Damage Done (26 page)

"Now what's the matter,
dumplin'?" Savannah asked, her red lipstick frosting the edge of her
martini glass.

Rachel looked out the window, fear threatening to choke out
everything she'd wanted to say. Then she heard Lana's voice telling her,
"It's easy to hide, Dollface, that's why people expect you to do it. Not
hidin', that's the hard part. And if you ain't hidin', they know you mean
business." 

"Mother, when Daddy
left, how long did you wait before you started seeing Jameson?"

"I don't remember,
dumplin', that was 20 years ago."

"Daddy left on Christmas
my senior year of high school. And six months later, you were remarried and we
were living in this house. So, when Daddy left, how long had you already been
seeing Jameson?"

Savannah straightened
herself in her chair and set the martini on the table before giving Rachel a
hard stare, unflinching.

"Well, Rachel, your
father had been having affairs for years, so things deteriorated long before he
left that Christmas. I'd been friendly with Jameson, we just fell in love
rather quickly, that's all. What is this about?"

"Did Daddy really cheat
on you? Or were you the one cheating on him with Jameson?"

"Of course not, Rachel,
are you insane?"

"Remember when you told
me you couldn't afford to buy me a prom dress, that I'd have to ask
Daddy?"

"Well, yes, your father
never did leave us enough money to manage all of our expenses, so naturally it
was his responsibility."

"When I was in the
hospital and Daddy came to visit, my therapist had me share with him how hurt I
was that he'd never brought me the money. And he swore to me even then that he
had. It was strange, because he'd always been so quick to accept the blame for
things going wrong with y'all. And all this time, I thought he was just
covering his ass, but now I think he probably did bring it, and you just
decided to keep it."

"Rachel Kay, how dare
you talk to me that way?" she said, her eyes ablaze, "I did no such
thing, you've always been the most important thing in my life, I've always bent
over backwards to make sure you had the finest things. Of course I'd never have
denied you something like a dress to attend your prom, not if I could help it.
Your happiness is everything to me."

She must have had too many martinis already, or she'd never
have allowed herself to sound so venomous. Rachel steeled herself and
continued.

"No, you're right. You
absolutely always made sure I had the finest clothes and jewelry, that I was
the envy of every other girl in Harrison Township."

Savannah's face softened,
she nodded in agreement.

"But that's why I'm so
perplexed. You'd always complained about never having nice gowns to wear to
school dances, and you always made sure I had those things, so it strikes me as
strange that for that one event, for that one event in my youth, you couldn't
be bothered to make sure I had a new dress to attend."

"Rachel, really. Where
are you going with this?"

"Remember when I came
home with a dress, the dress Dylan bought for me so I could go with him to the
dance?"

Savannah's eyes narrowed,
the wheels turning in her head.

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember what
you said?"

"Rachel, that was a
very long time ago."

"I was so excited and I
wanted you to come up to my room and see it, and you said that Daddy hadn't
given me enough money to buy it."

She rolled her eyes
dramatically, "And so what, Rachel? Can we please get to the point here?"

"And when I told you
that Dylan had bought it, then you said that I was no better than a girl
walking the streets in downtown Houston, that Dylan may as well have just
handed me the cash to sleep with him."

"Rachel, I'm done
here," she said, standing to leave.

"Did you deliberately
keep Dylan from seeing me after he left to work with his dad?"

Savannah sat back down,
folding her hands in her lap and smirked, "Oh dumplin', is that what this
is about? I knew that seeing him was just going to bring up painful memories
for you. That boy was no good, Rachel. He had sex with you and then left you
when you wound up pregnant. Men do that kind of thing, it's time you learned to
let it go."

"No, Mother, I talked
to Dylan. He said that you and Jameson refused to let him see me, that he
called and called. He said you told him I had an abortion and was dating Brent."

Savannah's face went white
and she reached to fiddle with the cocktail napkin on the table. She was nervous,
and her silence betrayed her guilt, but she was too shrewd to deny it any
further.

"Rachel, I want to
explain something to you. You are my only child, and it was my responsibility
to protect you. Your little crush on that boy was fine while you were still in
school, but when it came time to grow up you needed to accept that you were
better than him, you deserved a man who was capable of giving you all of the
things I never had. I'm sorry if you're hurt that we kept him from you, but
surely you see now that it was all done with your best interests in mind."

"But, Mother, then you
pressured me to go out with Brent. You told me to sleep with him so I could
tell him I was having his baby! You romanticized our relationship to him, you convinced
us to elope. Remember when I was six months pregnant and I called you crying
because he'd pushed me? You told me to go apologize to him! Was it really my
best interests you were looking out for? Or was it your own? Were you really
concerned about what I needed, or were you afraid the little world you were
building would all come crashing down around you if people found out your only
daughter had been knocked up by the local Indian's kid?"

She shook in her chair, amazed that she'd had the courage to
confront her.

"Lower your
voice," Savannah hissed, "You have always been a selfish, selfish
girl. I told you it would have been better to have an abortion, but you
wouldn't do it. You'll never understand what I suffered to give you the kind of
life I never had growing up. And you will not blame me because you behaved like
a slut, or because that boy put his hands on you. That was a tragic thing that
happened to all of us, and you should want to put it behind you. You have two
beautiful children and a devoted husband who loves you. Stop digging into
things that don't matter anymore. I'm done here, you can call me when you've
calmed down."

And while Rachel sat shaking
in her wicker chair, Savannah left, Jameson calling after her from the library
to ask if she were well.

"Just a touch of a
headache, lover, enjoy your round of golf," she called down as she
ascended the stairs to her room.

***

Jake's car was in the
driveway when Rachel pulled back up to the house, he and the kids were
unloading their backpacks and heading inside. He smiled and waved on his way
in, she put the gearshift into park and sat with the engine running.

The tears flooded her face.
Her mother had destroyed her chance at being with the man she'd loved since she
was a child. She'd lied to her, manipulated her, turned her against her father.
She'd pushed her into staying with an abusive man and then convinced the
hospital to keep her locked up until enough time had passed for her friends to
stop asking questions.

And now that she'd been confronted,
she wasn't even sorry.

Was Rachel the selfish girl Savannah said she'd always
been? Was leaving Kenneth another act of self-indulgence sure to destroy her
children? Had she really expected her mother to apologize? To make her
understand?

Savannah had never given her the kind of compassion or love
she'd needed, this wasn't new. But understanding now the lengths her mother
would go to in order to secure her own happiness, at the expense of Rachel's
well-being, it was a knife in her chest. What else had she done?

The pain in her chest suffocated her.

***

The kids were in bed by the
time Kenneth made it home from work. After a long afternoon and evening of
tears and pep talks, Jake had finally departed for Mark's.

"Still wanting to love
your mother after knowing what she's done to hurt you doesn't make you crazy,
Rachel," he'd said before he left, "There are children every day who
still want to love their parents even after they've been beaten, molested,
raped. It's human nature to need your mother's love. But Savannah will never
see the wrong she has done you. She will never apologize for it or accept any
responsibility for who you are, or what you've been through. So if you're
expecting that to happen, don't hold your breath, honey."

She'd told him she planned
to leave Kenneth after the gala. He sat quietly and simply nodded his head. She
wanted him to tell her it was the right thing to do, that he understood. But he
hadn't.

"Hey," Kenneth
said when he saw her still sitting at the kitchen table.

"Hey."

"The kids asleep?"

Rachel nodded.

"Are you okay?" he
asked.

"Not really."

Silence.

He locked the door before
making his way towards the fridge, avoiding eye contact. He was good at that.

"There's pizza in the
oven," she said.

"Thanks."

She watched him pull a slice
from the box and stare quietly out the window as he stood over the sink eating
it.

"I'm going to
bed," she finally managed, unable to tolerate another night of unspoken
feelings because neither of them cared enough to open their mouths.

***

She woke in the middle of
the night, panicked by the fear she'd had a lapse of judgment, that sooner or
later she'd realize Dylan had been motivated by grief and she'd been motivated
by loneliness. But as her racing heart slowed and she adjusted to the darkness
in her room, she ran her hands over the sheets that covered her queen size bed
and felt the cool space that had gone unoccupied for so long.

Those cold sheets made her stronger, her conviction grew,
Rachel knew she and Dylan belonged together, and they would find a way to make
it work. But Kenneth would be hurt in the process, and the prospect of finding
a way to be friendly and co-parent their children in a respectful and symbiotic
way felt impossible. How could she make Kenneth see that they both deserved
more?

***

Rachel walked behind Lauren
as they entered the Steps Beyond Childcare center, she juggled pink cupcakes in
one hand and juiceboxes in the other as Lauren stopped all the other parents
making their ways in and out of the building, "Hey, it's my birthday
today, I'm four years old now."

They wished her happy
birthday and made small talk, and Rachel stood patiently when Lauren held court
in her classroom commanding her little friends to gather around as she made an
announcement. She was late for a meeting with Lana and Megan, they were waiting
for her at the office, but they'd just have to wait. Her baby came first today,
no matter what.

"Today is my
birthday," Lauren began, her hands held high to keep everyone's attention,
"I am four years old and today I get to be the boss of you."

"Lauren Ashley,"
Rachel tried not to laugh, "You will play nicely with your friends today
and share your cupcakes after lunch, and there will be no bossing anyone
around, understand?"

Lauren shot her a death glance, and waltzed over to the
play kitchen.

"That's her command
center," the teacher laughed, "Don't worry, Rachel, she's all bark."

"I'm not so sure about
that," Rachel smiled.

They chatted for a moment before she kissed Lauren goodbye
and made her way to the office.

Jake sat in his office
singing along to the radio, he was knee deep in table signs and Rachel knew
better than to interrupt him. Lana and Megan were waiting in her office,
sitting together on her sofa, and she walked in as Lana finished the punchline
to some joke, "because vibrators can't mow the grass."

Megan chuckled quietly.

"Well, there you
are," Lana whined, "I was about to call out the cavalry."

"I'm sorry, Lana,"
Rachel offered as she sat behind her desk, "It's Lauren's birthday, I was
getting her set up at school."

"You're forgiven
then," Lana said, "That little angel is a lot more important than an
old fart like me. What did she get for her birthday?"

"I found her a tiara to
wear with her dress for the gala, I'll give it to her tonight after we sing
happy birthday. Tell me what I can do for you, ladies. How are you, Megan?
How's the apartment?"

She pulled her laptop out and set it on the desk.

Megan sat up and cleared her
throat, "It's wonderful, Rachel, I love it. Thank you."

"You're so
welcome," Rachel smiled, "How's the job hunt?"