Coulson's Wife (The Coulson Series) (15 page)

“Y
ou’re spending
far too much time at William’s townhouse.” It was Christmas Eve, and it was the
last thing Mary Ellen expected her husband to say as he handed her a wrapped
package.
 
Harrison had already gone to bed, and just Mary Ellen and
Randall remained downstairs by the Christmas tree. Flames flickered in the nearby
fireplace.

“I enjoy the peace and
quiet there.”

“Mary Ellen, I’m
worried about you. Even Harrison is starting to question it. He wants to know
why you’re always over there.”

“I hadn’t realized he
noticed.”

“If this continues I’ll
be forced to sell the house—for your own good.”

Sitting on the chair by
the Christmas tree, Mary Ellen looked up at her husband.
It isn’t yours to
sell
. Then she wondered if he might have the right.

“It’s just a place I go
to think. Get some solace.” She shrugged.

“You need to rejoin the
living again. Socialize with friends. Unless you’re with me, you’re over at
that damned house alone. Go out to lunch with a girlfriend, donate your time to
a charity, take up a hobby, get yourself a lover.”

His last suggestion
made her smile, breaking the seriousness of the discussion.

“Okay, Randall, I
promise, I’ll make more of an effort.”

“Now open it,” he told
her. She looked down at the package he’d handed her moments earlier. It sat on
her lap. She started to open it, but he stopped her.

“First let me explain.”
Randall went down on his knee before her chair, and looked up into his wife’s
face. He reached out and took her hands in his.

“For you to get on with
your life, you need to find some way to put William behind you. I know when you
go to his house, you talk to him.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because that’s what I
do at the office, when I’m alone.”

Mary Ellen smiled
softly and gave his hands a gentle squeeze.

“I want you to try
something, Mary Ellen. I’d like you to use this to write William.”

She frowned, wondering
what was in the package. He released her hands and let her open the gift. After
removing the wrapping paper, she discovered a leather ledger with blank pages.

“A diary?”

“Something like that. A
place where you can write William about your life—your thoughts. But I don’t
want you to write him once a day, or once a week or even once a month. I want
you to write him once a year. On let’s say, New Year’s Day or his birthday.
Whatever day you pick.”

“Why just once a year?”

“Because I want you to
spend the rest of the year living your life.”

Letters to William

D
ear
William.

Today is a new year. It
is unimaginable to think you will never be part of it. When I wake up each morning,
my first thought is of you. And often in that very first moment I believe you
are still alive. When I remember the truth, grief washes over me as if it were
the very first time I learned you were leaving me.

Randall thinks I spend
too much time at your house. Perhaps he is right. I promised him I would try to
get more involved in life.

Randall has been taking
Harrison to the office, teaching him the business. He says the boy is a natural
- bright. Just like his father.

Forever yours,
Mary Ellen - January 1, 1934

Dearest William,

It’s been a year since
my first letter to you. I’ve tried to take Randall’s advice and make a life for
myself. If you can hear me, wherever you are, you know I still come to your
house, not nearly as often as before, but I still come. The pain is not as
sharp, but it is always there, that emptiness I feel deep in my soul.

But I don’t have time
these days to dwell on my own personal sorrows. The dust storms have moved
their way to Chicago, and the situation has gotten worse. The poverty I’ve
witnessed is devastating. I remind Harrison he has so much to be grateful for.

Fortunately, we were in
California when the storm hit Chicago in May. I’d closed your townhouse prior
to our trip, so the damage was minimal. But even with everything closed up the
dust managed to get inside.

Randall insisted we
stay in California longer, where he has been working on a new project. I do
love the weather there, so I was happy to oblige.

Harrison has grown a
foot since you’ve seen him. He will soon be as tall as you. I see you in him,
but he is with Randall so much, he is picking up many of his mannerisms. People
often comment that Harrison has my eyes, but looks so much like his father. You
were right, people see what they want to see.

Forever yours,
Mary Ellen - January 1, 1935

Dearest William,

Perhaps you were wise
to move on. The world seems like an increasingly scary place. Germany’s Adolf
Hitler believes he does not have to honor the Versailles Treaty. We fear
another war is on the horizon. I worry about Harrison. If war breaks out in the
next few years, he could be dragged into it. I can’t lose Harrison like I lost
you. I keep thinking of my brother Ed.

When the year first started,
Randall was optimistic about the country’s financial future. Things seemed to
have turned around. But in April another devastating dust storm hit the west.

Scary times, William. I
wish you were by my side so I could feel safe again.

 Forever yours, Mary Ellen - January
1, 1936

Dearest William

I’m happy to write, the
economy continues to improve. Unfortunately, I still fear war. Hitler continues
to blatantly disregard the Versailles Treaty.

In spite of the growing
unrest, the Olympics were held in Berlin this past summer and a negro, named
Jesse Owens, from the United States won four gold medals. The world is
changing.

On the home front, our
son is seeing the daughter of one of Randall’s business associates. Her name is
Vera Chalmers. I’ll be honest, I’m not happy about it. Before you accuse me of
being an overprotective mother, I will remind you I never had a problem with
the other girls he dated. But she is a bit older than him and she seems quite
intent on turning this into a serious relationship. I tried to talk to Harrison
about it, but he just laughed and told me not to worry, that he intends to stay
a bachelor like his Uncle William.

But I am a woman, and
see things he does not. Call it mother’s intuition, but I worry.

Forever yours,
Mary Ellen - January 1, 1937

Dearest William,

We are going to be
grandparents. Vera’s father came to Randall to tell him she was with child.
Randall was furious with Harrison, but agreed with her father that the two must
marry. The wedding was held November 3, in a private family ceremony.

When I found out, I
cried. He doesn’t love her, and I wanted our son to marry for love. Something
we were denied.

Harrison looked quite
ill at the ceremony, but not once did he attempt to get out of the commitment. Vera,
well, she was entirely a different matter all together. She threw an absolute
fit! She wanted a big wedding, with all the trimmings and was visibly angry
with her parents. Poor Harrison is going to have his hands full with this one.

I know this sounds like
an overprotective mother, but I believe she planned to get pregnant so he would
marry her. You would have had to witness her behavior over the last months to
fully appreciate my sentiments.

As much as I hated to
do it, I had the library put in storage. Harrison and his bride have moved into
your house. Since he is your son, it seemed appropriate. Randall promises me I
will one day have a place for the library.

Forever yours, Mary Ellen - January
1, 1938

Dearest William,

We have a grandson. His
name is Harrison Randall Coulson. I will confess the name compounds my guilt,
knowing there is no one to carry on your name. Randall is quite beside himself,
delighted to now have a grandson, as if in some way the passage of the name
gives him a sense of mortality.

Right away Randall
started calling our grandson “Sonny,” saying it was too confusing having two
Harrisons. I don’t believe Vera was happy with the nickname, but she seems a
little frightened of Randall and reluctant to cross him in any matter.

While Randall has been
good to me, he is falling into his old ways, quite the dictator. He doesn’t do it
with me as much, but I notice it with our son. He needs you here to make him a
better person.

Our grandson is quite
beautiful, but Vera doesn’t seem very interested in being a mother. The primary
care of young Harrison falls to the nanny. When Vera does spend time with the
boy, she spoils him shamefully.

Harrison is in college
now, yet still works for Randall. I believe Randall always regretted dropping
out of college, and says he wants “his” son to finish. He is giving Harrison a
generous allowance, which Vera enjoys spending. While Randall is being most
generous, he constantly reminds Harrison of his “generosity.”

 Forever yours,
Mary Ellen - January 1, 1939

Dearest William,

What I feared would
happen has happened. In September, Britain and France declared war on Germany.
Roosevelt insists the United States will remain neutral, yet I don’t know how
that is possible. Through some of his business contacts in Europe, Randall has
been hearing extremely disturbing things about what Hitler is doing.

At home Harrison is
doing very well in school, but he says if the United States enters the war, he
is joining. I am not sure if he is being patriotic or simply wants an excuse to
get away from Vera.

I’m sorry, that was
very nasty of me. I am trying to get along with our daughter-in-law, honestly
but the way she indulges Sonny one moment and neglects him the next, is
troubling. I’ve offered to spend some time with the child, but she seems to
resent me and makes excuses to limit my visits with him.

I hope to bring you
better news next year.

Forever yours,
Mary Ellen - January 1940

Dearest William,

Europe is still at war,
and while the United States is technically at peace, Congress has passed a bill
implementing military draft. All men between the ages of 21 and 36 are required
to register. Randall tells me it is the first time America has implemented a
“draft” during peace time, and he believes this signifies we will be in the
conflict shortly. I hope he’s wrong.

Sonny is a handsome
devil, and very bright. I wish I could say Vera has improved her mothering
skills, but I can’t. Harrison has his hands full with school, working with his
father and taking care of his family.

I just reread the
entries I’ve written since starting this diary of sorts. I realize I’ve never
really said what I’ve been doing since you went away. (I prefer to think of it
that way, then I can imagine you will one day return.)

Randall and I continue
to see the same crowd. Odd, I don’t think any suspect our unusual relationship.
For the first two years after your death, I felt as if I was doing something
brave and outgoing if I called one of the ladies from our group to join me for
lunch. I eventually realized Randall didn’t want me to spend the rest of my
life focusing on such trivial social pursuits.

I joined a ladies’
charity group, and have found the experience quite rewarding. It keeps me busy
and I think I am doing something positive for our community. Randall seems very
proud of me. He has become quite a dear friend, in spite of his tyrannical
ways.

Forever yours,
Mary Ellen - January 1941

Dearest William,

Less than a month ago,
on December 7, Japan attacked our base in Hawaii. One of my nephews, Pete’s
boy, was stationed there. Thankfully he was not hurt. Over 2,000 of our men
were killed, and many injured. We are officially at war.

Harrison has enlisted. Randall
is devastated, and I find this is far too difficult to write about.

I need you.

Forever yours,
Mary Ellen - January 1942

Dearest William,

I understand now how my
mother felt, when her sons went off to fight. I can’t imagine her pain when she
heard the news of Ed’s death. I just know it destroyed her. It is a fear I live
with daily. He is somewhere in Europe, and so far safe. If it is within your
power, please watch over our son.

I keep busy with
volunteer work for the war effort. I spend my free time with Sonny. Vera seems
more willing to let me spend time with him as she has lost her nanny, and is
having a difficult time finding full time help. With the men gone, women are taking
their jobs.

I am a bit disturbed
over Sonny. The neighbor’s cat had kittens and I caught the boy about to throw
one out his bedroom window. I’m not sure how he managed to sneak the kitten in
his room, or how he managed to open the window. Fortunately, I saved the poor
little thing before any damage was done.

I was about to give the
boy a good spanking when his mother came home. I told her what he had done and
she didn’t seem that concerned. She reminded me he is just a precocious child
and instead of the spanking I’d planned, her idea of punishment was denying him
dessert.

I suspect our grandson
takes after his mother’s side of the family.

Forever yours,
Mary Ellen - January 1943

Dearest William,

Harrison is home. There
was an explosion and his leg is severely wounded, plus there was some damage to
his right eye. Randall pulled some strings and had him brought home, so he
could be seen by physicians here.

He was in the hospital
for several months, but was discharged in July. He’s still not a hundred percent
and the doctors aren’t saying if he will fully recuperate. Thank god his eye is
doing extremely well. The doctor said he is lucky he didn’t lose it. He is
still using a cane, but with hard work, they feel he may not always need it.

Young Harrison is still
a handful, yet he seems much calmer now. Happy to report I haven’t witnessed
any more kitten incidents. Although, he has become something of a mama’s boy. I
think that is because she tends to spoil him.

Pray for the end of the
war.

Forever yours, Mary Ellen - January
1944

Dearest William,

I don’t know why I am
surprised. Harrison and Vera have another child. It is a boy. Which makes
Randall ridiculously happy.

Our new grandson is
named Garret Zane Coulson. I asked Harrison where Zane came from, he said from
the author Zane Gray. I remember reading Zane Gray when I went into labor with
Harrison. Harrison latched onto the name after hearing Randall tell the story.
Apparently, the name cause a bit of a fuss with Vera’s mother, who wanted to
know if someone in our family was Jewish.