Cowboys 08 - Luke (38 page)

"Women don't love men like me."

He couldn't have been more wrong. What did he think all those women in his past had been doing, using him for rehearsal?

"Women love all kinds of men." Even a princess knew that. "You're exactly the kind a woman falls in love with practically at first sight."

His laugh was harsh. "I know all about lust," he said. "I suffer from a big dose of that myself."

"I don't know about lust. I just know any woman would count herself fortunate to be loved by a man such as you."

When he turned back, the harshness of his expression shocked her. "Women want something very different from what I am."

"What are you that's so terrible?"

"Nothing good."

He turned back, put their horses into a canter. Considering the number of times he'd warned her about riding too fast on rocky ground in daylight, she knew he had to be upset. She just didn't understand why.

"A woman likes a little bit of the beast in her man," she said when he slowed the horses to a walk again. "It makes her feel he's capable of protecting her."

"There's a lot more to marriage than that."

"Like what?"

She'd been taught marriage was about doing your duty to your husband and country, being a credit to your station in life, and producing an heir. Leave it to these Americans to complicate things.

"You ought to ask a woman that question," he said.

"But marriage can't be just for the woman, not if two people marry because they're in love."

"Why not?"

"Because men have needs, too. I'm not sure what they are, but in Belgravia the men all had mistresses. That must mean they were missing something in marriage."

"Men in America have mistresses, too."

If a man married for love, why should he wantneed-a mistress?

"Do you have a mistress?"

"No."

That lifted a weight from her heart. A man used to having a mistress wasn't likely to give up the privilege.

"Have you ever had one?"

"I never wanted to be tied down. Besides, no woman wants a man like me for very long."

"Why?"

"They just don't."

They'd reached the camp. She saw her bedroll where she'd left it, the coffeepot sitting on dead coals, the supper dishes left where they had been dropped. Oddly enough she felt more at home than she had in Mrs. Brightman's house. It was just her and Luke, alone.

It felt right, like that was the way it ought to be.

She started to slide out of the saddle. Instead she waited. He would have to touch her if he lifted her. And she wanted to feel his touch. His presence might be enough assurance for her mind, but her heart and soul needed something more concrete. She also intended to find out if he meant what he said. Considering his iron self-control, she doubted she could tempt him unless he touched her, even kissed her, committed himself so far even his restraint couldn't overcome his need for her.

So she waited.

He dismounted, walked over, and lifted her from the saddle. She didn't release her hold on his arms when he set her feet on the ground. She gazed up into his eyes, turned his face back when he would have looked aside. "I'm truly sorry for the trouble I caused, but when you left me alone, I thought you disliked me."

"How could you think that after the way I kissed you?"

"You said a man could lust after any woman, but he could only love someone he thought special." He hadn't really said that, but she'd deduced it from some of the things he had said. "I wanted to be that somebody special."

His body seemed to freeze. His eyes burned brighter, watching her with unnerving intensity. "You're promised to someone else."

"Not anymore. I don't want to marry Rudolf. I don't love him. I never did. I want to be like the American women you told me about. I want to marry for love."

"Where are you going to find a man to love out here?"

"I already have."

If it were possible, he seemed to grow even more still. "You can't love me, not like I need to be loved." He whispered the words, as though he were telling her a secret.

"Why not?"

"Because no woman can."

She was a princess. No one was going to tell her she was incapable of anything. She'd been in training her whole life to do what
had to be done.
Now that the time had come, she didn't intend to fail. But she could see it wouldn't be easy to convince Luke. She didn't know why he was so convinced no woman could love him, but she intended to make him believe no man was beyond the reach of love, that no woman in the world could love stronger and longer than an exiled princess.

He attempted to back away, but she didn't relax her hold on him. "You're afraid."

"Yes."

"wh
_y
?"

"Because I might start to hope you won't fail."

Valeria needed nothing more to convince her that no matter how much Luke resisted, no matter how thoroughly convinced he was that no woman could love him, he had never really given up hope. She reached up to pull him down to her. He resisted for so long, she thought he would refuse. Then, abruptly, his resistance collapsed, and he engulfed her in a tempestuous embrace that took her breath away.

In Belgravia, relations between a man and a woman were governed by strict, stylized rules of etiquette. There was nothing stylized about Luke's kisses. They were savage, hungry, demanding, hard, and she welcomed every one of them. After so many years of being treated as though she were a precious object, it was thrilling to be held so tightly by a man. It was wonderful to be touched, enfolded, crushed to him, to feel her body from her breasts to her thighs pressed against Luke's hard muscles. It made her feel more real, more
alive,
than ever before.

But it was her desire to kiss him back that had the

greatest effect on Valeria. It was as though some wall came crashing down to liberate feelings stifled by a world where the performance of her duty and the preservation of her family's position were the only things that mattered. Her feelings for Luke owed nothing to duty. Her desire to kiss him just as passionately as he kissed her owed nothing to preservation of the royal house. It was grounded in her need to be wanted for herself.

Luke scorned her title, position, and fortune. Anything he felt for her was for her alone. Knowing that made Valeria's heart sing. He might not love her yet, but he cared a great deal. And for the time being, that was enough. There was plenty of time for love to develop. She wouldn't leave his side until he believed she could love him fully as much as he needed to be loved.

Luke broke the kiss. "I shouldn't have done that."

"You promised to teach me to feel things I never thought were possible," she said. "Can you do that without touching me?"

"You don't know what you're asking." "Then show me."

"You're a virgin."

"Every woman is a virgin until she gives herself to the man she loves."

"Don't say you love me!"

"Does it frighten you to think you might be loved?" "Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I can't love. There's nothing inside here." He struck his chest. "And nothing can make it come alive again."

"You'll never know until you try."

"Valeria, this isn't like a summer outing. You can't start out, then turn back when you decide you don't like it anymore."

"Never in my life have I been able to turn around. I've always been forced to go forward."

"Loss of innocence is permanent."

"It has to happen sometime. I'd rather it happen with a man I love."

"Stop saying that!" He shook her so hard she thought her brain bounced around inside her skull.

"Do you want me to lie about the way I feel?"

"Yes."

"If I'm strong enough to face coming to a new country, learning new customs, trusting a man who has done everything possible to make me distrust him, why can't you trust your feelings?"

"Because I know feelings can lie. And they can change."

"If you loved me, would you change?"

His whole body shuddered. "No. That's why I can't take the chance."

"You don't think I can love you?"

He took a deep breath. "You don't know what it's like to be in love. You've never been allowed to find out. You don't know me or what it would be like to love a man like me."

"Then teach me. Do it for me if not for yourself. You said you stayed because you wanted to help me learn to survive in this country. My education isn't finished. You can't leave until it's done."

"No."

She needed something to push him just a little bit more. "Rudolf would teach me, but I doubt he'd want me to know too much. Then there's Neely. He's probably not very experienced, but he has a kind heart. He'd probably be willing-"

"Stop! If you're determined to ruin yourself, choose me." He seemed to lose some of the violent energy behind his outburst. "At least it will keep me from having to kill the man who does."

She didn't understand how he could be so fiercely protective of her yet keep his distance. If she could feel that intensely about anyone-and she knew she must or she never could love Luke the way he needed to be lovedshe'd never want to let him go. "Teach me," she said. "Teach me now."

"I'm breaking my word," he said.

She felt guilty about taking away something so vitally important to him, but she knew that until he lost his honor, at least the way he defined it, he could never have something much more important to both of them.

Love. Family. A life that revolved around more than a fast gun.

"Isn't the chance for love worth sacrifice? Which do you want more, to be loved or feared?"

She watched the battle inside him as it was reflected in his eyes, his face. She had asked him to give up what he had, what he'd worked years to gain, in exchange for something as hard to capture and define as the breeze that rustled the cottonwood and willow leaves. That must be very difficult for a man who'd defined himself by action. Yet she knew action would never be enough for Luke. He wanted more. She wanted to give it to him. He had to have the courage to accept it. Odd that a man who faced death fearlessly each day should tremble in fear of love. She wasn't the only one who had a lot to learn.

Luke appeared to struggle, and then the tension left him. He rubbed the back of his fingers gently against her cheek. "I've wanted to make love to you from the moment I saw you," he said.

"You loathed me."

"You were cold and distant, but I knew under that veneer beat the soul of a passionate woman. But I didn't

think you'd run me to ground like a coyote runs a rabbit to his burrow."

"You might not like my background, but I come from a long line of warriors who are willing to fight for what we want."

"I come from a short line who take what we want, use it, and discard it when we're through."

"You're only an amateur compared to an absolute monarch. Now stop trying to make me change my mind."

"I don't think I could let you." He pulled her to him. "You're in my blood."

Valeria slipped her arms around his waist, squeezed tight as she pressed her head against his chest. "I want to invade every part of your heart, soul, mind, and spirit."

Luke folded her in his embrace. "You already have." He planted a kiss on the top of her head. "I dreamed about you that first night."

Valeria looked up. "I thought you spent the night standing outside my hotel room."

"Only part of it."

"That's when I knew you weren't what you pretended to be."

Luke responded by kissing her into silence. Valeria didn't mind. Nor did she mind when they sank to the bedroll, Luke pulling her into his lap. She liked his being so much taller than she, but it was easier to kiss him sitting down. It was especially nice to do so sitting in his lap. The informality, the intimacy made her feel ordinary for the first time in her life. It made her feel valued just for herself. As a woman.

She didn't know that sitting in Luke's lap would cause unfamiliar warmth to gradually pervade her body. With it came excitement, tension, a feeling of being on the verge of discovering something wonderful. She'd barely gotten comfortable when Luke laid her down on the bed-roll, then lay down beside her, leaning over her, looking down at her with an expression she couldn't fathom. "You're beautiful," he said softly.

How could he say that? She wore a plain dress, no jewelry or cosmetics, and her hair was a mess. It would have taken Elvira a full day to get her ready to be seen.