Crushing (20 page)

I was going back to school the next day even though I knew I was going to have to answer a barrage of questions from everyone. After he had been medically cleared at the hospital, Holden had been forced by his parents to check into a rehab center. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about facing him anytime soon. Once I heard that, I felt like I could breathe normally for the first time since the attack.

I didn’t even want to think about what it would be like to have to see Gage all day and not be able to talk to him. My chest ached, and my arms and legs felt heavy as I made my way downstairs.

When I made it into the kitchen for breakfast, Dominic was eating everything my mother put in front of him. It made me laugh out loud for some reason. It was a relief to see something so normal.

“Good morning, Dom.”

He stood up as soon as he saw me and came around the table to hug me. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I should have been there. I should have known.” He pulled back to look me in the eye.

“It’s not your fault, Dom.” I didn’t understand why he was blaming himself.

“I should have known he would do something. He was my friend. I knew he’d been acting crazy, but I honestly didn’t think he would hurt anyone.”

“I know, Dom. None of us did.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I had a picture of Gage in my head. I was wrong actually. Gage had been telling me from the beginning that I needed to take Holden’s behavior more seriously.

It was a good thing I didn’t feel like eating, since Dominic had eaten everything, so we headed off to school. We had golf practice today. I wondered if Gage really would ignore me like he said. I needed to respect his wishes. I had ruined his life with my stupidity, so it was the least I could do.

School went as expected. Everyone was staring and whispering. My teachers were treating me like if they looked at me wrong, I would fall apart. I couldn’t peel Dominic or Veronica away from me. I had someone glued to me at all times. I was pretty sure Veronica had coordinated that. Laken gave me a huge hug but didn’t ask too many questions. Again Mamma Ronnie had stepped in and smoothed the way. She could be a four-star general the way she organized things and ordered people to do her bidding. If she caught someone staring, she gave them her patented death glare, and they looked away quickly. It was a little scary really.

I saw Gage a few times throughout the day. Walking in the hall and sitting by himself at lunch. He either didn’t look at me or looked right through me. I did the same. I owed him, and I wasn’t going to make him say it again. I didn’t think I could take it anyway.

I started to get the creeps when we walked to the parking lot after school. I pulled myself into Dom’s truck quickly, slammed the door, and hit the lock. I closed my eyes and tried to take deep breaths. Dom took one look at me, threw it in gear, and floored it out of the lot.

Golf practice was relatively unpleasant. I couldn’t keep my mind on the game. The creepy crawly feeling that had started in the parking lot at school continued. My chest felt like someone was sitting on it. I had forgotten to take my meds what with everything going on, and I could tell the difference. I really wanted to go home.

When we were at the driving range, it was crowded, and I felt like everyone was staring. Gage was there a few tees down acting like I didn’t exist. I never felt like this except when I woke up from a nightmare. This whole afternoon was like waking up from a nightmare and not being able to shake it. Everything seemed like it was in sharp focus and unreal at the same time.

I was trying to concentrate on hitting the ball, but my heart started beating really fast. I felt like I couldn’t get a deep breath. I stepped back and tried to get ahold of myself. Dom had gone to refill our ball bucket and grab us something to drink, so I was alone at our tee. I sat down on the low wall behind me and put my head in my hands. My breaths were coming fast, and my head was pounding. This didn’t feel like asthma normally did. My whole body was shaking.

“You need to breathe slower. Where is your inhaler?”

My head shot up. Gage was standing next to me. He had his sunglasses on, and he was looking out onto the range.

I pointed to my bag.

He went and got it out of the pocket of my golf bag.

I was afraid if I opened my mouth I would vomit. Not the image I wanted to present.

He made an impatient sound and kneeled down next to me. He put his sunglasses on the top of his head. “Here. Use this just in case, but I think you’re having a panic attack. I’m going to get the coach. Breathe slowly, please.” He narrowed his eyes at me until I nodded obediently and used my inhaler.

He jogged over to Coach Cliff and seemed to speak quickly. Coach glided over to me without looking like he was hurrying, although he was. He knelt down next to me and started asking questions. Gage was standing behind him looking out onto the golf course. Dom came from around the corner with the bucket and drinks. As soon as he saw me, he started running. Gage put his hand out before Dom could get to me.

“The coach has it under control, Rossi. Can I talk to you, privately?” Gage nodded his head in the direction of the empty putting green.

Dom paused. He looked over at me. I could tell he wasn’t sure if he should leave me alone. I knew he felt guilty that he hadn’t been there when Holden attacked me. I was breathing slower and starting to feel a little better, but I still had this ugly feeling in my stomach. I nodded at Dom while I tried to answer Coach’s questions.

Dom and Gage moved off to the putting green. I could see them, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying.

“Miss Atherton, do you want me to call your parents?” Coach asked.

“No, the inhaler helped, but I think I’d like to go home, if that’s all right,” I said when I was sure I wasn’t going to throw up on him.

“I think that would be a good idea. Did you drive yourself here?” He looked concerned.

“No, Dominic drove. Can he take me home?”

“All right. I’ll allow that if you call your parents first and let them know what’s going on.” He gave me a very parental stare. I think he knew I wasn’t planning on telling them about this little incident. Sigh.

I was feeling a bit better. I was trying to keep an eye on what the boys were doing. They seemed to be speaking intently. Dominic was nodding to whatever Gage was saying. No one looked angry, so I guess that was good. I got up to get my phone out of my bag while I was trying to covertly watch them. Gage reached his hand out to shake hands with Dominic. Are you kidding? I felt like I should look up in the sky for pigs with wings.

My mouth must have been hanging open because I heard Coach Cliff say, “What is that saying about making strange bedfellows?”

“I think it’s politics,” I murmured. I watched as they started making their way back to us. Dom reached over and patted Gage on the shoulder.

“Yes, well, teenage romance, politics—same thing.” He chuckled.

I really wanted to glare at him. He was a nice man though, so I gave him a pass. I was glad someone was entertained. None of this was even remotely amusing to me. I dialed my mom. If I called my dad, I’d have to go to his office so he could “check me out.” No. Way.

I gave her a very brief summary of what happened. She would be waiting for me at home, and she insisted on speaking to the coach. I noticed Gage walking the other way.

Dominic had just walked up as I passed the phone over. “Hey, you doin’ okay?” He rubbed my arm.

“Yeah, I just want to go home. I think it was a bit much today.”

“Sure, Ror. We’ll go.” He grabbed my bag and went to get his.

Coach came back with my phone. “Miss Atherton, you are to go directly home. Please take it easy, and I would like you to take the rest of the week off.

“Thanks, Coach.”

Dom came back, and we made our way to his truck. I didn’t see Gage anywhere. He seemed to have disappeared. His car wasn’t in the parking lot.

I waited until we got into our neighborhood, but I wanted answers.

“What were you and Gage talking about?”

“It was nothing. No worries.” He obviously did not want to answer me. “You feelin’ better?”

“Do not change the subject, Dominic. What did he say?”

We pulled into my driveway, and he turned his truck off. He was looking out through the windshield.

“You’ve made your choice, haven’t you? It’s him.”

My whole body went cold. I didn’t want to hurt him.

“It’s over. He doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

“But that doesn’t matter. You’re in love with him.”

I looked down at my hands folded in my lap. Could I be any bigger of a jerk if I tried? Probably not. I wanted to say I was sorry, but I knew it wouldn’t be enough. I couldn’t fix this.

“Dom, I care about you. You’re my best friend . . . I—”

“You’re going to say I’m a nice guy next, right?” He looked away. Obviously pissed.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“It’s a little late for that. You should have told me I didn’t have a chance.”

“No, that’s not true. I just didn’t know. I was stupid. I’m sorry.”

“You should probably go in now, Rory. Your mom’s going to be worried.”

I got out of the car, and he never even looked at me. He backed out of the driveway and roared down the street.

I was just ruining lives left and right. I should be banned from going out in public. Now I had lost both the love of my life and my best friend. I had known this would all end badly. I just didn’t think it would involve the police, court cases, and panic attacks.

When I got inside, my mom was fussing all over me, and my dad was on his way home from work. Ridiculous. I told my mom I was going to go take a nap. I wasn’t really going to. I was tired because I hadn’t been sleeping, but naps except on Sundays just made things worse. Once a week was okay. More than that and it messed me up. I just didn’t want to answer a million questions.

I fussed around in my room for a while. Tried listening to music, watching TV, and reading. Nothing worked. My dad came in after a bit and listened to my lungs. He tried to talk to me, but he ended up leaving looking a little more worried than when he came in. I was a plague on everyone.

I went outside to stand at my balcony railing and look out over the golf course and the ocean. It had been dreary out for the last couple of days, which was perfect. It suited my mood. It was supposed to rain later. The ocean was all churned up, and the wind was really starting to blow. I sucked in the fresh air. Normally, I loved weather like this. I wished it was enough to relieve the unrelenting sadness of my heart.

I heard barking and looked over to the beach walkway. Bailee was jumping around by my back gate. She turned circles and was wagging her tail. I saw Gage then. He didn’t even look as he walked by. I heard him say quietly, “C’mon, girl. Not today.” He never even looked at my house. He just kept walking.

I went back inside and lay down on the bed. I curled up on my side. I felt like my soul was being crushed inside my body. Why did this hurt so badly when I was trying to do the right thing? I loved him so much. I couldn’t believe it took something terrible happening for me to figure it out—and then it had been too late. And on top of it, I had hurt Dom. Everything I had been trying so hard to prevent had happened, and then some.

My body heaved, and I felt like I was going to throw up, but I didn’t cry. It was so much worse this time. I thought when Gage moved away, it had been awful, but that had nothing on this. It was like my whole body was just dried up and withered. I felt empty and cold.

I got under the covers, but I just couldn’t get warm. I got what I deserved.

My parents insisted I stay home from school the rest of the week. Apparently I was “overwrought.” Whatever—they were probably right. After my little public display of panic, I didn’t want to deal with anyone anyway. I stayed in bed on Thursday and watched TV and tried to sleep, but I mostly stared at the ceiling or out my window.

I went into Charleston with my mom on Friday. She wanted to have a “girl” day with me. She took me to the spa to have a facial and a massage. We did lunch, and she dragged me from clothing store to clothing store before we were meeting my dad and brothers for dinner. Normally I would have loved a day like today, but I couldn’t seem to relax. I was still a little on edge, and it seemed frivolous in the face of everything that was going on.

We came out of a store on King Street and ran smack into Nathan Elliott. And behind him was that weird friend of his, Wilson. He was just sort of lurking there. No expression on his face. He gave me the creeps.

“Rory, Phoebe, good to see you. How are you both?” Nathan smiled, but his eyes were tired, like he hadn’t been sleeping. I knew a little bit about that, since I saw something similar in the mirror this morning.

“Very well. Thank you so much, Nathan, for all you did for Rory while we were out of town. I don’t know how it would have gone if you hadn’t stepped in.”

“Of course. No problem at all; my pleasure.” He nodded to my mom but kept glancing at me.

My mom caught on before I did. “Rory, I’m just going to pop into that boutique next door. I saw something I want to get Nana for her birthday coming up. Meet me in there?” She moved toward the store. “Lovely to see you, Nathan.” She patted him on the arm as she breezed past.

Nathan looked behind him at his friend. Wilson nodded and moved off down the street a ways to look in the shop windows. Obviously to give us some privacy.

“So,” he started. “How are you really?”

“I’m fine. I’m worried about Gage. Is there anything I can do?”

“No, I think the lawyers are doing whatever they can. Try not to worry.”

“But it’s my fault.”

“No, Rory, Holden attacked you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I should have been more careful. Gage warned me about Holden, and I didn’t listen.” Maybe Mr. Elliott could help me. “Gage won’t talk to me.”

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He looked like he was trying to decide whether or not to tell me something. “I’ve tried talking to him, but you know what he thinks, right?”

“He said something about coming from bad. He was talking about turning out like his dad?”

“Yes, he thinks he has inherited bad blood from his father. And honestly, the article in the paper didn’t help.”

“What article?” I hadn’t heard about this.

“It came out the day after Holden attacked you.” He reached into his briefcase and handed me a newspaper. “It revisits my sister’s murder and points out the fact that Gage has a violent history.”

I reached out, and my hands started to tremble. The headline of the article was in huge bold letters.

Is the Violent Maddox History Repeating Itself?

Son of Murderer Is Detained in Alleged Assault Case

Pictures of Gage and two adults I assumed to be his parents were under the headline.

“Oh no. I’m so sorry.” This was causing so much pain. “That’s horrible.” I actually didn’t know the whole story. I was waiting for Gage to tell it to me himself, but that wasn’t going to happen now.

“It’s not your fault, Rory. I think he’s more damaged than anyone realized. He always said he didn’t remember anything from the time of his mother’s murder, but now I’m beginning to think he’s been lying all this time.”

“I want to help. I have to make this right, Mr. Elliott.”

“Nathan, please, Rory. Well, if I think of anything, I’ll let you know. He has separated himself from everyone now. Even me.” He looked away and sighed. “I wish my dad was better. His grandfather always seemed to be able to get through to him when no one else could.”

“I know he knows how much you care about him.” Gage’s life was so full of sadness.

His face was grim. “I hope so. Please don’t give up on him. I know he wants to keep you away from what he thinks is his horrible past coming back to haunt him, but I think he needs you more than ever now. Don’t let him push you away.”

“He told me not to call or text him, and he ignores me at school. I’m not sure what to do.”

“Well, maybe we’ll have to think a little outside the box then.” He grinned a little. “I’ll let you know.”

“Thanks.” Maybe there was a little more hope than I thought. Nathan was a smart, successful man. He could come up with something.

He rubbed my arm. “I’ll see you.”

“Bye.” He moved off down the street, and Wilson fell into step next to him. Why did Nathan hang out with that guy? He was so weird. They weren’t at all alike. Nathan was so charming and outgoing. This guy was a creeper. Huh.

I went into the boutique to find my mom. All I really wanted to do was read the article, but I knew I would be invading Gage’s privacy. Whatever he wanted me to know, he could tell me himself. I threw it in the trash when we walked out of the store.

We had dinner together as a family. My brothers and parents worked hard to make me laugh and to entertain me. Even Enrique seemed to be in on it. My sushi came with a smiley face in eel sauce. I must have really looked depressed.

I was trying to enjoy myself. I really wanted them to stop worrying about me, but my mind was elsewhere. Ever since I spoke to his uncle, I couldn’t stop thinking about helping Gage. Even if we couldn’t be together, I needed to fix this. Gage could not go to jail because of me. He didn’t have “bad blood.” That was ridiculous, and I needed to prove it.

I needed to figure out a way to get him out of this mess. I couldn’t just sit back and let him get into so much trouble for something he had done to protect me.

Just then I had the niggling of an idea in my head. Maybe it would work. I needed to play my cards just right, but if I did, it could solve more than one problem . . .