Crazy (7 page)

Chapter 8

“You want to split?” asks Janosch, enraptured, when I pull him out of our room. I have just packed the most important things into my blue backpack. Water. A few bars of chocolate. A book. You never know; maybe I’ll take to reading. Could be. Janosch grins. There’s the light of adventure in his eyes. He’s quite excited, as far as I can tell.

Florian says that for Janosch, this is the greatest. He always wanted to run away but never trusted himself to manage it on his own. Now he’s got a whole mob behind him. So he’s got to join in—he’s too crazy not to, according to Florian. Florian a.k.a. Girl is also in. He thinks it’s too boring here anyway. And he’s got Skinny Felix onboard. He wasn’t too keen at the beginning—too dangerous—but now he’s with us. It’s how it has to be. The whole thing is too exciting to let it just roll on by. The same goes for Fat Felix. He took a nap for a couple of hours this afternoon, so he has no idea yet how lucky he is. Janosch wants to wake him. We don’t think this is such a good idea.

“You’re too rough,” says Skinny Felix.

“Me, too rough?” asks Janosch. “Come on— Glob loves me! The idea of taking an illegal trip to Munich with me will thrill him, for sure. I know him.” Janosch goes into Glob’s room. Less than two minutes later he comes back out, towing Fat Felix.

Felix looks half asleep. His eyes are tiny, and his hair is down over his face. He looks a sight. We all laugh. You can still see the creases from the pillows on his cheeks. He starts waving his arms wildly.

“You guys are nuts!”

“Of course we’re nuts,” says Janosch. “That’s why we need someone who isn’t. And since Mr. Teacher Landorf won’t be coming, we immediately thought of you!”

“You’re right,” says Felix. “But because I’m not nuts, I’m not coming.”

“That’s what we thought,” says Janosch, “but we need you. You have to come too! Most people need a port in a storm. You’re our storm in a port.”

“Your storm in a port?”

“Yes, our big sugar treat,” Janosch explains.

“And what exactly makes me your big sugar treat?” Felix wants to know.

“Because Malen isn’t coming,” answers Janosch. “That’s what makes you our big sugar treat. But I think you’re up to it. Your tits are just as big.” Janosch puts his arm around Fat Felix.

“Can I take a backpack with some candy?” he asks. “I can’t help it—I need it.”

“Take whatever you want,” is Janosch’s reply, “but please, no roast pork or anything like that. Now move!”

“You’ve just given me a great idea,” Glob interrupts. “Munich must be pork heaven. Do you think I could get some?”

“If the answer’s yes, will that make you come?”

“You can bet on it,” says Felix.

“You’ll come just because there’s something to eat!” Janosch is exasperated. “You’re too fat as it is.”

“Too fat, maybe,” says Felix, “but I’m still your storm in a port. You said so.”

“Okay, okay,” says Janosch. “But get moving! A city like Munich isn’t going to wait for us forever.”

“Is Munich really cool?” asks Skinny Felix as Glob vanishes back into his room.

“Munich’s cool,” says Janosch.

“Crazy,” adds Florian.

“Does it have women?” asks Skinny Felix.

“Munich has millions of people,” Janosch tells him. “It has women the way it has roast pork—on every street corner.

“We’re really going to go?”

“Of course we’re going. We’re men.”

“When?”

“In a minute, provided Glob shows up soon.”

A big red hiking backpack comes around the corner, packed to the very top. Under the buckle you can make out a bag of candy—it obviously barely made it. Fat Felix closes the door to his room and comes toward us with deliberate strides. My watch says 6:15 p.m.

“Thank God such a giant backpack won’t attract attention,” Janosch observes as we go racing down the Castle hill. “Who would ever think we’d planned any kind of a long trip, Glob. Well done!”

“Sorry, but you yourself said I can bring whatever I want.”

“True,” retorts Janosch, “but I never thought of a baby elephant.”

Felix says, “Nothing we can do about it now— we’re already on our way. Would anyone like a chocolate snail?”

“I’ll stick a chocolate snail up your ass,” says Janosch.

“Does that mean no?”

“No. A definite no.”

At this moment up pipes little Florian a.k.a. Girl. “I don’t want to depress you, but where the hell are we going to spend the night tonight?”

“We’ll find something,” says Janosch. “Munich’s a big place. Are any of you afraid, by any chance?”

“I’m not,” says Skinny Felix.

“Me neither,” says Florian. “Well, maybe just a bit. But it’ll go away, right? I mean, it can’t get that bad.”

“It’ll go away,” says Janosch. “We’re doing okay.”

“Go away?” Fat Felix answers him. “It’s supposed to go away? It never goes away. For the last two years I’ve been taking part in shit and I’m still afraid every time. I sometimes wonder why I keep letting myself be talked into things.”

“Because you need it,” says Janosch. “We all need it. We’re young. Even Troy needs it.”

“Oh no,” says Glob. “I do not need it. And Troy doesn’t either, do you, Troy? Do you need it?”

“Yes I do,” Troy says, bringing up the rear, marching slowly down the Castle hill. I’m next to him on the tarred road, which is just wide enough for one car, and winds its way laboriously up toward the Castle, surrounded by trees. Everything here is spring green. Looks beautiful. The sun comes slanting down through the treetops, making patterns of light on the ground. Janosch and the others cut across them as they move on ahead. I’m thinking.

How often have I driven up this road in my father’s old Renault? How often have I cried? Said I didn’t want to stay here, that everything was so awful, and I couldn’t go on. My father always got mad. Said I should pull myself together. This was life. He couldn’t do anything about it either. Everyone had to go through it, and that was that. Then he dropped me off with my case, a green traveling bag. Two CDs packed into the side pockets.
The Rolling
Stones Collection 1
and
2.
My father said they would help. Bring me more energy. Appetite for life. Who knows? I think it’s all crap. First I stood in the parking lot at Neuseelen for five minutes and cried. Then I went on up, and into my room. To Janosch. Not that he ever really comforted me; still, he was there. Had a smoke with me. Talked about life. Rendered judgment. Somehow I was glad to see him. Janosch is a rock. Everyone knows that, even Fat Felix, even when he won’t admit it. Florian says you need a rock like that in life. Then you never lose your way or need to be afraid. I think he’s right. As long as Janosch is there, I’m not afraid. Not that he’s particularly big or strong. He’s just Janosch. That’s enough.

“See, Glob, you need it!” says Janosch, and bursts out laughing. “You need it! You need us! If Troy needs us, you need us too.”

“Bullshit,” says Fat Felix. “Nobody needs you. Or us. Why are we here anyway? The world wouldn’t be any different without us.”

“That’s not true,” Skinny Felix interjects. “There’s a reason we’re here.”

“Which is?” asks Janosch.

“Well, I don’t exactly know. Maybe it’s so we can observe everything.”

“Observe everything?” asks Janosch. “Does that mean we’re just spectators? Cheap spectators?”

“We’re just observers,” is Skinny Felix’s reply. “We’ll all find our little spots in God’s big cemetery. And nobody will even think about us anymore.”

“How about getting really gloomy?” says Glob. “Maybe I’ll be famous, and when I die, everyone will weep over me like they did with Princess Di.”

“That’s different,” says Janosch. “Princess Di was always Princess Di. And will stay Princess Di forever. People will remember her. Nobody’ll remember us. That’s life. We’re just kids in boarding school. Nobody even thinks about us.”

“It’s all so frustrating,” says Glob. “I mean, we’re alive here. We must have created some movement.”

“Yeah, we broke out of boarding school,” says Florian.

“They’re probably looking for us already.”

“No—they’re still eating,” says Janosch.

“Hang on, guys,” says Glob. “How come we’re able to live without knowing why?”

“Oh—it’s quite simple,” is Janosch’s reply. “We’re always doing things without knowing why. Now, for example. Don’t shit your pants! Maybe it’s a good thing that nobody’s worrying about us. Besides, we’ll certainly remember.”

“Remember what?”

“Ourselves.”

“Ourselves?”

“Yes, ourselves,” says Janosch. “I hereby resolve to remember you guys, and all the crazy things that’ve happened to us. That’s how we go on living somehow. Don’t ask me why, but it’s true.”

“You’re sure?” asks Glob.

“Quite sure. Won’t you guys remember?”

“Sure,” says Florian a.k.a. Girl.

“Me too,” adds Skinny Felix.

“And you, Glob?” asks Janosch.

“I have to think about it. But I think I will.”

“The whole thing’s been
crazy.
”

“You see!” says Janosch. “That’s how we’ll go on with our lives. Tell your children and your grand-children about it. It’s not like it’ll become some famous story. But we’ll go on living.”

“Troy as well?” asks Florian.

“Troy as well. We all will. Where’s Benni?”

“Here!”

We’re making tracks. We’ve almost reached the village.

Same old tune. The one about the six kids at boarding school. We keep walking downhill. Dusk is falling. I’m afraid, but I don’t know why. Probably the night. I never liked it. It hides so many secrets, and it’s so empty and bleak. All great views turn black at night. Yet black is my favorite color. But only when it’s a light black.

Janosch says if we’re lucky we’ll still catch the last bus. It’ll take us to Rosenheim. Little Bavarian town. Florian says it’s full of extreme right-wingers. He doesn’t want to spend any time there. Janosch says it’ll be okay. We’ll go on again by train right away to Munich. The big city. Where I live, where my parents are. Where they fight. I talked to my sister on the phone recently. She says it’s all horrible. They haven’t exchanged a single reasonable word between them. Now my father’s living in a hotel, the Leopold. She gave me the number: 089/367061. I’ve never called. He would only talk my head off. About how sorry he is about everything. And that things really won’t change for me. It’s all crap. Of course things will change for me.

So what’s it all about? I look around at my five friends. They’re a little preoccupied. You can see the uncertainty in their eyes. Janosch, the ringleader, is walking out in front, looking down at the ground. He’s wearing a black polo shirt and white jeans. His blond hair is flopping down into his face. The chain around his neck, which has a medallion hanging on it with a photo of his parents, moves with every step. He never takes the chain off, not even when he goes to bed. Fat Felix says Janosch loves his parents more than anything in the world. Sometimes he even cries after he’s been home for a long visit. And there’s nothing he wants more than to be with them whenever he can.

Next to him is Florian a.k.a. Girl. He’s a bit unsteady on his feet. He keeps looking at nature. He’s searching for the light, watching the sun go down. His hair is combed back, and he’s wearing a red Adidas training suit. The three stripes cover the whole surface. It looks terrible. Janosch thinks Florian doesn’t care how he looks. Main thing is to look like something; he doesn’t care. He just puts on his clothes the way anybody does. The only difference is that sometimes he achieves the most god-awful combinations. Once he came to school wearing unmatching socks. He didn’t even notice. It’s all the same to him. That’s what makes it funny, according to Janosch.

Behind him are the two Felixes. They and I are the only ones who’ve brought backpacks. Glob’s is red, Felix’s blue. Side by side like that, they look comic. They follow the others in silence, a good fifteen feet behind Janosch and Florian. But it doesn’t bother anyone.

They walk on quietly. Glob is wearing a blue woolen sweater and brown corduroys. His eyes are moist. On his head is a red Ferrari cap. Fat Felix loves Ferrari. He has a catalog with all the models in it. At night he even takes it to bed with him and sniffs it. His greatest wish is to drive in a Ferrari just once, top down, etc. But you know he’d scream if it ever actually happened.

Skinny Felix is wearing a green hooded sweatshirt that comes way down over his forehead. His quick, dark eyes glint out from underneath. His feet are in white gym shoes. Skinny Felix is a gym-shoe fanatic. He knows them all. He’s got thousands in his cupboard. He wants to create his own line of gym shoes later on. He knows it’s nuts, but so what.

Behind the two of them is Troy. He’s practically asleep on his feet. His little round eyes are heavy. He’s wearing a black waterproof cape, but it’s not raining. Troy was given the cape by his brother. He won’t live much longer—maybe another couple of months, apparently. Sometimes, when he’s a little loaded, Troy talks about him. The brother is called Nicholas or something. He’s exactly a year older than Troy. Troy likes him; he’s crazy about him. He doesn’t want to lose him, which is why when things get exciting he always wears the waterproof cape, to be with his brother and so not to leave him alone. Janosch says it’s gallant. I agree. And behind him, and a little to one side, there’s me. It’s the usual thing. I walk slowly and with difficulty. My left foot drags. I’d like to cut it off. I’m wearing a Pink Floyd T-shirt again. This one’s from the album
The Division Bell.
There are two big rocks on it, with eyes and mouths. They look like they’re talking to each other. At a distance you’d think there was only one of them. Typical Pink Floyd. I like Pink Floyd. Janosch says their music is
crazy
. But that’s why I like it.
We
don’t need no education
gets right under your skin. They’re right, in my opinion. I’m also wearing blue jeans. Levi’s. I got them from my sister. She says they work really well for getting girls. She should know what she’s talking about, even if I don’t. It’s great having a gay sister; she always has pretty friends, although they’re also mostly gay too. Janosch says it’s cool. You just have to convert them to the right sex, or whatever. Janosch thinks all lesbians secretly dream of switching. I’m not sure he’s right. In any case a conversion like that is tough. I tried it once.