Conflicting Hearts (22 page)

Ian looks lovingly at his parents and all eyes are upon
them. Bill puts his arm around Grace and gives her a quick peck on the cheek.

“Mom and Dad, I think I speak for all of us at this table
that we are happy to be here to share in the joy of celebrating your
anniversary. You have been an inspiration in our lives. The adoration and
respect that you show one another have taught your sons the meaning of
unconditional love. Dad, you especially have been a wonderful example on how to
respect, love, and honor the women in our lives, and for that, sir, I thank
you.”

“I thank you too,” Karen announces. Everybody laughs.

I feel so foreign to the world in which they live that a
deep sadness flows over me. Jack continues.

“We wish you many more happy years together. God bless you
both.”

Everyone raises their glass. I hear Ian, “Bless you, Mom and
Dad.” His voice is trembling, and I wonder if he’s revisiting the failure of
his marriage in comparison to the success of his parents’ life together.

Unexpectedly, I feel truly sorry for him and understand the
pain in his heart, let alone what I encouraged him to do in bed with me. I feel
ashamed, and for some odd reason, I comprehend why he’s struggling about making
it right with Susan. A moment later, I join in the toast and smile at them
both.

“Happy anniversary.”

 I add my congratulatory remark and take a small sip of
white wine. When I’m through, I set my glass down on the table and look at Ian.
I feel my eyes tearing, but I suppress my emotions. “I hope you know how lucky
you are,” I whisper.

He looks at me affectionately and squeezes my hand
underneath the table. “I do, Rachel.”

I’m so jealous that he has it all.
Dear God, I want it
too—a kind, loving family and unconditional love.

 
It’s all I can do not to cry. Warily, I look
over at Jack. He’s watching my obvious struggle over the unfamiliar territory
I’m exploring. Jack nods his head in my direction and gives me a sympathetic
glance and a kind grin.

My eyes break away, and I lower my head to stare into my
glass of white wine. It’s obvious by the look on his face that he knows the
secrets of my heart.

Chapter 22

The Aftermath of Surprise

For the next hour and a half, I feel as if I’m having an
out-of-body experience. I’m there at the dinner table participating in the
festivities, poking at my food, chitchatting, but my mind is elsewhere. It’s
difficult to process normal, when most of my life has been abnormal.

As the event draws to a close, I fear that I will never fit
in. I’ve come to the awful conclusion that I’m not right for Ian. On the other
hand, I still want him more than I want Susan to reclaim him. I’m feeling
terribly confused.

Everyone rises from the table. Grace turns toward me and
gives me a little hug.

“It was wonderful getting to know you, Rachel.”

“You too,” I manage to say. Ian’s father approaches me.

“Rachel, I hope we get to meet again someday. Thanks for
joining the family affair tonight. I hope we didn’t bore you.”

“Oh, heavens, no, Mr. Richards. It was an enjoyable evening,
and I’m thankful for the opportunity to have met you both.”

“I’m glad, too, dear,” Grace replies with sincerity.

I’m overwhelmed at the reception I’m receiving from Ian’s
parents. There is so much more that I wish I could articulate, but I can’t get
the words out of my mouth.

I notice that Ian is over by Jack and Karen talking. When
he’s through, he turns his attention to his mother and father to say goodbye.
From the conversation, I gather his parents are leaving in the morning to drive
further north up the coast into Washington State to continue their vacation on
the San Juan Islands. I’m not sure about Ian’s brother, and then I see Jack and
Karen head over toward me.

 “Very nice to meet you,” Karen starts. She leans into
my ear and whispers. “Make sure that rascal treats you good.”

I’m surprised at her comment, but I presume she’s trying to
make light of my uneasiness. “Oh, I will,” I reply, forcing a grin.

Jack looks at me sympathetically. “I hope I didn’t
intimidate you, Rachel, with the psychiatrist business. People often feel
uncomfortable in an informal setting when they first meet me.”

“No, not at all,” I reply. He knows I’m lying through my
teeth. “Just surprised Ian left that little tidbit out.” I turn and look at
him, and he’s playing innocent.

“You still coming over tomorrow afternoon to watch the
game?” Ian asks.

“Yeah,” Jack replies. “What time?”

“I think it starts at Noon. I’ll check and give you a call.”

Apparently, my exposure to the mind bender isn’t over yet.
Karen smiles.

We say our goodnights, and Ian escorts me to the car. I’m
emotionally exhausted. As soon as we climb in and sit down, we both stare out
of the windshield. Apparently, this wasn’t easy for him either. After a minute,
which feels like an hour, he turns and looks at me. Even in the dark interior
of the car, I see his eyes sparkle with approval. He reaches over and takes my
hand.

“You did fantastic, Rachel. I was proud to introduce you to
my family. Felt good.”

Why do I want to tell him that I don’t feel the same? Yes,
his family is wonderful, but I’m out of my comfort zone. My self-esteem issues
are reminding me that I’m a messed-up female with a long road of healing in
front of me. One thing I’m sure, though, this evening I learned more about the
man sitting next to me.

“I’m glad you pulled this fast one on me, Ian. It’s given me
a deeper insight into who you are as a person and how your parents have formed
your character. You’re the kindest and gentlest human being I’ve ever met. Your
entire family is gracious.”

He gives me a vulnerable look as if he’s uncomfortable with
what I’ve said. Apparently, he has trouble receiving honest accolades as well.

“Is that a bad thing or a good thing?”

“For you it’s a good thing, but for me…it’s not bad, per se,
just strange and uncomfortable. I feel like the square peg trying to be shoved
into the round hole.” Disappointment spreads across Ian’s face.

“Oh, Rachel,” he affectionately expresses, “I honestly hope
that one day you see your worth. You are a beautiful woman that warms my heart.
You deserve happiness.”

My brain doesn’t process worth. My ex-husband’s belittling
voice screams into my gray cells,
Look at you! Who would want someone like
you? I wish you were dead.
I’m not sure if I’ll ever believe anything else.
I want to silence that bastard’s voice, but I can’t find the erase button.

Ian inserts the key into the ignition and pulls out of the
parking lot. We are both quiet during the short drive back to his beach house.
As soon as we enter, I want to flop on the couch and pass out.

“I’m really tired,” I announce, taking off my silk shawl.

“Me too,” Ian replies softly, coming toward me. He stands a
few inches away from my body and looks at me fondly. “Why don’t you join me on
the other side of the bed tonight? I promise not to incite anything.”

I suck in my lips and think about his offer. His couch isn’t
that comfortable. “Okay, but no sex.”

“No sex.”

“Take me to your boudoir,” I tease.

He raises his eyebrows at me. “Well, my boudoir will be a
tad boring tonight,” he says, grabbing my hand and leading me upstairs.

After we’re ready for bed, I climb in with my panties and
bra and he with PJ bottoms, but no top. We’re between the sheets. I look at
him; he looks at me. It’s awkward. I have an overwhelming need to be held in
his safe and loving arms.

“Hug?” I sound like a little child.

Ian reaches out his arm and draws me into his warm body. I
find that comfortable place in the crook of his shoulder and lay down my head.
My arm wraps around his waist. The sense of security and peace cover me like a
warm blanket. He kisses my head and strokes me gently with his hand. I want to
tell him that I love him, but I’m afraid to utter the words. Ian is quiet, but
I don’t care. A few moments later, I fall into peaceful sleep in his strong
arms.

* * * *

The morning light wakes me up. I’m still wrapped in Ian’s
arms and it feels wonderful. He stirs when I do.

Good morning,” he says, with a grin and sleepy eyes. “It’s
nice to wake up next to you.”

“Morning,” I reply, afraid to breathe into his face lest I
have a bad breath.

“Sleep good?”

“Yes, you’re very comfy and make a good pillow.”

“You think so, do you?” He reaches over to my waist and
starts tickling me.

“Ian!” I’m squirm and try to wiggle away, laughing at him,
but he won’t let up. Suddenly, he’s on top of me looking into my eyes, and I
feel his morning erection.
God, this is not good.

He looks as if he’s examining every inch of my morning face
and wild hair. I’m losing it physically. Ian lowers his mouth and kisses me
with his prickly face and bad breath. His tongue slips in between my lips, and
he still tastes sweet to me. God, I love this man.

When he’s finished, he rolls off me. “Boy, I better get out
of bed, or I’m going to break my promise.”

I watch him throw back the covers, stand up, and disappear
into the bathroom. My body is on fire, and I have this urge to be loved—not
hurt. My psyche is surprised over that emotion.

Okay
, I say to myself, getting out of bed. I hear him
turn on the shower, so I trot downstairs to the bathroom and take a cold shower
myself.

* * * *

An hour later, I’m sitting at the kitchen counter munching
on cereal and toast. Ian and I are both off somewhere in our thoughts. The
anticipation of his brother’s arrival is driving me insane. I have to know.

“I need to ask you something,” I say, looking at him,
somewhat afraid of the answer.

“Sure, what?” he replies, talking with his mouth full again.
I have the urge to scold him, but I enjoy his rare foibles.

“What have you told Jack about me? Does he…does he know
about my sexual issues?”

There, I’ve said it. A tremendous relief rolls off my
shoulders, but now my stomach is in a knot waiting for Ian to answer. I can see
by the look on his face, he’s already spilled the beans. It didn’t take me long
to figure it out last night, after Jack’s relentless notes he was taking in his
mind about my behavior at dinner.

“Okay, I’ll fess up,” he sighs.

“Please do.”

“Yes, I have.”

“Okay, I can deal with that. Why and when?” I sound pushy.

Ian drops his eyes into the cereal bowl. He looks
embarrassed. I’m surprised he’s having trouble maintaining eye contact with me.

“Well, the first time was after you told me about your abuse
initially. I was concerned.”

“Okay, that makes sense. If I were in your shoes, I probably
would have done the same.”

“Then after we separated, I really needed to talk to Jack. I
nearly lost it when you left.” His eyes look into mine, and he flashes a timid
grin. “It’s convenient having a shrink in the family—saves money.”

“Funny,” I reply with a chuckle. I try to keep the
conversation on the light side. “Did it help?”

“Yeah, sort of.”

“What did he say about my past?”

Ian draws in a deep breath. “He asked me some questions, and
I told him what I knew, but didn’t understand.”

I pull my gaze away from him, because now it’s my turn to
feel embarrassed. The shrink is going to be back at noon, and I’m wondering if
he has a poking session planned. For a few moments, I ponder my predicament.
More than anything, I want to put Ian’s mind at ease.

“Would you feel better about my issues if I sat down with
your brother and talked to him?”

Ian sits up in his chair and intently looks at me. He seems shocked
and intrigued over my suggestion.

“You don’t have to do that, Rachel. Besides, whatever you
tell him is confidential, so he can’t discuss it with me anyway.”

“True,” I remind myself. “But I suppose he can counsel you
one way or the other and help you make a decision.”

“What decision?”

He looks confused, and I wonder if he’s hiding what I know
is going on inside of his soul. He’s at a crossroads; it’s obvious.

“Whether you want to be with me or Susan.”

I swirl the smidgen of milk left in my cereal bowl with my
spoon in order to find a safe place to escape. It’s too hard to look at him,
and I’m afraid of what he might say. It’s apparent, he’s not going to say
anything either by his silence.

I slide off the stool. “Mind if I take a walk on the beach alone?”

“No,” he answers without looking at me. Apparently, I’ve put
him on the spot.

“I’ll see you in a bit.” I grab my jacket and head out the
sliding door to the path that leads to the ocean. The cool morning air touches
my face, and I draw in a deep breath. I walk toward Haystack Rock and try to
calm my fears of rejection.

He’s not the only one at a fork in the road. I know how hard
it must be for him to think about me in a long-term sense. It will take
commitment on both of our parts—me to continue counseling and seek healing; and
him for the patience to endure the long process. I don’t want to think of him
as my abuser when we’re in bed. My desires have begun to yearn for something
else.

As I near the rock, I stop and watch the waves crash against
the hard monument. Seagulls and other ocean birds are circling above my head
squawking. Amidst the beauty, I wonder what Susan’s motives are in getting back
together with Ian. Is she on the rebound from her last relationship or using
him for something else? The whole matter unsettles me, because I don’t know.
Conjecture is useless.

I do know, though, that this weekend with Ian has brought me
closer to him in many ways, and for that, I’m thankful. Hopefully, when it’s
all over, he’ll choose me, instead of her, regardless if I think I’m right for
him or not. There is a deep longing in my soul for goodness and a loving
relationship, and it’s to that smidgen of hope I decide to cling to instead of
fear and doubt.