Damage Me (Crystal Gulf Book 2) (31 page)

“If I didn’t want that why would I keep letting you do it?”

“You don’t know what you want.”

“This is my life. Don’t I get a say? Mom and Bach both tell me what to do, like they know what’s best for me. But I do too. I’m not a kid. I know what I want, and that’s to help you. I need help too, Dylan. I’m just as stuck. If we get any more stuck, we might never get free. I want to be free again.” I held my hand out, my fingers trembling. “Let’s help each other.”

He stared at my hand. “Another deal?”

“Yes. Another deal.”

He ran his hand through his hair, grumbled, looked at me to stop this, and then grunted, giving me his hand. “Fine. Even though I can’t do anything for you.”

I brought his hand to my lips and kissed the back of it. “You have no idea how special you are, do you?” I kissed his knuckles, his thumb; I kissed him all over.

His frown was so heavy, so disbelieving, it broke my heart. When had anyone ever told Dylan he was special? Worth it? Important? He looked like I’d just told him I was part dinosaur. He pulled his hand free and looked away, as if he couldn’t stand to hear me say that to him.

“Can I have on your lap now?”

“No.”

I got up anyway. “Please?”

“Don’t come any closer.”

I touched his knee. “Please, Dylan?” I pressed my forehead to his. This close up his eyes were midnight, the deepest darkest blue. Our eyelashes caught, gold and brown tangling together. His warm breath, smelling strongly of raspberries, caressed my lips. “You’ll be here every time, won’t you?” I sat on his left thigh, wrapping my arms around his waist.

He sighed into my mouth, making my core tighten. “You don’t want me, Hill. Trust me. I’m the worst thing for you.” But his arms came around me, making me think he still wanted me despite his inability to have me.

I shook my head, brushing my lips against his. They were so soft, rimmed in his stubble. I wanted to take his mouth, have his mouth take me. I wanted to be taken because I was drifting on my own. “So far you’re the best thing around.” I kissed him delicately.

“I’ve done bad things.”

I kissed the tear that trailed down the side of his face. “Still the best.”

His breath caught and the pain that spilled out ripped me apart. “No,” he insisted. “I’ve done
bad
things.”

I kissed his new tears. “What kind of things?”

His hands dug into my skin, holding me so tightly it hurt. I had the feeling he was holding on to me for him; I endured the pain because he had done so for me. “The kinds of things you don’t want to know.” His eyes opened. They were raw, bleeding, pain cracking within their dark blue depths. “You know the worst part? I don’t want you to leave. I feel like I’ve been waiting for you. I want to make deal after deal with you, because when I’m with you, I’m not a piece of shit scumbag. I’m not a crappy father. I’m not a man with a broken leg. A man who got shot. I’ve been that man for so long. I don’t want to be him anymore.”

I wrapped my arms around him and cradled his head, rocking us back and forth, letting his tears dampen my skin, holding him the way he’s held me. “Deal,” I whispered, kissing the space below his ear. I twisted my fingers in his hair and held on for dear life.

Dylan thought he wasn’t worth it. I could sense his self-abhorrence, hear it in his words. He disliked himself. What if the bad things he thought defined him, were really just the bad things he’d never fought?

“I’m supposed to be comforting you.”

“You are.” I kissed him again. “Trust me, Dylan. You comfort me.”

We stayed that way, wrapped around the other until our tears ebbed and our hearts stopped trying to beat us apart. His scent and warmth encompassed me.

“What the hell’s going on?”

My spine straightened at the sound of Bach’s enraged voice.
Crap.
When I tried to pull away, Dylan wouldn’t let me. “Let go.”

“He should know.”

“Know what? That my sister’s wrapped around you like this isn’t the first time?”

Dylan’s arms increased their hold on me. “He should know that this sweet, beautiful girl is the only thing keeping me from losing my shit.”

I expected a lot of things. Anger, shouting, and maybe even a fight. Instead, Bach sighed. I heard a chair move and then his body fall into it. “We’re all losing our shit, D.”

I felt for the first time that Bach was actually my brother and not my boss. I settled against Dylan and inhaled the smell of his neck, his hair, wanting to be alone with him so I could make him forget. I didn’t have a plan, but I knew it would involve lots of kissing and possibly my tongue.

“Your mom just called. Wants to know why her daughter is hanging out around the piece of shit Meyer boy. I’d like to know the same thing.”

“Dylan makes me feel better.”

His lips found my temple.

All three of us were crumbling. Bach before I met him. Dylan probably too, but something was pushing him too far over the edge. And I had been breaking the moment I agreed to follow Zane upstairs. Three separate breaks were compounding into this silent damaging fracture. I didn’t think we had the luxury to crack further.

“Aubrey’s waiting, D,” Bach said.

At the mention of his daughter, Dylan took a deep breath, met my eyes briefly, and then nodded, hiding his cracks within his strength. I rose from his lap, took my own breath, and admitted I didn’t have that kind of strength.

“Come with me?” he asked, struggling to get his crutches under his armpits. “The kids are getting riding lessons.”

Horses? I scrunched up my nose and looked away. Horse crap, big teeth, and hooves that could crush me? Just what I wanted. “Oh, joy.”

“You’re going to be a vet. You should be excited.” Bach slung his arm around me as we walked behind Dylan. “Couldn’t help yourself, could you, Sweets? Just had to have the best friend, didn’t you?”

For the first time in days, I smiled. “You don’t sound mad.”

“I’m not.”

“Why?”

“Because who am I to tell anyone they can’t want someone else? Plus,” his voice dropped so only I could hear. “He’s gone. You are too. Harley saved me.” He shrugged. “I’m not going to get in the way of your relationship if it helps either of you.”

“We don’t have a relationship exactly. We’re not dating or anything if that’s what you mean. We’re just …” I didn’t know what we were. “He makes me feel safe. I just want to feel safe.”

“Feel safe then. And if Dylan stops working I’m here.”

I exhaled in relief. “Thank you.”

He let me go so we could follow the path in the backyard that wound around the pool house. The dry expanse of land on the property swayed, pock-marked by the occasional green weed. The dry plants tickled my ankles as we stepped within the overgrowth. In the distance I could spot a stable and barn.

“Just know one thing. You’re not like other girls. I know, because I’ve got one. When you’re ready to move on, take it easy on him. Some girls leave their mark.”

Why did both of them think I would leave? I had never wanted to be in one place more than when I was around Dylan. Although, I had to consider if they were right. What if Dylan had a point? What would happen at the end of this strange connection? If he decided he was done forgetting, where would that leave me when my nightmares were unending? The thought sent me into a dark spiral. My attack from the kitchen returned full-force, sucking me down this toxic hole. Except this time, there were children around, and Dylan was giving Aubrey that look again.

The Evans family had two saddled horses the color of cocoa. Harley’s cousins were in the middle of arguing which one would get to ride first while Aubrey chased a butterfly. There were blankets set out with coolers. Bach fell onto one and kissed Harley’s mouth so deeply I looked away. There was a lone blanket furthest from the horses. I chose that one, sitting down alone with my legs crossed.

“Daddy!” Aubrey shouted, grinning at him in her adorable yellow sundress. Her hair had been put into a pony-tail, and her eyes were so much like Dylan’s it was unnerving. Except her eyes were pure, good orbs. Dylan’s were fused with pain. She pointed excitedly. “Horses.”

“You’re not getting on them, are you?” He looked horrified by the idea.

She paused, forgetting her butterfly. She stared up at her father with a frown in her brows. “Horses, Daddy.”

“They’re dangerous, Aubrey,” Bach spoke up, giving her the same look Dylan was.

Aubrey looked at Dylan and Bach, clearly unhappy. Harley looked away, hiding her smile. I had to admit the unhappiness on her face was adorable. She looked flabbergasted by these two men.

“I’ll save you the trouble. No.” Bach glared at her, but I could tell he was fighting his lips.

Aubrey did the same, trying not to laugh. She walked over to him and pressed her forehead against his, initiating a staring contest.

“You really want to do this?” he asked, all serious.

“Do it,” she said, hands on her little hips.

“First one to laugh loses. I win you forget about the beast. You win you can take a ride. Do the honors, babe.”

“On three,” Harley announced. “One … two … three!”

“You’re going down, chump.”

“What’s a chump?” she asked.

“Daddy.”

She glared harder, probably trying to hold her laugh in. “You’re not funny, Uncle Bach.”

“You want to know something that is funny?”

“Your face?”

And just like that Bach lost. He tossed his head back and laughed at the sky, the most alive I’d ever seen him. “Brat. Fine. You win. But you’re not getting up on it alone. And before you ask, I’m not doing it. Mommy’s at work. Daddy can’t. And Harley’s wearing a skirt, so I guess you won this battle for no reason.” He gave her a fake pouty face.

She looked pissed for a second, and then she looked at me. “Can she take me?”

My heart sunk. I looked from Dylan, who thought the entire thing was either painful or hilarious, to Aubrey, who was looking at me with her sweet, beautiful face. Why horses? “I don’t mind, but I haven’t ridden before.”

“I’ll be giving lessons,” someone assured me.

I looked up to find a man. Shaggy, fair hair, sky blue eyes, and a thick country accent. His jeans were tight, and his white tank top hugged his abs.

He grinned down at me, giving me a wink. “The name’s Gage if you’re interested.”

“Interested in what?”

“Riding lessons for you and the little one. What do you say?” He dropped to his haunches, putting him at Aubrey’s eye level.

“Yay!” Aubrey tugged on Dylan’s shorts. “Cool, huh, Daddy?”

“Yeah, it’s real cool.”

I looked at him to find his eyes were cold, hard stones as they appraised Gage. He looked larger somehow. Less like a man being held up by crutches, and more like a man being held back by crutches. I bit my lip fearfully. I understood that look. The consuming rage, the overwhelming threat of someone moving in on your safe zone, and the feeling like you couldn’t breathe through the fury. His reaction confused me. So it was acceptable for Dylan to be jealous, but I wasn’t allowed? He could feel strongly, but I was confined to one emotion? I had never dealt with a man before, at least not in an intimate capacity. I wasn’t simply out of my element; I was out of everything.

“Ready?” Gage asked, holding out his hand to me.

I didn’t know what to do. I could feel Dylan’s gaze on me like heavy heated hands. Gage was offering help. Gage could be a Zane. He could a monster, leading me to more pain. I didn’t want his hand. I didn’t want any man’s hand but Dylan’s. But Aubrey was bouncing with excitement. Having no choice, I gave in, and he pulled me easily to my feet. He didn’t let my hand go, and instead used it to lead me over to a large snuffling four-legged beast that I swore looked at me like I was about to regret the day I gave in to ride him.

“First things first,” Gage said, tapping the saddle. “Put your foot in the stirrup and hoist yourself up. Don’t hesitate. Up and on.”

I watched Stacey, Harley’s little cousin, trotting happily on the back of a horse as another instructor lead them slowly around the corral. If she could do it, I supposed there was no excuse. As Gage gave Aubrey the rules, I took a deep breath, grabbed the top of the saddle and put my foot in the stirrup. With a squeak, I settled on the horse. Once atop a bolt of unease shot through me. I was high, on the back of an animal, who may or may not want to buck me off and crush me.

“My turn!” Aubrey yelped.

Gage picked her up and settled her down in front of me, and then grabbed two helmets for us both, waiting for us to strap them on. “Hold her. I’ll lead you both around.”

I wrapped my arms tightly around her little body. She held my hands, bouncing happily.

“Ready?” he checked.

“Yes!”’

“No,” I admitted. “But go ahead.”

Gage laughed and clucked under his tongue. The beast took a step. I held Aubrey tighter.

“Ouch,” she complained.

“Sorry.” I loosened my hold.

I focused on not barfing as Gage led us around. The horse snorted, making Aubrey giggle. I felt like I was in a different universe. Not an hour ago I was on the kitchen floor being drug down by this pressure on my chest. Now I was listening to a child laugh as she had the time of her life. The separation between my thoughts and reality were starting to thin. I wondered when the last time was I’d been content with my own thoughts, and if it were possible to return.

On one go around we passed the picnic blankets. Everyone waved but Dylan. He was too busy openly trying to disembowel Gage with his eyes.

“He your boyfriend?” Gage asked.

“No.” My cheeks blazed.

“Does he know that?”

“Yes.” He wanted it that way.

“So if I wanted to catch up with you later, you’d be up for it?” His baby blues winked at me.

Me alone with a man I did not know? Never again. “No.”

My tone must’ve come across harsher than I intended because Gage looked away with a nod. “Around one more time, cutie?”

“Can we go faster?” Aubrey looked up at me, pleading.

Is this how Mom felt when I asked for something? Like telling me no was harder than telling me yes? But instead, I did say, “yes,” when Mom quite frequently chose the opposite.