Cyrus (20 page)
“If I try, will you?”
“Sure Bella.” I held her close and rubbed
her back.
I looked up and Cyrus smiled. He looked
tired, so tired. I reached out to feel his head.
“I’m good Tara, you good?”
“Yes,” I looked down at the little angel in
my arms.
“You good Bella?”
“I’m good. Can we look at your stuff in the
Jeep?”
“Little Bell, when she’s ready okay, we
don’t push.”
I let out a deep breath and Zandor walked
out, “How about you and I go get some sleep Little Bell?”
“I want to be brave for Tara.”
I looked down at her smiling face and there
was no way I could tell her no. I couldn’t expect something from a
child that I couldn’t do for myself, “Okay. But promise if I do
this you’ll at least try tomorrow okay?”
She smiled and shook her head yes. She
looked at Cyrus, “Go, get on it.”
Cyrus and Zandor both walked outside and I
snuggled that little girl tight. I couldn’t tell her how scared I
was. I couldn’t tell her that I was so afraid that my memories
where what kept me going and I couldn’t tell her that if I was
wrong. If they were all imagined I was going to fall apart. And I
couldn’t do that, not in front of her or anyone else.
“This is a bad fucking idea,” I looked at
Zandor and he shrugged, “No bro, you don’t get it. She might wig
out and then what.”
“She’s doing this for Bella, a kid, I’m sure
she can keep it in check.”
“No Z-- I don’t know if she’ll be able to,
and then what?”
“Look, you keep looking at her like she’s
some weak needy pile. She’s not, that girl is fucking tough,
Cyrus.”
Okay now that pissed me off, “You don’t know
her!”
“I know women C, she’s strong.”
“I know women too Z, and she isn’t,” I
snapped at him, the cocky fuck!
“You wear blinders with that one…”
“What’s that supposed to mean!?”
“Listen, you feel like shit today, you’re
moody as fuck and you’re taking it out on me. She’ll be fine. When
she’s done and Bella is ready to go to bed then you pick her up and
get her through it, that’s what you want to be for her, so fucking
be it.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to
mean?!”
“Listen, this isn’t my deal it’s yours-- but
from the outside it kind of looks like you love the girl.”
I sure as hell wasn’t gonna confirm his
suspicions, fuck I wasn’t going to deny them either but
truth
is, none of it mattered. “Not gonna happen Bro.”
When we walked in she was trying to mask the
anxiety I could see all over her, I never intended to put her
through this shit.
“Tara, give me a minute,” I set the box down
and walked into the kitchen.
She walked out and looked at me, her green
eyes were all fucking glassy, “It’s gonna hurt. But there’s nothing
but love in there Birdie, okay.” She shook her head yes, “I should
lie and say I didn’t look through everything, cause saying it out
loud makes me should like a nosey bitch but I did. Your childhood
was a dream Tara Gardner. They loved you and if you believe half
the shit Bell and I do about angels you’ve got two sittin’ up there
who have been watching you for years.”
She closed her eyes tight and shook her head
no. One little tears fell and it was like a flood over my heart.
“Look, you have friends Tara, friends who want what’s best for you.
Not fake little fucks like Tony, but the real deal. As annoying as
Carly can be to me, that girl liked you from the get go,” I wiped
her tear. “Even when she thought Jase had played with your titties
Tara, she could see the good in you. She could tell you were worth
taking a chance on letting into her little circle of people. None
of us will let you fall. We got your back now, and trust me some
days you’re gonna wake up and be pissed off that they smother you
but today, right now, while you thumb through those memories,
Little Bell present or not-- you let us hold you up, you fall into
us.” I really meant me but again I couldn’t do that to
her—ever.
She took a deep breath and pursed her lips
as she blew it out slow, “Okay, let’s do this.”
She smiled and rolled her neck like a
fighter would as the bell rang and I laughed, “You ready to fight
the unknown, Birdie?”
She smiled, “I am.”
I put my fists up and she laughed and did
the same touching hers to mine, “That’s the way you do it
girl.”
I hung my arm over her shoulder and we
walked in, Zandor gave me a look and I really hope he felt the
daggers I was shooting at him.
“I’m gonna head to the store and grab some
breakfast food. What do you feel like cooking for me in the morning
Tara?” And he was back, cocky fuck. Thank God cause this deep shit
was for the birds—
or for the Birdie
.
“Whatever you want is fine,” she said eyeing
the boxes.
I looked at Zandor knowing where his head
was at and a smirk crept up his lip and he turned and left. Good
thing too cause if he ever thought about her that way again I was
gonna fucking choke him.
“Come on,” Bell took her hand and pulled her
down in front of the three boxes I had brought.
“Start here alright?” I pulled the biggest
one in front of her, “In order.” I pulled out the pile of photo
albums.
Bella climbed on her lap, thank God she was
small for her age cause Birdie was certainly little.
Bella took the book out of my hand, “Bella,
maybe she wants to…”
“She’s fine Cyrus, really.” She looked over
Bella’s shoulder as she opened the page to her pink baby book.
“You were only five pounds and ten OZ’s.
What on earth are OZ’s?”
Tara laughed, “Ounces.”
“You were little. Oh and your birthday is in
like three days! We have to have a party!”
Bella was so excited.
Tara smiled as she watched over her
shoulder, it was almost like she was hiding behind her. I couldn’t
help myself from moving over closer to her. She leaned against me
and damn if it didn’t feel good. Not like raging hard on good
either, just good. Man I was a dick even thinking about raging hard
on's!
We went through the first book in record
speed. I wasn’t sure she had a chance to digest it all, but I
wasn’t really sure it’s what she wanted to do right now, and I
couldn’t fucking ask her either, not in front of Bella, see damn
it, women were trouble!
Bella started grabbing for another book,
“Look at the covers Bell, they have numbers. Let’s do this in
order.”
The next book was full of pictures of her
and family, tons with her Dad which wasn’t unusual, “Mom’s barely
make appearances in these kinds of things, they’re always holding
the camera.”
She smiled and quickly looked back. Lots of
firsts, no different than the books on our shelves at home. First
holidays and Birthdays and vacations. Tara’s family seemed to be at
a beach, but it was a lake.
When we got to book four, there were photos
of her at Disney, “You went to Disney!”
Tara got a little teary eyed, “I guess I
did.”
We spent a little over an hour going through
the books and then when Bella was yawning and about to pounce on
the box of letters and other photos I found I stepped in. Tara must
have been exhausted and I was, too.
“Hey Bella it’s a lifetime of stuff in here.
Let’s get some sleep and after we go to the hospital tomorrow to
see your Grandma Charlotte and if Tara feels up to it, and if she
wants to share she can okay?”
“You trying to trick me into going?”
“A deals a deal, Little Bell,” Zandor walked
in and pulled her up, “Let’s get some sleep. Tara I hope you don’t
mind but I borrowed a night shirt for Bella to wear.”
Bella laughed when Zandor held up the silky
emerald green pajama top.
Tara did too, “That would be fine.”
Zandor glanced at me trying to hold back a
smile, knowing damn well that shit pissed me off.
Bella hugged Tara, “You did a good job.
See-- you’re brave.”
Tara hugged her back, “So are you, Miss
Bell.”
Bella jumped on me and kissed me on the lips
and laughed.
“Bell what the hell…I mean, what was that
for?”
“If I get sick, I don’t have to go. If it
takes a couple days for the germs to invade, I get to miss a few
days of school and hang out with you guys,” Tara laughed at her and
she ran up the stairs.
“She is such a sweet kid,” Tara started to
stand up and I pulled her back down, a little more forcefully than
I planned and she fell on my lap.
“Sorry that wasn’t planned, but well—you
wanna talk?”
“No I really would like to go upstairs take
a bath and sleep. I have two days before I start my new job and I
would…oh God that was a lot,” she covered her face and her
shoulders shook.
I sat behind her and pulled her back against
me, “Good though Birdie. They loved you.”
“I love them, I remember them,” she pulled
forward and stood up wiping her eyes and started to walk away. She
stopped and turned as I was standing, “Are you feeling
alright?”
She walked up and felt my head, “I’m fine
Birdie.”
“You’re warm,” she pulled her hand away.
“I’ll be fine, why don’t you go take your
bath. I’m gonna warm up some soup and…”
“No sit,” she pushed me towards the
recliner, “I’m going to get you some.”
“Birdie you take care of you…”
“I want to take care of you, first,” she
didn’t wait for a response, she turned and walked away.
I was pretty sure she needed some time and I
was real sure I was feeling like nine day old unwashed desert ass
right now so I sat.
~
I must have fallen asleep for a moment
because I woke to her feeling my head again.
“I’m good Birdie.’
“Okay here’s your soup, I didn’t warm it in
the microwave.”
“Thank you,” I knew I was staring and I knew
she was feeling uncomfortable. “Go take a bath Birdie, I swear to
you I can figure out the spoon.”
She reached down and rubbed my head, “I
don’t know what I did to deserve you in my life. I don’t know if my
parents begged God to save me, or if it was just dumb luck. But
Cyrus I know that if they’ve been watching, they’ve seen a lot of
things that they wouldn’t be proud of me for and I know that from
now on I am going to make them proud. Thank you so much for all you
have done—for me.”
She cupped her little hands under my chin
and kissed me. Her lips felt as soft as I imagined angel wings
would. She didn’t pull away, she held her lips to mine and let out
the sweetest little breath before turning to walk away.
Fucking Vagina, vagina, vagina! I was
seriously concerned that my balls were leaving me and you know
what, I sometimes need to make sure they’re still there, so yeah I
checked and guess what, they were still there. Thank. God.
~
I ate and put my bowl in the sink, I grabbed
a glass of water and filled it up and slammed it. Hydration,
that’ll help me feel better. When I felt better maybe I could step
back and look at this like I should be looking at it. Clear headed,
not fucking birds chirping and shit.
I opened the door and Bella was all curled
up sound asleep. I opened the next door and Zandor was doing the
same. I felt like fucking Goldilocks trying to find a bed that was
just right, and Truth is, I knew where I wanted to be.
I opened the door and she wasn’t in bed. I
heard the shower running and immediately worried she had slipped,
it had been twenty minutes since she came upstairs. I knew this
because I watched the damn clock, every minute that ticked past to
be sure I gave her some breathing room.
I walked in and she was crouched down in the
shower with a wet towel wrapped around her crying. I turned off the
freezing cold shower and grabbed her hand, “Birdie, I thought you
were relaxing in a bath.”
“I’m not ready yet.”
I grabbed a fresh towel and wrapped it
around her, “Talk to me.”
“I’m confused,” she shook her head from side
to side, “I’m happy and sad, relieved and worried. It’s crazy, so
crazy.”
I walked her shivering into the master
bedroom and fuck if I wasn’t cold too, “You’re shaking, Cyrus.”
“You are too, come on get in bed,” She
climbed in and I lost the shirt, opting for her body’s heat
instead.
It was instant, as soon as I laid down she
was wrapped around me, making these little noises as she scooted in
closer, tighter against me.
“Talk to me,” I rubbed her back and she
started tracing the mirror.
“You talk, I’ve talked more tonight than I
have in years,” I looked down and she was all over that tattoo.
She was rubbing it back and forth, “Birdie
what are you doing?” I held my hand over hers.
“Erasing it,” she looked up at me, “I wish I
could you know, take this away.”
“That’ll never go away. It stares at me
every day.”
“Well I wish I could. Maybe if you face it
head on, like I did down there it’ll feel better.”
“Birdie it’s not just there, alright.”
“It’s what you see in you, and it’s not
true,” she rubbed lower across the V.
“Hey Birdie, you probably shouldn’t do
that,” I meant it too, it felt good, too good.
She pulled her hand up, “Truth should be
here Cyrus, your heart tells the truth.”
Now her little paws were rubbing across my
heart, and my nipples. Now Jase has nipple issues, loves his played
with enough to pierce them. I on the other hand, never dug that
until right this second, and with everything I had I was not gonna
do shit with her tonight, just hold her. Take care of my friend. My
naked as a jay bird friend who was wrapped around me rubbing on
me.
She was sensing my frustration and I pulled
her leg up further, honestly so I didn’t hump her leg like the damn
dog I was. Fuck-- she did shit to me!