Crazy Beautiful Love (13 page)

“I’m not going to
tell you.” She shook her head and stepped away from me.

“I see the way you
are.” I adjusted myself and stifled another groan. “So tell me about your last
boyfriend.”

“Are we going to
do this now, then?” She looked at me with a question in her eyes, and I wanted
to tell her no. I didn’t want to think about her with anyone else. I didn’t
want to picture her lips kissing another man’s cheek, her hair trailing along
another man’s face, her fingers running through another man’s hair, her eyes
adoring another man’s presence.

“Just curious, but
if you don’t want to,” I shrugged, “no skin off my back.”

“It’s fine. I’d
like to share with you, if you’ll do the same.”

“So who’s the last
guy you dated?”

“Brandon Howell
III.” She laughed. “His father was from Texas and in oil. And he loved steak.
Like, really loved steak. Every date we had was in a fancy steakhouse.”

“Nice.” I smiled
weakly, not wanting to hear about Brandon Howell the Third, jerkoff of
steakhouses.

“He was tall,
about six feet, with a really nice body. He went to the gym a lot. He had blond
hair and blue eyes. His mom was from Sweden.” She babbled on and I already
regretted getting into this conversation. I really didn’t want to hear about
her perfect ex. “He just graduated from UT Austin, and he is starting the MBA
program at Penn in the fall. He’s not that smart, though, so I’m not really
sure how he got in, but I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that his father donated
a few million to ensure he was accepted.”

“Nice.” I knew I
sounded irritated, but I couldn’t help it. The more she spoke, the more I
realized that this could go nowhere. I couldn’t take her anywhere fancy, I’d
never be able to buy myself into a grad program. Shit, my brother wouldn’t even
be able to go to community college next semester if I didn’t come up with a
plan to make some money.

“Sorry.” She
looked at me, worried. “I know that was too much information. Basically we
dated for about two months and then I found out he had a cocaine problem and I
dumped him.”

“I see. Did you
sleep with him?”

“We messed
around.” She looked down. “Though we never had intercourse.”

“Do you still talk
to him?”

“Not really, but
he does call me every now and then to hang out.”

“Okay.” My voice
was short and I turned away from her to look at the sunflowers. The warmth of the
sun on my face soothed me a little bit as we stood there in silence, and I was
thankful Maddie didn’t try and ask me what was wrong. I was overwhelmed with
unfamiliar emotions, and I was already worried enough as it was. I really
didn’t need this additional stress. But somehow standing here calmed me. I felt
like my mom was looking down from heaven, telling me to just relax and take it
one day at a time, like she used to when I was a kid. I turned to Maddie and
smiled. “When I was a kid, my mom always used to tell me that I looked like I
had the weight of the world on my shoulders. And that one day, if I wasn’t
careful, the load was going to be too much to bear and I would collapse. She
always said if it starts feeling like it’s too much, just look around you,
Logan. Just stop and go somewhere and look around you. And then, for a moment,
everything will seem manageable.”

“Is that why you
like going to fields?”

“And to the pier.”
I nodded. “I love the ocean, it reminds me of myself.”

“Oh?”

“The ocean is deceptive.
Some days it looks calm and peaceful, and other days it looks dark and murky.
Yet you never really know what’s going on underneath. What are the currents
like, the undertow, the waves? I feel like I’m the ocean to a lot of people,
they don’t really see me. They see what they want to see.”

“What do most
people see?”

“People see me as
dangerous and stay away, and I don’t mind that. Sometimes, there are people who
see me as dangerous but like the thrill of danger.”

“You mean girls?”

“Yeah.” I nodded,
thinking of all the girls I had dated who liked me just because of who they
thought I was. How I hadn’t cared how they saw me, they were disposable and
weak and stupid.

“But what about
those who see you the other way …”

“There aren’t any
people who see me that other way.” I laughed harshly. “Aside from my brothers.”

“I see you the
other way.”

My heart stilled
at her words. The words I knew to be true. Maddie saw me as someone other than
the town’s bad boy. But I didn’t feel as overjoyed as I had earlier. There was
nothing I could give Maddie.

“All I will do is
bring heartache and trouble to your life, Maddie.”

“I can deal with
trouble.”

“You don’t need to
be involved in trouble.”

“You don’t know
everything about me, Logan.”

“And you don’t
know everything about me. This will never work between us.”

“I thought we were
just friends.”

“We are just
friends.” I sighed. “But that’s all we can be.”

“Even though we
both like each other?”

“Like is a fickle
emotion, it will fade.”

“Can you tell me
why you just won’t give me a chance?”

“I’m not good for
your life, Maddie. Nothing good can come of this.”

“Can’t I decide
that?”

“If it was just
you and me,” I sighed. “But we have a history. There’s a history that none of
us can shake, I’m sorry.”

“Do you trust me,
Logan?”

“Yes.” There was
no hesitation in my answer. I trusted Maddie as much as I trusted my brothers.

“I trust you as
well. I’m not going to ask you again about what my dad did and why you hate him.
I think you’ll tell me when you’re good and ready. And that’s fine. But I’m not
cool with the hot and cold game. You can’t tell me you like me in one instant
and then tell me that you’re no good for me and we’re never going to work out.
Do you hear me? That’s not going to fly.”

“I don’t know what
you want from me, Maddie.”

“Let’s give it a
fair shot, can you do that?”

“I don’t
understand why you care so much.”

“If you don’t have
any interest in me and you don’t want to see me, then fine. I’ll move on.
You’re not the only guy in the world. I’m sure there will be someone else I
don’t have to beg to date me ...”

“Are you asking me
to be your boyfriend?” I cut her off, not wanting to think of her with another
man. “Aren’t I a bit old for you?”

“You’re twenty-five,
not thirty-five.”

“I’m a twenty-five-year-old
loser, and you’re a twenty-year-old with the world at your feet. You can do
anything you want, Maddie. You can be anyone you want. Go explore the world. Go
save orphans. Go and become a feminist for women’s rights. You don’t get stuck
with someone like me, I’ve seen what it does to someone.”

“Are you talking
about your mom?” she asked softly and I nodded. “Can we sit down?” She grinned.
“My legs are a little tired.”

I turned around
and crouched down. “Get on my back.”

“Wait, what?”

“Get on my back,
I’m going to give you a piggyback.”

“No way, Logan.
I’m too fat for you to carry me.”

“You’re not fat.”

“Well, I’m not a
little kid.”

“Shut up and get
on,” I commanded her. “I’m going to take us to a clearing so we can sit or lie
down.”

“I can walk
there.”

“No, you’re tired.
Get on my back and don’t say another word.” I felt her arms slide around my
neck as she gingerly got onto my back. I stood up and she wrapped her legs
around my chest.

“Are you sure,
Logan? You can put me down if I’m too heavy.”

“You’re not heavy
at all, you silly girl.” I started walking and continued back with our
conversation. “And yes, I was talking about my mom. She had her whole life
ahead of her before she got caught up with my dad.” I sighed. “She wasn’t rich
like you or anything, but she was smart and beautiful and she could have done
anything she wanted.”

“I know.” Maddie’s
voice was soft and I stopped walking for a moment.

“What do you mean?
You know?”

“My mom told me
that your mom was the most beautiful girl in school. And that she had the longest
blonde hair she’d ever seen in her life.”

“Your mom knew
her?”

“Yeah, they were
friends.” Maddie’s voice was hesitant. “Best friends, I think.”

“I didn’t know
that.” I frowned at Maddie’s words. How could I have not known that?

“My dad was in
love with your mom for years,” Maddie continued. “I don’t know if you knew
that. He was heartbroken when she dumped him.”

“What?” I almost
dropped her as the words ripped out of my body. “What do you mean, she dumped
him?” I was frozen inside. How could my mom have dumped him? They had never
dated before.

“Your mom and my
dad dated for a few months before she dumped him for your dad.” Maddie sounded
surprised. “I thought that was why you may have been annoyed with my dad.”

“That’s not why.”
I continued walking until we came to the clearing and Maddie slid off my back.
She had a slightly worried expression on her face.

“Maybe we
shouldn’t talk about this. I thought you knew.”

“I had no idea.
Tell me more.” My eyes focused on her face intently. “Please.”

“Well, there’s not
much to tell. Our parents were best friends. My mom loved my dad, but my dad
loved your mom. Your mom loved your dad. When she dumped my dad, my mom and dad
started dating, but my mom was so jealous she stopped talking to your mom. And
basically that was the end of the friendship. My mom says she has always
regretted the friendship ending like that, but she never really knew what to
say. When your mom died, she cried for a few weeks straight, and she told me everything.”

“I never knew.” I
shook my head. Had my dad known that mom had been dating the mayor before he
had stolen her away from him? And why had Mom never said anything? She knew
about the trips to Manor Road, yet all she had ever said was that people paid
for their sins.

“That’s when I
started looking for photos of you and stuff,” she paused. “She wanted to see
what you guys looked like. They had always talked about when they got married
and had kids, but they never got to share it together. My mom felt responsible
for trying to make your mom see reason about your dad.”

“See reason about
my dad?” I frowned.

“Well, you know.
Being a criminal and all that.”

“My dad was a good
man.” My voice rose. “My dad wasn’t born a criminal. He was going to go to
college. He was going to be someone. My mom didn’t make the wrong choice.
Your…” I was shouting and Maddie placed her hand on my arm.

“Please, Logan.”
She bit her lip. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry. I don’t know your dad.
I’m just saying that my mom regrets what happened with your mom when they were
in high school.”

“My dad loved my
mom.”

“I’d like to meet
your dad.”

“That’s not a good
idea.” I shook my head vehemently.

“I’d like you to
meet my dad as well.”

“Another bad
idea.”

“I think he’d like
you.”

“I’m sure he would
love to hear that you’re dating Logan
Martelli
.”

“So we’re dating?”
Her eyes blazed into mine and I nodded.

“If you’re willing
to give it a go.”

“I’m willing.” She
laughed and grabbed ahold of me. “I’ve been willing since the first night I met
you.” She grabbed my face and pulled me towards her, however, she surprised me
by falling to her knees instead of kissing me. I looked down and watched her
unbuckle my jeans and pull my zipper down.

“What are you
doing?” I asked stupidly.

“I want to show
you how happy I am.” She winked up at me and I only hesitated slightly before
pushing her back into the grass. “
Ow
.”

“
Shh
.” I sat down next to her and reached over to her. “Today
is not about sex.”

“We don’t have to
have sex.” She pouted.

“I don’t want this
moment to be about sex.” I shook my head as her hand worked its way into my
pants. “But you’re making this very hard on me.”

“Is that a pun?”
She laughed as her fingers circled my hardness.

“I want you to
know that I …”

“Or is this about
you liking to be in control?” She removed her hand and I resisted the urge to
grab it and stick it back in my pants.

“Who says I like
to be in control?”

“Well, that first
night you wanted to be in command, and then when you spanked me, and now.”

“And now?” I
raised an eyebrow at her as I reached over to cup her right breast. “Do you
think I’m saying no because I like to be in control?”

“Yes.” She nodded
as she squirmed on the ground beneath my fingers. “I think you prefer a more
passive girl.”

“Really?” I
laughed aloud. How little she knew. I was delighted that she was confident and
aggressive. I felt like she was a real match for my more dominant side. I knew
I was dominant, but I also wanted a girl to give as
good
as she got from me.

“Are you attracted
to me, Logan?”

“Oh my God, is
this a joke?” I groaned. “We are not going to have this conversation already,
are we?”

“You’ve had this
conversation a lot?” She looked hurt, and a part of me was happy to see her
jealousy. I felt a twinge of guilt at my happiness but ignored it.

“Not a lot, but
why do girls always think you’re not into them if you don’t want to fuck? I
mean, really, Maddie? I can barely keep my hands off of you. I just told you we
can try dating and you want to know if I’m attracted to you?”

“Well, you just
turned me down for sex.” She looked away. “That doesn’t really happen a lot.”

This time my
jealousy kicked in. “Save it, please. I don’t need to hear about every guy you
tried to give a blowjob to.”