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She talked to Dr. Zeller about it the following week, who acknowledged that it was going to feel very strange and unfamiliar being single now, and not part of a pair.

“All our friends are married,” Stephanie said with a look of despair. “I feel like I'm a misfit with them now. A fifth wheel. I don't belong anywhere. I can't even hide behind my kids anymore, they're not here.”

“No question, Stephanie, this is very new for you. It's also an opportunity. You get to choose what you want to do now, and who you want to be. You can change things in your life that you didn't like before, or add new people to your life, eliminate people Bill liked and you didn't. You get to choose everything in your life, and everything you do. That's a rare opportunity, even if it comes at a high price. But there are real benefits to it too. It's something for you to think about. The only person you have to please now is you.” It sounded frightening to hear her say it, like too many doors and windows open. She no longer felt secure, about anything.

She was still thinking about it on the way home. And when she called her children that night, none of them answered. They were either busy or out.

What the therapist had said made her think of something Jean had said too, about how lucky she was to be on her own. She didn't feel lucky though, she felt scared, even terrified at times. Bill had been her buffer to the world. Now he was gone, and all the protection he offered, even theoretically, had gone with him. Jean said that if it happened to her, she wouldn't want another man. But it was easy for her to say, after thirty years of marriage to Fred, however imperfect he was—she had no idea what it was like to really be alone. It gave Stephanie a feeling of panic just thinking about it. It made her realize again that she needed something to occupy her time, either a charitable activity of some kind, or a job. She needed something to do. And she had no idea where or how to start. Suddenly all the things she had put off dealing with, after twenty-six years of marriage, even if it was sadly lacking in some ways, had to change. She couldn't coast along, blaming things on Bill anymore, or wondering why she had stayed married to him or why she didn't have a job. It was all up to her. And thinking about it made her angry at him all over again. Furious in fact. Just like the affair he had had, everything that was happening to her now was his fault. He had left and taken everything with him, her sense of security, her image of herself, and her status as a married woman, along with his protection. And this time she knew he was never coming back. She wasn't sure she would ever forgive him.

The second time she had dinner with the two couples went better than the first. They had dinner in Marin, at a steakhouse they all liked, and she felt more relaxed. It wasn't as noisy, and she hadn't gotten all dressed up. She had started looking into charities where she could do volunteer work, and talked about it at dinner. Brad suggested she volunteer at a hospital, and Fred thought she should take finance classes to better understand how to handle the investments Bill had left her. But she wanted to do something with young people, which was what she knew best. She had narrowed it down to two foundations, and was planning to visit both in the coming weeks. One provided housing, education, and family reunification to homeless adolescents, and the other was a shelter for teenage girls with babies, and both sounded interesting to her. And in addition, at some point, she still wanted to find a job. But at least this was a start.

This time, when she said goodnight to her friends after dinner, she felt less depressed, although she still felt different from them now. None of them had any idea what it was like to face every day alone, with no one to talk to, spend time with, or even ask her how she was. The same things had bothered her in her marriage, but at least then they had the option to talk to each other if they wanted to. Now she didn't. Her friends took for granted the fact that they had each other to rely on. They had someone to keep them warm at night. And the silence in the house was deafening when she went home.

It was a long lonely haul from February to May, but in April the two couples and she had discussed the trip they took to Santa Barbara for Memorial Day every year. They stayed at the Biltmore, and she and Bill had always enjoyed it. Both Alyson and Jean were encouraging her to come, and she wasn't sure what it would be like going away with them now alone.

They finally convinced her to go. She had recently started working at the shelter for homeless adolescents, and found it challenging and interesting, and it gave her a sense that there was some purpose to her life. She had something to contribute to the kids at the shelter after twenty-five years as a mother. Some of them didn't know who their mothers were, and had been in foster care for years before they ran away and preferred to become homeless on the streets rather than face the agonies and terrors in bad foster homes, or even on their own. The life experience of the young people she was dealing with was a whole new world to her. She enjoyed working with them, and she was able to go away before the shelter tried to set up a regular schedule for her. For now, they were having her come in on a haphazard basis, so she was free to come in when it worked for her.

Right before Memorial Day weekend, Jean tried to convince her to fly to Santa Barbara with them on their plane, and Alyson offered to have her drive down with them. But Stephanie didn't want to go with either one, and decided that she'd rather drive herself. She thought the time to think in the car would do her good. And she had often done most of the driving when she went with Bill, if he was tired or wanted to read some work. Jean said she didn't like the idea of her driving alone, but Stephanie was definite about it, even though she knew it would take her six or seven hours. She played music on the way down, and stopped for lunch at a truck stop. She left early in the morning, and arrived in Santa Barbara by early afternoon. She felt a pang of loneliness as she checked into the hotel, but then felt happy when she saw her room, and was glad she had come. It was hard to believe that Bill had been gone for almost four months by then. It felt like a thousand years since she had been fending for herself.

She met up with Fred and Jean at the beach club across the street, and Brad and Alyson joined them there when they arrived. They sat by the pool and lay in the sun, and Stephanie swam before she went back to her room. Bill would have been anxious to get ready for dinner by then, and it felt like a luxury to swim for as long as she liked.

She met the others in the lobby for a drink before dinner. Jean was wearing a slinky white dress that showed off her figure. She had had liposuction recently on her hips, stomach, and thighs, and she looked fabulous. Alyson was wearing a silk blouse and matching skirt, and said it felt great to be out of sweats for a change. It was all she wore running around with kids all day. Stephanie was wearing white jeans and a hot pink shirt and high-heeled silver sandals. Her figure looked better than it ever had after nearly four months of grief and near starvation. If anything, she was still a little too thin, but she looked less strained than she had earlier.

They had a good time at dinner, and went for a walk afterward. Fred had had too much to drink and went to bed, and Brad escorted the three women and lingered talking to Stephanie, and reminded her that he was always there to help her, if there was anything he could do for her. She knew it was well meant, but it felt a little strange. He had been extremely nice to her ever since Bill's death, and he asked her about the shelter where she was working, and told her how much he admired her for doing it.

The girls went to the bar for a drink afterward, and Brad went to their room to read. It was nice being just the three women for a little while, and Jean reminded Stephanie of how lucky she was not to have to go upstairs to a drunken husband who would snore so loud he would keep her awake all night. Alyson laughed and said that Brad snored too. But listening to them, Stephanie didn't feel as lucky as they said. There were good things that went with it too that she no longer had. She didn't miss their sex life, which had been uninspired and tedious for years, but she did miss just knowing that there was another human in the bed with her, and someone to wake up to in the morning, no matter how uninterested he was. Old habits were hard to break, and after twenty-six years of marriage, she missed Bill every day. She missed knowing he'd be coming home to her at night, no matter how disconnected they were. A dozen times a day, she thought of things she had to tell him, about insurance, the kids, or something he needed to care of or do, only to realize again that everything rested on her now. There was no one else to take care of anything except her, and it weighed heavily on her.

“Maybe a snoring drunk in your bed isn't as bad as you think,” she said to Jean. “At least he's there. What would you do without him?” Stephanie said wistfully, and Jean could see how lonely she still was and how much she missed Bill.

“I'd probably have a very pleasant life,” Jean said confidently, convinced that Stephanie now had the better deal. It was easy to think when you had never experienced it. And Stephanie knew only too well how hard it was. The other two women had no idea. Jean envied her the freedom to do whatever she wanted, but it had been more difficult than they realized. She was still working her way through anger and grief, but she was feeling better.

They sat together for an hour, talking easily, and then went upstairs. Alyson knew Brad would be waiting up for her, and they'd make love that night and again the next morning before they got up. She thoroughly enjoyed their weekends away. And as much as she loved her children, it was nice having some romantic time together. Jean admitted readily that she and Fred hadn't had sex in almost five years, and said she didn't care. Listening to them, Stephanie felt a pang of loneliness again. It would have been nice to have the option to have sex with Bill. She wondered if she'd ever make love again, and recognized the possibility that she might not. Falling in love again didn't seem likely to her at forty-eight. It wasn't a sure thing at any rate. And it made her sad to think that she might never be kissed again.

She left the others outside her room, took off her clothes, put on her nightgown, washed her face and brushed her teeth, and ordered a movie she'd been wanting to see. She watched the movie until two a.m., ate chocolates from the mini-bar, and slept late the next day. It only occurred to her when she ordered room service for breakfast, that she could never have done any of those things with Bill. And he would have hated the movie she had seen. They were small compensations for her loneliness, but maybe they counted for something.

And when she saw him, Fred looked fiercely hungover and was in a bad mood when she met up with the others at the Coral Casino Beach Club, across from the hotel, at noon.

“He always thinks he has a brain tumor when he's hungover,” Jean said under her breath, as he dove into the pool. He had seen two pretty young women in bikinis swimming, and Jean knew exactly why he had decided to swim, and didn't care. She saw him chatting with one of them a few minutes later. He never changed, and never hesitated to pursue other women right in front of her. He had been doing it for years. It made Stephanie sad for Jean. She was a good woman and deserved better than that. And spending his money lavishly as revenge was small compensation for what she didn't have.

Alyson and Brad were in good spirits, and kissed lovingly as he put sunscreen on her back. Watching them made Stephanie nostalgic, thinking of the tenderness she and Bill had lost long ago. She saw Jean turn away from watching them too.

They had lunch sitting by the pool, and spent the afternoon relaxing and swimming, and they were all in good spirits when they went back to their rooms at the end of the day to change. They had dinner at a fancy restaurant that night, and Fred had too much to drink again, and flirted with a woman at the next table whose breasts were nearly falling out of her dress. He sent her a bottle of champagne, and no one commented, although it was embarrassing for them. He was fun to be with when he wasn't chasing women, or falling asleep at the table once he was drunk. It was easy to see why Jean got annoyed at him, and thought Stephanie was better off without a man. He went to bed before the others, and Alyson and Brad went to their room early that night, while Jean and Stephanie went to the bar and sat talking for hours. Neither of them wanted to go upstairs. And when they finally did, Stephanie ordered another movie, and this time popcorn to go with it, which she spilled in her bed, and then wound up laughing all by herself. Bill would have killed her for that. She gathered it up and ate it while she watched the movie, which was even better than the one the night before. She almost invited Jean to come and watch it with her, but she was afraid to wake Fred, if she called her, so she didn't.

On the whole, it was an easy, relaxing weekend, and she had a good time with them, even alone. She was in good spirits after talking to her children, when she headed back to San Francisco on Monday afternoon. She swam for a last time, said goodbye to the others, and drove onto the freeway, thinking about the weekend, only to realize half an hour later that she had taken the wrong on-ramp and was heading south, to L.A. and Palm Springs, instead of north to San Francisco. She took another turnoff, still distracted, and found herself facing a sign indicating the road to Las Vegas, and almost laughed out loud. Now that would be a very different experience than going home. She was trying to get back on the road heading north, and didn't make the turn in time. She had no sense of direction, hated maps, got confused by road signs, and didn't know how to work her GPS. And the next thing she knew, she was on the road to Las Vegas, trying to figure out how to get back in the right direction.

And as she tried, she realized how much she didn't want to go home. There was nothing waiting for her there, except loneliness and silence and an empty house. A crazy question popped into her head: What if she went to Las Vegas instead? Who would even know? She wasn't a gambler, but doing something that different might be fun. It was a little bit unnerving thinking that no one would have any idea where she was. But what could happen to her? Would it be so terrible to do something outrageous for a change?

She felt guilty even thinking about it, and then with a sudden surge of rebellion and independence, she intentionally ignored the turnoff heading north, which finally appeared. And instead of turning on to it, she kept going straight ahead with a big smile on her face. Even if she only stayed for a night, what harm could it do? Who would ever know? She pressed her foot down on the gas, feeling wild and liberated and free. The coin had finally flipped, and she was discovering the other side of being so alone. She really could do whatever she wanted now. There was no one to stop her, or even know. She lowered her side window, and let the wind fly through her hair. She was on her way to Vegas. She was alone, and lonely, but she was also free. It was a feeling she had never had before.