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Authors: Cora Brent

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FOUR MONTHS LATER….

EPILOGUE

CONWAY

If love looked anything like smoke then I would have easily choked to death in this wall to wall parade of the shit.

As soon as the thought crossed my mind I scolded myself for such nasty feelings. Feelings like that had no place here. There was love everywhere at Chase and Stephanie’s wedding reception. Cord was standing on one side with his wife Saylor and their two little daughters. Creed was on the other side with his wife Truly and their newly adopted baby son. Chase couldn’t stop kissing his pregnant bride. And then Deck and his girl Jenny danced in each other’s arms even though there was no music that I could hear.

I sat alone. Chase had offered a spot for the date of my choice but I didn’t want to clog up his wedding guest list with some dumb girl I didn’t give a shit about. Deck had made me transfer to the local high school since I was living with him and his fiancé. I didn’t put up a fight because I would have been an ungrateful ass not to act like I was doing at least the bare minimum when they were good enough to take me in. But my heart wasn’t in it. Funny thing about school though; the more I tried to make myself invisible the more girls draped themselves across me like static cling. Mostly I gave them what they wanted and earned a few minutes of ecstasy that blotted out the pain. But when it was over I could barely look at whatever girl I’d just fucked. Whoever she was, she didn’t matter to me.

The only girl who’d ever mattered was underneath some dirt in the Emblem Memorial Cemetery.

I didn’t go to Erin’s funeral. I never visited her grave. It seemed there was less and less of her every day as I rejected all memories, good and bad. I didn’t hold her responsible. But I had no place to put all the love that was attached to her so I let it die.

Cord’s little daughters - my nieces, though no one knew it - ran past with shrieks and flowers. The sight of their linked hands made me smile. Two joyful little spirits, born to be best friends. My smile fell away. I hoped to god that life wouldn’t take them from each other.

Deck was watching me. He did that a lot. He hovered, like a dad, like he knew that was what I needed even though I usually brushed him off. I gave him a slight wave with my index finger to let him know I was all right. He nodded but still looked anxious. Pretty soon he and Jenny would probably come back to the table and urge me to eat, try to get me to smile. I loved them for that, for trying. I’d do my best to cooperate, even if was just for show. I owed the whole Gentry family at least that much.

Usually I managed to avoid reflecting on the terrible events that had brought me to where I was. But tonight, in the middle of all this agonizing family tenderness, I couldn’t help but think about it.

The triplets had been the ones to find me on Main Street the night of the accident. They said I’d been screaming. They said I’d punched a light pole. I knew it was true because I’d worn a cast on my hand for six weeks and it still hurt to make a fist.

That was the night that took Erin from me forever.

That was the night my mother washed her hands of her sons for good.

That was the night Stone was hauled away in a police car because the law said he had to pay for what he’d done.

I had to take everyone else’s word for the way things had gone down because I didn’t remember much. Everything about those last few weeks in Emblem, the last few weeks of childhood and of happiness, now has a hazy quality. If I squinted I might be able to see a little more clearly but I didn’t want to. The agony was already bad enough as it was.

The judge who’d sentenced Stone was unusually harsh because he’d lost a niece to a street racing crash. Stone wouldn’t be offered parole for at least four years.

Deck hadn’t been surprised when I told him that Stone was really his half brother. I only told him because I thought for sure that if he knew he’d go out of his way even more to keep Stone alive down there in that prison. I’d never gotten around to telling Stone about the things our mother said. Knowing about it now wouldn’t do him much good where he was. But if Deck really had the kind of connections that everyone said he did then he also had the power to make sure Stone didn’t get hurt while he was locked up down there with all the murderers and the freaks. I didn’t tell Deck that was the reason. And even though Deck had asked me if there were any other secrets he ought to know about I wouldn’t say a word about Benton. Not to him, not to the triplets who still thought they were just my cousins. I didn’t even react when I heard my real father, Benton Gentry, had died a few weeks ago. Everything I’d ever heard about him told the story of a terrible man I was lucky to never know.

“Thought you looked like you could use a bite to eat.” The voice was cheerful and very southern.

I looked up to see two beautiful Gentry women – Truly and Saylor – offering me a plate of cake and sympathetic smiles.

“Thanks,” I said gratefully and managed to smile back.

“How are you doing, Con?” Saylor asked as her hand brushed my shoulder in a maternal way.

“Can’t complain,” I answered breezily but it didn’t fool either of them. Truly and Saylor exchanged a sad look and then grew artificially cheerful as they started talking, mostly to each other, about how I should stay at Saylor and Cord’s house for fall break in a few weeks. I played with my fork and bobbed my head as if I agreed it was a good idea.

“Cord could show you the ropes in the shop if you want,” Saylor suggested. She was trying to be nice, so even though learning about tattoos at Cord’s shop didn’t interest me at all I pretended it did.

Truly Gentry, Creed’s wife, was staring at me. Without warning she reached over and gently lifted my chin. “Hold your head up,” she said tenderly. “There’s no telling what beautiful things wait for you tomorrow, sweet boy.”

Once they were back on the other side of the room with their husbands and their children I reached down to cup my hand over my left pocket ever so briefly. It was still there. Stone’s latest letter. I still hadn’t read it. Of the first seventeen years of my life I’d never spent a day away from my brother. Now it had been four endless months since I’d heard his voice. Chase tried to get me to ride down to Emblem for visits but I just couldn’t. It’s not that I hated Stone. That wasn’t even possible. But I couldn’t forgive him either. Every night before I closed my eyes I thought maybe the next time I opened them I’d have the guts to face my grief. And my brother. But that day hadn’t come yet. Maybe it never would.

One night when I’d only been living in Deck’s house for about a week, he found me on the back patio, staring up at the moonless sky as a cigarette burned between my lips. I didn’t know what kind of urge had led me to walk to the corner convenience store and buy a pack. I wasn’t a smoker. Stone was the smoker. I hated the taste and the smell.

Deck was an intimidating sight, even strutting around in boxers at midnight. With all his muscles and tattoos he had the look of a man who was anything but gentle. He just stood at my side and waited while I puffed on the cancer stick without inhaling before giving up and snuffing it out on the concrete. Deck might look scary but he had the kindest voice when he wanted to use it. He used it then. I’d often thought of the words he said to me that night in the dark, even though I couldn’t quite make sense of them yet.

“I
know
,” he’d said earnestly, “I really do. When you lose love you can’t imagine you’ll ever remember how to love again. You don’t even want to. But that will change, Conway. It will. And you’ll find yourself looking for that love even though you may not even realize you’re looking.”

I couldn’t remember what I said in return. Probably nothing. Deck was a wise man. But he wasn’t able to tell me how to get through all the days in the middle so that I could finally come out on the other side at least halfway healed. Maybe there was no advice for that. In any case I suspected my healing moment was still a very long way off.

No one else can put me back together. I don’t even know if I can do it. But even in my darkest moments I have to hope that someday I’ll be whole again.

I have to hope that someday I’ll have the courage to see my brother again.

I have to hope that someday I can figure out how to love again.

Because as I sit here at this wedding and watch these people with all their happy perfect imperfections I understand something I’d never realized before. Love and hope are the glue that holds us together, body and soul. We need the people we love as much as we need to breathe. Without them, we just drift. If we’re lucky we don’t drift forever.

That might have been what Deck was trying to tell me, that I wouldn’t be drifting forever.

I hoped to hell he was right.

(NOT) THE END

BECAUSE….

THE BOYS WILL BE BACK!!

WALK: A Gentry Boys Story

(Coming May 18)

You know that if you had any honor you wouldn’t take her.

But honor is something you lost a long time ago….

1513

The number of single lines you carefully scratched on a piece of college ruled notebook paper at each sunrise.

1513

The number of days you passed in a locked cage, surrounded by fierce men who did things even worse than what you did.

1513

The number of nights spent staring at the ceiling praying for just five minutes of freedom to talk to your brother. The brother you love more than anyone on earth.

The brother who hates you even more than he hates himself.

The number of moments it took for a tragedy to unfold and change lives, end lives, destroy lives.

The number that represents isolation, a loneliness worse than any prison sentence.

The number of girls who show up in your life and try to crack through the iron shield you’ve built around your heart these past four years.

One girl and her name is Evie. Beautiful. Stubborn. Passionate.

You know that if you had any honor you wouldn’t take her.

But honor is something you lost a long time ago.

Add to your Goodreads TBR:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/28671552-walk

EDGE : A Gentry Boys Story

(Coming July 26)

You live fast, you crash hard.

I’ve seen it happen.

I expect someday it’ll happen to me.

My brother insists I have a death wish. He thinks if he tries hard enough, loves me well enough, he can save me from myself. But doesn’t understand me anymore, doesn’t recognize that I don’t have any wishes left.

I only wake up in the morning to greet the rush.

Sex. Speed. Danger.

All part of the same endless appetite.

At first Roslyn didn’t seem like the type that would satisfy me. Snobby, boringly mainstream, and part of a past I’d kill to forget, I should have just tapped that tight package and called it a day.

Instead I’m going to take her on the ride of her life. She just doesn’t know it yet.

Add to your Goodreads TBR:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/28671553-edge

Gentry Boys Series

CROSS: A Novella (May 2016)

WALK (May 2016)

EDGE (July 2016)