Crimson (70 page)

“It mattered then,” Elinor said, “because I knew I would have to speak to Billy about it. I had to make him realize, his danger the danger for all of us. But in order to do that, he would have to admit his folly to me, and to himself. I knew it would be almost impossible, but I had to try. I was too depressed to talk to him when I got back from London that evening, and anyway, he wasn’t home when I returned, exhausted, at ten an hour before the pubs closed. Neither was Buzz.” She looked at her friend.

“Remember, you were spending your summer holiday with us $Wfings and had gone to a church whist party that t? So I went straight to bed. But I was woken just ‘j”6fore midnight…” Elinor’s eyes closed. She could almost. hear the slow, ponderous stumbling as Billy pulled himself up the stairs, and the high-pitched, unearthly sound that had wakened her. She had leapt from her bed and run to the landing. A dishevelled Billy stood halfway up the stairs. His right hand clutched the fluffy white nursery cat by its hind legs; it was the cat’s anguished, terrified howls that had roused Elinor. Billy’s other hand was stretched out to Annabel, who stood frozen in fright only a few steps above him.

Annabel said quietly, “Yes, I remember. Daddy Billy was tormenting Snowball. And you pulled me away and told me to go back to bed and stay there. I heard noises, but I was too frightened to leave my bed again.”

“That’s what I wanted,” Elinor said.

“What happened next was my secret and I thought that if no one ever knew about it, then it wouldn’t be true, that it never really happened, you see.

“But it did happen, of course. Ag soon as Annabel was gone, I grabbed the cat from Bit,y’s hand. As I did, he reached out, clutching at me. His hand caught in the lace on my nightgown, and he pulled me towards him. I smelled brandy on his breath. I felt his anger, his belligerence; I knew in that moment that I had to be free of him. I couldn’t live with his lies and my disgust and the fear always the fear. Fear that he would hurt you girls. Fear that others would know the truth. And perhaps the worst fear was that he would be taken away from me and imprisoned.

“In that moment, I made up my mind. With all my strength, I pushed him away from me, down the stairs. The lace on. my nightgown tore as he fell backwards, but he didn’t manage to pull me with him. I watched as he stumbled and grasped for a hold but missed it. I watched his

bloodshot eyes as they opened wide with the realization that I wanted him to die. For a moment, I almost felt sorry for him. For a moment, I thought of the wonderful man I had fallen in love with, and regretted what I had done. But it was too late.” Elinor paused once more, remembering how Billy had crashed downstairs, turned a final half somersault then landed on his b—k, his eyes closed.

She shook her head sadly.

“I had seen plenty of dead men; I was sure he was dead. I didn’t want to touch him. I decided that the sensible thing to do was to leave him lying in the hall. I remember that my mind was very clear, that for once in my life I felt completely in control. I decided to forget reality and rewrite the entire scene in my mind, then memorize it according to my new script, hoping that in time it would be the only version I’d remember.” Elinor recalled that she had stared at Billy and felt relief, fresh as a sea breeze playing around her head. She had drawn a deep breath and allowed herself the luxury of her true feelings; for just a few moments, she allowed herself to hate Billy for what he had done to their marriage … Miranda leaned back in her chair-and shook her head, still trying to understand why it was so important for them all to hear this story. Puzzled, she asked, “So you just went back to bed?” Elinor shook her head again and said with difficulty, “No. As I looked at Billy … his eyelids slowly opened.” Once again she forced herself to remember the terror she had felt as Billy’s pouchy, red-veined eyes glared maliciously at her. “Just you wait,” he croaked, and then started to vomit. As she stared down at him, Elinor, homified, also thought of the many times she had had to clean up Billy’s mess before someone else saw it. She remembered the many times she had dutifully tended him and served him.

And for one bewildering moment, Billy’s malicious stare fraged her of something else, something buried, a memory she had thought long forgotten. Her as if a storm were raging inside it, whirling her theughts around like fluttering and panicking birds. For as s eyes stared up at her, Elinor felt again the total “Billy”

“despair and helplessness she had felt when her father looked at her with the same contemptuous malevolence.

Violent rage. suddenly consumed her. She wanted to howl to primitive gods, for she felt cheated: she had grasped at release, she had acted in vengeance, she had been granted her freedom but now it was being snatched back … “What did you do, GranT Miranda persisted.

Elinor started, blinked, and looked in a dazed way at the four faces around the kitchen table. She said quietly, “I ran upstairs and grabbed a pillow from my bed. Then I rushed downstairs and … I held it over Billy’s face.” The pillow had hidden Billy’s angry eyes as he heaved in protest. When his body started to jerk and writhe in its final struggle, Elinor called on a reserve of strength she had never known she possessed, holding the pillow over his face with the entire weight of her body. Gradually Billy heaved less, until only his arms, protruding beyond the pillow, twitched occasionally. Eventually all movement ceased.

Elinor said, “I don’t know how long I stayed that way. I remember I didn’t remove the pillow until the grandfather clock struck one.” She had stood up wearily, her body suddenly drained of all strength, and looked with distaste at the vomit-smeared pillowcase. She removed it from the pillow; she would have to wash it. She felt perfectly calm.

Clare’s kitchen was completely still as the women sat in stunned silence.

Finally Elinor spoke again.

“I was terrified that Annabel might have heard something, might even have seen me … do it.”

“No,” Annabel said, “I saw nothing. I just remember that 6oo 6oi

yowbrought Snowball up to my bedroom, and the gardener took him to the vet the next morning.”

“After I put Snowball in your bed, I stayed until you fell asleep,” Elinor’said.

“Luckily, Buzz hadn’t wakened her bedroom was at the far end of the house, over the kitchen quarters. I remember very clearly the calm with which I sprinkled a bottle of brandy over Billy’s body, washed the pillow, then repaired the tear in my nightgown as best I could.

“I lay in bed, awake nearly all night, terrified of what I had done, longing to wake Buzz but afraid to involve her in what was … a murder.” Elinor looked slowly around the room, her eyes resting briefly on each face, searching for some reaction.

Clare thought fleetingly of the gil ver-framed photograph at Elinor’s bedside and wondered how, every night, Gran could have slept beside that smiling face, knowing that she had killed him. Then Clare realized suddenly that the bright-eyed young man in that photograph was the perfect husband Gran chose to remember; her carefully crafted fantasy had blanked out the debauched, middle-aged drunkard the bully she had murdered.

Buzz said, “I can’t say I’m sorry, Nell. Billy was a vicious blighter; he tried to bugger up everything you tried to do for them kids. In my view, he died because you had to protect them from him.”

“That’s what I tell myself,” Elinor murmured.

“But I also know that I … did what I did … to protect myse6r”

“I still reckon Billy deserved it,” Buzz said firmly.

“Poor darling,” Annabel said.

“You must have been scared stiff.”

“No,” Elinor said.

“At first I was too angry to be scared. I didn’t care if they caught me although, in those days, you were hanged for murder. Later, of course, I was frightened, and that fear has never really left me. I’d tremble heart would thump every time I saw Sergeant on bicycle up the drive on what, thank God, always ““‘turned out to be some trivial matter.” She looked at Buzz.

“I longed to talk to you about it. I never dared. I was terrified of telling anyone. But I’ve always wondered whether..

Slowly Buzz nodded.

“Yes. I knew.”

“How?”

“I got back fairly early from the church social and was asleep before eleven, so I woke at six that morning and went downstairs to get a cup of tea. I actually found Billy before the maid came downstairs. And I saw the one thing you had overlooked a piece of your lace nightgown still clutched in Billy’s hand. I pried it loose and burned it, so no one would ever know.” Miranda said urgently, “Why are you telling us this now, Gran, after keeping your secret for so many years? As you once told me, everyone is morally entitled to guard their privacy to protect themselves.” Elinor looked levelly at her.

“Because I want you all to see and see me acknowledge the danger of self deception And perhaps I can only truly admit this to myself, and absolve myself, by telling you who have seen how destructive it was for us all. That and my deference.

“I hope each of you now understands how important it is to trust yourself and stand up for yourself; I should have done so earlier. I should have confronted Billy or left him; I would have managed somehow, I would have stood on my own two feet but I didn’t trust myself to try.” She looked around the table, then said earnestly, “If, at the beginning, I’d made it clear to Billy that I wasn’t going to put up with his self-indulgent ill-treatment, then perhaps it wouldn’t have escalated as bad behaviour always does when it’s unchecked.”

“I know what you mean,” Clare said, thinking of Sam.

Buzz said soothingly, “Well, now we all know what “happened, I see no reason ever to mention it again. It’s all ‘in the past.”

“The past is always a part of the present,” Elinor said.

“And these three must never forget it.” Clare pushed her chair back, hurried around the table to her grandmother, and. hugged her.

“I’m proud of you for facing the truth at last.” Earnestly Miranda said, “I’m proud of you, Gran, because you’ve always fought and survived, all your life. Although you’ve never believed it, you’ve always been capable of looking after yourself. You never needed anyone to protect you, Gran you only thought you did.”

After a moment, Annabel said hopefully, “And now we’ve all learned to stand on our own two feet, haven’t weT Miranda sighed.

“It was an expensive experience.” Quietly Elinor said, “All profitable experience is expensive.”

“Not as expensive as the folly of misplaced trust,” Clare said.

“Talking of which,” Miranda said ruefully, “there’s certainly one thing that we’ve all learned at last…”

“Oh yes.” Clare sent her a wry smile.

“We’ve finally realized that ..”. Daddy doesn’t know best.”

Liberty: freedom from arbitrary or despotic control; the power to do as one pleases; the power of choice; independence; the quality or state of being free.

As always there are many people whom I wish to thank for their kind help in getting this book before your eyes, and the person to whom I’m most grateful is my kind and considerate “Mission Control’, Nikki Man waring.

In New York, I much appreciated the hard work of Michael Korda, Chuck Adams, Jack McKeown, Sandi Gelles-Cole, Victoria Meyer, Frank Metz, and Sandi Mendelson. I am also, as always, grateful to my agents, Morton Janklow and Anne Sibbald.

I must also thank the Laurey Girls Agency, who took so much trouble to obtain temporary typists who could read my handwriting in particular I appreciated the charm and ability of Maria Dubow, Ronald Colon, who provided the typewriters, and Anthony J. Barbaro for his banking expertise.

I am also grateful to Judy Licht, Paul Smirnoff, John Parsons, Judy Tygard, Christine Tomlinson, Bob O’Brien.” Carol Ann Sullivan, and Catherine O’Shea of TV Channel 5.

In Los Angeles I must thank Bill Haber, Joanne Brough and Judy Hilsinger; in Canada, Richard Pearce.

In Britain, as always I am grateful for the patience, understanding, and cheerful support of my British publishers, William Armstrong and Peter Carson, as well as George Sharp and Jacqueline Graham-Pelham; I would also like to thank Debbie Gill, Jenny Page and Dido Armstrong for their help. In Monaco, I would like Nikki Man waring, Nicole Proetta

and Kristina Gonzales de Linares to know how much I appreciated their organization, typing, enthusiasm, attention to detail and general support. I am also very grateful to Roselyn Haudberg, Jane Dubuisson, Suzanne Proetta, Mary George, Paula Whittam, Eva Cleydon, and Diego Gonzales de Linares for their help in producing the manuscript.

I was lucky enough to have the final manuscript read and criticized by Geraldine Cooke, Pete Williams and Dr. Georges Sandulescu.

I must also thank Maurice Baird Smith, who taught Miranda to fly, and Gill Brooks of the Cannes Flying School; Ariane Davies-Gilbert, who gave Elinor her Elizabethan candied flower recipe; Elizabeth Barker, who was Miranda’s stockbroker; Wendy Williams, who designed the garden at Starlings; Ian Melrose, who advised Mike on his motorbikes; Alexander Plunket Greene, who gambled with Adam, and Annie Trehearne, who advised Miranda on fashion and publicity.

For professional advice on legal matters, I am indebted to Sir Patrick Lawrence, Charles Chatwin, John Dewhurst, Charles Doughty and William Easun. For advice on accounting and finance I am grateful to Richard MacLellan, Stephen Ainsworth and Peter Alexander; for advice on Lloyd’s I am grateful to David Larner; for advice on business procedure I was lucky enough to be helped by Jennifer dAbo and Jonathan Bevan.

For advice on fraud, I much appreciated the advice, sagacity, and wit of Walter Wally White of the Fraud Squad. For medical information I am grateful to Dr. John Cardwell, Dr. Dennis Friedman, Dr. Jonathan Gould, Dr. Margaret Reinhardt and Marion Symes.

For technical information on the First World War including advice on nurses” underwear I am most grateful to Malcolm. Brown, as well as the Imperial War Museum and the RAF Museum at Hendon. I am also grateful to Tvor Williams and John Bryant of the League Against Cruel Sports and Nick Symes for his musical advice.