.”

“Good night, Madame.”

I replaced the receiver and went back to the terrace. I walked down the steps into the gardens Sebastian and I had planted so many years ago.

How beautiful they looked tonight. Many of the flowers had bloomed early this year. The borders were riotous with color and the early evening air was fragrant with their mingled scents.

I stood looking out toward my lavender fields and the meadows far beyond. Everything was a blur. I could not see anything through my tears.

My thoughts were of Countess Zoe. She had shown me that the past was immutable. My past was Sebastian and part of me would always belong to him. But I had let him go … I had exorcised his ghost at last. And now I could get on with my life. Like Jack, I could start anew.

Countess Zoe had set me free.