Conflicted (Secrets and Lies) (34 page)
"You're not like Micah. It's different," Bri argued.
I shook my head. "What makes me any less selfish? When I accepted Harrison's offer, I didn't care if there was a possibility of my actions hurting anyone. I did it because that was what I needed for myself. That's selfishness."
"Mia..."
"You wanted the pow wow Bri. I have no idea how I'll ever be able to hold on to Ethan and get out of this unharmed."
I shoved away from her to get the pizza. I sliced it before grabbing a few pieces and Bri did the same. I took a seat at the island and she sat down next to me with her plate.
"I'll admit it's easier to talk to you when you see reason. You're far more aware than you've been in a really long time which makes me wonder what Ethan might be doing for you."
"Bri, I've been feeling this way for a while. Do you want to know what made me decide to take the offer?" I asked around a bite of pizza.
"I've always been curious," Bri admitted before taking a bite.
"I relived that horrible night and I couldn't handle the pain. I gave into that weakness again. I'm a shitty human being and I need you to understand that I'm not overlooking that fact. I fucked up more than once and all I want to do is stop screwing up."
I pushed my pizza away. I was hungry but my self-disgust filled me right up.
"You're not a shitty human being. If you were a shitty person, you wouldn't be able to see when your mistakes," Bri said quietly.
She reached to push my plate forward. I gave her a skeptical look but appeased her by keeping it there.
"I'm a shitty person at the moment," I reiterated.
"God Mia...I worried about this when you took the offer but you were so confident that you had it all figured out. I really wish you had considered all of this before you even said yes. It would make everything so much easier now," Bri responded halfheartedly.
Bri finished off her plate and gave me a pointed look to finish of mine. I picked up my remaining slice and took a bite. I finished it fast and washed it all down with a gulp of water.
"Believe me. I know."
"I can tell I don't need to lecture you any more on all the points that I had lined up. You seem to have gotten there on your own so I'm not going to push. I don't have any answers for you but I know you Mia. You'll find a way. You always do."
"It's touching that you still have faith in me when I don't deserve it. The truth is that I don't know what the hell to do but hopefully it comes to me soon."
"As angry as you can make me, I'll always have faith in you. We all will and you should know that by now," Bri said, trying to contain her scowl.
"Will you please tell me what's going on with you and Trey? I have more than shared tonight and you evaded the question on Friday night."
I rested my elbows up on the island. Her face paled as she played with the strings on her sweatshirt. She shoved her empty plate towards the center of the island. When she ran out of things to fidget with, she redirected her gaze to me. I smiled encouraging her to tell me.
Bri took a deep breath. "We've been having issues. I think he has a hard time defining relationships in his life. I'm not sure why but that's what it seems like to me. Who knows maybe you can figure it out. You've known him longer than anyone else. The connection you share is different than what the rest of us have with him."
She averted her eyes from me while running her fingers along the edge of the island.
"Bri..."
She glanced over with hurt in her eyes. It stabbed at my heart that it bothered her this much and she never told me. I opened my mouth but her torn expression cut me off.
"I need to know that no matter what happens he'll be there. I don't have that feeling and I need to have that from him."
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
Bri whipped her head in my direction. "Why are you sorry?"
"I just am. I'm sorry for the things I can fix and the things that I can't. I'll talk to him if you want me to. I should talk to him about the standoff that he had with Ethan anyway. I have no idea what that was all about," I murmured, running my hands across my face.
"You can talk to Trey but make it subtle. I don't know what happened when we were in the bathroom but those two looked like they were ready to beat the shit out of each other. Did Ethan say anything about it?"
I looked away as my neck began to flush. Bri arched an eyebrow.
"Uh...no...I didn't give him a chance to either," I admitted.
"I take it that I'm not the only one that had a very public display of affection that evening."
My cheeks turned fire engine red. "I guess that is one way of putting it."
She smirked. "I'm ready for all those naughty details Mia."
We left the dirty dishes behind us and made our way towards the cave.
"Well, let's just say that we at least made it to his car before I ended up begging."
"You begged?" she asked in a startled tone.
I settled on the couch looking for the remote. Bri had a smug grin on her face as she sat down in the recliner. I shook my head before rolling my eyes at her. "Seriously, I hadn't had sex in over a month. I couldn't handle it any longer after he marked and mauled me on the dance floor. What would you have done?"
Bri laughed. "Go on."
I glanced at her with a sheepish smile. She laughed even harder but was eager for more.
"We made it to his car. The first time happened so fast that I missed something about him that surprised me later that night."
"What could you have possibly missed about him that would have shocked you later?"
"He has a piercing," I mumbled.
Bri crinkled her eyes. "What's the big deal? The guy is covered in tattoos."
"He has a piercing down there," I confessed.
Bri's jaw dropped but she snapped it shut as a fit of giggles took over. "How the hell did you miss that fact? Is he that good?" she asked enthusiastically.
I beamed. "I lose my mind with him every time."
"What draws you more to him? The sex or the man."
"The man," I answered immediately.
"Really!" Bri squealed.
"Yes. We drive each other crazy but we also connect in a very powerful way. It's like being together has given us those missing pieces of ourselves that make us whole."
My face exuded the happiness flowing throughout me. She gazed at me in awe.
"Wow, I still can't get past the fact that you two hardly know a thing about each other. Do you think he's your soul mate?"
"I don't believe in soul mates."
"You don't?" Bri asked, scratching her head.
"No. I think that there are plenty of people that are on this earth that we are destined to cross paths with. I don't think it is limited to a relationship with a man. I think we find the people that we are supposed to have in our lives," I explained.
"Do you think Ethan was supposed to be on your path all along?"
I smiled knowing that everything happened for a reason. There was a reason I met her so there had to have been a reason that I met him too. "I think as life steers a new course for you that the people you are intended to meet change with it. I guess if you're lucky enough you'll get lightening in a bottle with those changes."
"What do you mean?"
"You'll get to meet that person that completes all the parts of yourself that you never knew were incomplete in the first place," I said softly.
Bri sunk even further into the chair completely astonished by my answer. Her happiness for me faded as a significant weight washed over her features. "How are you going to get out this deal with Harrison without Ethan knowing what you were doing there all along?"
"Bri, I'm trying to figure that out as we speak. All I know is that if I'm not careful I could bring down a lot of hell around me. I've been careless enough. If danger comes down on me, I deserve it. I don't want any of you guys to get hurt," I whispered in fear.
"What about Ethan?"
My heart quivered just thinking about Ethan and how it plays into my mess with Harrison. "The last thing I want to do is hurt Ethan. I'll never be able to live with myself if I don't tell him the truth. I'm trying to figure out a way of going about this that will hurt him the least."
I shoved my worries aside and gave her a wide smile. She eyed me with curiosity.
"Has this pow wow come to its conclusion? I'd really like to break from the heavy stuff and paint our nails while watching reality garbage on TV."
Bri grinned as she leapt from the chair. "I hereby close this summit. I'll grab the nail polish while you find something raunchy for us to watch."
~
I crawled into bed with a thousand different things running through my head. Most of them revolved around Ethan. A tear glistened at the possibility of him walking away from me. I crept to the end of the bed to grab my purse. I needed a playlist to fall asleep or I'd be up for hours torturing myself. I opened my purse and grabbed my phone. I plugged it in and it sprang to life as the apple spread across the screen. I selected the music icon and went for my playlists. I gasped seeing a new playlist - Ethan's playlist.
When did he make me a playlist?
I pulled out my headphones and snuggled under the covers. I clicked on his playlist wondering what sort of songs he would mix for me. The first song flooded my ears and my breath faltered. If every other song was as thoughtful as this one, then there was no question that he'd fallen for me too. With each song that filled my ears, the walls around my heart kept cracking. My love for him swirled throughout me with so much intensity that I thought my heart would burst. I swallowed to alleviate the lump in my throat as a few tears cascaded along my temples. I couldn't lose him. There was no way I could go back to a life without him in it.
I was more self-conscious about my attire after this weekend. I'd love to find something that would drive Ethan crazy with want but that would probably fall under the teasing category. He did bring out a devilish side to me so I was considering it. I had a low cut halter-top in my hand and was digging for a skirt to compliment it.
"Are you kidding yourself? You can't wear that top to his office," Bri remarked.
"Why?"
She rolled her eyes. "If you want to make a spectacle of yourself, by all means wear it."
"What?"
"First of all, you shouldn't try to rev him up when you're around other people. Not until you're out of that place for good. Second, you'll look like a slut if you walk around exposing to the world that you got some over the weekend," Bri reasoned.
"This top isn't that slutty," I defended.
Bri snorted. "It is if you want to show off your hickeys like a proud high school girl."
"Damn it. I keep forgetting about them," I muttered.
Bri started giggling as she walked into my room. I shot her a look to shut her up but it only made her laugh harder. She grabbed my clothes selecting and tossed it on the bed before pawing in my closet. I flopped on my bed letting her do what she did best.
"Here, wear this pant suit," she said, dropping the outfit on the bed.
"Thanks Bri. Why are you up so early?"
Her face fell and I felt like a jackass for even asking her. "I woke up when Trey got up. He mentioned something about studying for a test. I have some assignments that are due soon."
It was evident that it frustrated her to be up this early for such a mundane reason. I'd have to make a point to talk to Trey tonight. I hated seeing her upset.
"I'm sorry Bri."
"Don't start Mia. I'm going to get started on my papers," she said on her way out.
While getting ready, I continued contemplating what was going on with her. Her entire demeanor appeared anything but her usual carefree spirit. I started wondering if there was something more than just her and Trey that was bothering her because she seemed on the verge of a breakdown. It was unlike her. Bri was resilient and rarely let guys affect her so I felt like it was bigger than Trey. I could be off base too because she'd never fallen in love until him so maybe this was different. I walked downstairs with those thoughts tumbling around in my head. I wasn't paying much attention to anything else. My fingers dug in my purse looking for my keys but came up empty-handed. I rotated to go back upstairs to ask Bri if she had seen them.
"Are you looking for these?" Trey asked, jingling my car keys.
I turned around to see him standing at the bottom of the stairwell. He glared at me as I walked down the stairs. I grabbed for my keys but he held them tight in his fist.
"Yea...where'd you find them?" I asked, standing across from him.
"I came into possession of them the other night when some random guy pulled up with your car. All three of us were pissed that you'd let some stranger drive your car. We almost beat the shit out of the guy but he said Ethan told him that you consented to it. Who is Ethan?"
Without a doubt, I needed to talk to Trey tonight. He looked as livid with me as Bri was yesterday. Suffice to say, I was pissing everyone off. The only thing in my favor was my determination to correct it. All the lies had exhausted me so I opted for telling the truth.
"Ethan's new. I met him at work," I replied quickly.
"You never mentioned where you work," Trey pressed angrily.
I glanced at my watch. "Listen Trey, I know we need to talk. Are you home tonight?"
"I have a late afternoon class but I'll be home after it. You've been withholding what's going on with you for a while and I've respected it but it's time for you to be honest with me. I've earned it," he demanded.
"I agree. I want to talk to you but I have to get going or I'm going to be late."
I grabbed at my keys with force this time. Trey loosened his grip allowing my keys to fall into my palm. I gave him a halfhearted smile on my way down the last several steps.
~
I arrived at work with about ten minutes to spare. I still didn't know why Ethan was so set on having me work with him. I headed towards his office for what I assumed would be a very long day. I tapped on his door and he opened it with a huge grin across his face. I smiled wide in return. As I passed the entryway, he wrapped his hands around my waist. I nearly moaned with how good it felt to have his arms around me. Ethan kicked the door shut with his foot and spun me around. He pressed my back up against the closed door like his was on a mission. I was positive my lips would bruise with the force that he had behind each kiss he placed upon them. It blazed me to life. I dug my nails into his shoulders at the frantic way he continued to kiss me. He had more than turned me on and we weren't in a position to go any further. I unclasped my hands from him. I brought them to his chest to push him away.