Crave (Splendor Book 2) (18 page)

Tessa had a sad look on her face. “Unfortunately, she was only the tip of the iceberg. His father left them when Peter was about six, but evidently he’d been violent towards both of them. But the real problems began when his mother’s younger brother moved in. He was a pedophile, Ian, and abused Peter for years - sexually abused him.”

He was slowly starting to see where this sad tale was leading. “That’s terrible, darling. His mother did nothing to help?”

“She didn’t believe him, called him a liar and a troublemaker. Apparently, she depended on her brother to help with expenses so she turned a blind eye to what the bastard was doing to Peter. The abuse went on for several years until the uncle got caught trying to molest another child and was shipped off to prison.”

Ian’s jaw clenched in anger. “A fitting place for the scum of the earth like him. I assume he’s still rotting away there?”

“Most likely, yes. But that wasn’t much consolation to Peter, considering the damage that had been done. Peter had great difficulty being intimate. We were married for almost three years before we finally managed to have sex. And it was never easy for him. He - he couldn’t really bear being touched, especially in a sexual way.”

He stroked her hair lightly. “That must have been difficult for both of you. You’re such an affectionate little thing, Tessa. I can’t even imagine how hard that was for you.”

“Peter used to tell me that I should - oh, God, this is embarrassing.” She took a deep breath. “When he wasn’t able to, um -”

“Get an erection?” he supplied.

Tessa’s cheeks flushed as she gave a short nod. “Yes. He, uh, had a lot of difficulty with that or with keeping one long enough to -”

“It’s all right, love,” he assured her. “I get the idea. So I assume that you two didn’t - weren’t intimate very often?”

“No, we weren’t. I got to a point where I didn’t want to pressure him, or make him feel worse. As it was, he used to actually suggest I find someone else, another lover, someone who could, well, take care of me that way.”

Ian took her into his arms, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “I know without having to ask that you never even considered that idea. No matter what the state of your marriage, I don’t think you’d have it in you to be unfaithful. With Peter’s permission or not.”

“You’re right. I never even gave it a serious thought. Normal marriage or not, I always thought of Peter as my husband as well as my best friend. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I had done something like that.”

He eased her head onto his shoulder, still stroking her hair. “So he decided to set you free after all that time. He knew that he could never give you what you needed and that you’d never cheat on him. After all the good deeds he did for you, Tessa, the last might have been the kindest one of all.”

“I didn’t get that at first,” she admitted. “All I could think about for the first couple of months was how alone I was. And of how terrified I was that I’d become like my mother.”

Her last confession startled him anew, and he tipped her chin up. “What in the world are you talking about, Tessa? Why are you afraid of something like that? Mental illness isn’t necessarily hereditary.”

“I know that. And I’ve never had a manic episode like she did, nothing like that. But the other - the dark times. Sometimes it gets so hard, Ian. I have to fight it off, to keep myself from falling under like she did. When Peter left, and all the times before when he’d be away for weeks at a time on assignments, I’d have to force myself to keep going, to not let the depression take me over.”

Tessa was weeping quietly, and he felt like his heart would shatter into a thousand pieces at the sound. He cuddled her close, knowing how much she liked that, and tried not to feel helpless as he soothed her.

“Tessa, darling, it’s hardly a surprise that you’d feel sad and, yes, depressed at times. My God, what you’ve had to endure in your life - most people never experience even a fraction of those sorts of hardships.” He kissed her softly, tenderly. “You might think you’re weak, or not especially bright, but to me you’re the strongest, smartest, most capable person I’ve ever known. I am in complete awe of you, love.”

She wrapped her arms around his neck and snuggled a little closer. “Thank you,” she whispered. “For listening to me and understanding.”

“I will always be here for you, Tessa,” he told her earnestly. “You’re never going to be alone again. Or frightened. And definitely not homeless. I can’t even process that idea yet - it makes me want to hit something when I think about it. But you can be damned certain nothing or no one is ever going to hurt you again, so long as I’m alive and kicking.”

She fell asleep in his arms not long afterwards, emotionally exhausted from everything she’d just told him. He carried her upstairs to his room and undressed her carefully, leaving her clad only in the black lace bra and panties she’d obviously worn to please him. But as beautiful and tempting as she was, he kept his libido in check, for this was not a night for amorous activity. Not when she was so vulnerable, so in need of comfort and support. Instead, he covered her with the duvet, brushing her hair back with a tender hand, before returning to the library.

It was a long time and two more snifters of brandy later before he felt the least bit sleepy. What Tessa had just told him, the sad picture she’d drawn for him of her life, made him feel sick at heart when he tried to imagine how lost and lonely she’d been. Unbidden, images of her at various points in her life flitted through his mind - one of a small, innocent child left to fend for herself while her mother was too deeply mired in depression to even get out of bed; the next of a shy, lonely adolescent girl beginning her first day at what was her third new school that year, desperately trying to catch up with the lessons; and the last and most disturbing image - that of a teenaged Tessa, alone and forced to sleep in her car because she had no family or friends to take her in.

And yet she’d come through all of that without any obvious emotional scars, save for the shyness she still exhibited, and her fear of succumbing to the dark depression that had ultimately been responsible for her mother’s death. She had taken the required steps to acquire a good job, to support herself and make certain she would never again be a victim of poverty. And throughout the telling of her story, Tessa had never once complained about the lot life had dealt her, or expected sympathy because of it. It was remarkable, really, what she and her soon-to-be ex-husband had made of themselves, given their unfortunate upbringings. From what he’d surmised, Tessa and Peter had both worked hard to support themselves with multiple jobs and had lived a very frugal lifestyle.

And learning about the abuse Peter had suffered as a boy, and the subsequent effect it had had on his relationship with Tessa explained quite a bit. Peter’s seeming inability to be intimate with his gorgeous young wife made it clear to Ian why Tessa was so inexperienced sexually.

‘Christ,’ he thought in some amusement, ‘she’s practically a virgin, mate.’

He felt nothing but empathy for what Peter had suffered, and great appreciation for how the boy had helped out an innocent young girl, but he was also selfish enough to feel elation that he - and not Tessa’s ex - would be the one to bring her true sexual fulfillment.

Ian finished the last of his brandy, made sure the fire was doused, and went upstairs to bed. Tessa was sleeping peacefully, her cheeks flushed becomingly as he undressed and slid into bed beside her. And as she turned towards him automatically in her sleep, his heart sang with the joy of finally having her exactly where he’d always dreamed of her being for so long.

***

Tessa’s hands were a little unsteady as she unlocked the door to her apartment. She’d rather foolishly hoped that Ian would agree to just drop her off and not expect to come inside, but she really ought to have known better. Ever since she’d told him about her past last night, he’d seemed extra protective, even more solicitous of her, and when she had told him just now that he really didn’t have to see her inside, the look he had given her had been almost scathing.

“Don’t be silly,” he’d told her firmly. “Tessa, after hearing how you’ve had to struggle for so many years, I’m not expecting that you’ll be living in a penthouse somewhere.”

But she honestly didn’t think he had any idea of just how humble her tiny apartment was. Ian was used to Georgian brick mansions and Tuscan villas and staying in the owner’s suites of luxury hotels. Not a dark, poorly insulated, and shabby little set of rooms inside an old building located in a not so nice part of the city.

Tessa offered up a silent thanks that at the very least the place was as clean and tidy as possible. After the shocking turn of events in Ian’s office last Thursday evening - which now seemed as though it had happened three months ago as opposed to a mere three nights - she’d been so rattled and unable to sleep that she had cleaned the entire apartment from top to bottom.

But no amount of cleaning or tidying could hide the fact that the apartment was cramped, with scuffed wood floors, only one window that let in filtered light, and a rather odd assortment of mismatched furniture that she and Peter had acquired over the years. The apartment couldn’t have been any different from Ian’s own splendid, elegant home, and Tessa was very uncomfortable having him here.

He was silent and unsmiling as he walked inside, his big, broad-shouldered body dwarfing the place and making it seem even tinier than usual. She knew that steely-eyed gaze of his that never missed a trick would be quick to pick up on the cheap furniture, lack of space, and the cracks in the wall. If he had been even two inches taller, his head would have brushed against the low ceiling.

“When is your lease on this place up?” he asked briskly.

She tried to interpret the rather closed-off expression on his face but quickly gave up and answered him. “In April. Peter’s been sending me a little money every month to help with the rent, but I’ll need to find something more affordable very soon.”

Ian frowned. “What’s the rent?”

Tessa told him and didn’t miss his startled reaction. “I know it sounds like a lot for such a small place but, well, that’s what rents are like in San Francisco these days.”

“I’ll pay off the lease for you,” he offered abruptly. “I don’t have my checkbook with me at the moment but I can bring a check to your landlord tomorrow. I don’t want you staying here even one more night, Tessa.”

She shook her head. “I can’t let you do that, Ian. Not that I don’t appreciate the thought but I just - can’t. Until we’re ready for me to travel with you and work as we discussed, I have to earn my own way.”

“That’s ridiculous,” he scoffed. “You can still keep working until you decide it’s time to give notice - which I trust will be much sooner than later. That’s not a valid reason why you can’t move in with me right away. If you’re concerned someone will see us arriving at work together, I can arrange for a separate driver for you or just get a taxi to take you to the office.”

Tessa laid a hand on his arm gently. “No, Ian. This needs to be on my terms - please? I’m not ready for that, to just move in with you so quickly. You’ve told me more than once that you don’t want to overwhelm me. So - don’t. Please.”

“God, I’m sorry, darling.” He swiftly took her into his arms. “You’re absolutely right. I told you that I wanted to indulge but never control you and I meant every word. I’m just so anxious to have you with me all the time. Especially after seeing this neighborhood you live in. Forgive me, but there were a few too many unsavory characters we passed on these last few blocks for me not to fear for your safety.”

“I know.” She rubbed his back as if to reassure him. “But I always lock my doors, never go out at night alone, and keep aware of what’s going on. The building even has its own laundry room so I don’t have to go out for that.”

“It’s not just the area.” He waved a hand around the room. “This place - I’m sorry, Tessa, but it’s just -
depressing
. There’s a crack in the ceiling, mold in the corner, a draft coming in through the window. I intend for you to live like a princess from now on, not a peasant or a pauper.”

Tessa shrugged. “I know it’s not much, but it’s actually a lot better than some places I lived in with my mother. We had some pretty awful living conditions over the years.”

He ran a hand through his hair in agitation. “Christ, I’m going to have nightmares about that, I swear. Every time I let myself imagine what it was like for you -”

“Then don’t,” she admonished. “Let’s start forgetting about my past and focus on the future. I - I just need a little time, Ian. Okay? I mean, just a few days ago you were my boss -
only
my boss - and I had zero idea that you even noticed me. And now you want me to move in with you and travel everywhere and take care of me. I mean, it all sounds like some sort of wonderful fantastic dream but, well, my head is kind of spinning when I try to take it all in.”

“Shh.” He lowered her head to his shoulder. “You’re right, of course you are. I’m just so used to being in complete control of everything around me that I need to step back a bit and give you a little space.”

Tessa nodded. “It’s just - ever since Peter left I’ve been completely on my own for the first time in years. Even when my mother was at her sickest, in her deepest depression, I could still tell myself I wasn’t alone, could fool myself into believing that she’d come through for me if I really needed her. And then when Peter offered to marry me so I wouldn’t have to go into foster care- well, it was easy to just depend on him after that. I got too complacent, letting him handle the finances and make most of the decisions. It just felt good to let someone else take care of me for a change.”

“That’s completely understandable,” he soothed her. “In fact, it seems like a very natural reaction given all of the hardships you’d endured over the years.”

“When Peter moved out in September, it left this huge hole in my life. I had to start figuring out how to rely on myself again, and not to depend on another person. I’ve just really started to do that, Ian. And as much as I want to be with you, I’m not sure I should be letting myself depend so completely on someone else.”