Dance of Shadows (11 page)

Steffie frowned. “Never.”

“Me neither,” Vanessa said, while Josef explained that some students weren’t emotionally strong enough to withstand the daily stress that ballet dancers endure. But it didn’t make sense. Even though Elly had been distant in the past few days, Vanessa had never thought she was planning on dropping out. Sure, she had made a few blunders in the studio, but so had everyone else. She was a strong dancer, always trying to be better, and she was passionate about dance. So why had she left?

“This probably won’t be the only casualty of the year. NYBA is not a joke. Many of you won’t last long enough to see the leaves change in Central Park.” He clapped his hands together. “Let this be a warning to all of you.”

People began to whisper, thinking his speech was over, when he said, “Oh, and one more thing. Vanessa Adler.”

Vanessa went rigid. Slowly, she raised her hand.

“Ah, there you are,” Josef said. “I’d like to see you in my office after classes are over.”

All heads turned in her direction, and she heard a few girls muttering in the corner. Not saying a word, she nodded. While everyone else stood and made their way to the barre,
Vanessa sat for a moment, watching Josef disappear through the door.

“Why does he want to see you?” Blaine asked as they lined up.

Before Vanessa could reply, TJ cut in. “If she knew what he wanted to tell her, he wouldn’t have called her in the first place, dummy.”

“Maybe it’s because of last night in the theater,” Steffie said. “Maybe he saw us sneaking around, and you—you’re the most noticeable.”

Instinctively, Vanessa glanced in the mirror at her bright-red hair, now wound into a tight bun. Steffie had to be right. Why else would Josef want to talk to her? As Hilda began to call out exercises, the heads in front of Vanessa dipped and bobbed in rhythm, the same as every morning, except this time Elly wasn’t with them.

The rest of the day slipped away. Vanessa kept scanning the passing students for Zep’s metallic eyes, but with no luck. Even on Saturday, the halls were bustling with students. After their afternoon class, Vanessa, Steffie, and TJ caught up with Blaine, who was talking to a tall, athletic boy named Garrett. Blaine giggled as he introduced them, even though nothing was funny, then giggled again when Garrett told him in a deep, confused voice that he’d see him tomorrow.

“Is that your mating call?” TJ teased.

“Hey, at least I’m not padding up for the winter,” he said, poking TJ’s barely visible love handle.

“Back off,” TJ said, a little more irritable than normal. “Don’t you know not to tease a girl about her weight?”

“Hey,” Steffie interrupted. “Have you guys heard from Elly?”

Blaine and TJ went silent.

“I think we should talk to Kate,” Steffie said. “Maybe she has more information.”

“I hope so,” Blaine said. “Because what Josef said made zero sense.”

As they made their way to the dormitory, Vanessa slowed her pace. “Guys, I can’t go,” she said.

Steffie put a hand on her hip. “Why?”

“Josef, remember?” Vanessa replied. Before she could say anything more, Vanessa’s cell phone vibrated in her pocket. She took it out, hoping it was Elly, only to see her mother’s name blinking on the screen. Her friends looked at her expectantly, but Vanessa only shook her head.

She shrugged and backed away, when in the distance, she caught a flash of lustrous eyes. Vanessa froze, and her heart began to race. Zep. He was a few yards away, his head just visible through the crowd of students.

She lowered her hand, letting her cell phone go to voice mail as she walked toward him.
Hi Zep!
she said to herself, practicing, and then shook her head.
I got your note
, she whispered in a sexy tone, but that just sounded silly.

She took a breath and reminded herself to act natural. But just as she stepped toward him, Anna materialized, her hand reaching for Zep’s. She could see Zep talking to Anna, his face almost guilty. Anna’s pink lips were pursed in anger. She slid her hand from Zep’s and gesticulated wildly, and to Vanessa’s dismay, Zep grabbed her hand and held it.
I’m sorry
, his lips said.

Unable to watch anymore, Vanessa spun around and wove through the crowd, taking the long route to Josef’s office so she wouldn’t have to see them. What was Zep playing at, leaving her a note and telling her she looked beautiful when he was clearly still seeing Anna?

Her phone began vibrating again, and this time, she picked up.

“Vanessa?” At her mother’s shrill voice, Vanessa pulled the phone away from her ear. “Is that you? Why did it take you so long to answer?” Not sure what to say, Vanessa just stood there.

“Vanessa, are you there?” her mother’s tinny voice echoed through the cell phone. “Why don’t you say something?”

Vanessa swallowed, trying to appear calm, like someone who hadn’t just seen the boy she liked hold another girl’s hand. Like someone who wasn’t about to go see the head choreographer to be expelled from the most prestigious ballet school in America.
Expelled
, she thought, her throat suddenly dry.
Was that even possible?

“Vanessa!” her mother screeched.

“Yes, I’m here, Mom,” she said. “I had a bad connection.”

But her mother barely listened. “I’ve been calling and calling, but you never pick up. What’s going on? Is everything all right?”

“Stop worrying. Everything’s fine. I’m sorry I haven’t called you back, I’ve just been busy. They announced which ballet we’ll be performing and it’s
The Firebird
.”

“The Firebird?”
her mother said. “The same one Margaret was
supposed to be in?” Before Vanessa could answer, her mother continued. “You haven’t been cast yet, have you?”

“No, not yet …” Vanessa lowered her voice.

This seemed to cheer her mother up. “Well, maybe it’s for the better,” she said. “You need to focus on your schoolwork. How’s that going, by the way?”

“It’s fine.”

“You sound upset,” her mother said. “You know you can come home at any time. Whenever you’re ready. If you don’t get cast, we can always enroll you in the public school here. The teachers are wonderful. I ran into one of them in the grocery store the other day, and she started telling me about their freshman curriculum—”

“Mom, I’m fine here. Things are going great.”

“What did you say? It sounds like you’re walking down stairs.”

“I said things are going great. I’m—I’m going to the studio. To practice my exercises,” Vanessa lied.

“Exercises? Maybe you should take a break. Go to the library.”

“Okay, Mom, I’ll keep that in mind,” she said. After saying good-bye, she hung up. Vanessa stared at her cell phone. Still no response from Elly. Quickly, she dialed her number and listened as it rang, once, twice, three times. Then the sweet sound of Elly’s southern drawl, saying that she wasn’t available to take her call.

“Elly, it’s me, Vanessa. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. You don’t have to explain or anything. I just want to
know you’re all right.” Vanessa hesitated, as if waiting for Elly to cut in. When she didn’t, she hung up.

Josef’s office was tucked into the first floor of the main hall. The dark wooden door was cracked open when she arrived, a dim light emanating from within. Catching a glimpse of a messy desk covered with papers, she knocked. “Josef?” she said, her voice wobbly. When no one answered, she pushed open the door.

The office was unnaturally still. A thick haze hung in the air, and the pungent smell of smoke tickled her nose. The shades were drawn, barring all light except what came from an old lamp, which flickered in the corner as if its bulb were about to burn out.

Vanessa took a step inside, still holding her cell phone.

The walls were covered with black-and-white photographs of Josef as a young dancer and autographed posters from famous ballerinas. She saw a wooden filing cabinet whose top drawer was ajar, revealing a row of files. Student files, she thought. For the briefest moment she considered searching for hers, but then came to her senses. Josef could walk in at any moment. The top of the cabinet was lined with trophies covered in a layer of dust. She studied them, until she noticed a gate leading to a darkened room lined with books. A library, she thought, and out of curiosity, tried the latch. It was locked. She turned to face the desk, behind which stood a tall pendulum clock, when she realized that the smoky smell had gotten stronger.

On Josef’s desk, several odd-looking blocks of rosin were stacked beside a sketchbook and a metronome. They looked
almost like the rosin Vanessa rubbed on her pointe shoes, except these were darker, almost amber in color, and translucent. Vanessa glanced over her shoulder to make sure no one was looking, then picked up one of the blocks. It was heavier than she expected, and sticky to the touch. Pinching it with two fingers, she held it up and sniffed it.

Her nose was overwhelmed with the smoky stench of burning sap. Thrusting it away, Vanessa felt the twinge of a sneeze. She crinkled her nose and closed her eyes, willing it to pass.

“Please do not play with my things.”

Vanessa’s heart nearly stopped.

Josef stood before her, his face contorted with the anger she’d seen once before—when Elly interrupted the rehearsal.

She dropped the rosin onto the desk and backed away. “I didn’t mean to touch anything. I don’t know what was I thinking. I’m really sorry.”

Josef’s face softened. “It’s fine.” He walked to the other side of the desk. “Please. Sit.” He motioned to a chair across from his.

He waited until Vanessa had settled in before he sat down. A proper gentleman, her mother would have said.

“Vanessa,” he said, leaning back in his chair, which creaked beneath him. “Vanessa. What are we to do with you?”

“What—what do you mean?”

“I knew your sister, you know. Margaret.”

Vanessa gripped the arms of her chair. Even though she knew that Josef had to have worked with Margaret, the
mention of her name made it suddenly real. She could almost imagine Margaret sitting in the exact seat she was in now, her legs primly crossed, her eyes nervously darting to the swinging clock pendulum.

“She was a beautiful—no, marvelous—dancer. So fragile. It seemed a miracle that such a delicate creature could stir the air the way she did.”

Vanessa said nothing, even though she knew exactly what Josef was talking about. All she could think of was her sister, the way her slender ankles seemed like they were going to break every time she leaped. But somehow they never did.

“That’s what ballet is supposed to do,” Josef said, as if reading her thoughts. “To make the impossible seem possible. Your sister was almost there. She almost made us believe …” He let his voice trail off. “Ah, but of course you know this.”

Vanessa blinked, her eyes suddenly watery with memories.

“You must be wondering why I called you here?”

Vanessa gave him a slight nod.

“I’ve been watching you.”

Vanessa felt her heart drop. So he had seen her in the theater.

“Your form is perfect, you clearly have practiced all of your steps, yet when you perform them, it’s as if they’re natural, unchoreographed, flowing out of you like breath. Even your barre exercises look like art.”

Vanessa’s lips parted in disbelief. Did she just hear what she thought she’d heard?

“The legs,” he said, motioning to her muscular thighs. “The
wild look in your eyes. The hair. You dance like you’re a feral animal.” He shook his head. “You’re nothing like your sister, but you could be better. I think—” He held up his finger. “I think you could be tremendous. Frightening, but tremendous.”

His dark eyes rested on her, waiting for her response, but all Vanessa managed was a hoarse, “What?”

Josef laughed. “You do not think so?”

“No—I—it’s just that I thought you were going to expel me.”

Josef raised his eyebrows with amusement. “Expel you?” He let out a chuckle. “See? Margaret never would have said this to me. You
are
fierce.” He stood, looming over her. “But you are fierce in the wrong way. You have a passion for life, but not for dance. Don’t deny it, I can see it in your face. You don’t love it like the others do.”

Embarrassed, Vanessa stared at her lap. How could he see all that?

“The Firebird would have been Margaret’s role, had she stayed on at NYBA. I know I told the class that most of the roles would go to upperclassmen, but I’m still looking for a lead ballerina.”

Vanessa’s heart skipped a beat. Unaccountably, her thoughts flashed to Zep, his angular face, his tall, muscular form.

“Your dancing is impressive for your age, but even your perfect form cannot hide your lack of passion. In that regard, you have a long way to go before you fill your sister’s shoes. It is almost as if you don’t care.”

Vanessa sank back in her chair, all of the hope dissipating from her chest.

“But if you do, somehow, find a way to transcend yourself in the coming weeks, and let the dance fill you with the kind of passion a leading ballerina must harness within her, I would be happy to consider you for a role in the ballet.”

A role in
The Firebird
? Considering she came to Josef’s office preparing to be expelled?

“Thank you, Josef,” she said, beaming. “I—I just have a lot of things on my mind. But I can let them go; I know I can.”

“You don’t have to let them go,” said Josef. “You just have to use them. For us, life and dance are not separate. Dance your life.”

“Right,” Vanessa said. “I’ll do my best.”

“Good,” he said as she backed out into the hall. “I look forward to seeing it.”

After the door clicked shut behind her, Vanessa ran down the hall, no longer able to contain her excitement, and let out a loud “Yes!”

“Shh!” a secretary scolded as she walked by, carrying a stack of files. But Vanessa didn’t care. She ran up the stairs, trying to imagine the look on her friends’ faces when she told them what had happened.

But halfway to the dormitory, she slowed to a stop. Something was missing. She checked her bag, and her wallet and ID were there. That’s when she realized.