Cwtch Me If You Can (7 page)

Now, the necklace clatters as it knocks against the metal of my bin. It's a satisfying sort of sound.

Looking at all the crap in my bin, I start thinking that maybe I never actually loved any of them, not really. I got caught up in the romance, but that's not the same.

I didn't feel whatever I feel for Sean for any of the others.

And if I'm being honest with myself, whatever I do feel for Sean scares me.

Chapter Eight

Without any warning, Cathy bursts into my room. She's wearing her dressing gown, and holds up two dresses for me to see. One is a little black bodycon, and the other is bright blue, silky, with white flowers on.

Cathy rarely asks for second opinions on her outfits. She's so self-confident – I've always admired her for it. So I immediately know that something is up.

‘Why do you look so stressed out?'

‘I
don't
look stressed out. Do I?' She throws the dresses on my bed and leans down to my desk mirror to inspect her face. She's frowning, so I don't think she can argue with me. My best friend takes a deep breath before picking her dresses back up.

‘Okay. Which one?'

‘Why are you getting so worked up? I thought it was just a house party.'

When she told me earlier that there was a party some guy had invited her to, and she didn't want to chill out watching a cheesy chick flick or reading Sherlock fan-fiction again, she'd been really upbeat. ‘I need a break from revision. I wake up in the middle of the night reeling off German grammar. I need a break, Alex, and you're coming with me. And don't say no, because you haven't got any classes tomorrow, and you're not working, either, so you have no excuses.'

Now, I get it.

The guy who's invited her.

That's why she's freaking out about what to wear.

‘
Ohmigod
,' I exclaim. ‘There's a guy. Spill.'

She blushes. ‘He's just a guy. I mean, a friend. You know? He just asked me because he was being polite. We were talking about revision and he mentioned that the guys in his house were having a party, so invited me. Us. That's all.'

‘Right,' I scoff, not believing it for a second. ‘So you don't like him at all?'

She laughs, throwing her head back. ‘Oh, I didn't say
that
.'

I laugh too, and tell her to wear the blue dress – it makes her boobs look good, and doesn't show as much skin as the black one. ‘Classy
is
sexy,' I say.

Cathy goes back to her room to dress, and I pick out something from my own wardrobe to wear. I doubt I'll know anyone there – I'm only really going for Cathy – and I'm not out to impress anyone, either. I go for a plain pink jersey dress with a skirt that swings around my knees and sleeves to my elbows, and pair it with some ankle boots.

I learnt after one unfortunate incident, when a girl behind me threw up, that sandals are hardly ever a good idea at a house party.

The neckline is low on my dress, and I rummage through my tangled collection of necklaces before going to Cathy's room to look through hers.

After I picked one out with a big, oval stone that's deep black and shiny, Cathy asks me to help curl her hair. She doesn't usually go to the effort, so this guy must be something special.

I stand behind her at her desk, with curling tongs, and we look at each other's reflections in her mirror as we chat.

‘I'm so jealous of your hair, Al,' she sighs. My thick, dark hair hangs in unruly waves to my shoulders. I see that it's actually bordering on frizzy, despite all the mousse I used. I'd usually straighten it, but tonight I can't be bothered. It's not like I've got anybody to impress at this party.

I lift a section of Cathy's silky blonde hair. ‘At least your hair doesn't need ten different products to keep it under control.'

We walk to the house, since it's not far away and neither of us is wearing heels, and show up around nine o'clock. The house is three storeys, tall and thin, but it's bursting with activity. There are a few people sitting on the pavement outside smoking and as we walk past, I smell that it's pot they're smoking, not cigarettes.

We push past people clustered in the doorway to get into the house, and find that the party is in full swing. There's music coming from the kitchen and different music coming from the living room, and people on the stairs either snogging or just chatting and drinking.

I don't see anybody I know, and glance at Cathy. She looks just as lost as I do.

I look at Cathy. ‘What now?'

She bites her lip, a determined look on her face, still looking around. I can guess who she's looking for.

‘Maybe he's in the kitchen?' I suggest, and she nods. We make our way through, and take the opportunity to sort ourselves out some drinks – lemonade for me, and a glass of wine for Cathy. While we stand there sipping our drinks, Cathy scans the crowd.

We don't have any luck there, or in the living room, or the dining room, but we do find him in the garden. He looks familiar, but I can't think where I've seen him. Cathy introduces us.

‘Alex, this is Simon. Simon, this is my best friend, Alex, the one I told you about.'

We say hi to each other, and Simon looks at me funny – like he recognises me as well, but can't remember where he's seen me before. I think about asking him, but Cathy puts a hand on Simon's bicep and starts telling him what a great party it is, and how grateful she is for the break from revision.

I linger for a couple of minutes, mostly silent. They talk and joke like they've known each other forever. From the way that Cathy's face lights up when he smiles at her, I decide that maybe I should give them some time alone.

In fact I feel like a complete third wheel already, and they're barely touching.

‘I'm just, um… I'm going to go to the bathroom,' I say, finally finding an excuse.

Cathy's eyes flicker back to me briefly, and I see a pang of guilt there. She feels bad that she brought me to this party and now she's ditched me for a boy. But it's okay. That's what best friends are for, right?

I'll just mingle for a while.

‘I'll see you later,' I tell her, with a smile. To Simon, I add, ‘It was nice to meet you.'

‘Yeah, you too.' He looks pretty glad that I'm leaving them alone.

I weave through the ground floor of the house, smiling at people I don't know and somehow getting into a conversation with a group of people about a band playing at the Motorpoint Arena in a couple of weeks.

After a while, I try to find Cathy again, but I can't see her anywhere.

I hope she's having a good time with Simon, if she's still with him.

I find somewhere to put my empty glass down, and search instead for a bathroom. There's one on the ground floor, but there's a long queue of people. The longer I wait, the more I realise how desperate I am.

There has to be a bathroom upstairs.

I totally understand that whoever is renting this house might not want people going upstairs, but I have a feeling they won't really mind. It's not like I'm looking for a bedroom to snog a guy in privacy, and I won't throw up and make a mess.

So I pick my way between all the people on the stairs. None of them stop me and tell me I shouldn't go up, so I guess I must be getting away with it. Which is good, because I am
busting
.

I find a bathroom on the top floor – the door is open, so I go right in and lock it behind me. Once I'm done, I open the door back up, and find someone standing on the other side.

I catch the surprised expression on the guy's face, and guess he must live here. I look away quickly, embarrassed. I feel like I've been caught by a parent or something. Like he's about to tell me off for coming upstairs.

I'm about to apologise, when he says, ‘Alex?'

I look up, startled. And say, ‘You have
got
to be kidding me.'

I don't mean to say it out loud, but it's too late to take it back. Sean's eyebrows shoot up.

Of course
it's him. Of
course
.

I should've been expecting this. I mean, I always bump into him at the most awkward times, so why not now?

All I can think to say then is, ‘I'm sorry for using the upstairs bathroom.'

Sean just laughs.

I blush, beyond embarrassed. ‘It's okay,' he says. ‘You don't look like you were causing trouble.'

‘Oh, no more than usual.' I grin, and then remember that this is a bad idea and that I shouldn't be flirting with him. But hard as I try, I can't wipe the smile off my face.

He leans sideways against the doorframe, giving me space to walk out of the bathroom. I could go downstairs, but I don't. My feet won't carry me there. Instead, I stop opposite him, under the doorframe. I have to crane my neck to meet his eyes.

As I drag my eyes up to his, I take in what he's wearing. Worn joggers that are falling apart at the hems, bare feet, and a hoodie with a school badge on that says ‘Leavers 2010'. His hair is messy and he's wearing his glasses. He's not dressed for a party.

He's not
at
the party, I realise.

He lives here. This is his house. His housemates are throwing this party.

That's
why Simon looked so familiar! He's come into Starbucks before with Sean!

If I had recognised him earlier maybe I wouldn't be so tongue-tied right now in front of Sean.

God. Just as I thought it couldn't get worse.

I try to remind myself that this is a very, very bad idea. After I made it clear to Sean that I wasn't after a relationship and rejected him, he won't be interested in me. If he were, he'd have invited me, right?

‘What're you doing here?' he asks, when I don't go anywhere.

‘My friend Cathy, she – your friend Simon invited her, and she brought me along. Only I kind of lost her, because she was talking to Simon, and I was being a third-wheel, so I left. And there was a queue for the bathroom downstairs, so…'

I'm babbling. I shut up before I say anything that will make me even more mortified.

Sean smiles. ‘I didn't realise the girl Simon was talking about was your friend Cathy.'

What's that supposed to mean? That maybe if he'd known, he'd have invited me as well, if only to be polite?

I chew on my bottom lip, because I don't know what to say.

Sean rubs the back of his neck, and says, ‘If I'd known you were coming, I'd probably have gone downstairs. Once they decided to throw a party, there was no stopping them. But I wasn't really in the mood.'

‘Why not?'

He shrugs, just the one shoulder. ‘I wanted to finish writing up notes. Revision. You know.'

‘Yeah.' I wonder if he's saying that to get rid of me, not just to answer my question. ‘Well, I guess, um, maybe I should leave you to it. Revision, I mean.'

I make my way to the top of the stairs, wondering if I should try to find Cathy again or just go home, when Sean calls my name.

‘I'm not trying to be rude, but do you actually know anyone here?'

‘What, aside from you, Cathy, and your mate Simon?' I smile, but it feels stiff, so I stop. ‘Not really.'

‘It's just,' he says, ‘I finished the notes I was working on and I was going to relax for a bit with a movie. The new
Thor
. It's not like I can get any sleep with this lot.' He makes a wide gesture, obviously talking about the party going on downstairs. ‘You could watch it with me, if you want?'

Before I can even think about whether it's a good idea, I say, ‘I love
Thor
.'

Chapter Nine

What am I doing?

I'm crazy. I've totally lost it. That's the only explanation.

Sean is clearing papers off his bed, sorting them into an open ring-binder file. His bed is against the wall, facing his desk where he's got a TV and an Xbox.

I'm going to have to sit on his bed.

I'm about to sit on Sean's bed.

It might be just to watch a movie, and totally innocent, but it doesn't matter. It's still weird. Intimate. And it's not like we're even really friends, so what does that make us? Are we friends now, and just hanging out? Or is this something…
more
?

God, I wish I knew. Sean moves the file to his desk, and loads a DVD into his Xbox. And the longer I stand in his room, with the door shut behind me, the more I start to think this is a terrible idea. If I stay here, sitting on his bed, next to him, I'm going to kiss him.

Hell, he's a good-looking guy. I'm only human.

I can't do this.

I can't get my heart broken again.

Sean must see something in my face that gives me away. ‘Is everything okay, Alex?'

Much as I want to say yes, I shake my head. ‘I'm sorry. I – I should go. I really can't do this. I'm sorry.'

‘What? What's wrong? Did – did I do something?'

‘No! No, it's not…'
It's not you, it's me
. I can't say that. ‘I'm sorry if I've been leading you on, Sean, I really am, but this is… It's too much.'

He edges closer, by just a step. I bite my lip again. I have the opportunity to hang out (and probably snog) the perfect guy, and I'm backing out. I am definitely crazy.

And maybe just a little bit sensible.

‘Alex, hey,' he says softly, ‘talk to me. You know you can talk to me.'

‘That's the thing – I
don't
know. I hardly know you, Sean. You helped me out of a tight spot and then we bumped into each other a few times. And we might've talked a lot at McDonalds, but it's…'

I trail off, feeling stupid and pathetic.

I keep thinking of all the lists I made – about why I should stop dating, and why dating Sean would be a bad idea, but now all the points on those lists blur together in my mind until I can't remember what they said.