Cowboy of Mine (18 page)

“Some guy was brave enough to say that he had no problem with a woman wanting sex as much as a man, but then some smart girl, er, young lady said something about calling her a whore if she did.

“The discussion was amazing, Meredith. You got them to think about our roles both then and now. You ended the discussion by saying, and this was why I chose you, ‘It’s supposed to be a compliment, being called the fair sex. But for me, it’s too much pressure. I just want to have the freedom to be human.’ I’ll never forget those words, because so much about the American Revolution, so much is said about freedom, but what does it even mean when slavery wasn’t abolished, when women were treated as property. ‘What is freedom,’ you asked in your class, ‘if you can’t extend it to every member of your society?’ That’s why I picked you. You’re thoughtful, but more than that you made your students think without bashing them over the head with your personal views. And that day I chose you, and I wanted so much to end up being your friend too.”

“I’m so sorry, Erva,” Meredith choked. While Erva had been talking, she’d felt suffocated by her past, who she had been. At one time she’d love teaching, because she loved having her students debate, find their own theories about life and history. It had been an exciting time, until she’d felt gobbled up by the never ceasing chase, the constant reminders that she wasn’t good enough to be someone’s wife, someone’s partner in life, she was worthless. And Meredith had then proven that theory correct by scheming, thieving, and had gone a bit mad from the deep desire to be loved.

Erva sighed. “Listen, I didn’t say all of that to make you feel bad. I said that to remind you of who you were. You were on fire that day. You were phenomenal.”

“And now I’m—”

“I’m not going to let you finish that, because I’m sick to death of you feeling sorry for yourself. I’m sorry, but I am. Maybe I should be more sympathetic to you, but you know what? I think I have been. I’ve been very sympathetic. I’ve forgiven you.”

“How—how can you do that?” Meredith began to cry again, feeling shame sit in her bones like arthritis would immobilize a once athletic person.

“Because I know love now, I suppose. But more than that, when I fell in love with Will, he helped me realize how lovable I am and then forgiveness came easily, because I’d forgiven myself first. Do you know that you’re lovable?”

Meredith couldn’t answer. It would hurt too much.

Erva took a sip of a breath, then continued. “At the risk of sounding like a self-help guru, I think figuring out how lovable you are begins with a person. I think it could begin with your Irish fella. But you tossed him aside.”

“Oh God, I did. I didn’t mean to, I just—”

“It’s a defensive tactic. I get it. But what are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, lucky for you, I do. You know every storybook, all the fairy tales. You know what the hero does for the heroine. If roles were reversed, and Jake was the heroine in the story, what would the hero do?”

Meredith felt her heart pitch and turn against her ribs. “The hero would go after Jake.”

“And so shall you. I’ll come along to help.”

“What?”

“It’s time to live up your words, Meredith. Maybe you aren’t ready to get married. So you ask your Jake for time to get to know each other. You don’t dump him.”

“But he’ll find out what kind of a person I am.”

“Then he’ll make a more informed decision.”

“I’m deplorable.”

“You’ve done deplorable stuff, yeah. But
you
aren’t deplorable. You’re cute, and I think somewhere in you you’re still on fire. And here’s the really big thing, Meredith: you’re redeemable. But you’re going to have to fight for that one. I’ll help, but the redemption part is mainly up to you.”

Meredith couldn’t do anything except cry at those words.

“I think making life choices, living with freedom and intention starts with a person who loves you, Meredith. And if it starts with me, then so be it. I’ll be there soon. We’re going to track down your Irish man and win him back.”

Chapter 11

L
aura
and Chen outright refused to let Meredith go unescorted with pant-wearing Erva. Gone was the wildly lavish Victorian garb Erva had previously worn. She’d had a complete cowboy makeover with leather chaps, a wide Stetson, and Meredith wondered if Erva was wearing a pistol under her long dark duster. It was no wonder Laura and Chen eyed her suspiciously.

Through their polite arguments, Erva’s scrappy-looking dog, Coyote, strolled into her cabin. She’d seen him outside when Erva had tethered her horse to Meredith’s front porch. He had seemed to look over Meredith, assessing her closely, then—even though she knew it sounded crazy—the dog smiled at her. Coyote sat abruptly between Laura and Chen and barked once. Suddenly, Laura and Chen started yawning. Drowsily, as if they’d been at the dentist getting high on laughing gas, they agreed to let Meredith go. They promised to watch her small farm while she was gone. And Meredith wasn’t too sure if they didn’t fall asleep after she’d left.

On the trail as dusk was approaching, painting the sky a haze of orange only known in the Western frontier, Meredith finally had to ask.

“Is your dog magical or something?”

Erva glanced down from her Quarter horse, similar to Meredith’s, at the gray canine that—again, Meredith knew it sounded insane—seemed to beam as he trotted along. “He’s not my dog.”

The dog actually cackled, as if he were laughing. Erva giggled at the dog. It was surreal. But then again, the last few months of life for Meredith had been phantasmagorical. Feeling as if the hair at the nape of her neck was standing on end, she decided to switch subjects.

“Maybe it is a bad time to take a trip. I mean, we’ll have to camp along the road. It’s going to get dark soon.”

Erva nodded. “We’ll be safe.” She smiled down at her skinny dog that she claimed no ownership. That grin seemed to say otherwise though.

They rode westward in silence for the next few moments. Meredith wondered if she should apologize again. She took a deep breath, and decided she would try another tactic.

“So how are things on campus a hundred plus years in the future?” Her voice sounded odd, a tad too forced.

“Good.” Erva nodded, yet kept looking forward at the road. Then she sighed. “Well, actually, everything at the university is fine, but...but my husband that I utterly adore, who I respect more than any other person on this planet, the man I love completely...is driving me nuts. Why can’t he see his whiskers in that one spot in the sink? I’ve told him before I’d prefer he didn’t shave anyway, but he does, and there’s these whiskers...I think I told you about them.”

“Yeah,” Meredith said quietly, amazed Erva would share as much and deeply honored too.

“And he’s really good about the toilet seat down, but he never replaces the toilet paper. What is that? Then I realize he’s a two hundred plus year-old man, so of course the toilet paper thing wouldn’t exactly be second nature to him. Yet. But, still, he just used all of it, why doesn’t he think about replacing it?”

Erva glanced at Meredith for an answer, but she had none. So she simply offered, “Men.”

Erva snickered and looked back at the road, as her dog yipped at something.

“Did you have the same issues with David? I mean, I assumed you two lived together?”

It was odd being asked about David, talking about him. Meredith didn’t internally bleed because she missed him. It hurt because she was ashamed—to have been with him for so long, to have put up with the constant games, the chase, to have contributed so much into such a dead-end relationship.

“We didn’t exactly live together. I had my apartment. He had his. He stayed with me on Monday and Wednesday nights, because he had early morning classes the following days, and I lived closer to campus. Sometimes, he’d stay for a weekend. The last year we were together that happened less and less.”

Meredith felt Erva’s gaze burn through her skin, so she finally turned to her. Her mouth was agape, but she quickly closed it.

“He stayed with you because it was closer to campus? Seriously?” Erva rolled her lips inward. “I’m sorry. I have no place to judge.”

Meredith shrugged. “Why not? I do. It was a horrible relationship. You want to know the weird thing? I don’t miss him. I don’t miss him at all. I don’t even remember the way he looks, and I don’t care about that. I kind of like that I don’t remember him.”

Erva nodded, then glanced forward again. The sun began to streak crimson and a deep dark purple through the starry sky.

Meredith couldn’t help but smile as she said, “David makes your Will sound like quite the Prince Charming, doesn’t he?”

Erva chuckled, but tried to stop her laughter. Smiling, she nodded. “Yes.” She giggled again. “Does that mean you two didn’t—God, that really isn’t my business. Sorry.”

“Didn’t have sex? We did.”

Erva bit her bottom lip. “Gosh, from your flat tone I can tell that was fun.”

Meredith silently laughed. “I don’t think it so bad for him.”

Erva chuckled again. “But I hope with your Irish guy...You don’t have to tell me. I’m being nosey.”

“I don’t mind.” Usually she would mind, Meredith knew. She would hate being asked personal questions. But Erva and her sparkling laughter and easygoing conversation made Meredith want to talk. Erva had been right all along. They would have made great friends. But back then, she’d been too lost to see it. Now...she hoped it wasn’t too late. Meredith hoped Erva was right about redemption, because she’d fight to be a good friend for Erva.

So she shared even more about herself. “And my Irish guy makes sure it is
very
nice for me. Maybe too nice.”

Erva shook her head. “No such thing, my dear. And kudos on finding a great guy like that.”

“Thanks. Your Will makes sure things are nice for you?”

Erva nodded, but looked back at the road again. “Yes...I—God, he’s been stressed because he’s studying so much and now taking his boards. So we haven’t...in a while.”

“Oh.” Meredith again didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry.”

Erva laughed. It was so easy for her to do that, Meredith marveled.

“Thanks. It’s been rough,” Erva said. “Maybe that’s why I’m not so forgiving about the toilet paper. But I think a lot of it is our honeymoon period is over. We hardly knew each other before we married, and now the reality is hitting both of us. For him, it’s got to be tough. He’s adjusting to the time difference amazingly well; although, he does bow every once in a while when meeting someone new.”

“Ah, but I’d think that was endearing.”

“Yeah, it is, actually.” Erva sighed, then looked at Meredith with mischief clearly crossing through her eyes. “We, um, made sure to have a
nice
time, as we’re phrasing sex, only three days after meeting. We’re such sluts.”

Meredith found herself laughing. Loudly. It was a bit surprising, like being around Jake had brought smiles to her mouth faster than she knew how to comprehend. It felt damned good and warmed her interiorly.

“You’re not sluts.” Meredith shook her head with mocking scorn. “Now, Jake and I...” She covered her face with her free hand. “We made sure to play nice about three hours after meeting.”

“Oh my.” Erva laughed and laughed.

They traveled for about two more hours, chuckling the whole time. When it was finally too dark to see the road, they stopped. Somehow Erva had packed for everything. She had torches lit faster than Meredith could ask for them. Then a fire roared to life. Inside a quick-draw tent, two air mattresses were deployed along with fluffy sleeping bags.

“Where did you pack all of this?” Meredith asked.

“Everything inflates. Even the sleeping bags were vacuum packed. The problem will be tomorrow, packing everything back into my saddlebag.” Then she merely laughed. And Meredith knew she would do anything to continue being friends with Erva.

They talked for a few more hours in the tent, laughing the whole time, with their bellies full from gourmet freeze-dried food that actually didn’t taste too bad. The texture on the other hand was hard to handle. Coyote, the smiling dog, hadn’t liked it too much either and sat close to Meredith as she petted his back, commiserating on the slimy texture in her mouth.

From the dim light of a gas lantern, Meredith could just make out Erva, pulling off a blonde wig.

“I thought if we were stopped by someone, then I’d better look more from this century.” She raked through her blue tresses with her fingers and began to itch furiously. “Man, it’s horrible wearing a wig.”

“Thanks for wearing it,” Meredith whispered, then cleared her throat and said louder, “Thank you so much for helping me. Thank you for being here, for doing all of this.”

Erva gave her a wide easy smile. “No problem. It’s winter break, and my husband and I, I think, needed a little time apart. Weird though, now I miss him. Horribly.”

“I can understand that.” Meredith noticed how wistful she sounded.

From out of nowhere she felt a wet tongue slither over her cheek. She laughed at Erva’s dog, petting his face. “Such a sympathetic doggy, aren’t you? Aren’t you?” Coyote licked her face enthusiastically then, pushing Meredith back and beginning to stand on her shoulders.

Erva pulled Coyote back. “Calm down. She’s a taken woman, and you know it. No more funny business, buster. Got it?”

He wagged his tail and gave Meredith one more lick before curling in a tight circle then lying down close to her legs.

Erva grinned. “He likes you.”

Meredith gently petted the top of his head until he closed his big brown eyes. “Dogs are easy. They forgive everything.”

“I don’t think this one does.”

They went to sleep after that, exhausted.

In the morning Meredith stirred from such an odd dream. She’d thought she’d woken from the sound of men’s voices surrounding the tent, but knew the language they spoke was anything but English. Being here, in this time, she'd gotten to know some of the Native American nation’s languages, mainly the different dialects of Sioux. Her heart slammed against her ribs, when she guessed the men were Lakota.

Then she’d heard them laughing. The tent flap opened, revealing a tall handsome man chatting it up with about a dozen Sioux warriors. The tall man was dressed similarly, but wore even less clothing, without a shirt of any kind. It was freezing cold, but he looked warm and kept telling jokes, making the warriors double over from their guffaws. After a few moments, they all shook the tall man’s forearm, some embraced him with wide smiles and then turned, mounted their horses, and rode away. The tall, strikingly handsome man entered the tent, closing the flap instantly, and needed to bend forward to accommodate the short ceiling.

He smiled at Meredith. “You’d better thank me when you wake up. I gave them all the food. Now, we’ll have real meat to eat. I know Erva’s got some hidden somewhere in that saddlebag of hers.” He looked Meredith over, plopping down close to her legs. “Damn, you are sexy in the morning, Pretty Eyes. Too bad I’m so tired.” He yawned. While stretching, he said, “And we have company.” He glanced at Erva, but then back at her with a lopsided grin. “And you’re in love with some Irish bloke. Yep, too bad.” Then he transformed into the smiling dog, licking his lips a couple times. And somewhere in there Meredith had either blacked out or fallen out of that weird dream.

Meredith woke to Erva pointing a finger at the dog, and he snapped at it, almost biting her digit.

“Bad Coyote. What did you do with our food?”

Meredith swallowed and looked down at the dog. He wagged his tail at her.

“Oh, sorry,” Erva said. “Good morning. I’m sorry for getting so loud. I can’t find our food. And I’m starving.”

“You think Coyote stole it?” Meredith’s voice sounded dreamy, even to her own ears.

Erva worried her bottom lip. “No. You’re right. He wouldn’t do that.”

Coyote came and lay close to Meredith’s belly, giving a soft lick on her cheek before he settled down. Absentmindedly, she pet his head, with an unsettling feeling that her dream might not have been a dream at all.

*

T
hey were about twenty minutes outside of the big town of Great Falls, and already other travelers either sped by or Meredith and Erva passed slower wagons. The road was worn with large potholes here and there to avoid. Although it was still cold as hell, there wasn’t any snow to show.

“Before we ride into Great Falls,” Erva said a little quietly. “I wanted to say I think I understand a little of how you felt.”

Meredith gazed over at her friend, now clad in a dress like her, but it was a regal blue silk, making Erva look more like a Victorian lady and Meredith like an old farm hand in her billowing grayish skirt and worn lavender shirtfront. The late morning’s sun seemed to follow Erva wherever she went, making her appear to have a halo. It seemed fitting that she looked more saintly and pretty, Meredith thought.

Erva cleared her throat, her gaze on the road ahead of her, but what caught Meredith’s attention was her friend’s eyes rimming red suddenly.

“I—I find myself envious of that other
glimpse
participant I told you about, her name’s Fleur.”