Damage Control (Valiant Knox) (23 page)

But he wasn’t here to be their friend; he was here to turn them into first-class fighter pilots. They could hate his guts all they wanted. When they got their wings and flew out into the black, their chances of surviving were that much better.

“Mia is still in the shower. She’s been in there for a while. But if you’re thinking about checking on her, there’s still one other recruit in the change room.”

Her words pulled him up short. Did she know something of his relationship with Mia? He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Not worried, because if she was going to report it, surely she would have done so already. But maybe apprehensive—the more people who worked out the truth, the worse things could end up.

“Thanks, Dawson.” Playing it cool and detached seemed like the best option.

“Sure,” she muttered, stepping past him.

No doubt the fallout from this year’s torture test was going to be worse than usual. But between Commander Yang being captured and imprisoned for a year and a half, and the fact that the CSS had well and truly infiltrated their ranks, it was more imperative than ever that he ensure the pilots he accepted into the squad were fully prepared and aware of what they possibly faced in this war.

Leigh scrubbed a hand over his face, then leaned against the opposite wall of the changing room, settling in to wait as long as it took for Mia to come out.

However, patience was one the virtues he’d recently lost. He was tapping his foot by the time the door opened to reveal the other recruit Kayla had said was still inside. She paused when she saw him, a flash of confusion crossing her features, then she saluted and continued down the hall.

He tracked her until she rounded the far corner, then pushed off the wall and walked across to the change room door, hesitating for a slight moment as he pressed the door open. Glancing up and down the corridor, he made one last check there was no one around to see the CAFF sneaking into the women’s locker rooms and entered.

There was no one in the open area of benches and a few lockers, but he could hear water running, so he crossed toward the tiled alcove where the showers were situated.

Steam rolled out to meet his boots as he stepped onto the slick tiles, but he paused before rounding the wall to the shower stalls.

“Mia?”

She murmured an answer he couldn’t hear over the hissing water. Sidestepping, he grabbed a towel from a stack in the nearby metal shelves and headed for the stalls, walking into a wall of steam.

Mia stood leaning against the tiles underneath the angled spray of a showerhead. Her skin was reddened where the water had tracked over it. With a curse, he reached over to tab the water off, the back-spray almost too hot to bear.

As soon as the water cut out, she started shivering, wrapping her arms around herself. She glanced up at him, eyes shadowed with a lingering glaze of shock as he flicked the towel around her damp shoulders.

“Sorry, I just couldn’t get warm. The water wasn’t hot enough.”

“The water was plenty hot enough, believe me.” With the towel folded securely around her, he pulled her against his chest, closing his arms tightly around her.

She shuddered violently, grabbing the front of his shirt as she pulled herself closer to him. “Leigh, it was so horrible. I thought I was never going to see you again. I thought I was going to be tortured into saying things that would betray you all. You can’t imagine—”

“I know.” He lowered his head to rest his cheek against her wet hair. “I know, because we do the same thing with each new group of recruits. I know because they did the same thing to me when I came through the FP program. It’s a baptism by fire, and I never hated the process until today.”

She raised her head to look up at him, leaving their faces only inches apart.

“What happened when you got taken?”

The distant memory of that morning had always hit him in the guts for a long time. It’d been the most terrifying thing he’d ever experienced in his entire twenty-one years to that point. But the stab of recollection had dulled, and unfortunately he’d since experienced far worse in battle.

“I suppose I was already somewhat of a leader, even back then, just like the computer-eval had reported. I tried to negotiate for them to take me and leave the other six who’d camped out in that barn with me, not realizing they’d already captured the rest of the class. All that earned me was a punch in the face and the taunt that I was worth nothing and would be worth even less by the time they were finished with me. If I hadn’t been scared before then, for some reason that threat rammed everything home. My bravado was topped off by me throwing up on the boots of my captor, which I didn’t live down for the rest of FP training. Or for years after. There are still a handful of people on the
Knox
who remember it and like to bring it up every now and then when they think I’m letting the CAFF power go to my head.”

The last of the distracted glaze left her eyes as she stared up at him, disbelief entering her expression. “You actually threw up? You’re not just making it up to make me feel better, are you?”

“Do you really think I’d make up something so embarrassing? If I was trying to make you feel better, I would have come up with something more romanticized, like I cried manly tears of frustration at the plight of my fellow recruits.”

That earned him a small laugh, ending with her relaxing into his hold and the shivers finally subsiding. “Truthfully, I can’t imagine you doing either. You always seem so in control.”

Now it was his turn to laugh, the sound hollowed with cynicism. “
In control
? Mia, since you walked in to my life, I’ve never been more out of control. Do you really think I was anywhere near
in control
that night we spent together in the jet, or when I nearly beat Robinson to a pulp for touching you? My mind, my body, my very soul are in chaos.”

Her expression shuttered, and she lowered her head again.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled.

He caught her chin and urged her to look back up at him. “Don’t be sorry for anything, because I can tell you that I’m not.”

“How can you say that?” She stared up at him, her expression troubled in a different way now. “Isn’t any of this getting to you? This is a disaster. The sneaking around and the lying, not to mention having to pretend like I don’t feel anything for you. Do you know how hard that is? How many times a day I almost slip up? How many times I’ve imagined saying
to hell with it
and kissing you in front of everyone? How, whenever anything happens, good or bad, the first person I want to tell is you?”

He tightened his hold on her. “I’m fighting the exact same impulses. You’re not alone. I’m going through the same motions each day.”

She pushed out of his hold, wrapping her fingers into the folds of the towel at her chest to keep herself covered. “Then why the hell are we doing this to ourselves? Nothing can come of this. Nothing was ever going to come of this. You’re going to be my CO, or if not, I’m going to end up somewhere that’s not the
Knox
and we’ll never see each other again. Either way, there’s no hope for us to end up together.”

“That’s not true.” Her words had lit a fire in his chest, one that was blackening his heart and spreading out through his limbs with painful intensity. “We talked about this. You can get a recommendation for a different post—”

“And truthfully, what are the chances that post will be on the
Knox
? Everyone knows if you’re not going into a specialized team like the FP squadron, how hard it is to get a post on a ship without years of other training first.”

“Hard, but not impossible.” He took a step toward her, but she backed away. He clenched his fists, locking down his muscles to stop himself from reaching for her. “Mia, I know this morning was tough, but you just need some down time—”

“No.” The single word was brimming with determination. “Its not about this morning, it’s about everything else. We should never have started down this road.”

His pulse surged, straining, as though his heart was having trouble pumping blood. “What are you saying?”

Her gaze dropped away from him. “I care about you too much and this is only causing us pain. So I can’t do this anymore. I
won’t
do this anymore.”

The heat inside him extinguished leaving him numb and cold. “Are you really sure this is what you want? Because I was willing to fight for you, Mia. To fight for us.”

She looked back up at him, sorrow in her dark eyes. “That’s the point, isn’t it? We shouldn’t have to fight for it. You ever think that while we’re putting all that energy into trying to make something work that so clearly can’t, we’re missing the universe telling us it’s not meant to be?”

He clenched his jaw, wanting to argue that sometimes the fight made the victory that much sweeter, or the battle was what made a person worthy of the prize, but he knew Mia well enough to realize she wouldn’t be swayed by hollow clichés. And he respected her too much to stand here and talk her out of the decision she’d so clearly made. If this was what she truly wanted, then he would give it to her, because at the end of the day, the thing he wanted most was for her to be happy. And if she was happier without him, then whatever feelings he had about the end of their short, not-quite-relationship weren’t important.

“Okay, Mia.” The words came out quietly, but didn’t give away the turmoil ricocheting around inside him. “Good luck with the rest of the FP program, though you don’t need luck, you’ll do fine. And whatever comes after that… I know you’ll be brilliant, no matter where you end up.”

He stepped back, and when he caught the sheen of tears in her eyes, had to turn away with a silent curse, before he caved and went begging on his knees to change her mind, to let him take care of her. Because more apparent than his weakness for her was the fact she was right. They’d already attracted attention to themselves after the incident with Robinson, and Bren at least knew he was emotionally compromised when it came to Mia. If they kept on this path, the most likely result would be the destruction of both their careers. As much as he didn’t want that for himself, he wanted it even less for her.

Though he hadn’t recently done all that much thinking with his upstairs brain when it came to her, he had to admit that he’d been arrogant enough to start believing maybe they could get away with this. She’d been right in making the call to end it because the balance of risk for her wasn’t worth it. He’d already established himself in the UEF and would mostly be able to weather it if the truth had come out. But she would be ostracized; she’d have no recourse except to take a ground posting. The thought of her down on the front with the hardened troops who held the lines, the danger she would face, it terrified him in a way he’d never thought possible. He couldn’t risk it.

He strode out of the change rooms, not seeing anything as he tried to get a handle on the smolder in his chest slowly working its way upward, charring his heart and then singeing his throat, blocking off the next breath he tried to take. Halfway down the corridor, he picked a random door on the left and slammed through it, finding himself in an empty training room, dim and dusty after only a few weeks of abandonment.

Leigh leaned back against the door, trying to force air into his aching lungs as he slid down to a crouch. It felt like someone had reached into his chest and yanked out a few important arteries, leaving his heart drowning in its own blood. He lowered his head to his hands as the burn he’d been fighting reached his eyes, making them sting.

He and Mia had never really had anything, if he was going to be brutal about it. Nothing but a couple of illicit assignations and a handful of private conversations. So technically, he hadn’t lost anything despite the yawning, dark vacuum inside him that told him otherwise.

Somehow in the short time he’d known Mia, she’d struck deep within him and he’d let her get closer than anyone in his entire life. There were subjects he’d talked about with her that had made him uncomfortable to deal with in the past. But with Mia, it had all been so easy and comfortable.

Whatever it had or hadn’t been, it was over now and he needed to get on with pretending like his insides hadn’t been lasered to a pulp.

He dragged both hands over his face, pushing away the ache in his eyes and sniffing down the tightness in his throat. With a long, slow breath in, he pushed to his feet, settling his CAFF mantle back in place and turning his mind to the debriefings and the regime for the last days of testing.

Finally back in control, he set his shoulders and stepped out of the room, leaving everything that had happened behind him.

Chapter Twenty-Four

S
he’d never thought she’d be so glad to see her bunk. Mia tiredly followed Kayla into their dorm room and went straight over to flop onto the bed. Her whole body hurt with a dull ache after spending all day walking yesterday, but her exhaustion was more mental than physical. She’d already been on edge about the sneaking around she’d been doing with Leigh—both in trying to find the traitor and their more personal moments—so the brief terror this morning, thinking she’d been captured by the enemy, had sapped what little energy she’d had left.

That kind of heart-attack-inducing fear made a person reevaluate life, and a couple of facts had become blatantly clear to her. One, she couldn’t continue her relationship with Leigh any longer, even though it hadn’t been much more than a single night together. And two, she sure as absolute hell did not want to be a fighter pilot.

As soon as she got the two final squadron profiles finished and completed FP training she would be requesting a transfer to a nice, safe, boring desk job somewhere. She wasn’t cut out to be a hero and she definitely wasn’t cut out for battle. Truthfully, now that she’d gotten a taste of it, she had no idea how Leigh lived with such responsibility day after day. Her respect for him had ballooned, while the things she shouldn’t be feeling deepened even more.

But she had to be strong. Ending things had been the right decision. What had developed between them could end in nothing but hurt. It was better to cut it off now and lessen the pain, rather than getting in deeper and being devastated when the inevitable end came.

Rather than dwelling, she rolled over and reached out to retrieve Leigh’s datapad from the drawer in her nightstand.

“Don’t tell me you’re going to study now.” Kayla’s tone was drenched with disbelief.

“I need a distraction.” She didn’t glance up as she tapped the datapad to life and keyed in Leigh’s code.

“So let’s head down to commerce level and catch a movie. Or better yet, get a beer at Harley’s. Studying is not the answer tonight, not after what we went through.”

“I’m still catching up—”

“From that one day you missed?” Kayla got up and came over to sit on the edge of her bed, expression landing somewhere between suspicious and annoyed. “Just how much extra work could they possibly have given you? Surely you’ve made up for it by now. You’ve spent twice as long glued to your datapad as anyone else.”

Yeah, the excuse was wearing thin, but it was still the best one she had. “Actually, I’m just about done. If I put in a few hours tonight, it’ll be finished and I won’t have to spend any more time looking at this datapad.”

Kayla reached out and set a hand on her forearm. “Seriously, Mia. Leave it tonight and do it tomorrow. Give yourself a break.”

It would be so easy to head down to commerce level and relax, have a few beers, take the edge off. But while she did that, the traitor could be making his next move. Despite what happened between them personally, Leigh was counting on her to get this done, not blow it off to get tipsy in a bar.

She dropped her gaze back to the screen of the datapad, feeling like she had betrayed Kayla somehow. “I’m sorry. I just really want to get this done. If I finish up soon, I’ll come find you.”

Kayla dropped her grip with a long sigh as she stood. “You know where I’ll be.”

She watched her friend walk out of the room, leaving her in peace, but with a deep sense of loneliness.

She blew out a hard breath and returned her concentration to the datapad. Once she got the program running on the last two pilots, she returned to the one she’d been stuck on for days, the one with too many holes. It had fully pricked her suspicions, but she wouldn’t go to Leigh unless she had infallible proof.

Widening the search parameters, she started checking for other information she hadn’t included for the others, like high school and hospital records. A note in the pilot’s high school files caught her attention.

Sub-Officer Nolan Lawler had been diagnosed with a rare blood disorder, which could be an ongoing issue. For a second she felt bad that such a nice guy had such a terrible disease, but then another thought occurred to her. Weird that she hadn’t seen any mention of it in his UEF personnel file. Pulse picking up slightly, she accessed the med records for various tests all candidates went through when joining the UEF.

The blood test Lawler had after joining the UEF and coming to the
Knox
showed no sign of the disease. In fact, his blood type was totally different than that listed in the med records from high school.

A shot of excited disbelief ripped through her. She tightened her grip on the datapad. Lawler wasn’t really Lawler. He was somebody else. This was it, the evidence she’d needed. She’d found the traitor. But
Lawler
? He seemed like such a dependable and unassuming guy.

Out of all the instructors, none of the recruits ever had a bad thing to say about him, and clearly he had Leigh’s trust. Her stomach churned, making her feel sick. This was exactly what she’d been afraid of. How was she supposed to tell Leigh something like this?

Switching tabs on the datapad, she pulled up the comm system to send a message to Leigh, thinking about how she should word it. No doubt as vaguely as possible, but she still needed him to realize it was crucial. All communications on the
Knox
were routinely and randomly monitored, and she didn’t want anyone to question why a recruit personally messaged the CAFF so often. But this was too important.

She typed the message with an unsteady hand deciding to get straight to the point.
Where are you? Need to see you now. Urgent.

After scooting to the end of the bed, she started tapping her foot against the floor while she waited for a reply. If he was in a meeting, it might be hours before she heard from him. The datapad gave a soft chime and a new message appeared.

Was just heading back to my apartment. Where are you?

She pushed to her feet, typing a quick message as she walked.
Dorms. Heading out now, meet you halfway.

As she reached the end of the passageway, another message arrived.
Already on the transit, wait there for me.

She arrived at the transit, glancing around the deserted passageway. Only about a third of the recruits who’d started the FP program remained, and it seemed like none of them had stayed in the dorms tonight. Maybe they’d all gone down to Harley’s like Kayla.

The transit arrived with a ding and she stepped closer as the doors opened to reveal Leigh. Though it had only been a bit over an hour since she’d last seen him on the transport that had brought them back to the
Knox
, her heart gave a little kick.

He exited the transit and crossed his arms, expression locked down.

“What’s going on, Mia?” He stopped in front of her, leaving an impersonal amount of distance between them.

Her heart gave a painful squeeze at how detached and cold he seemed toward her. But it had been her decision to end things, and they had more important issues to worry about right now. She held out his datapad.

“I found him. Running the profiles worked. Nolan Lawler isn’t really Nolan Lawler. I found blood tests that confirm it.”

If she hadn’t known him so well, she would have missed the utter devastation in his eyes before his expression hardened. “Then who the hell is he?”

She shrugged one shoulder, her heart aching for a different reason now. She hated being the one to tell him this. And in that moment, she regretted that she’d so effectively cut him off, because she wanted nothing more than to comfort him. “That I can’t tell you. But there’s no doubt he’s an imposter. It’s all right there in the files.”

Leigh skimmed through the evidence she’d put together.

“Got you, you son of a bitch,” he muttered, dark fury flashing across his features before he looked back up at her. “You came through. And now it’s time for you to get out of this mess.”

She crossed her arms. “You don’t need to tell me twice.”

He gave a short nod. “I need to get this information to Commander Yang. Thanks, Mia. I know you won’t ever get any public recognition for what you’ve done, but you’ve saved the lives of my pilots, and that’s something I can never repay.”

A surge of self-conscious gratitude at his words stopped her from replying. Instead she simply nodded and then watched as he disappeared back onto the transit with a quick wave.

So that was it. She helped him find the traitor and all she got was a quick thanks. Not that she expected any sort of commendation or reward, but after everything they’d been through together, he could have at least made his appreciation a little more personal or sincere. Although, what did she think his response would be after telling him a few short hours ago that things were over between them?

She sighed and rubbed a hand over her face, deep tiredness dragging at her now that everything was done. She was relieved at this finally being over, but a weird pang tightened her chest, because it also meant she didn’t have a reason to see Leigh outside of sessions anymore.

Now that she no longer had the shadow of espionage or an inappropriate relationship with a superior officer hanging over her head, she could give her full attention to finishing the FP program and consider what other posting to apply for once the training was over.

Except, with the end in sight and the reality that she would walk away from Leigh once and for all weighing down on her, she realized that she couldn’t imagine going day after day without seeing him, even if they couldn’t have any type of personal relationship. For half a second, she considered staying in the squad just to be near him. But then remembered the whole death-defying danger aspect, leaving an anxious chill creeping through her. No, fighter pilot wasn’t the career for her, and taking a position just because of her feelings for Leigh would be foolish and irresponsible.

Maybe her overtired brain simply needed a decent night’s sleep and everything would look lucid and clear in the morning.

With heavy steps, she returned to her bunk, quickly changing and the burying herself under the blankets, sinking into the peaceful relief of sleep.

L
eigh clasped his hands behind his back, locking himself down as he waited for Commander Yang to review the information on his datapad. He wanted nothing more than to find that backstabbing bastard Lawler and take a pound of the guy’s flesh for the four pilots that could have been killed when he’d tampered with the jets, and an extra pound or two for the times Mia had almost been killed. Not to mention the fact that they’d been more than just a CO and pilot, they’d been friends. Seb, more than anyone, was going to be devastated when he heard the news. However, instead of letting his fury drive him, he stood in front of Yang’s desk, following due process.

At last Yang sat back in his chair, clasping his fingers tightly, expression contemplative, but edged with tight anger.

“Looks like you’re right, Alpha. Lawler had to be the traitor in the squad.” Yang speared him with a knowing look. “And it’s amazing that you knew how to work the
Knox’s
systems so well to find all of this information.”

“What can I say, sir, I have hidden talents.”

“Uh-huh,” Yang returned dryly. “More like a hidden source, but what I don’t know, I can plausibly deny. So yeah, let’s just believe that you’ve got the skill to do this kind of hacking.”

“That’s very wise of you, sir.”

One side of Yang’s mouth kicked up in a grin. “So, what’s your play on this?”

“Actually, I hadn’t thought that far ahead. I brought this straight to you as soon as it came to light.” Because mentioning that really he wanted to find the guy and beat the ever-living crap out of him wouldn’t help the larger situation at hand.

Yang sat forward and reached out to tap at the datapad set in the recess on his desk, opening a comm line. “Olivia, can you get me the current whereabouts of Sub-Officer Nolan Lawler?”

Olivia confirmed, and a moment later, reported that he was in the larger gym on communal level.

Yang stood and rounded the desk. “Let’s go have a chat with Lawler before we bring Stanton in on this. We need to know who his accomplice was.”

Leigh followed Yang out of the command center and down to the communal level. Anticipation rushed hot through his veins, clashing with the ice-cold ache of betrayal, along with relief that his squad would no longer be in danger. They could finally get the answers they’d been seeking these past weeks.

In the gym, they found Lawler at the weights with two other guys from the FP squad. They all stopped what they were doing and saluted—more for Yang’s benefit than his own—as they approached.

Leigh searched Lawler’s face for any signs of guilt or subterfuge, but he appeared the same as he had every day since joining the squad four years ago. Looking at him now, however, made him sick to the guts.

“Lawler, we need to have a word.”

“Of course, sir.” Lawler grabbed up a towel, not looking the least bit worried and sent a wave to the other two pilots, before they went back to working out.

Lawler didn’t say anything as they led him out of the gym and up to squadron level. If he was worried, he certainly wasn’t showing it. But then again, he’d apparently had them all fooled for years.

Yang led them into one of the smaller ready rooms on squad level, and as Lawler walked to the middle of the room, Leigh noticed Yang locking the door with his own officer codes. Even he wouldn’t be able to get out now. Not that he wanted to go anywhere until he’d gotten some straight answers from Lawler.

“Take a seat, Sub-Officer.” Yang indicated the single large table, skirted by half a dozen chairs.

Lawler nodded and then sat, leaning back in the chair and crossing his arms. “What’s this all about?”

Yang moved to sit across from him, but Leigh was too wired to sit.

“It’s recently come to our attention that you suffer from a rare blood disorder, Lawler.” Leigh braced his hands against the edge of the table adjacent to Lawler and leaned in. “See, we’re going to have to address this issue, reassess your suitability for the FP program. I can understand why you’d want to hide something like that. It can really damage a guy’s career.”