Copycat (26 page)

I had seen Sam and Tina with my own eyes, I had the proof and I hadn’t gone seeking it. So why had nobody else got wise? Tina’s comings and goings had always been unpredictable because her work for the tourist board involved dashing about all over the county, but these days her Citroen was rarely in her drive.

Did the philandering Carl suspect what was happening?

Was he keeping quiet for his own protection?

Tina’s calls to my house were regular, for a chat and coffee before she set off. She came to keep tabs on Martha, knowing that every move Martha made was known by me because of her children. It was me who collected them both from school and kept them at my house until Martha returned, and if either of them was too ill for school, she would hand them over the fence, still warm in their pyjamas.

Oh yes, Tina was cunning. And cunning was something I knew all about.

The time came when I had to speak out, but I was so anxious about making things worse. Would threatening Sam with exposure be enough to end this worrying affair? Indignant on Martha’s behalf, and resentful, I’d watched them both at the last Christmas party. They’d been bold enough to smooch together. There were even whispered conversations… a ploy to convince any doubters that this fooling around meant nothing. Just casual fun. What a nerve.

That night Martha was abnormally quiet. Tired, she said, working too hard. And although she often went over the top with her make-up and outfits at parties, this time she’d outdone herself – she glittered like the Christmas tree. Brittle and bright, she flashed on and off as colourfully as the fairy lights, and I worried that she might snap at any moment and rush from the house in tears… But that was my behaviour, not hers.

I heard Sam laugh. I saw him grinning impishly like a schoolboy. I wanted to reach out and slap his face, as he had once slapped mine. How could he torment Martha like this?

Every time Tina came round for coffee and every time I failed to confront her, I felt an acute sense of failure, of weakness, and I became determined to face the truth – next time. I would hang back nervously, waiting for the next opportunity, but there were no right moments for such revelations. I’d kept quiet for too long, hoping, stupidly, that this dark cloud would blow over, or that any of the unlikely miracles I had been praying so desperately for would occur. Next time Tina called, I’d be ready.

‘You say you can’t trust Carl and I wondered, have you ever been unfaithful, Tina?’

The merest flicker of shock gave her quick denial away. There was no change of expression when she said, ‘No, and I wouldn’t.
The pain it causes
…’

I resisted the urge to leave it at that – for Martha’s sake I had to go on. My palms were sweating and my mouth was dry, but above all I wanted to hide in bed. ‘Tina, I’m sorry, but I know for a fact you are seeing Sam Frazer. And it’s been going on for some time.’

Her eyes flicked to my face and away before she said, ‘That’s not true.’

I moved from cooker to cupboard to bin and then round to the table, trying to carry out everyday tasks – preparing the supper, stirring the casserole. Half for us, half for the Frazers, and there might be enough left to freeze.

She sat at the head of the table as usual, smug and in a wide-shouldered outfit I’d always disliked. The fact that it was scarlet I considered appropriate, and the trainers today were a shimmering pink. I couldn’t face her, I had to keep moving.

‘But I’ve seen you together,’ I said, squirming, peering into my bayleaf jar. ‘Twice, actually.’

Suddenly we were enemies. ‘You don’t miss a bloody thing, do you, Jennie? Peering through those sodding nets.’ And I was surprised to hear such a firm voice from out of the mouth of the condemned.

‘You admit it, then?’

‘
Admit?
What does that mean? How do you see yourself, Jennie? Some arbiter of other people’s morals?’

‘I see myself as Martha’s friend,’ I said nobly.

She shot me a sly look. ‘
Friend?
Oh, that’s an interesting one, not quite the word I would have chosen.’

This was awful. No, worse than awful. I’d been dreading this encounter and now I was on the receiving end. I’d never imagined that. I was made fragile when I needed my strength.

‘I don’t mean to judge you, I wouldn’t judge anyone, but it does seem rather cruel.’

‘Cruel?’ she said through a sickly smile. ‘So how about you, Jennie? Are you rather cruel, or off your head?’

I couldn’t find the words. In the end I stuttered,
‘We’re not talking about me…’

‘Oh? That’s convenient, isn’t it? So you are conducting this investigation from an impartial position, is that it? You are not, and you never have been, sexually involved with anyone else’s spouse?’

It appalled me to think that this woman might know about my feelings for Martha. She must know,
she did know…
‘Sam must have told you.’

‘No, Jennie, Martha told me. I walked into her house the moment after you’d damn nearly raped her and she opened her heart to her friend, as you do. At least I make sure that my passions are reciprocated.’ The viciousness of her last remark stabbed me and stained me like a rusty dagger.

I asked softly,
‘So who else knows?’

‘Who doesn’t would be easier to answer. I doubt that Martha was particularly discreet, repulsed as she was by the whole sordid business.’

My world might be collapsing around me but I wasn’t about to accept defeat. ‘That happened years ago. What you’re doing is happening now…’

‘So what do you propose to do, Jennie? Go next door and tell precious Martha? She wouldn’t thank you for that, you bitch.’

My head spun, I felt drunk. ‘I might do that, yes.’

When she folded her arms, her shoulder pads bulged. I hadn’t noticed before what a cold, spiky person she was, or the depth of that hard veneer.

‘And then what d’you imagine would happen? What the hell would you gain from doing that?’

‘Sam would be forced to choose.’

‘He might choose me.’

I managed to give her a scornful smile. ‘Never. Not in a million years. This isn’t Sam’s first time, you know, he’s renowned for his weakness for silly women who throw themselves at his feet. He’s gone back to Martha every time. He’s just that sort of man. You should know, you’ve got Carl.’

‘So should you, from what Angie says. You didn’t turn Sam down when he carried you, drunk, into the bedroom, not that many moons ago.’

I went weak with shame. ‘That wasn’t true.’

Tina laughed, not pleasantly. ‘That’s the trouble with you, isn’t it, Jennie? Nobody knows if it’s lies, attention-seeking or just straightforward madness. So I wonder if Martha would really believe you if you told her about me and Sam, especially when we’d both deny it. I wonder who she would rather believe. She might think you were up to your old tricks again. Trying to get rid of Sam, maybe, so you could take his place in her bed.’

‘You’re foul.’

‘You said it.’

‘It’s nothing like that
…
’

Tina sat back while I took the chair opposite, hunched with the cheese-grater still in my hand.

And I felt grated, every piece of me as spindly and wrinkly as the spirals that hung from the metal holes. I must have looked ashen, while Tina, I noticed, had a bright orange tinge to her face and a line faded round her neck where the make-up stopped.

A fake tan. Pathetic.

‘Come on, Jennie, be honest,’ she said, ‘what did you expect me to say? Did you think I would promise to give Sam up out of fear that you’d go and tell Martha? Are you honestly that naive? I can’t believe it – nobody is. Sam knows all about you and Martha. Since that abject letter you sent, she’s told him everything, you know that. So what the hell did you hope to achieve by threatening me this morning?’

‘I’m going to achieve what’s best for Martha,’ I managed to croak through her sneers. ‘I’m still going to tell her, and I’m sure that if Sam finds out, he’ll drop you like a stone.’

‘But you’re not sure about that,’ said Tina.

‘I’m pretty certain.’

‘Going on past experience?’

‘Yes, that’s right.’

‘Well, please bear in mind that Sam and I have been screwing on the side for more than four years. I wonder if any other women have lasted that long in Sam’s life?’

My mouth was parched.
‘That long?’

‘So you have to agree this is something different?’

‘I suppose so, yes.’

‘And that my influence over Sam is more than just a passing passion?’

I plucked at the shavings of loose cheese and gave a toneless ‘Yes.’

‘Let me put it like this,’ crowed Tina. ‘Let’s be fair. If Martha was to find out from you about Sam and me, Graham would also have to be told about that rather unpleasant business that took place in Martha’s bed. That would be one distressing result. No, wait, there’d be others: Sam would leave Martha; Martha could not keep up that house no matter how many hours she worked; and Martha’, Tina finished sweetly, ‘would move away from the Close.’

‘But why this deceit? You don’t want Sam,’ I exclaimed, ‘else why don’t you come clean, split and divorce? Why don’t you and Sam set up house together?’

‘Because this arrangement suits us both. It’s as simple as that,’ said Tina.

‘And what happens if Martha finds out for herself?’

‘We’ll deal with that when the time comes,’ she said with patient malice. ‘But I warn you, Jennie, if by some chance Martha did find out, I’d insist on dates, times and places before I’d believe it wasn’t you that went creeping to her with your wretched tales. So all I can say is, it’s in your own interest to keep your mouth shut and make sure Martha remains in blissful ignorance.’

‘You are disgusting.’

She was remote, self-possessed. Why could I never argue like that?

‘And there are words for you, too, Jennie,’ she said, ‘but personally I’d rather not use them.’

Life without Martha would leave me deaf, blind and crippled.

And so I was grateful for her lack of trust. If she’d chosen to share her anxieties with me, I couldn’t have kept the secret, not even for self-protection. But now I was a party to the deceit, disloyal to the person I loved best.

Maybe I was being kinder? Perhaps she would rather not know. And I tried to console myself with these thoughts while I watched her suffering in traitorous silence. All I could hope for was that the affair would fizzle out by itself.

But naturally Tina told Sam about our hostile conversation and his attitude towards me grew more aggressive. When Sam was around I was made unwelcome, and I wondered if Martha noticed the change from his normal indifference.

‘Sometimes, Jennie,’ Sam said to me, arriving home one evening, ‘I have to wonder if you’ve got a home to go to.’

I jumped up. ‘I’m just off.’

‘Sit down! Take no notice of Sam,’ said Martha, laughing. ‘You know him well enough by now to ignore his appalling rudeness.’ And she gave her husband a strict, cross look.

But he carried on. ‘Doesn’t old Graham feel abandoned sometimes?’

The silence was uncomfortable until Martha broke it cheerfully. ‘Graham’s not home yet. Get yourself a drink and stop interfering. Jennie and I won’t say no either. The kids are busy playing outside, so there’s no need to disturb them yet.’

‘I have to go anyway,’ I said. ‘Things to do…’

‘Never a dull moment, is there, Jennie?’ Sam said, his mouth straight and tight. ‘The rich tapestry of life and all that.’

Not knowing how to respond to this, I pretended not to hear. I collected the children and fled.

He was not only laughing.

He was threatening me.

God, what did Martha see in that man? Why did she need him in the way she did? Was it just sex? Surely she would have no trouble finding someone else for that. But then she would move in with that someone else…
no, no…
that was intolerable,
she must stay here with Sam.

I sat on the edge of my bed, clenching and unclenching my hands. My whole world had turned unfriendly. All I had left was Martha, but then all I needed was Martha…

‘But you have your children,’ said Mr Singh, as if I needed reminding. ‘And your husband. These are realities while your make-believe Martha world is delusion, an intoxicating vision you won’t let go of.’

He was right. At the end of the day, the one who would be there for me was Graham. But not if I’d been misbehaving, not if I was still misbehaving.

‘Why not give it a try?’ said Singh, offering a rare piece of advice instead of leaning back with his eyes closed.

I was astounded. ‘What?
Risk telling Graham what I’ve told you?
’

‘You don’t think he’s big enough to take it?’

I blew my nose violently. ‘I know he’s not. Graham is normal, Mr Singh.’ I was annoyed at being forced to explain. Wasn’t it obvious? The doctor should know that by now. ‘An ordinary man who likes black and white houses, reads biographies, loves cricket, plays golf, votes Tory, watches
Ground Force,
and considers any eccentric behaviour to be not just unnecessary but ridiculous. If he chose a dog it would be a spaniel. He’s embarrassed to watch Tina Turner.’

‘Ah, well,’ sighed Mr Singh, ‘you know him better than I do and it’s up to you, of course. But you’re in a virtual blackmail situation. Life would be so much simpler for you if you…’

I groaned aloud. ‘There’s no question of me confiding in Graham, so talking about it is a waste of time.’ I was impatient, eager to be gone. Mr Singh and the hours I had spent with him – expensive hours, paid for by me – had achieved nothing at all. I wanted comfort like a naughty child, but Mr Singh wouldn’t give it.

I must be very careful now or I knew I was going to be hurt.

I
MUST BE VERY
careful now or I knew I was going to be hurt.

The killer question was – how long? And it haunted me day and night. How long could Sam and I play mind games? The kind of games favoured by Jennie back in those dreadful times, during those years of trauma. I started to lean on her heavily now, but I wished so much I could trust her in the doting way she trusted me.