Crimson (11 page)

Elinor was simply unable to resist the temptations offered by Billy. And of course, she did not dare resist, although she now felt bitterly ashamed of the physical desires of her body and her willing capitulation to Billy’s domination. With some success, she made excuses to herself. I didn’t want to do it, but Billy made me do it, and he’s my husband, and I must obey him.

Tom between her pleasure and the resultant shame, Elinor felt her guilt steadily grow. And increasingly Billy manipulated, dominated, and exploited her.

Hidden beneath his apparent sophistication lurked the little boy who enjoyed pulling the wings from moths. At in, Billy was still a bully who found pleasure in dom ion

Sometimes in the street Billy asked Elinor if she had noticed some young girl’s fine eyes or long legs. Aloud he wondered what it would be like to caress her. He enjoyed seeing Elinor’s jealousy, which she thought she hid so well, as he developed these erotic daydreams.

What he said he would Eke to do to the girl, Billy later did to Elinor, whispering further erotic details as he touched her. He told Elinor that both men and women fantasized in this way.

“Stop being a stupid farm girl, and acquire a little more sophistication in these matters,” he ordered.

And Elinor acquiesced. Against her will, she became fascinated by his erotic fantasies, and eventually she willingly collaborated in this sensual playacting. Then she looked forward to it, as an alcoholic looks forward to feeling his senses swim when his brain abdicates after the first few drinks.

Billy continued to be openly flirtatious and did little to conceal his occasional infidelities from Elinor; the worse he behaved, the more submissive she became, for she was now so completely insecure that she was terrified of losing him. Whatever was wrong was her fault; whatever was wrong she must make right. Obsessed by Billy, she had become addicted to his love.

Also obsessed by jealousy, Elinor wanted to know nothing of Billy’s amorous sorties, and yet perversely she longed to know every detail of them. She knew that Billy would obligingly provide these details, that he would both torture her and satisfy her craving but he always made her ask for them. Always, in the end, she did.

It became a game a game that Billy obviously enjoyed. He would ask her

what she thought had taken place between himself and the lady in question. He would have Elinor state her anxieties in specific detail, occasionally interrupting her jealous visions by murmuring remarks such as “You mean you suspect I did this to her.” And then he would touch Elinor’s body in the way she had described.

Eventually the game itself became a passion for Elinor, the passion an obsession. There lurked behind the game, however, the secret fear that one day one of Billy’s street girls, or one of the schoolgirls, or one of the society beauties he met, would unexpectedly gain as slavish a hold over him as he had over Elinor.

In fact, Billy’s passing physical thirsts were quickly slaked and as quickly forgotten, but he took care that Elinor should not realize this. Slowly she built up in her imagination the figure of her husband as an irresistibly attractive, potent, and all-powerful man.

Billy would now rarely tell Elinor that he loved her. He liked to keep her in a permanent state of anxiety and jealousy, so that he could make her do anything he wished. Elinor longed for the words that she -now seldom heard. It was essential that Billy love her. And of course, it was essential that she love Billy, because this assuaged her feelings of guilt about enjoying sex.

Elinor was also terrified of losing Billy because, like so many women of her generation, she felt inadequate, unable to face life without a man, no matter how badly he behaved. She had no money of her own and would be unlikely to get even domestic work, accompanied by a small baby. Like most other women, she was totally dependent upon her man, and so never allowed herself the luxury of reacting with anger to his bad behaviour.

But one morning, as Elinor did the dishes after breakfast, she suddenly found herself shaking Billy’s breakfast mug in a fury. The previous night, Billy had stumbled home, late and drunk. While undressing, he had knocked a photo frame to the floor and then accidentally stood upon ap it; this had smashed the glass and torn the only picture of her mother that Elinor possessed.

As, enraged, Elinor shook the mug, she suddenly realized, with cold horror, that Billy could make her feel as anxious and muddled, as miserable and worthless, as she used to feel after a strapping from her father.

But Billy was not the inescapable tyrant of her childhood! Billy was Elinor’s husband, chosen by her. He was her beloved … wasn’t he? Bewildered by the sudden violence of her emotion, Elinor made herself a cup of tea and sat at the kitchen table. For almost an hour, she stayed there without moving as the cup of tea cooled before her. For once, she considered Billy’s behaviour towards her without rationalizing it. She did not mentally suppress his cat-and-mouse cruelty and remember only the charm he had shown during courtship. Instead, she asked herself why both Billy and her father could make her feel the same dragging unhappiness.

Suddenly Elinor could no longer refuse to admit that she had indeed chained herself to another bully one who would darken the rest of her life. Her saviour had become her tormentor. And with that realization came tears that burned with pain. Elinor put her head on the scrubbed wooden table and sobbed until she was breathless and her eyes were so swollen that she could hardly see.

Lifting her head, she pulled herself together. Billy was her husband, and Edward was her son, and this was her life. She had no choice but to go on.

She turned her face away from the reality that she couldn’t bear to the romantic vision of Billy with which she had fallen in love. Last night’s drunken oaf was not the man she had married. The real Billy

was the handsome, - 85 charming hero in the photograph at her bedside. He was having a difficult time at the moment because he had been forced to take a job that wasn’t good enough for him. “Of course he had reason to be upset. She would push all unpleasant thoughts out of her mind and focus only on helping Billy. Surely, in time, things would get better, life would improve. Of course it would.

The next ten years were difficult for Elinor, as she saw less and less of ‘the real Billy’, and her husband’s drinking increased.

More and more, she found it necessary to justify and to compromise. Bewildered, she found it hard to understand what was happening to her life. She wondered miserably whether she was doing all she might to help Billy, because everything would be all right and their life would be happy if only Billy didn’t drink.

Sometimes Elinor also wondered whether, as Billy often said, his drinking was in any way her fault. If so, how had she disappointed him, as he repeatedly accused her of doing? And she wondered too why she could never -stick to her ultimatums. Why did she always believe that Billy would change simply because he always promised to do so? He never did.

Elinor never knew when he would be home for meals, or whether he would be home at all. Eventually she learned not to count on Billy for anything, neither his presence nor his absence. If, thinking Billy safely out of the way, she invited a friend from her polytechnic class to her home, Billy invariably staggered in and insulted the friend. Elinor, who didn’t like to embarrass people, gradually stopped inviting anyone -home, except Buzz, who was impervious to Billy’s bad behaviour.. On the few occasions when Billy not only was sober but did not have a hangover, he was so defensive that Elinor was rarely able to, discuss his drinking.

Edward, a pale, quiet child, kept out of his father’s way as much as possible. He was a self-contained boy, who seemed able to communicate -almost wordlessly with his mother, much to the irritation of his father. He had a gentle and sensitive nature, although he had inherited his father’s impressive, wide-shouldered physique and was clearly going to be tall and strong. He also had his father’s untidy strawlike hair and neat features, though after -Edward’s nose was broken in a football game Billy wouldn’t allow the boy to have it reset, because it made him look tougher: Billy was exasperated by his son’s lack of obvious manly qualities and his preference for nature study to sports.

Some aspects of their life together remained normal. Billy still saw Joe Grant, who had married his boss’s daughter early in 1929. Elinor still saw Buzz regularly. Buzz never said, “I told you so.” But one summer Sunday evening, after Billy had been particularly abusive to Elinor in front of Buzz, the two women went to the cinema. As they reached the Kensington Odeon, Buzz quietly asked, “How much longer are you going to put up with Billy’s rotten behaviour? For the rest of your life?” “Don’t tell me I ought to leave him. It’ll spoil our outing.”

“But why.? You’ve got the guts and the gumption we all saw that in the war but where’s your backbone gone? I’ve never undersiood why you don’t just get up and leave Billy.”

“It’s not that simple.” Elinor shook her head.

“Don’t say that! Why don’t you stop inventing obstacles? Why don’t you decide that next time he’s a bastard, you’ll just walk out of that front door! Nell, you ain’t got a hero to save you. No woman has. You got to save yourself I “I know you mean well,” Elinor said as they entered the Egyptian magnificence of the theatre foyer. The fantastic grchitecture reminded her of her childhood daydreams of Wng a changeling, when she hoped that one day she would be swept off to become an adored princess. Now her forlorn hope was that one day her fairy prince would turn back into a fairy prince, that one day Billy would see how destructive his behaviour was; this pathetic hope enabled her to five with him, as did her equally pathetic insistence on seeing Billy through rose-coloured glasses.. As they entered the darkness of the auditorium, Buzz added, “You used to have a mind of your own before you married Billy, but now you can’t seem to make any decision for yourself.”

“Do we have to discuss that aga in?” “At least you used to know when Billy treated you like a doormat. Now when he treads on you you don’t even notice! You almost apologized to him this afternoon when he’d finished criticizing the meal.” .

“Be fair, Buzz. Billy isn’t violent; plenty of husbands are; but Billy’s never lifted a finger against me…” “No, only his tongue: he’s beaten you black and blue with that.” Elinor said, “I know I’m short on selfconfidence, but Billy means well.” V don’t think Billy means well,” Buzz said.

“I’ve watched him smash your selfconfidence. That’s not a well-meaning thing to do.”

“Billy only criticizes me to be helpful. He means to be kind.”

“There ain’t no such thing as being cruel. to be kind! People like Billy are cruel to be cruel! Don’t mistake that for loving kindness.” Buzz fit a cigarette.

“I can’t think why you don’t leave him.”

“Because he loves me he does really!”

Buzz snorted.

“A funny sort of love! I can see that you love him you make endless

sacrifices for that rotter. And like all doormats, you do it because you secretly wish that’s what he’d do for you! Nell, I know you fell in love with Billy. I was there, remember? He was a charmer a girl would’ve had to be made of stone not to take a shine to him. We all watched him when he turned his charms on you, and we was all a little jealous. So I know, Nell. I know why you fell for him, and I know how. What I don’t know, and what I don’t understand, is why you can’t see that the Billy O’Dare we met and fancied then is not the same man you’ve got to go home to tonight.”

“But Buzz, he loves me. I know he does.” Buzz paused.

“Maybe he does, Nell, I can’t speak for him,” she said slowly.

“But I can say that his love ain’t enough any more. Not the way he treats you. And don’t you deny it. Yes, maybe in his own twisted way he does love you, but again, Nell, it ain’t enough! What’s gone, and what you’ll never get back, is the romance he used to win you over, and that’s what a woman needs. It’s an important part of a woman’s life, and men just don’t understand it, or respect it, for that matter. They think it’s silly. But it ain’t, and when it’s gone, it leaves a void. I know.” Buzz realized suddenly that she’d allowed her voice to rise enough to attract the attention of others in the cinema. Besides, they were still standing in the darkened aisle, both a little startled by the passion in Buzz’s plea. Selfconsciously they sat in the nearest empty seats. Mellifluous, soothing music rose from the cinema organ, a warning that the movie would soon be starting. Struggling to lean forward from the depths of the crimson plush seat, Buzz couldn’t resist raising one other important point.

“And just how long do you think you can stand Billy’s boozing?”

“I can’t stop him. I can’t do anything about it,” Elinor said miserably.

“But Billy’s always sorry in the morning. He always promises he’ll change. I’m sure that one da go he’ll really mean it.” Often a repentant or badly frightened Billy had promised that he would stop drinking. The sad thing was that several times he had seriously tried to stop.

“One day pigs’ll fly,” retorted Buzz, who knew that hope can be destructive where, in reality, there is no hope.

“You know I couldn’t leave him! Where would I go? And what would Edward and I five on?” “You could leave him,” Buzz said quietly.

“You could get some sort of a job; you could be a waitress or a shop assistant. After all, Edward isn’t a baby now he’s nine years old, and at school all day. You could both sleep in our front parlour until you got yourself sorted out. Ma wouldn’t mind.” Elinor shook her head.

“No, I could never leave Billy. He needs me. “She could not imagine life without him. “Look, this is my night out. Please don’t let’s talk about this any more.”

It was still light when Elinor hurried home. As she put her key in the front door, she hesitated. It sounded as if Billy had company.

In the living room, she found nine-year-old Edward, naked and with his head hidden under a black top hat, sitting on a table. He was gurgling with laughter. In his hand, he held a tumbler containing an inch of green liquid.