Damaged: An Erotic Romance Story (3 page)

“Jess?” A weak voice filtered through the earpiece.

“Yes, I’m here. Hi Jackie.” Jessica winced and rubbed her face. Mike’s Mom. That was all she needed. The knot started to expand, freezing her belly to ice. She loved Jackie to bits and they had both been a great support to each other after Mike’s death, but today she had been enjoying the first glimmer of hope that life may not always feel so difficult after losing someone.

“Oh Jess. I’m glad I caught you. I’m not able to visit Mike’s grave this afternoon, I wondered if you were planning on going?” Jackie went to her son’s grave twice a day. Personally, Jessica thought this was a little over the top. As far as she was concerned, Mike was not there; he was not anywhere any longer. But his Mom had a strong faith, and she
respected that. When someone you love dies, you do whatever you need to do to ease the constant ache from the grief.

‘Including sex with strange men.’ She thought wryly.

“Yes, yes of course I will. Are you alright?” Jess asked, concerned that Jackie was missing her visit for a darker reason suddenly.

“Of course, dear.” Came the reply. “I just have someone coming over. I’ll go and see him this evening obviously, but I don’t like him to be alone all day.” Jackie sounded distant and vague, as she had done ever since the death of her only boy. The once strong and vicarious woman had become unsure and meek. Jess felt the choking hand of sorrow squeeze around her throat. It was a familiar sensation of late.

“Will you come over for dinner tomorrow?” Jackie’s voice was tinged with pleading.

“Sure. I’ll be over around 5. Will Joe be there?”  Joe was Jackie’s husband of what seemed like a hundred years. They were a solid, loving couple and had remained so despite the tragedy that befell them earlier in the year. If ever
there were to be a poster campaign for marriage, it would feature Jackie and Joe.

“If I can drag him away from the shed, yes. He’ll be delighted to see you, love.” A shroud of bleakness wrapped around Jessica, suffocating her. Sometimes, it was harder when people said nice things. She hurried to get off of the phone and slid down the wall, cradling her knees in her arms. She remained there for a couple of minutes, fighting off the painful thoughts; Nathan now a long way from her mind. It dawned on her that
her car was still with the mechanic and she decided to walk the short distance to Sophie’s to borrow hers. The walk and the company would make her feel better.

“Hey, hey, hey!” Sophie’s loud, boisterous housemate enveloped Jess in a perfumed clouded hug. “How you doin’ gorgeous girl?”

“I’m good Katie, thanks.” Jess replied, escaping from the bouncing girls vice-like hold. “Where’s Soph?”

“Oh, in her room.” Katie rolled her eyes. “She’s got a date tonight and has shown me like, fifty different outfits so far. Thank God you’re here.”

At that moment, Sophie came shuffling out of her bedroom in a pencil skirt and blouse, arms full of clothes. “I think I’ve narrowed it down to five...Jess!” She exclaimed, dropping the clothes and waddling toward her friend to embrace her.

“How come you didn’t tell me you had a date tonight, Soph? That’s great news.”

Sophie raised her shoulders in an uncomfortable shrug. “I thought...I thought it might be hard for you.” She held out her hand to Jess “I didn’t want to shove it in your face, y’know?”

Jessica shook her head at her friend. “You don’t always have to be on eggshells around me, Sophie. I know life goes on. I’m thrilled you’ve met a guy.”

Pleased to have someone else in the spotlight for a change, Jessica sat down on the sofa ready to glean details. “So tell me about him! What does he look like? Where did you meet?”

“S’cuse me for being rude.” Katie swept in and air kissed Jess on both cheeks before blowing Sophie one. “No offence, but I’ve heard this story like, a million times. I’m off shopping.” Trailing that powerful scent in her wake, Katie bounded out of the door. Jessica gestured for her friend to start talking. With a sparkle on her face that only the
first, heady moments of lust could create, Sophie began filling her in.

“His name’s James, he’s our age. Tall and blonde, with the most incredible blue eyes. I see him in the coffee shop across th
e road from work all the time, but last week, he just walked up to me and asked me out, just like that! It was like something out of a movie. I didn’t think hot guys did that in real life.” Her face flushed; excited at re-telling the tale. Jess found herself smiling along, quite genuinely.

“He sounds perfect. Now, what are you going to wear? Because this,” Jess tugged at her friend’s pencil skirt, “is NOT suitable. You can barely walk in it. C’mon, show me the other options.”

As the morning passed with the two girls laughing and gossiping, Jessica could feel chinks of her old self waking up from the gloomy, apathetic cave it had been hibernating in. They had picked Sophie’s date outfit and were now both sat, cross legged on the couch, surrounded by a sea of discarded clothing. The contented atmosphere and rediscovered closeness she felt towards her best friend gave Jess a surge of confidence as she blurted out:

“I slept with someone. Twice
.”

Sophie’s mouth dropped as she processed the disclosure. She opened and closed it
a few times before stammering. “Wha...how? When?”

As Jessica explained the events of the past day and how much she had enjoyed them, she suddenly worried about being judged. Admonished for her behaviour. Told off for being reckless and disrespectful. But Sophie did none of those things. Instead, she walked over and knelt down, wrapping both her arms around Jess’ shoulders.

“Honey, I’m so proud of you for starting to move on. It’s a big step and it’s not about forgetting Mike, it’s about remembering him but living your life. Having fun. You deserve it.”

“Don’t you think it’s too soon?” Jess wanted an honest answer.

“If you were ready then it’s not too soon. There’s no time limit, it’s about how you feel.” Sophie grinned at her. “So we might both be getting some tonight, eh?!”

Jess laughed with relief and shoved her friend backwards.

The drive to the cemetery was more light-hearted than it ever had been before, Jessica even found herself humming along to a song on the radio. She felt as though she had a future again. Hope was an amazing beacon after so much darkness.

The view from the car park made her mood a little more water-colored however. Row upon row of headstones, some crumbling and forgotten, some reflecting pinpricks of blinding sunshine off of polished marble. Every one of them once a loved one. Someone’s husband, daughter, friend. 

Jess sighed as she got out of the car. Ashamed at herself for wishing she didn’t have to do this today. Her footsteps became leaden as she made her way to Mike’s grave. She didn’t need to look up to see where she was going; she had walked this gloomy path a thousand times. In the beginning, she would come with Jackie, the two of them physically holding each other up as their grief collapsed their knees. But as time went by, Jess began to realise that Mike wasn’t at the cemetery. He was in her head; in her heart, and therefore she could mourn him in the privacy of her own home. So she’d stopped going as much.

They had got together a couple of years after college, the two of them exploring the world of adulthood and winding up bumping into each other in a bar one night. Jess had spilt an entire beer down the front of Mike’s shirt and a year and a half later, they were living together and totally in love.

As Jess approached the grave, she was startled to see a man right beside it, sat on the grass holding his head in his hands. She knew all of Mike’s friends and family and didn’t recognise the hunched shape of this person – yet something about him seemed familiar. Not wishing to intrude but needing to sate her curiosity, she took a few quiet steps forward, squinting so she could get a better view. Just as realization hit her like a truck, the man looked right at her.

“Jessica?”

“Nathan?” She questioned, confused. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Nathan stood and brushed the back of his pants down. Red tinges around the rims of his eyes suggested he had been crying. He sniffed and wiped his cheeks roughly with the back of his hand before replying.

“This is the old friend I came here to visit.” He moved his arm limply in the direction of Mike’s headstone. “He died in a car crash at the beginning of the year. I was away when they held his funeral so wanted to pay my respects now. I didn’t want to tell you, you said you’d had enough sadness.”

Jess was a stone statue, speechless and cold despite the warm weather. Nathan – the gorgeous, anonymous man she had been having sex with, used to be a friend of her dead boyfriend. Jess felt sick.  A barrage of emotion slammed her: guilt, disloyalty and shame churned together.

“Hey, are you okay?” Nathan asked softly, moving towards her. She held her hand up in a ‘stop’ motion. The seriousness on her face was enough to bring him to a standstill.

“Are you here to visit someone?”  He probed further.

Jess swallowed. “Yes.” She said hoarsely. “I’m here to visit him.” She pointed. “The same as you.”

“Whoa, you knew Mike too?” Nathan exclaimed. “That’s so weird. How did you know him?” She closed her eyes before she spoke. Wanting to hide from the answer, wanting to make the world disappear.

“He was my boyfriend. For two and a half years. We lived together.” Jessica blurted it out quickly, like pulling off a band-aid. It didn’t hurt any less. She knew this time she would be judged and she couldn’t bear it. Sophie was wrong, it had been too soon. She was a slut, a disrespectful slut. As she slowly opened her eyes, her vision swam with tears.

“I had no idea.” Nathan shook his head sadly. “I lost touch with so many people after going away. Me and Mike, we grew up together. Lived on the same street as kids. We hadn’t spoken for years. My fault really, I isolated myself after the break up, just wanted to run away I guess.  I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. I’m sorry for your loss, Jessica.” He came closer to her and rested his hand on the top of her arm. “I’ll go so you can have some time here alone.”

Jess moved her head from side to side, refusing to make eye contact with him. “No.” She said, a hard edge to her voice. “No, I’ll go. I can’t be here now.” She took off towards the parking lot without looking back.

Back in her apartment; Jess curled into a ball on her hallway floor while her head swam. She felt as though she had cheated on Mike and been caught. Sex with a stranger was one thing, a step in the right direction; signs of her moving on Sophie had said. But sex with someone that had known Mike? No. It seemed wrong. Bad.

She recalled the conversation with Jackie earlier on the phone; Jackie had said she had a visitor, which was why she couldn’t go to the grave. Heart thudding with fear, Jess wondered if that visitor had been Nathan. Mike’s parents had lived on the same street for decades and Nathan had said they’d grown up together as children. He would know where they lived. What if Nathan had said something to Jackie? Panic rose in her, she had to know, so she dialled Jackie’s number.

“Hey Jackie.” She forced a light tone. “I went to the grave, everything’s fine. How was your day?” Jess hoped she sounded casual enough.

“Oh, it was really lovely dear, but upsetting too. One of Mike’s old childhood friends came over. He missed the funeral and was devastated, poor thing. I told him where Mike is buried, thought I’d let him go on his own. Such a nice chap. Thanks for going earlier. Do you want to come with me again after dinner tonight?”

Jess looked to the ceiling. She had forgotten about dinner with Jackie and Joe this evening. She couldn’t do it – couldn’t face them. Her stomach was full of lead after hearing about Jackie’s visitor; she just wanted to avoid everyone until Nathan had left the town so she could relax again.

“Jackie I’m sorry. Something’s come up; I’m not going to be able to make dinner. That was why I called. Rain check?”

“That’s such a shame Jess, but never mind.” Jess dug her nails into her palms at the disappointment in Jackie’s voice. Another serving of guilt layered onto the growing pile. “I’ll call you to arrange something next week then.”

“Yes. You do that. Lots of love to you and Joe.” Jessica realised she had hardly taken a breath for the duration of the conversation and hung up puffed out, as though she had just run a sprint.

She screened Sophie’s call later on that night, preferring to curl up in bed and think of nothing. She knew she was being selfish; Sophie probably wanted to tell her about her date, but Jessica knew she would ask about Nathan and she didn’t want to talk about it just yet. Still wide awake at 3am, the sliver of joy she had experienced yesterday seemed long gone.

The apartment buzzer filtered into her dream at first, but the urgency of it roused her from sleep. Bleary eyed, Jess blinked at the clock on her nightstand. Ugh, 9:30. Padding to the receiver still half-asleep, she grunted a hello.

“Jess, I’ve been out here for ages!” Sophie’s voice, tinny through the handset. “Buzz me up!” Knowing the persistency of her best friend meant she could not avoid her forever; Jess pressed the button to unlock the door downstairs and set her front door ajar, scuffling to the kitchen to flick on the kettle.

“Ooops!” Sophie giggled. “Did I wake you? Sorry, but you didn’t answer the phone last night and I was dying to tell you about James. We...” She stopped suddenly, sensing the atmosphere surrounding her friend. “What’s wrong?”