Conviction (Consolation Duet #2) (16 page)

A small laugh escapes me as I start the car. The drive back to my house is a blur. I try to focus on the joy that awaits me. I haven’t seen Aarabelle in seventy-two hours, and I missed her desperately.

I open the door and she looks up. “Mamama!” she calls out and my heart swells with love.

“Hi, baby girl!” I call out and rush toward her. I scoop her in to my arms and nestle her close. “I missed you so much.”

“Hey,” Aaron’s voice is low and gruff. “You okay?”

I turn, wondering if he’s being serious or sarcastic. I decide serious. “I’m okay, thanks.” The small act of kindness means a lot to me. This is the Aaron I always tried to remember.

“The team get off okay?”

“Yeah,” I smile.

Aaron shifts his weight as Aarabelle pushes against me to get down. “Good. I’m glad.” He looks away awkwardly, and my chest hurts. This is hard for him, and I wish it didn’t have to be. It’s hard for me too if I’m being honest.

None of these issues are easy for anyone. It really sucks being an adult.

“How was she?” I ask, looking at her as she runs over to her toys.

He smiles and gazes at her. “She was great. Your parents left about an hour ago. They said they needed to get on the road. She’s amazing, Lee. You did such a good job with her.”

I try to fight the tears, but they come flooding forward. Between Liam’s farewell and then this . . . it’s too much. “I’m sorry,” I say trying to gain control.

Aaron’s arms are around me in a heartbeat. “It’ll be okay,” he comforts me, and I push back gently.

“Aaron,” I pause, “You don’t have to comfort me. This isn’t fair to you. I’m so sorry.”

I shouldn’t be crying in his arms. I won’t be that girl. This is no place for the weak. My emotions need to be better managed.

“I did a lot of thinking this weekend,” Aaron says as we move toward the couch. Aarabelle lifts her block and then shows me the other ones.

“Yeah?” I ask, watching my daughter in admiration.

“I realized how bad I fucked up. Lying to you, cheating on you, it isn’t the way it was supposed to be.”

This isn’t exactly the conversation I feel like we’ve been having lately. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I get it. I sat here this weekend knowing you were with him, and it fucked with my head. But if I didn’t know and thought you were on some girls’ weekend or something and found out, I’d kill someone.”

I sigh and wish this could’ve waited a little, but it’s the first time I feel he’s being sincerely honest. “The issue was the lies. You lied about Brittany. You lied about the baby, and then you went so far as to tell me it was a one-time thing. That’s not the man I loved. You and I had issues, big issues . . . but they weren’t something we couldn’t have tackled. We didn’t talk though, and it cost us everything.”

Aaron looks at Aara. “She’s the best thing we ever did.”

My lips turn up as I look at the reason for my existence. “Yeah, she is.” My eyes prick in sorrow. “It’s hard for me to know you were willing to throw it all away.” I look over at him and see him nod.

“You and I fought so much. It wasn’t a good time for either of us. Do you remember how much you hated me?”

Both of our guards are down, and we owe each other the honesty. “I didn’t hate you, I just didn’t like you. You were so angry all the time. Everything I did or said turned into an argument. Right now, you love Aarabelle and for that I’m so happy, but when I found out I was pregnant with her . . . you walked out.”

He stares at her and then turns to me. “I wanted her for you. But there was a huge part of me that worried how you’d ever survive the loss of another baby. So the pregnancy was another way I thought I’d lose my wife. And in a small way I didn’t think we deserved her.”

It’s heartbreaking how two people who genuinely loved each other can go so far off track. I had my fault in this. I pushed him away and made everything in our world revolve around getting pregnant. It was the only thing I could focus on most of the time. But I did try to be there with him. I never stopped loving him, and I couldn’t imagine seeking out another person. Aaron isn’t a bad guy, he made bad choices.

“Instead of talking to me though, you sought out another woman?”

“You know how you’re torn apart right now? You probably feel like you’re split in two. I know you love me, Natalie. I see how you want to hate me, but you can’t. We have a child, a life, and memories.” He takes my hand in his.

I look over at Aaron with watery eyes. “I’m begging you, please don’t do this to me today.”

My emotions are everywhere and today . . . I just can’t. It’s a conversation we could have tomorrow or the next day, because today my heart hurts. I miss Liam. I had to see him off, and it’s too much to process this heavy of a discussion.

“I’ve spent a year away, baby. I know who I want, and maybe with Liam away, we can find our way back. He’s not able to interfere and you’ll see I’m where your heart really is.”

“You couldn’t give me today? You had to say it . . .” I’m not even angry just hurt.

It was selfish to come at me about this today. He knows my defenses are down, and he’s fighting dirty. I don’t need selfish . . . I need strong. I deserve someone who’s going to take my feelings into account. With Aaron it’s all about him. He saw the opportunity before him and tried to break me. Liam may not be here, but that doesn’t mean my heart and soul aren’t filled with him.

“Lee,” he squeezes my hand and I pull it back. “I just figured . . .”

“You figured he’s gone and you have an opening. Knowing what it feels like to leave behind people you love and what he must be feeling. You’ve spoken to me the day after you left. You know how sad I was. This,” I point between us, “isn’t what we’re discussing today. I can’t even possibly think about us. So please, don’t be a self-centered asshole for today and let me put myself together.”

I stand, grab Aarabelle, and head into the kitchen. Too bad it’s not even noon or I’d contemplate a damn drink.

The routine over the next few weeks after Liam leaves is exhausting. I email every morning, usually I can catch him online and then we Skype. Seeing his face makes those days a lot easier. I don’t have to imagine the angles of his face or the way his jaw curves at just the right place. His blue eyes are the perfect color of crystal blue and the full- blown beard he sports makes me melt.

He’s there on my screen, alive and smiling.

“Hi,” I smile coyly.

“How are you, sweetheart?” Liam asks rolling onto his side. His shirt is off and he’s been doing that a lot lately. Not that I mind.

“Better now.” I sound like a lovesick twit. Which I guess I am.

Liam smiles and stretches, giving me a full view of his chest and abs. “Me too. Seeing you is the highlight of my day.”

“Put a shirt on.”

“Take yours off.”

I deadpan and wait for him to laugh, but he just raises a brow. “Fine,” I reply playfully and take off my top. I have my cute bra on and he leans in close as if that’ll help him see better.

“Bra . . .”

“Not happening, buddy.”

He huffs, “You get to see my chest, it’s only fair.”

I reach behind my back and then Aarabelle screams on the monitor. I laugh and sit up. “Looks like Aara has other plans. No dirty Skype session for you.”

“Ugh,” he groans and flops back. “Go get her, I want to see her too.”

I smile and get my shirt back on, “I’ll be right back.”

Liam nods and I rush into Aarabelle’s room. Aaron usually sleeps in the spare bedroom off to the right, but the last two nights he hasn’t come back. He’s been sleeping at Mark’s, or so he says.

“Wanna see Liam?” I ask her as she bounces holding onto her crib. She smiles and gives me my morning kisses.

“Aarabelle!” he exclaims and now is suddenly in a shirt.

She smiles and presses her hand by the screen. “Dadada,” she calls him and looks at me still beaming.

“Hi, beautiful! She’s getting bigger.”

“Yeah, she and I are both apparently gaining weight,” I laugh. I swear I’ve always been an emotional eater, but this is ridiculous.

“You’re both beautiful,” Liam says as Aarabelle tries to touch him through the computer.

“Dada, up?” she says with her arms raised.

“Awww, she wants you to pick her up.” I smile at how much Aarabelle connects with Liam. She calls Aaron the same name but she still won’t lie with him.

He tries and he’s a good father. Aaron is always here to put her to bed with me. He’s genuinely trying to be a part of her daily routine.

“I wish I could, pumpkin.” Liam’s face drops a little like the air was let out. It’s hard for all of us, but I can’t imagine knowing your family is home and living their lives while you’re gone. I hear some commotion behind him. “I gotta go, Quinn and Barnes just got here. I’m going to be down-range soon.” He looks at me, and I get what he’s trying to say.

He’s going on a mission and won’t be able to talk.

“Okay, stay safe.”

“Always, sweetheart. I’ll be in touch soon. Bye, Aarabelle.”

She waves goodbye and he blows her a kiss.

“I love you,” I say with my hand hesitant over the disconnect button.

“I love you, we’ll talk soon,” Liam says and ends the call.

I look over at Aarabelle who stares at the screen with her head tilted. “Dada,” she says looking back at me.

“Liam had to go bye-bye. Let’s go baby girl. Mommy’s gotta work.”

I take her into my arms and get ready to start our day. On the days I do get to see him, it’s harder to pretend I don’t miss him so much. When he’s on the screen, I don’t feel like he’s so far away. He’s in our house, in my room, but I wish he knew that he’s always in my heart.

“Come on, Lee. I need a reliable gym partner.” Reanell tries to pry me off the couch. The last thing I want to do is work out.

“Not this again. We barely lasted a week the last time.”

“When Mason gets back, I want him to see I have a nicely toned ass.”

She’s ridiculous. Reanell has one of the best bodies out of anyone I know. She eats like crap and yet somehow manages to stay looking like a swimsuit model.

“Go away.” I lie back down on the couch so she can’t get me up so easily. I’m not sleeping well again. I have horrible dreams of Liam being hurt where I wake screaming. Last night was so bad that Aaron came in to check on me. I was crying and flailing around.

Reanell lifts my legs and sits under me. “Still not sleeping?”

“Nope. Last night was the worst.”

“You know if I knew anything, I’d tell you. OpSec be damned. Mason told me all the cocks would soon be in the henhouse. So that’s good.”

We all speak in code. Operational Security is top priority when they’re gone. It’s one thing for the enemy to catch them because of whatever, but if it was because they heard somehow from our end, it would be unforgivable. Previously, Aaron and I had words that would alert one of us to where or what was happening.

It gave me a sense of solace through the dark times. It’s hard not knowing where or how long, and many of us have our ways of giving just enough information to keep each other calm. When they are deployed to Germany, you know they’ll be called out. But when you talk daily and then nothing . . . you can’t help but be scared.

“Mason needs a better phrase than ‘cocks in the henhouse,’” I giggle.

“He knows I like when he talks dirty to me.”

Aaron heads down the stairs slowly. “Hey.”

“Good morning.” I look at the clock. His schedule is completely off course. He can only sleep in small intervals, so he naps throughout the day. The doctors told him to rest and take it easy. He has counseling three times a week and physical therapy the same days.

“Mark is on his way over and we’re heading out for a while.”

Reanell slaps my leg and hops up. “I’m going to run. I’ll swing by and grab you tomorrow for the gym since you’re obviously not going today. But tomorrow—no bullshit.”

“Fine. Whatever.” I watch Aaron as he stares out the window. Sometimes he looks so lost and it shreds me apart inside. I wish I wasn’t responsible for some of it.

Reanell opens the door and gasps. “You’re fucking kidding me, right?”

I turn to look and see Brittany standing in our doorway.