Consumed by Wrath: An FBI/Romance Thriller (An FBI/Romance Thriller ~ Book 8) (65 page)

Callen an
d Ethan could sympathize with the man, but they hoped he didn't think that this was going to open a door back into her life. Elizabeth had the only men she was ever going to have.

“So
, I started trying to win you back. I came over every morning, and I brought you coffee. I freed up my life to have dinner with you on Fridays. I tried to get you to see me as more, but that damn mistake in my past made you just out of my reach. Do you know how horrible it is to see the person you love, every single day, and know you’ll never have her? It’s crushing.”

“Tony,” she began.

“No, I’ll get it all out, and then you can judge me a sinner. One fateful day, along came your knight in shining armor. The FBI rode into town, and any chance I ever had was gone. Until that moment, I honestly believed that I could wear you down, or at least it gave me hope. You had sworn off men, and I was able to get close. In fact, I was closer than I ever was before. But Ethan was here, and you looked at him like he was the man of your dreams.”

“He
was and still is,” she said, softly.

Ethan’s heart skipped in his chest
at her admission.

“Well, he swooped you up in four days. He did in less than a week
, what took me a full year to even build up to. I was angry and furious at myself, so I began punishing me.”

T
his explained what Tyrell had said about the whiskey and his behavior. This was why he filled his office with things from his past. Tony was making himself pay.

Every day.

He was in purgatory.

“I stopped caring. I began drinking, and I figured that I wasn’t worth it to anyone. Then
, I walk into that stupid café and like magic, you’re there. To add insult to injury, Martha tells me that not only are you with one brother but the other too. There was room in your life for two men, but not me. Never me.”

Elizabeth felt bad for him, but she couldn’t change the past. She could only fix the present and live for the future.

“I wanted to die inside all over again. Just when I try to forget, I have to relive it. I needed you to know, because before I ruined my life, I had a chance and you were it.”

Her eyes filled with tears. “You’re
worthy of love, Tony. You're a man that made a mistake, and I don’t hate you. I never have. You’ve had my number and my email, and you could have reached out to me. I won’t ever be anything more than a friend, but I do care and love you, because we shared a past. My heart breaks for you, because you put us on this path. If you didn't cheat, who knows what would have happened, but you have to stop looking back and start looking forward. There’s a woman out there for you and once you find her, I’ll be a distant memory.”

He closed his eyes
in so much pain.

What could she do? Elizabeth crossed to him, and hugged the man. When someone was down, even if they hurt you, you didn't hand it back to them. You offered them something more.
Maybe it was the mothering instinct, or just the compassion that lived in her, but she didn't want him to hurt.

“It’s okay, Tony,” she said softly. Behind her, she heard the door close, as the men she loved offered hi
m something too. They gave him back a little bit of his dignity, as he fell apart on their porch.

“I’m sorry, Lyzee. I am so damn sorry that I hurt you all those years ago, and I’m sorry that I didn't tell you why I did it. I let pride get the best of me, and
all it did was destroy me. I was arrogant and ruined my life.”

She sat on the step with him, and took his hand
in hers. She was well aware of the lesson of arrogance. Hadn’t she just baited a killer and nearly lost Ethan in the process?

Yeah, she could sympathize.

Pride cometh before the fall.

“Tony, you can always fix what
’s broken.”

“I lost my job.”

She knew that was repairable too. “I think that if you talk to Chris and Tyrell, you might be able to get a deputy job back,” she said, knowing that she could push for it and help him out.

“Do you think?” he asked.

“Yeah, I believe so. It’s not too late to move forward, but I will be honest with you. I am so grateful for what you did back then. I’m in love with two men who treat me well. I’m pregnant with our fourth child, and I couldn’t be happier. I owe it all to the one mistake you made. You set this in motion, so thank you,” she said, leaning over to give him a kiss on the cheek.

Sitting there, she dropped her head on his shoulder
, and they sat in silence.

“I miss having you as my friend.”

“I’ve always been here, Tony.”

There was a pause.

“I’m happy for you, Lyzee,” he finally said. “I think that’s the first time I’ve ever really been able to say that. I won’t lie and tell you that I don’t wish that this was our house and our life, but I believe that you deserve happiness now, even when I couldn’t give it to you.”

She patted him on the knee. “When I have this baby, how would you feel about being the
Godfather?” she asked, suddenly.

He stared at her. “Really?”

Elizabeth nodded. “We don’t know if it’s a girl or boy yet, but we’re naming the child Charlie after my dad, and Samuel or Samantha for Doc.”

“I think I would love to be part of this child’s life,” he said, his eyes filling with tears. “Thank you, Lyzee, for never giving up on me.”

She laid her head back on his shoulder. “Tony, that’s what friends are for.”

Ethan and Callen watched from the privacy of the doorway. When the conversation stopped outside, they
snuck away to the kitchen. When Callen wouldn’t even look at his brother, Ethan’s heart was ready to break.

“I’m going to go outside,” he said, grabbing two beers, as he headed out the patio door.

Whitefox wanted to go to him, but he knew Ethan needed to figure this out on his own. He needed to find his way back to them in his own time. He wasn’t going to baby him.

Not this time.

Instead, he started making dinner.

Knowing that he couldn’t pull off anything elaborate, he grabbed some cans of soup and opted for grilled cheese. When Elizabeth walked in, she stopped in front of him. “Where’s he at, Cal?”

“Outside, and he looks like the world is on his shoulders. Are you going to fix him too?” he asked, referring to what she just did with Tony.

“I’m going to try
my damndest.”

“I’ll make dinner,” he said, kissing her on the lips. “You need to feed our baby.”

Elizabeth rubbed her hand over her belly. “Charlie is a lucky little zygote.”

“I like that name a lot. It’s sturdy for a boy, and if you’re having a girl, she’s going to kick ass.”

She offered him a fist bump. “Of course she will. Look at her family.”

“See you in a few minutes,” he said, patting her on
the ass and sending her towards the door. If anyone could get through to Ethan, it was Elizabeth.

She shook her head as she walked away.
Once there, she watched him sitting on the edge of the patio, legs dangling off the side as he chugged a beer. Going out to him, she stood behind him.

“
Is he better?” he asked, as she approached.

“I think so
. At least he is for now, anyway. Sometimes a Band-Aid will work, and sometimes it won’t.”

“Would you have married him, if he asked you all those years ago?”

She didn't have to think about it. “No, because he wasn’t the man I was supposed to be with. My Native brave in shining Kevlar wasn’t meant to ride into town for quite a few more years. I still believe that you and I were made to be together.”

He didn't move. “I don’t know why I get mad,” he said. “I don’t want to be angry, but I am.
I hate myself for the way I talked to you tonight.”

She sat beside him.

“I want this baby more than anything, Elizabeth. When Parrish had me locked in that box, all I wanted was to have one more chance with you and Callen, and I’m ruining it.”

She touched his arm.

“Maybe I should go away, Lyzee. Maybe you’d be happier if I just vanished from your life. You have Callen and our kids and no burden to carry. You don’t need me anymore. I’m just the weight that holds you down.”

This was her fear.

Those words did more damage to her than any cannibal ever could. “If that’s what you want,” she said, bravely, as she stood and headed back to the door.

“It’s not what I want!”

The wrath had returned.

“I want my old life back. I want to not be afraid of the dark. I want to not see the blood
, and smell the antiseptic of that bathroom he tortured me in. It kills me to know that I’m not as strong as I once was, and that one day you might stop loving me because of it. I just don’t know how the fuck to escape it all.” He threw his beer against the trunk of the tree and the bottle shattered into a million pieces, spraying beer across the patio.

Blackhawk knew that he had a better chance of putting that bottle back together again, than his life. Just when he thought he was back on track, he was lost again.
The darkness pulled him back under and he was lost.

“I don’t know how you get back, Ethan. I only know that if you’re going to leave, do it before this child is born. I don’t want Charlie to see you walk away.
No child deserves that.”

The words crushed him
, since he was well aware of how it felt to be abandoned. Wyler did it to him and to Callen. Now, he had just suggested it.

Obviously, he was crazy.
This moment was the one thing that he fought against his entire life. Here was one more fear, and he was about to succumb to it.

Ethan Blackhawk just hit
rock bottom.

Turning, she stared at him. “I loved you from the second you came into my life
, and I’ve never stopped. When you came back to me, I swore that I would die loving you, and I meant it. You’re probably the one person in this world who could ever break me, Ethan. I always expected Callen to leave, once he was whole again. I just never expected you to be the one to abandon me. You always were my rock and my strength. Now that you’re willing to run, what do I have left? What chance do I have of surviving this? You threatening to abandon me has taken away my life once more. Only this one’s on you, not the asshole that took you last time.”

He sat on the edge of the porch and shook as the
emotion overwhelmed him.

“I’m so sorry, Elizabeth. I can’t save me this time.
I’m digging out and the dirt is covering me faster and faster. I can’t get free and I’m dying inside.”

Elizabeth crossed to him and sat beside him. Wrapping her arms around his
shoulders, she pulled him towards her and let him weep. “There will be good days and bad ones, Ethan. I don’t doubt that we can get through them. I’m willing to try, but I can’t do battle alone. I need you to reach in deep and find one reason worth fighting for.”

“There are so many,” he whispered. “You and our kids are worth
dying for.”

There was the creak of wood, as Callen came out at the sound of his brother’s
distressed shouts. Sitting on the opposite side of him, he mimicked Elizabeth’s actions. “We love you, Ethan,” he said, holding them both in his arms.

“I’m
so sorry,” he whispered over and over again, as his body was racked with sorrow.

They both held onto him. “You don’t have to be sorry,” she said. “You just have t
o not give up. Tomorrow’s a new day. We pick ourselves up, we brush ourselves off, and we start anew. It’s not always going to be perfect. We just need to keep moving forward.”

“How long can you both carry me?” he
asked, wiping his eyes. “Before the burden buries you both too.”

“For the rest of our lives,” they said at the same time.

Elizabeth leaned over and kissed him on the lips. Callen kissed his big brother on the forehead, and they all sat there.

No one spoke.

They didn't need to. Elizabeth slipped between them and held their hands in hers. If she could bottle that moment, to hold onto forever, she would. Who knew what was coming in their future, or if Ethan would ever be completely repaired? For now, they needed baby steps.

“I’ll work on the anger,” he said.

“No more eggshells,” Elizabeth said. “We’re a family and the truth matters.”

He agreed.

“Can we call Doctor Gaines and talk about this?” he asked, offering them an olive branch, and to show them how sorry he really was inside.

“Yes,” they both answered.

“Can we eat while we do it?” she asked. “I’m freaking starving. I may turn into a cannibal myself if we don’t.”

Both men laughed.

“What? Was that inappropriate?” she asked, offering her hand and pulling them to their feet. .