Consumed (Addicted to You Book 1) (7 page)

Other than our planned shopping trip, Colby and I hadn’t really talked. My heart wanted to trust that she was giving me breathing space so that I could heal. My head knew better. She was annoyed and resented me. It’d been noticeable the night we’d went shopping. Her words were little jabs at my own confidence.

I told myself that Colby meant well and was reacting out of hurt. And I avoided her for the most part. It wasn’t hard because she wasn’t actively seeking me out. In fact, no one really was. My phone was virtually soundless. No texts. No calls. Even social media seemed to grasp that I wasn’t worth a damn at that moment.

It wasn’t until I realized how still my world had become that I fully understood how few people actually communicated with me in an average day or week. Questions filled my mind. Had my life always been that vacant? Had I pushed them away? Was Colby right?

Perhaps loving Spencer had consumed me. It was feasible that I’d put so much thought and feeling into him that I’d just let everyone else drift off. In the solitude of that week, I wanted to repair it. I wanted people to be there. To raise me out of the pit of torment that I was floating in and give me a reason to get out of bed besides bills.

On the other hand, the week made me prepared for the trip I was taking with Colby. Not because I had plans to party it up the way she did. There weren’t any thoughts of hitting on cute guys and snorkeling. I just needed away.

Something had to get me out of my apartment, job and state. As far from those daily things as I could get. Because as much as I walked through each and every moment mechanically, there were those times that it was impossible. Those little things that brought back his face, his words, his smile and even his laugh.

The song that played on the alarm clock- he had picked it out. Every time it went off I felt the wound of losing him rip open all over again. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to change it. Same with my ringtone. When I rode the train into downtown I’d remember that day he was standing at the pole, swinging back and forth and singing a love song for me. The crowd hadn’t enjoyed it, but it’d been one of my favorite times with him. Watching television I’d see a movie title that would take me back to those first nights in the apartment, cuddled onto our mattress and watching movies to pass the time. Even my job, I remembered the sound of his voice as we sat at the table during lunch and he told me I should apply because I’d be a better waitress than any of the ones that they had.

Everywhere I went and everything I did- there was something that would creep into my mechanized way of life. Something that would strike a chord in my soul and take me back to a happier day when Spencer was there, in my life and loving me. But it didn’t make me happier. It made the hurt excruciating.

This trip down south and away would hopefully clear my head. Being away from the daily reminders of the man I loved could make it easier to let him go. At least I’d hoped so.

I wanted to get in touch with Colby and tell her I was all set for the trip. She would be pleased to hear it. But she wasn’t heading up my fan club and I didn’t want to remind her that she was really pissed off at me. So I kept it to myself. Hoping that as we ventured out, she would remember that she loved me and we had a great camaraderie.

I’d almost quit crying, save for those special memories that appeared out of nowhere. I’d learned to be and carry on without tears throughout the biggest part of my day. No, I wasn’t whole but it was something. And I was pretty sure it was about all I could expect, potentially for the rest of my life.

The nights were a little harder. Lying in the silence of our apartment, feeling the empty space beside me, I couldn’t hide from the pain. I couldn’t run away from what was real.

I tried not to notice that he never contacted me. I refused to call or text him. If he loved me and wanted me, he would come back. Evidently I wasn’t good enough for him. It was apparent that the tie I’d believed we had was mostly on my end. I was so in tune with him that I’d felt things that didn’t exist.

As I packed my bags the night before left, I cried. Over what I’d lost and what I wasn’t sure I’d ever had. I cried over my fears and doubts. I cried over memories I didn’t want to forget but couldn’t stand to remember. I cried because as I placed my clothes into the bag, I could feel him there watching me and joking about how I packed enough to move and it was just a week’s trip.

I cried because a large part of me wished that I could wake up and not remember anything. As much as what we’d had meant to me, I wanted to forget it. I needed the hurt to go away. So I packed my bags and prayed to a God I didn’t even believe in that somehow and some way I would forget the little things that I’d permanently stamped into my mind so that I’d always remember them.

I prayed that somehow I’d wake up with selective amnesia and forget that Spencer had ever entered my life, let alone loved me the way he had.

Chapter 8

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“For what?” I laughed, certain that he was teasing.

“You deserve better,” his reply made me realize he was serious.

“It was great!”

“I appreciate your enthusiasm Avery,” he turned and looked at me. “But that is a lie.”

“Spence,” I put my hand on his shoulder. “I’m not lying.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The hottest guy I’d ever met had just had sex with me and he was apologizing because he thought it wasn’t good. I should have been apologizing because I didn’t deserve him. But I knew that he loved me and that was what mattered.

He stood up, slipping on his shorts before pacing the floor.

“It was awkward and clumsy,” he shot at me. “I acted like a teenage boy the first time he sees a naked girl.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at his reference. It had been a little awkward, but I’d expected that. We’d waited a long time. And if he’d felt even half of what I’d felt as it started, then he shouldn’t be surprised by that either.

“You deserved smooth and romantic and sexy,” he kept rambling, ignoring my chuckles from behind him.

“Spencer,” I interrupted his self deprecation. “It was very romantic and extremely sexy. So what if it wasn’t smooth?”

“You deserve perfect,” he answered. “As perfect as you are.”

I shook my head, trying to keep the mysterious tear that popped up from time to time away. He had a way with saying just the right thing. It was kind of like his uncanny ability to know what I needed from him even if he’d never heard from me that day. He just knew. It was part of what made us so special.

“I have spent all this time, months might I add, waiting on you to want to touch me. I’ve wanted you so badly it felt like it would kill me sometimes. Trust me when I say, it was perfect.” I bared my feelings for him.

“Waiting on me to want to touch you?” he seemed shocked. “Avery I’ve wanted to touch you since the day I met you.”

“Then why didn’t you?” It seemed a simple question.

“It’s not that easy,” he shook his head, making his way back to my bed and sitting down beside me. His hand cupped my chin as he leaned down and kissed me. “But I promise you that a day hasn’t gone by that I didn’t want to touch you.”

“Why are you so scared of loving me Spencer?” the words popped out before I could stop them.

“I’m not scared of loving you,” he answered, looking into my eyes.

“Then what are you scared of?”

“Needing you,” he admitted. “I’m scared of needing you.”

“Why? I need you too,” I reached out for him and watched him pull away.

“It’s easy for people to say that,” he spoke softly as he answered my question. “Everyone says that. I need you. I love you. I’ll never hurt you. I’ll never leave you.” He began to speak faster and louder. “Then they do. They leave. They hurt you. They fuck you over.”

“I would never hurt you,” the words came out as sad because it hurt me to hear him say I’d leave. “Never.”

“I think everyone means that when they say it,” he stood back up and began to pace. “I don’t think anyone really lies about it.”

“Okay,” I waited.

“But things change. And they do hurt me. They do leave. They don’t need me anymore and they stop loving me.”

“But I….”

“I know - you won’t. I know you feel that and believe that,” he paused for a minute. “But everyone leaves me Avery. Everyone. Why should I believe that you are the only one that never will?”

“Maybe they were just making room for us,” I suggested.

“There’s no happily ever after Avery,” he looked at me as he talked. “There’s no magical love story that never ends. It doesn’t exist.”

“I think we are pretty magical,” I looked down. “And I know that I’m happy.”

“Until something happens. Until someone else comes along. Until I say or do something that you don’t like. Until being with me isn’t enough and doesn’t make you happy. Then, you will go too.”

“I don’t see that happening,” I shrugged, trying to ignore his insecurity.

“No one ever does.”

“If you know this, then why bother? Why be with me? Why tell me you love me? Why make love to me? Why do any of this?”

“Because,” he sat back down and placed both hands under my chin, lifting my face to look at him. “I can’t stop it. I can’t help it. It’s out of my control. I’m addicted to you Avery.”

“Addicted?”

“Yes,” he nodded. “I can’t walk away. I can’t let you go. I can’t give you up even though I know eventually it will destroy me. Seeing you.- being with you- it’s like a drug I can’t stop taking. It’s bad for me and someday it’s going to kill me. But right now, I just have to have it.”

“Why is this a bad thing?”

“Because what we have is going to destroy us,” he answered.

“That’s morbid,” my thoughts came out without a filter. “And insulting.”

“It wasn’t meant to be either,” he shook his head. “It was just facts.”

“As you see them,” I reminded him. “I happen to see them differently.”

“How so?”

“I see a love so strong and powerful, that we can’t live without the other. And to me, that’s the kind of love that lasts.”

“Or shatters every last piece of our soul when it ends,” he added.

“Then we just have to make sure it doesn’t end,” the answer seemed easy.

“How do we do that?” He asked. “How do we guarantee that it will never go away?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “But I’m guessing our first clue can be found with more sex.”

Spencer laughed and I was glad to have the subject closing. I didn’t like hearing his belief that I’d be the same as anyone from his past. We were different. And he knew it or he wouldn’t be so scared.

“I love you Avery Bradfield,” he leaned down and kissed me.

“I love you too,” I smiled and returned the kiss, pulling him into me and deciding we should begin our scavenger hunt. “Now, show me you can do it better because last time was clumsy and awkward.”

Chapter 9

It was tiny. Five fucking inches at the longest part. I could hold it in the palm of my hand and stuff it into the pocket of the tightest jeans I owned. But it felt like it weighed a ton. Several tons actually.

I stared at the small device one more time. Colby had gone to the restaurant in the lobby to grab dinner and I was sitting on the bed, drink in one hand and phone in the other. My diet of alcohol, cigarettes and caffeine hadn’t changed on the trip.

I had to admit we’d chosen a nice place. It was an oceanfront resort that had more amenities than I’d ever seen in my life. The lobby featured a restaurant, gift shop and fitness center. The property also had a café and an oceanfront tiki bar. There was an indoor and outdoor pool as well as a lazy river ride.

We weren’t very far from the attractions that we’d planned to see, and we’d even noticed activities and events poolside nearly every day. On our way to check in, we’d stopped and stocked up on drinks and snacks to keep in our room. At first we’d planned to book a suite, but decided we weren’t going to hang out in the room enough to enjoy it. Boy had I been wrong about that! Three days in and I was still in the room and staring at my phone.

The damn thing couldn’t weigh two pounds. But as I stared down at the cracked glass, it seemed to be extremely heavy; urging me to drop it. Possibly even teasing me to throw it again.

I didn’t want to look at it. Other than the occasional junk email, the phone was void of any sound. It wasn’t anything but a constant reminder that nobody really cared if I was there or not.

Colby had been out exploring the town, but I’d spent almost every moment in the room. Nothing had enticed me enough to fake my way through crowds. Especially her choice of guy watching. I did manage to go to the lobby a couple of times to grab drinks or snacks.

Colby and I were going to go to the beach that night and hang out by the water. I’d found a private beach so that I could enjoy some time with my friend and not have to spend it with strangers.

We’d decided to take alcohol with us, mainly because it was one of the few staples in my life at that moment. I hadn’t wanted to do much since we’d gotten to the resort and I knew she was mad at me over that. I was trying to make it up to her.