Covet Not (17 page)

Jude
wanted to tell her she wasn't at all depraved, but he'd have to reveal a truth
that could ruin them. He felt so secure he wanted to tell it, and that she was
enough, but it just seemed so taboo. He didn't want her to doubt what they had.
“Tell me what you like.”

“I'm
too much of a lady for that. As long as I keep my mouth shut, I can still claim
ignorance and innocence.”

He
lifted his head and kissed the underside of her breast. He nuzzled it. “Clara.
Tell me what you like.”

She
sighed. “I like...I like that I'm the only one in the world. Sometimes it's
like...in a single moment, if you can't have me right that second, the world
will just stop.”

He
closed his eyes. It wasn't exactly what he was asking, but he needed to hear
that. He kissed her between her breasts and felt her lean and kiss the top of
his head.

“What
do you like, Jude?”

He
picked up a hint of playfulness, but he would need to be as sincere as she was.
“I don't just
like
anything, but I love quite a bit.” He knew she would
want him to continue, but he wanted to kiss her first. He stretched up to her
mouth, and rolled her onto her side facing him. He kissed her. Just small
tastes. “I love when we kissed for the first time, you kissed back. At our
wedding. I remember it vividly. How you opened your mouth just a bit. I wanted
to keep kissing because I knew once I got you into our bed, I'd be too
distracted with getting in your panties.” He kissed her again.

She
wanted to know more. “What else?”

He
rolled on top of her. “I love how that first night, when I ran my hand up your
thigh, you spread your legs for me.”

She
spread her legs. “But, what do you love now?”

“
You
,
silly girl.” He pushed inside her. He didn't want to tell her he loved that she
helped calm his craving for cock, or the way she pushed back on him when he was
fucking her ass. “I love that you were open from the start, and the way your
body always answers mine.”

And
he did love her. He loved her so much it hurt because he knew one day he would
hurt her. Not with infidelity because he would do everything in his power to
stop it, but when he needed more. When it became more difficult to hide from
her. But, he could be perfect for her now.

XXVI

Shula was torn
between the excitement of going to San Antonio, and the tedium of getting
there. She'd never traveled outside of Agnes Oaks, and while it was beyond
exciting, the scenery was worrying. At every highway intersection, there were
gas stations and restaurants, but it didn't look very different than home. It was
just busier due to travelers.

She
wasn't sure what her expectations were. People in Agnes Oaks often spoke of the
city like it was some sort of denizen of debauchery that corrupted the youth
and made adulterers out of men. The women of the city thought themselves no
different than the men, and educated themselves on matters pertinent to
engineers and mathematicians.

Shula
couldn't wait to see these women.

They
had postponed their trip because of Jude. Jared wanted to be around to see him
married, and to make sure he settled in. He also helped rebuild the barn.

Shula
hadn't been upset about it. She understood. As far as she knew how to
understand. She didn't have any siblings, and with a father like James
Agnesson, she thought it was good the brothers were spending time together.

When
Jude had revealed what happened to Martin, she assumed she misunderstood, and
she wanted clarification. She was ridiculously preoccupied with it, and she
tried to picture Jude and Martin, but her imagination only took her so far.

“What
did your brother mean when he said Martin was fucking him?” It sounded crude,
and not something that should be spoken about, but it was out in the open.
Maybe she should have left it in her head. She looked at Jared, and the smile
he gave her was the kind he had no business giving on such a long stretch of
road.

“What
do you think he meant?”

It
was obviously sexual, but she didn't know how to expand on what she knew. “I
know what fucking is. But Jude isn't a woman. So, touching and kissing?”

“Maybe
I can show you one day if you're still curious.” He laughed and squeezed her
thigh.

She
looked at him for a moment, a blush blooming. She still didn't understand. “How
do you know? Did your brother tell you?”

Jared
stifled a laugh. “You were there. You heard what I heard.”

“I
know. So, touching each other?” She couldn't see it, but there was so much she
didn't know. Every day she learned something new and different about sex and
love.

Jared
nodded. “They would've had to been.”

Shula
watched his face. He wasn't going to explain. She'd get answers eventually. She
was still curious about Jude though, and not just about sex. “Do you believe in
God?”

He
looked sharply at her, confused at the question, but she looked at him
earnestly. He shrugged.

“Why
would God make them that way? It can't be an easy road.” It bothered her.

“If
God is real, then I like to believe maybe it wasn't meant to be difficult.”
Jared couldn't quite verbalize his opinion when he was still working through
it. Honestly, he tried not to think of Jude's preferences because it was
incomprehensible to him. If desire was a spectrum, he was firmly in a different
place. He didn't feel threatened or emasculated by thoughts of sex with a man.
He didn't feel anything at all except a vague distaste. And really, thoughts of
his brother having sex at all was more than vaguely distasteful.

But
he always knew his brother was different. He was a hard worker, but sometimes
his mannerisms were decidedly refined. Thinking of Jude being married was more
difficult to picture than Jude and Martin fucking in the barn.

His
brother seemed happy, though. Jared watched him carefully, and he seemed at
ease. He hoped for the best, and was glad Jude knew to come to him.

“But
what if God isn't real?” It was unspeakable, but it plagued her.

He
breathed out. It was a troubling thought to make that last leap. That it was
just the here and now. He couldn't imagine what that might do to a population.
“Then we'd better not tell anyone.”

Shula
sat back and nodded. She wasn't comforted either way. “It's not like they'd
believe you anyway.”

The
lights of the city were the single most beautiful thing Shula had ever seen.
Jared had made sure they left later in order to get to the city when it was at
its liveliest.

He
didn't know Shula could be so happy in such an unconstrained environment. He'd
taken her down to the Riverwalk, and found a place to eat while they watched
the city walk by. They shared fajitas and a frozen margarita.

“I
should bring you here often,” he smiled.

She
smiled back and shrugged. “Not too often. All this...scenery is exhausting. I
may need to sleep for a week after a couple days here.”

She
probably didn't realize how reassuring that was. “Tomorrow is a big day.” He
caught her eye. “We're going to buy you some pants.”

Shula
laughed. “I was expecting more pants, honestly. There were many women here
dressed similar to me. Just a little nicer, I suppose. I was worried people
would stare at me, but I don't really look out of place.” The Riverwalk was
full of families enjoying a late dinner. She saw older couples and younger
couples, and single males, and fewer single females. Most of the women were in
dresses, and a handful of women in pants, and both had varying lengths of hair.

She
was wearing a stiff navy dress with a buttoned bodice and a full skirt. The
skirt would be fuller if she wore a petticoat, but she hated them.

Jared
could see how Shula watched the women. “We can also go get your hair done, if
you'd like.”

Shula
huffed out a laugh. “Is there something wrong with my hair?” It was still
rather short, but Jared kept it cleaned up for her.

He
looked down at his plate and smiled. “Not at all. I like cutting your hair. I
just want you to experience the city fully.”

“Maybe
next time. I'm not terribly particular about my hair, but I like when you cut
it.” He was making her feel like spending the rest of the trip in their room.

That
night, he made love to her in their bed on the top floor of a chain hotel with
the curtains wide open. Seeing her with the lights of the city reflecting off
her wet thighs was breathtaking.

It
was a very fine little shop. It was full of clothes that seemed to mimic
antiquity, but fit for practicality. They looked very modern.

They
had perused a few larger ones, but Shula found herself embarrassed when looking
at women's clothing and the attention of the men who tried to sell them to her.

The
shopkeeper at this smaller shop was just as attentive, but he wasn't
overwhelming. There was no one else in the shop, and Shula wasn't nearly as
anxious. She didn't even care to buy pants, but the significance of them was an
amazing gift from her husband.

It
seemed Mr. Joshua Edwards picked up on that instantly, and spoke to Jared just
as much as Shula. He looked very young, but he spoke as if he'd been doing this
for a while. He had introduced himself formally, and Shula thought that was
very polite.

“We
have these lovely warm tunics that would be just beautiful on you. They're very
dress-like, but far too short for polite society, but we have opaque stockings
for underneath. Some come lined with fleece and others with an affordable
silk-like fabric that is more resilient and not as warm. Let's pick you out a
few things and get you in to try some things on.” He motioned toward a rack
with some lovely looking fabrics.

She
tried to meet Jared's eyes, but he was looking at Mr. Edwards.

Shula
chose a few things that looked pretty. She didn't have a real concept of
affordability, so the prices meant nothing to her. After trying on a few
different things, she found it would take a while to get used to the tunics,
but she fell in love with the stockings. They went on like pantyhose, but
thicker and warmer. Mr. Edwards was very complimentary, commenting she was the
perfect height for this, perfect shape for that, and he switched a few things
around if he thought it would be more flattering. He was very attentive, and
after her initial nervousness, she began to see the things he was pointing out.

He
would touch her shoulders on occasion, just barely, but as Shula watched him,
she could tell he was very tactile, and it took effort for him not to be. He
touched the clothing rather a lot, so that probably helped.

She
liked him. She hadn't talked to men very much, so it was refreshing.

She
showed Jared everything she tried on, but he was still eyeing the shopkeeper.
He would give her nods and tight smiles, and she was beginning to wonder if she
somehow made him angry. Maybe she was taking a bit long, or spending too much,
but she wasn't sure.

She
went to put her clothes back on. She knew what she liked, but wasn't sure what
Jared would want her to get, if anything at all.

As
soon as she walked out of the dressing room, Mr. Edwards was near, grabbing
another tunic. “That last one was a little big, I think. I must've grabbed the
wrong size. If you were wanting this one, we'll pick the right size.”

Shula
looked toward Jared. He finally looked at her. She'd upset him. She didn't know
how.

“Get
all of it if you want.”

“Was
there one you liked best?” She couldn't imagine getting all of it.

“It
all looked nice. Get all of it.”

Mr.
Edwards cleared his throat. “Very well, then. I'll take care of it.” He went to
the dressing room and grabbed her clothes and took them, along with the new
tunic to the register. Jared met him there.

As
Mr. Edwards folded up her clothes to put in the bag, he smiled cheekily at
Shula. “There's another shop around the corner, street side, that has some very
nice underthings. There are some practical items, but mostly...not.” He smiled
at the both of them as Jared handed over his card. She looked down and blushed.
“You've nothing to be blushing about. He's obviously smitten, and I certainly
am.”

She
wanted to hide behind Jared. She wasn't used to such attention except from
Jared, but she couldn't lie. She did enjoy it. “Thank you for your help today.”

“My
pleasure. You two have a good evening. And please call if you have any
questions.” If he was picking up Jared's hostility, he hid it well. It could be
that Shula was seeing more than there actually was.

“Thank
you. We will,” Shula said, as Jared grabbed her bags, her hand, and dragged her
out of the store. She waved good-bye to Mr. Edwards.

“Jared,
slow down. What is it?” He slowed, but only minutely.

“Hush,
Shula.”

So,
she wasn't imagining more. She shut her mouth and blinked several times. She
wasn't going to cry. She wasn't. A part of her wanted to yank her hand away,
but she knew that wouldn't help. She played the last hour over in her head, and
when she realized, she stifled a sob. Certainly, she wasn't behaving in a way
that brought him shame or embarrassed him. Certainly, he didn't think she was
behaving inappropriately with the shopkeeper. Was she not supposed to speak to
other men? He hadn't told her that. She couldn't imagine that being a
condition.

The
more she thought about it, the more upset she became. For him to think, even
for a second, that she would ever want anyone besides him. It made her feel
scared.

He
all but dragged her to their room. He never wanted to come back to the city.
They didn't respect that Shula belonged to him.

“I'm
sorry, Jared. Please. I'm so sorry,” she spoke rapidly, all while trying to
keep up.

As
soon as they were in their suite, he sat on the sofa, and tried to catch his
breath. He didn't understand what was happening. He'd never experienced such
sudden violence before. He wanted to break that guy's face, and he'd done
nothing but try to make Shula feel pretty. It was his fucking job.

He
never had to cope with something like this. “Come here, Shula,” he whispered.
He needed her comfort. He needed to have her. So she would know. So he could be
reminded, and never forget again. Because this was torture. A split second
thought of her, with someone else, not with him, no matter how illogical or
improbable, essentially turned him into an animal. He didn't know how to sate
it.

And
not even that. The thought that someone would notice the curves of her and know
what would look best because of it. But, the shopkeeper was trained to do so.
Jared needed to deal with this and quick.

She
dropped to her knees in front of him, forehead on his thigh, pressing her face
to him. How she made it so easy for him. He gripped the hair on the back of her
head and held her there. He wanted to yank her head back and not leave any
doubt of his desperation, but he didn't want to scare her. He needed to ground
himself. “Shula. ShulaShulaShula.” She liked pain, but he was still learning the
parameters of that. This felt different. This felt out of control and unsafe.