Consumed (Addicted to You Book 1) (21 page)

For a while it’d be great. He would bend over backwards. There would be few moments that I didn’t feel his love all around me. Anything I wanted or needed would be taken care of. He’d jump through the proverbial hoops to make it better and fix what he’d chosen to rupture.

Those days when he returned were the best ever. And not just because he’d ended the heartbreak. It was more because he’d do more for me and give more to me than any other time. I’d be able to slip into my comfort zone and feel like the most important thing in his world again. Actually no, I’d spend those days knowing I was the most important thing. He’d make it clear.

When we were together, nothing else mattered. We had friends, but they always fell to the side until we were ready for them again. It was all about the two of us. If we did include anyone, they never reached the level we were at with each other. Most knew it and just faded away over time.

We’d played this game for so long, though that I couldn’t just plunge into the same habit. I couldn’t look into his eyes and get lost in his smile and forget what had happened. Not again. Because as good as those days would be, the ones after would be equally bad.

The moment that I felt comfortable with him, and that I was secure that nothing bad would happen, would be the moment that he left again. Sometimes I would know why. Other times, like this most recent, I wouldn’t be able to figure out why he’d just up and disappeared. But, as soon as I realized it, the pain would come back.

He’d left me so insecure in myself and his desire to be there with me that I more or less expected it for a while. I’d live in a constant state of concern that I’d wake up one day and he’d be gone. Sometimes, I’d end up arguing over it when it hadn’t even really happened. Mostly I’d just cling to him as if my life depended on it. Because it really kind of did.

Somehow and some way he would always persuade me. It was better. He wasn’t leaving. Life was fine. I would calm down and let him love me.

And he would go away.

That was all that went through my mind as he ran a hand along my cheek, wiping tears and comforting me in my pain. I wanted to scream it to him. Let him know that I was angry and hurt and confused. That I was afraid to trust him and yet trusted him with all that I was.

But I didn’t. I looked up into his eyes and I smiled.

“You know I’m never leaving for good, right?” he asked as he cupped my chin in both hands. “I can’t. I’ll always come back. I love you. I need you. I’m addicted to you. I will always come back Avery.”

“I know,” I admitted, realizing that I’d always known that. “But I don’t know why you have to leave at all. Why do you have to hurt me? Why am I not enough?”

The words came from deep inside and were as hard for him to hear as they were for me to say. I saw his face flinch from the impact they left. But I needed to say them. He needed to hear them. Both of us needed to feel them.

“You are more than enough,” he whispered. “You are everything.”

“But you leave me,” my eyes fluttered, trying to fight back further tears.

“I’ll never leave you again,” he leaned down and kissed me. “I can’t live without you.”

“Promise?” I asked, a question I’d never made him answer.

Spencer had always been the type that didn’t want to feel locked down. He had a painful history and this worried him. So I’d made sure he didn’t. I never made him make promises. Maybe because I was too afraid he’d break them. But I needed it that day. Seeing him after all of the pain. I needed to know he would stay.

“I promise,” he said. “I promise that I will never leave you again Avery.”

I let the tears fall, hard and heavy. Nothing about me would ever be able to turn him away. It would be like killing myself.

Spencer leaned towards me and I felt his soft lips press into mine. His arms slid around me and pulled me into his embrace as he continued to kiss me. I let my hands slide up into the back of his hair and twisted my fingers into the locks. I loved this man and I’d do anything he asked me to. Including forgive him and trust him again.

“I love you Avery,” he whispered against my lips. “I am always here. You know that.”

“I know,” I sighed, losing myself in the moment.

“Avery!!!” the shriek made me jump and scared the shit out of me.

I was confused and unsure what was going on. Other than the fact that Colby was standing by my bed and screaming at me. At least that was what it seemed like.

The pain in my head was excruciating. I was scared to move my eyeballs for fear that I would puke. My stomach lurched as she yelled my name again.

“Avery!!” I heard her screech.

“Shhhh,” I begged, barely able to get out a whisper. “Stop yelling.”

I wondered what was wrong with me. I hadn’t felt sick like that in a long time. It wasn’t until she spat the word at me that I’d realized what it was.

Hungover.

I was suffering from an extreme hangover. The kind that makes you want to die because you feel as if you already are. Every inch of me felt that way.

I wanted to turn my head to see him, to smile at him. Spencer. He was just holding me and kissing me. Wasn’t he? How did I end up feeling hungover after that?

It took a while for everything to connect inside my head. I wasn’t on my mattress with Spencer. I was in a room with a bed. A real bed. And Colby. And I’d drank far too much.

I had been jolted awake, heart pounding and beads of sweat on my forehead. In only moments reality had set in. Everything I'd just experienced had been a dream. None of it was real. The high that I had felt only moments before led to a crushing blow that overpowered me. Tears began to fall before I could stop them and my body ached with a pain I hadn't realized I still felt until that very second. The peace and happiness that had filled me for a few days was slowly replaced with anguish.

Only minutes before, the world had made sense. I had felt hope. I had felt a reason to believe. Now as the sunlight peeked through the drapes on the large window of the hotel room, I felt nothing but despair. AN ache for something that would never be. Even the bright rays of the Myrtle Beach sun couldn't lift the darkness that surrounded me.

My mind told me that I needed to move. I needed to get out of the bed and try and find something to enjoy about the day. But I knew it was futile. My body wasn't going to listen. The energy to even climb from underneath the blankets had left me. My poor heart had shattered into small pieces all over again.

Sleep had become a blend of heaven and hell. Blissful moments of joy that were interrupted abruptly by the deep shadows of heartbreak and pain. Reality and fantasy intertwined. Finding all I had ever wanted and having it crushed by the truth that it didn't really exist.

I had gotten these moments down to short and random. But now as I lie there realizing that the dream I had just encountered was exactly that, a dream, I could no longer control myself. I was breaking and I didn’t know how to handle it.

I imagined it was like being on drugs. A euphoria that you couldn't explain to just anyone. Something that could only be experienced. But as the euphoria faded, the crash ensued. Highs and lows that were so extreme they kept your body in a state of constant turmoil. Love was a drug and I was in the process of coming down. Spencer was my addiction and I needed my fix. But I needed it to be real.

The problem was, I had no reason to believe that the high would ever come again. Perhaps I had experienced all that I was going to get. Maybe my time of experimenting with the pleasures had passed.

And if it did, if I was lucky enough to enjoy the drug once more, would I be left to crash all over again? How long until I hit the crash that did me in permanently? How many times could I sink before I lost myself in the fall?

Remembering him so intensely, feeling as if I’d touched him, made the suffering all that much worse. Unbearable. I would have done anything in that moment to make it go away. But it wouldn’t.

I lie there, unable to move, and cried. Not just a simple sad cry. I sobbed. I collapsed under the weight of my own tears and I just cried.

I had to make it stop. And I would. Just as soon as I could move my head.

Chapter 24

“What’s this?” I asked as Colby handed me the envelope.

“Do I look psychic?” she huffed and walked back out of the room.

“No, but you sound like a bitch!” I yelled after her.

“No need to worry, you chose someone else, remember?” she retorted.

I almost opened my mouth to say something else, but I decided it wasn’t worth the argument. I’d not been sleeping much the previous week. Spencer had some serious family problems going on, ones that he wouldn’t open up and share with me, so we’d only been able to chat late at night. I was exhausted.

At three in the morning the night before I’d told him that it would be nice if he’d share what was going on with me so that maybe I’d understand why I was losing sleep to talk to him. He hadn’t liked that and had made an excuse to get off of the phone. As much as I loved him, I was tired and frustrated with the secrets.

The envelope wasn’t addressed and stamped so it hadn’t come in the mail. Instead it was empty except for my name on the front. I felt my stomach tighten into a knot and I slowly opened it, hoping that it wouldn’t be what I thought it was.

My Sweet Avery,

You have changed my life more than you know. When I first saw you I had absolutely no idea that you would become so very important to me. Who would have imagined that the beautiful girl tanning and checking me out through her sunglasses would become the one person I could not live without.

I laughed as I read his words. He’d never told me that he knew I was checking him out.

“Anything important?” Colby yelled.

“It’s from Spencer,” I answered.

“Of course it is,” she huffed and began to slam cabinet doors.

I turned back to the letter, hoping it was his way of opening up and sharing things with me.

I never wanted to find love again Avery. It wasn’t in my life plans. Not because I don’t need love, but because my life is….complicated. Don’t judge me, it really is.

I heard myself chuckle. He was right, I was judging. I hated that.

Even as I try to keep you away from it, you are still hurt by it. You want me to share things that I can’t even admit to myself yet. You need to know me the way I know you. And baby, you deserve that.

My breath caught in my throat. Maybe he was going to tell me finally. It certainly seemed that way.

I can’t. I know that you don’t understand that, but I really can’t. Not yet. Not now.

Suddenly I knew. Without reading any further I knew what was coming.

I wanted this to work baby. I wanted us to live happily ever after. I wanted that so badly and I don’t think you even know how much. The problem is that there is too much. Too many problems. Things I can’t talk about. Things that hurt you.

The tears filled my eyes and I felt my body beginning to collapse.

You deserve a man that is whole. You deserve a man that doesn’t have secrets. You deserve someone that can put you above anything else. I know what you are thinking. I am doing the same thing again. Choosing something over you the way I did with Jamie. I guess I am. Just know that it’s different. With her I was selfish. The things I chose were selfish. This isn’t. This is the most selfless thing I’ve ever done. I am walking away from what I need to breathe to protect you. My complicated life will destroy you. The same as it did to Kevin and his ex-wife Kate. The same as it did to Jamie. The same as it is doing to me.

He was leaving. Spencer was leaving again. My sobs must have been loud enough to hear because Colby appeared in my doorway.

I will always love you Avery. You will always be the one true love in my life. I will live the rest of my life regretting that you aren’t there. Please forgive me for hurting you again. Please know that I only did it because I wanted to protect you. From my life. From the pain. From me.

You will always have my heart,

Spencer

I dropped the paper onto the bed, staring into space and trying to understand what had happened.

“Why am I not surprised?” Colby snapped beside me.

“Because it’s what you want,” I replied with hatred.

“It’s just what is,” she corrected.

“I did this Colby,” I looked down at the paper lying in front of me. “I pushed him and he wasn’t ready. I did this. It’s my fault he left.”

“Oh my God,” she cried out. “You really believe that? He continuously does the same damned thing and you are going to blame yourself? Why not admit that he’s a selfish dick. That he’s playing games? That he doesn’t love you or he wouldn’t keep hurting you? Oh right, because he’s Spencer and he can do no fucking wrong.”

“Get out,” I yelled. “Get the fuck out of my room and leave me alone!”

“If you take him back this time, you can move.” She snapped. “I’m tired of dealing with the same bullshit over and over. Stop acting shocked and hurt. It always happens.”

I followed her into the living room.

“Are you telling me you want me gone?”