Authors: Diana Wynne Jones
“Serve you right if I spill hot tea over you!” Howard said angrily.
The Goon grinned. “Better not.”
“Or,” said Howard, “if I trip, you could get a peanut butter sandwich in the face.”
The Goon thought about this. Fifi interrupted hurriedly. “Would you like some tea, Goon? Tea in a cup, I mean, and a sandwich to hold in your hand?”
“Don't mind if I do,” said the Goon. And he added, after thinking deeply again, “Not stupid, you know. Knew what you meant.”
This was so clearly untrue that Fifi and Awful, scared though they were, spent the next ten minutes hanging on to each other trying not to laugh. Howard crossly pushed a mug of tea and a sandwich at the Goon. The Goon put his knife away and took them without a word.
Slurp
, he went at the tea, and he ate the sandwich without once closing his mouth. Howard had to look away.
“But why have you come?” he burst out angrily. “Are you sure you've come to the right house?”
The Goon nodded. He gulped down the last of the sandwich and then got his knife out again to scrape bits of bread from between his teeth. “Your dad called Quentin Sykes?” he said around the sharp edge of it. “Writes books and things?”
Howard nodded. His heart sank. Dad must have written something rude about this Archer person. It had happened before. “What's Dad done?”
The Goon jerked his little head at Fifi. “Told her. Sykes got behind with his payment. Archer wants his two thousand. Here to collect it.”
The smiles were wiped off Fifi's and Awful's faces. “Two thousand!” Fifi exclaimed. “You never told me that!”
“Who
is
Archer?” said Howard.
The Goon shrugged his huge shoulders. “Archer farms this part of town. Your dad pays, Archer doesn't make trouble.” He grinned, almost sweetly, and sucked the last bit of bread off the point of his knife. “Got trouble now. Got me.”
“Phone the police,” said Awful.
The Goon's smile broadened. He took his knife by its point and wagged it at Awful. “Better not,” he said. “Really bett'n't had.” They exchanged looks again. It seemed to all of them, even Awful, that the Goon's advice was good. The Goon nodded when he saw them look and held his mug out for more tea. “Quite peaceful really,” he remarked placidly. “Like this house. Civilized.”
“Oh, do you?” Howard said as Fifi filled the Goon's mug. “Just as well you like it because Dad won't be in for ages yet. It's his day for teaching at the Polytechnic.”
“Easily wait,” the Goon said.
“Does Mum know about Archer?” Awful asked.
“No idea,” said the Goon.
This had been worrying Howard, too. He was sure Mum did not know and would be very upset when she found out. She worried all the time about how short of money they were. He realized that he simply had to get the Goon out of the house before Mum came home. “Tell you what,” he said. “Why don't you and I go along to the Poly? We can find Dad there and ask him.”
The Goon's little head nodded. The grin he raised from drinking tea was big and sly. “You go,” he said. “Me and the little girl stay here. Teach her some manners.”
“I'm not staying with
him
!” Awful said.
“Eat your tea,” said Fifi. “We'd better all go, Howard.”
“That suit you?” Howard asked the Goon.
The Goon considered, idly scraping the point of his knife around his mug of tea. The noise made them all shiver. Chips and gouges of china fell out of the mug onto his faded jeans. That knife, Howard thought, must be made of something most unusual, something which could cut china and come back to you when it was thrown. “All go then,” the Goon said at last. “All keep where I can see you.” He put the scraped, carved mug on the floor and waited for Awful to finish eating. When she had, he stood up.
They found themselves backing away from him. He was even larger than they had thought. His little head grazed the ceiling. His long arms dangled. Fifi and Awful looked tiny beside him. Howard, who was used to finding himself as big as most people these days, suddenly felt small and skinny and feeble beside the Goon. He saw it was no good trying to run away when they got outside. They would have to trick the Goon somehow. He was obviously very stupid.
Fifi bravely rewrapped her scarf around her neck and crammed a striped hat on her head. She took hold of Awful's hand. “Don't worry,” she said in a small, squeaky voice. “I'm here.”
The Goon grinned down at her and calmly took hold of Awful's other hand. Awful dragged to get it free. When that made no impression at all, she said, “I'll bite you!”
“Bite you back,” remarked the Goon. “Give you tetanus.”
“I think he means it,” Fifi said in a faint squeak. “Don't annoy him, Awful.”
“Can't annoy me,” said the Goon. “No one has yet.” He must have gone on thinking about this while Howard was leading the way down the side passage into Upper Park Street. It was getting dark by then. The Goon's head seemed to get lost upward in the dusk. When Howard looked up, he could hardly see anything beyond the Goon's wide leather shoulders. “Funny,” the Goon's voice came down. “Never been really angry. Wonder what would happen if I was.”
“I shudder to think!” Fifi said, more faintly than ever. “Howard, would you like to hold my other hand?”
Howard was going to refuse indignantly. But it dawned on him in time that Fifi was scared stiff. So was he. When he took her hand in what was supposed to be a comforting grip, his hand was as cold and shaking as Fifi's. Joined in a line, they turned right and walked the short distance to the Poly. It could have been a shorter distance still, but Fifi took one look at the empty spaces of the park, and another, shuddering, at the gathering dark in Zed Alley and took the longer way around by the road and in through the main gate of the Poly.
By the time they got there bright strip lights were on in most of the windows of the Poly, and the forecourt, where the diggers were at work excavating for the new building, was well lit, too. There were a lot of people about, students hurrying home and men working on the site. It should have felt safe. But the Goon still had hold of Awful's hand, and none of them felt safe. Fifi cast longing looks at several people she knew, but she did not dare call out for help. Howard twitched at her hand, trying to tell her that they could give the Goon the slip inside the building. They could go up in the elevator, down the stairs, through the fire doors, up in the other elevators, and shake him off in the crowds. Then they could phone the police.
They went up the steps into the litter of paper cups in the foyer. Howard turned toward the elevators.
“Don't be too clever,” the Goon said. “Know where you live.”
Howard turned around and looked up at him. The distant small face held the usual grin, but just for an instant, before Howard looked clearly, it did not look quite as daft as he had thought. In fact, he could have sworn the Goon looked almost clever. But when Howard looked properly, he realized that it was just a sort of slyness. That was bad enough. Howard changed direction and led them all up the stairs instead, to the room where Dad usually did his teaching.
Dad was there. They heard his voice from behind the door, raised in a yell. “Good heavens, woman! I don't want to know what the Structuralists think! I want to know what
you
think!”
Dad sounded busy. Howard raised one hand to knock at the door, but the Goon reached a long arm around him and tore the door open. Inside, there was a row of people sitting in metal chairs and holding note pads. They all turned irritably to look at the door. Quentin Sykes, propped on the back of another metal chair, turned around as irritably as the rest. He was smallish and fattish and barely came up to the Goon's armpit. But, as Howard knew, you could rely on Dad not to panic. Quentin went on looking at them irritably and raked his hands through the rather fluffy remains of his hair, while he took in the Goon, Howard's and Fifi's scared faces, and Awful's angry glower.
He turned back to his students. “Well, that about wraps it up for today,” he said smoothly. “We'll save the Structuralist view for next week. Come in, all of you, and shut the doorâyou're making a draft. I think we'll ask Miss Potter to introduce next week's discussion, since she obviously knows so much about Structuralism.” At this the thinnest woman with the largest note pad sat upright and stared in outrage. “The rest of you,” Quentin Sykes said, before she could speak, “had better read these books in order to keep up with Miss Potter.” And he rapidly recited a list of books. While the students, including Miss Potter, scribbled them down, Quentin took another look at the Goon. “See you all next week,” he said.
The students took a look at the Goon, too, and all decided to leave quickly. Everyone hurried out of the room, except for Miss Potter, who was still looking outraged. “Mr. Sykes,” she said. “I really must complainâ”
“Next week, Miss Potter. Put it all in your paper,” Quentin said. “Show me how wrong I am.”
Miss Potter, looking more outraged than ever, squared her shoulders and marched out of the room. Howard hoped that Dad would be able to get rid of the Goon this easily, too.
“Now what
is
this?” Quentin said, looking at the Goon.
“Meet the Goon, Dad,” said Howard.
The Goon grinned, almost angelically. “Overdue payment,” he said. “Came to collect two thousand.”
“He just walked in, Mr. Sykes!” Fifi said angrily. “And heâ”
Quentin stopped Fifi by holding one hand up. It was a knack he seemed to have with students. “Nonsense,” he said. “My payment isn't overdue.”
It was the Goon's turn to hold one hand up, grinning still. Since he was still holding Awful's hand, Awful came up, too, dangling and yelling. He said something, but nothing could be heard but Awful. He had to shout it. “Should have had it two weeks ago! Archer's annoyedâ” This was as far as the Goon got before Awful somehow managed to climb up her own arm and fasten her teeth in the Goon's knuckles. The Goon must have felt it. He turned to her reproachfully. “Drop you!” he shouted above the noise Awful was still making.
“No, you won't. You'll put her down,” said Quentin. Long practice had given him a way of enlarging his voice so that it came through Awful's. “Or you will if you want to hear yourself speak.”
This seemed to strike the Goon as a good idea. He lowered Awful to the floor, where she stood putting her tongue in and out and making disgusted faces. “He tastes horrible,” she said. “Can I go on yelling?”
“No,” said Quentin, and he said to the Goon, “I don't know what you're talking about. I've never heard of this Archer. The man I deal with is Mountjoy.”
“Don't know Mountjoy,” said the Goon. “Must go to Archer in the end. Archer didn't get it.”
“But I tell you I sent it,” Quentin insisted. “I sent it last week. I know it was late, but Mountjoy never bothers, as long as it's the full two thousand words.” He turned to Fifi. “
You
know I sent it, don't you? It was that long envelope I gave you last week to drop in at the Town Hall.”
It seemed to Howard that Fifi gave the faintest gasp at this, but she said promptly, “Oh, was that what it was? Yes, you did.”
“Well then?” Quentin said to the Goon.
The Goon folded his long arms and loomed a little. “Archer didn't get it,” he repeated.
“Then go ask Mountjoy about it,” said Quentin.
“You ask him,” said the Goon. His round eyes slid sideways to the telephone on the desk.
“All right,” said Quentin. “I will.” He went to the telephone and dialed. Howard, watching and listening and by now quite mystified, knew that his father really did dial the Town Hall. He heard the switchboard girl answer, “City Council. Which office, please?” And Quentin said, “Mr. Mountjoy. Extension six-oh-nine.” After a pause he could hear a man's voice, a rich, rumbling voice, answering. Quentin, looking unlovingly at the Goon, said, “Quentin Sykes here, Mountjoy. It's about my two thousand words. Someone seems to have sent me a hired assassinâ”
“Not killed anyone yet!” the Goon protested.
“You shut up,” said Quentin. “He says the words are overdue. Now I know I sent them to you, just as usual, nearly a week agoâ”
The rich voice rumbled on the telephone. And rumbled more. Quentin's face clouded and then began to look exasperated. He cut through the rumbling to say, “And who is Archer?” The voice rumbled some more. “Thank you,” said Quentin. He put the phone down and turned to the Goon, sighing.
The Goon's grin grew wide again. “Didn't get them, did he?”
“No,” Quentin admitted. “They do seem to have gone astray. But he'll give me another week toâ” He stopped because the Goon's little head was shaking slowly from side to side. “Now look here!”
“Archer won't wait,” said the Goon. “Want to go without electricity? Or gas? Archer farms power.”
“I know,” Quentin said angrily. “Mountjoy just told me.”